All comics by DontKnow

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by DontKnow
11-14-03
Oh Christmas Tree... Oh Christmas Tree...
?
May you die tonight!
??
Close enough
!

 

by DontKnow
11-18-03
Uh-oh
Hi
Time to hide from this weirdo.
How are you?
Excuse me. I gotta go.
Another Failure!

 

by DontKnow
11-18-03
God, are you there?
Go away kid, I'm resting. I've had a rough day.
But I have a very important question I need to ask of you.
Alright, what is it?
Can I have a sister?
Sure! Your mom would be just the thing to cheer me up.

 

by DontKnow
11-18-03
I Knew I shouldn't have flow today
This is what my parents see.
And this is what I see.

 

by DontKnow
11-18-03
God, are you there?
Go away kid, I'm resting. I've had a rough day.
But I have a very important question I need to ask of you.
Alright, what is it?
Can I have a sister?
Sure! Your mom would be just the thing to cheer me up.

 

by DontKnow
11-18-03
God, are you there?
Go away kid, I'm resting. I've had a rough day.
But I have a very important question I need to ask of you.
Alright, what is it?
But, it had better not be asking about the green sky.
Why is the sky green?

 

by DontKnow
11-19-03
Confidence: Valkyrie: 20 PC: 20
Do what I want!
Beep!
Confidence: Valkyrie: 10 PC: 20
I will bend you to my will.
BEEP BEEP!
Confidence: Valkyrie: 0 PC: 20
Help Me. I need a GEEK!

 

by DontKnow
11-19-03
I'm a newbie.
I can't even use my browser Correctly.
And now I've been shown out the door.

 

by DontKnow
11-21-03
I heard you were Mormon once.
Yeah, but I found them too restrictive.
And this is better?
Yes.
How?
I'm not required to cram my beliefs down other people's throats.

 

by DontKnow
11-21-03
I heard you were Mormon once.
Shhh. Don't tell my parishners that.
Why not?
I don't want them thinking I'm screwing all of the daughters.
Why'd you switch in the first place?
I couldn't stand being prohibited from screwing all of the sons.

 

by DontKnow
11-21-03
I heard you were Mormon once.
They kicked me out.
Why Mary?
They can't stand my profession.
But even Jesus used your professional services.
Ironic, isn't it?

 

by DontKnow
11-21-03
I heard you were Mormon once.
Aye, I was.
What happened?
This land I got in Missouri sure ain't the garden of Eden.
Of course not.
Tell that to them.

 

by DontKnow
11-21-03
I heard you were Mormon once.
Yes, once.
What happened?
They expect everybody to be sheep.
bah bah?
He's right over that cliff with all the others.

 

by DontKnow
11-21-03
I heard you were Mormon once.
Yeah. I do it on-again-off-again.
Why?
They don't keep me up here all the time.
And how often do you get down?
Every time I get to go to America. Have fun!

 

by DontKnow
11-21-03
So what would you like for Christmas, little boy?
A belt sander!
What would you like for Christmas, little girl?
Matches!
And my precious, what would you like for Christmas?
To be accurately portrayed on Looney Tunes.

 

by DontKnow
11-22-03
I heard you were Mormon once
For one year.
Only a year?
Yes. They couldn't send me to their "Temple."
Why not? Everybody is welcome there.
Their "special" underwear didn't fit me.

 

by DontKnow
11-22-03
I heard you were Mormon once.
Just long enough to get them to think special underwear will protect them from me.
So you have a way through it?
They are just normal cotton, except there is a slit in the front of the underpants.
Easy access for masturbation?
Exactly! And boy do they all love it. Sitting in church groping each other and nobody knows--but everybody is "protected".

 

by DontKnow
11-22-03
Hi, I'm Elder Smith.
And I'm Elder Young. And we'd like to share a message with you about Jesus Christ.
And you think you know me?
Jesus, the virgins are ready for their sacrificing.
Well I guess they have now tried to give their message to everybody.
Time for their whole religion to go *poof*

 

by DontKnow
11-22-03
Hi, I'm Elder Smith.
And I'm Elder Young. And we'd like to share a message with you about Jesus Christ.
And you think you know me?
Jesus, the virgins are ready for their sacrificing.
So, you think this sacrifice will be deadly?
Only if losing ones virginity causes death.

 

by DontKnow
11-22-03
Which house was I supposed to sweep?

 

by DontKnow
11-22-03
Dude, he's getting a Dell.
Dude, were's the pot?

 

by DontKnow
11-22-03
Evening,
Good Evening,
I heard that there was a ship behind you.
You heard?
  Do you suppose fish actually have this converstation? I hope they do.  
Yes I heard.
How?

 

by DontKnow
11-22-03
So, DontKnow, why do you hate Mormons so much?
Actually, they are one of the lesser offensive Christian Sects.
What do you mean by "lesser offensive?"
I find all of Modern Christianity offensive.
And the Christians?
Some are worse than the religions they created.

 

by DontKnow
11-22-03

 

by DontKnow
11-22-03
I heard that you bad-mouthed my religion.
Well, your religion is totally wrong.
Says who?
Says me.
And what religion is correct?
DontKnowism

 

by DontKnow
11-23-03
I heard you were Mormon once.
And can you see what it earned me?
So Mormons don't have the afterlife right?
Not at all.
So now what?
It is your turn to learn the truth.

 

by DontKnow
11-23-03
This sucks. I spent my entire life unable to kill anything. Not even a bug.
You refused to have fun.
And now I have to spend eternity killing people?
Yes sir.
You sure know how to punish a person.
I pride myself on my work.

 

by DontKnow
11-23-03
So, father, what are these rules I hear that you teach about sex?
Only when married, only in "Missionary" style, and only for procreation.
Doesn't that get boring and meaningless?
Not at all. Sex is the most meaningful sacred act a couple can do.
Then why can't I be sacred every night?
God said so.

 

by DontKnow
11-23-03
So, God, did you really restrict how limited one can be with sex?
Not at all. Who would be saying such things?
The Catholic Church.
Ahh, the lazy infidels.
Lazy?
They find it easier to teach not to do something at all than to teach how to use it responsibly.

 

by DontKnow
11-23-03
So, all sex is good?
As long as you are responsible about it.
What do you mean?
Here, let me show you.
See how I use this condom when I do it with the priest?
mmmmMMMMmmm. I like this!

 

by DontKnow
11-23-03
Happy anniversary Mark!
My wife and I don't celebrate it. Or anything else.
How about celebrating when you lost your virginity?
But, I'm still a virgin.
You've been married seven years now.

 

by DontKnow
11-23-03
Hi KapitalK. You in need of anything?
I got all the Klonopin, Xanax and Jehovah that I need.
It's no wonder you can't keep a job.
It ain't my fault I can't get up in the mornings.
I heard about that dirty fat hag you went home with the other night.
I was just trying to find a place to live until I get back on my feet.

 

by DontKnow
11-24-03
Hi, what's up?
Up is the direction I'm going to go in my rocket tomorrow.
Hi, what's up?
Up is the positive Z direction relative to the X-Y plane according to the right hand rule.
Hi, what's up?
My penis.

 

by DontKnow
11-24-03
Dude. These Goth clubs rock. The girls are so easy.
Not as easy as in a Techno club.
Yeah, but here their self esteems are so much less.
Wouldn't you want the higher ones?
Here they think that I'm the best they'll get.
So, what you're saying is that here you have a chance.

 

by DontKnow
11-24-03
Dude, these Goth clubs rock.
Howso?
Nobody can see how ugly I am.
Until you're taking them home.
By then I have them so drunk they don't care.
And you're so drunk you don't care that they're ugly too.

 

by DontKnow
11-24-03
Hi johnny.
Welcome to my apartment Grand-ma.
So this is your garage?
No, this is the bedroom.
Wow. I raised 8 boys myself, and I have never seen a bedroom look this bad before.
Wait until you see the rest of the place.

 

by DontKnow
11-24-03
Sometime long ago:
Bishop, I've been thinking.
About what?
Well, currently everybody knows that Mary, mother of Jesus, was a 13 year old average girl.
Right, and that just isn't the type of mother that a God would have.
We might be able to give more credibility to this Jesus dude if we changed her a bit.
And hopefully we can increase attendance, thereby increasing offerings to the church.

 

by DontKnow
11-24-03
Sometime long ago, continued:
As we know, a 13 year old ugly girl doesn't make a good story.
So, lets make her very pretty.
And a bit older, say 17 or 18?
Yes, and very pious.
And blue clothes since they look cool.
Ahhh. A nice pretty face that all the girls can dream to become, and the guys can dream of marrying. PERFECT!

 

by DontKnow
11-24-03
Sometime long ago, finished:
Now, is there anything we can do about Joseph?
Well, he was old, probably poor.
Yeah, and even though he did a good thing by marrying a pregnant lady, he just doesn't have what it takes.
So lets distract everybody from him, and his unimportant life.
How about "Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee; blessed art thou amongst women"?
Awesome! And now the women have somebody to worship like we worship Jesus. And we won't tell a soul that what they are doing is pointless.

 

by DontKnow
11-24-03
You know, I like Turkey. It makes a great meal.
Especially when it is $5 for a 22 pounder. You just can't beat Thanksgiving specials
But then I have to cook it, and that always takes longer than advertised--7 hours to cook a greasy little bird.
And then I have to debone it and freeze most of it. I can't just eat turkey every day for 2 weeks straight.
And then comes the worst part of it all.
Cleaning the oven. It makes such a blasted mess in there. Why can't it cook cleanly like brownies do?

 

by DontKnow
11-24-03
Father, is it true that Pope St. Clement I Said "No virgin, therefore, unless they be in everything as Christ, and as those 'who are Christs,' can be saved"?
Yes my child, it is true.
What does it mean?
It means that the only way for a virgin to be saved is by being as perfect as Christ was. He must have dedicated his whole life to Christ and to nothing else. Otherwise one can not be saved.
So have you, as a virgin, met everything required to be saved? I seem to recall seeing you stealing from the collection plate, which would mean you could never be saved.
Thank God for alter boys. This way I am not a virgin, and therefore there is hope for my salvation.

 

by DontKnow
11-24-03
I really hate having "Wrist Tendonitis."
Sometimes, like right now, I can't even get enough grip to push a button on my watch.
This really puts a damper on dating rosie palm tonight.
Later dude. You ain't getting any action tonight.

 

by DontKnow
11-24-03
For those of you who don't know, wrist tendonitis is a "Repetitive Stress Injury" type thingie. But isn't curable like Carpal Tunnel Syndrome.

 

by DontKnow
11-25-03
Father, what is faith?
Faith is a belief and trust in something that can't be proven.
Like people have with Microsoft Windows?
Exactly.
So what happens when Windows crashes?
Well, some people are so blinded by faith that they can't see the facts once they are presented to them.

 

by DontKnow
11-25-03
Nice sunrise
Welcome to hell.
It's not very hot. And it's nice and dry. Are you sure this is hell?
Don't worry, you'll soon hate it here.
Oh, hi Leo.
Phoenix is sure a lovely place.

 

by DontKnow
11-25-03
Hi Randi, are you ready for your year in space?
Yes sir, I am.
Umm. Why are you in your underwear.
I want to be the first woman to have sex in space.
I don't have any condoms with me.
That's ok, I also want to be the first one to get pregnant and give birth in space.

 

by DontKnow
11-25-03
For wanting sex so badly, you sure look uptight and tense.
Well I've never done this before.
So you're a virgin?
You're the first to even see me this undressed before.
Woo Hoo!
Lets just get this over with, ok?

 

by DontKnow
11-25-03
Would you like to pretend that you have a Girlfriend?
I WOULD!
 
I WOULD!
I will pretend to be your long-distance girlfriend for a month. You even get a perfumed letter each week from me.
Here's $41.
 
OH THANK YOU!
THANK YOU!!!
Later that week...
Hi mom. See I'm not so strange. I even have a girlfriend.
awww. How nice.

 

by DontKnow
11-26-03
Welcome back Rosie. You any better today?
No, I'm not. Thank you for asking and caring.
This guy Al read my other comic about you. He suggested I google for "Mens Som".
And?
Your job is safe Rosie.
:)

 

by DontKnow
11-27-03
Hey, what's up?
Just looking at this acceptance letter from Yale.
You can't read.
That's right.
So, how did you get into college?
Affirmative action.

Showing page 1.

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