All comics by RealRandomComicMan

Profile

 

I haven't had a date for valentine's day since my death. I'm glad you could look past that and see the real me.
This dame is pure squaresville.
I know what you're thinking, I don't look much like my picture. Well thats because the picture was taken while I was living.
I didn't want to scare you away from me just because I'm a corpse.
I hate the internet.

 

Living in this small Tokyo apartment has really opened my eyes to the outside world.
I love living next door to actresses. Then I can write their every word into my screen play.
I don't care that the walls are paper thin, its great to just not be so bogged down with space that I feel obligated to fill with things.
I've never been good at capturing the female point of view onto paper, but this has just made my job so easy.
I just wish I could meet a nice handsome man to email. I just don't have time for a face to face relationship.
Oh geez! I hate the internet.

 

Should I walk up to that house?
I know she's expecting me and everything, but that house is pretty scary looking.
Man, I hate the internet!

 

So, this is hell, huh? Not as bad as I thought it would be. I got these two benches.
The constant red neon glow is annoying. I guess thats what happens when you live a life full of killing single elderly woman. If it wasn't so damn easy to find them I would have been ok.
I hate the internet.

 

This plane is going down and these people are counting on me to save them. I may not be a real knight, but I'll do my best to help these people.
I was just on my way to a MMORPG conference and I was just dressing my part. I always get in trouble like this.
I hate the internet.

 

Whats wrong buddy?
I named my first comic, REAL Random Comic Layout #1 and then all the subsequent comics, REAL Random Comic #.
So, whats the problem with that?
Well, on the internet, people will find anything to fuck with you about. Especially continuity.
That explains why the cops are comic to haul you away.
I hate the internet.

 

I've been playing checkers by mail with my dad. Its taken 6 months, but we're about halfway through our first game now.
He lives in Brazil, so it takes awhile between letters, but he challenged me to a best of seven tournament. He recommended we use the internet though.
I hate the internet.

 

I hired my new assistant through an online assistant service. They kidnap homeless men and cut out their tongues and sell them into slavery.
Its great cause its dirt cheap for me and I get someone to carry all my recyclables to the recycling plant.
Now get all of those to the recycling plant, rummy.
I hate the internet.

 

You enjoy seeing me pull on my nipple rings don't you?
Actually, I'm blind and I'm sort of staring off into the distance. I didn't even know you were there.
I read on the internet that blind people have all their other senses heightened. Does your sensitive sense of smell tell you how sexy I am?
Not really.
I read on the internet that---
I hate the internet.

 

You said you through the bomb at the White House. Why hasn't it gone off yet?
I have no idea, it should have gone off by now.
Where'd you get those plans?
I read them on the internet.
I hear the internet might not be the most reliable source of information.
I hate the internet.

 

Whats in that box?
What box?
The box you're holding.
Oh, this box, nothing.
You aren't acting like its nothing.
I got nothing to hide officer.

 

I was just minding my own buisness, trying to sell watches to some people on the street. I wasn't causing no problems.
Then this mexican guy or maybe he was asian. So this korean cop comes up and starts hassling me, telling me I'm resisting arrest. I mean, you know me.
I got nothing to hide officer.

 

I'm afraid I'm going to have to frisk you.
Any particular reason?
Patriot act.
What part of the patriot act is that?
The part that says all sexually deprived woman shall be frisked by the first horny man to find them.
I got nothing to hide officer.

 
Yeah, I'm pissing on the wall. I got nothing to hide officer.

 

Vampires don't go to heaven.
My pastor says animals in general don't go to heaven.
I guess your sin is being an animal.
I got nothing to hide officer.

 

Hey.
Are you the guy Frank sent over with the stuff? Dude, I need a fix real bad.
I'm actually an undercover cop.
Oh really? Yeah, I was just messing with you a second ago.
You're under arrest.
I got nothing to hide officer.

 

Ok, start telling your life story whenever you're ready and I'll dictate it for you.
Well, I was a pretty small baby, the doctors didn't think I would live past four months.
Then I bought this castle in the sky when I was twenty seven and the rest is pretty self explanatory.
You really left out alot of information there.
I got nothing to hide officer.

 

I'll sting you right now if you don't tell me where you hid the treasure.
I told you, I don't have any treasure. That map you saw was map quest directions.
Well, what were the directions too?
They were directions to the treasure I burried.
I thought you didn't have any treasure?
I got nothing to hide officer.

 

You in jail cause you're a pirate?
I don't wanna talk about it.
In here you either talk, or I cut out your throat.
I really don't wanna talk about it.
You a priest like the rest of us?
I got nothing to hide officer.

 

Buddy, you got alot to live for.
Yeah, but my wife is having an affair.
Yeah, it could be worse, you could be dead.
I could be dead. I never thought of it that way.
Well, I'm a priest, just confess your sins to me and you'll go to heaven.
I got nothing to hide officer.

 

So how'd you get started in this line of work?
My mother started whoring me out at thirteen so she could buy crack.
Thats kind of depressing.
I ran away from home at seventeen when some guy my mom sold me too violated me with a loaded gun. I ran away and I've been pimping myself ever since.
Thats an awful story.
If I'm lucky I'll have my GED in a few months.

 

I can't wait to see your band tonight. I always wanted to be in a band, but I could never find enough friends.
Yeah, its rough. Touring can take alot out of you.
I mean you're living the dream man! You're out there on the road all by yourself, I'm still working a minimum wage job and living with my mom.
Yeah, I guess it has some perks.
I mean, I'm gonna be stuck paying off these rediculous college loan payments for the rest of my life.
If I'm lucky I should have my GED in a few months.

 

I wonder if he's wondering if I'm a real chef. The contents of m resume may not be true, but I love to cook and I'm good at it.
He just sits there, judging me! He doesn't know what it was like growing up. The only male in a family of twelve girls. Its hard to hand out that much sexual satisfaction.
So, you have a masters degree in the culinary arts huh?
IF I'M LUCKY I'LL HAVE MY GED IN A FEW MONTHS!

 

BLAH!
Aren't you a little old for halloween?
BLAH!
I hate fast food restaurants. The people who take your oders are always the most illiterate people on the face of the earth.
If I'm lucky, I'll have my GED in a few months.

 

I know you're just a doll, but that doesn't man I don't love you any less.
Soon, I'll we'll be off this ship and we can make a better life for ourselves in Ireland. I'll get that job as a blacksmith and We'll live happily ever after.
And if I'm lucky, I'll have my GED in a few months.

 

You say you're a doctor, but I've never met a doctor who goes up to people on park benches and asks them if they need any medical assistance.
Well, I've never met a talking squirrel.
You're fucked out of your mind on PCP and its hotter than hell. Thats a dangerous combination.
Do you want the medical assistance or not?
Are you even a real doctor?
If I'm lucky, I'll have my GED in a few months.

 

Sometimes I just feel all alone. I wonder if my boyfriend is cheating on me, but then I realize he's too lame to ever find anyone else.
Then I wonder why I waste my time with such lame men.My last boyfriend ran away to join the circus.He was a formally trained clown. His parents paid to send him to the best clown school money can buy.
If I'm lucky, I'll have my GED in a week.

 

So, what makes you think you're qualified to teach at our pre school?
Well, I love kids. I dated a five year old for a couple of months. It would have worked out, but he was too goal oriented for me.
It sounds like you're the exact opposite of what we're looking for.
I said I WAS dating a five year old. I would never date anyone I work with. Thats just rediculous.
Well, where did you study in college?
If I'm lucky, I'll have my GED in a few months.

 

I know it looks bad, but I got back from my daily jog and this is what my apartment looked like.
Who am I to judge mister.
Who are you?
I'm the ghost of the little girl your roommate murdered. I'm going to haunt you until you turn your life around.
If I'm lucky, I'll have my GED in a few months.

 

This is a lovely resort town.
You British fucks always make me feel so dumb. Just cause I'm the son of a brick layer dosn't mean I ain't as good of a person as you.
I'm actually not British. I just wear this cool vest. I'm from Toledo.
I'm from toledo. Hey where'd you go to high school?
If I'm lucky, I'll have my GED in a few months.
Way to show off.

 

I'm so steamed!
I can't belive I got all dressed up for that Star Trek convention and then my date stood me up.
I HATE YOU MOM!

 

I can't even look at you. I can't believe you even came out of my womb.
You said I was adopted.
I only said that out of anger. I only said it to hurt you.
So, I'm not adopted then?
I wish you were.
I hate you mom.

 

I don't see a fire. You called reporting a fire.
I called animal control three days ago about a tiger.
Then why am I here?
I don't know maybe you're dispatcher is retarded.
Young lady don't use that tone with me.
I hate you mom.

 

Playing a little skeet ball there huh? You're really working up a sweat. So whats your name?
Your mother.
So what are you in for? My mother abused me when I was young and it lead me to fondling elderly woman at the health clinic I volunteered at.
Yeah, I don't really want to talk to you.
I hate you mom.

 

Basically, I've been living in a half way house for the past six months just trying to sober up. Mom and dad wouldn't pay for the rehab clinic anymore, so I've just been trying to get by on my own.
Yeah, mom and dad are pricks.
Its not like that little brother. I've accepted Jesus into my life and I understand hat I put them through and I feel awful about it. I caused them alot of suffering.
You're so gay.
I just hope you don't go down the same path I did. I have alot of hopes and dreams for you.
I hate you mom.

 

No...
I was just saying that maybe-
No...
I'm 64 years old, I can do what I want.
No...
I hate you mom.

 

No thanks, I'm trying to quit.
Excuse me?
I thought you were offering yourself to me.
Do I look like some sort of whore? Just cause my mother is half cigarette doesn't mean I just let anyone have me.
Erm....
I hate you mom.

 

Christmas is my favorite holiday, its just a shame that I never get any gifts.
It really is a shame my mother ate all my brothers and sisters when they were babies or else I'd have more siblings to share gifts with.
I hate you mom.

 

REDRUM huh?
Look at it in a mirror or something.
Thats way too involved.
Its poetic!
Its a fucking crime scene.
I hate you mom.

 

What are you thinking about?
I'm just thinking back to what my mom always used to tell me when I was a little kid.
Oh really? What did she used to tell you?
She said if I ever had sex with another man she would write me out of the family will and I'd never inherit a dime.
I hate you mom!

 

You just don't realize how hard this is for me.
I realize being mulatto is something that might be hard for you to deal with.
It's not just that.
Then what is it buddy?
I'm also part asian.
Whuh, thas REDONKLOUS!

 

Its rough being Irish in a canadian town.
Yeah, we can't understand your ideals because we're closed minded idealisists.
Is that a word?
I'm positive of it.
I'm not sure I believe you, I'm gonna have to look it up.
Whuh, thas REDONKULOUS!

 

Baby new year sure turned out to be a big letdown.
YOU SON OF A BITCH!
Is there a problem?
I WAS IN AN AWFUL ACCIDENT AND ALL I CAN REMEMBER SINCE IS BABY NEW YEAR! WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT ME?
Well, I don't know jack shit about you cause you're baby new years 2001.
Whuh, thas REDONKULOUS!

 

This vortex is causing me to freeze.
Look Brendan Frasier, for the last time Encino Man is just a movie.
But thats really a vortex right there.
Whuh, thas REDONKULOUS!

 

My bird flew away.
All thats left behind is this turd he left.
I shall eat it.
Whuh, thas REDONKULOUS!

 

I'm telling you man, I blacked out, woke up and I was here like this.
Look bro, first thing we gotta do is calm down.
I'M FUCKING BLEEDING MAN! ITS GONNA GO IN MY MOUTH!
If you don't calme down its going to bleed more.
Wait, this is jelly. My head is actually a donut.
Whuh, thas REDONKULOUS!

 

I need nectar to die or else I can't be your herald anymore galactus.
Quiet Cosmic Bee. You make suckle nectar from my sweet dingleberries.
Sir, I didn't realize you had orchards growing on you.
Dingleberries are the pieces of shit that get tangled in my ass hair after I take a shit. I could get rid of them if I wiped and bathed properly, but I'm a piece of shit.
I will not feast on the fecal remains of fallen planets.
Whuh, thas REDONKULOUS!

 

What are you thinking about.
Look, we've been friends for a long time, you can tell me anything.
Everytime I see you eat a carrot I just wish it was my orange cock thats penetrating your lips instead of that god damned lucky ass carot. I WANT TO BE IN YOUR MOUTH!
Whuh, thas REDONKULOUS!

 

Look, I'm your boss an I says you sit in the can.
I quit then. Now you aren't my boss.
Look, I'm really sorry.
Hell no, I quit! If you want me to come back and talk to you I'm gonna want a raise.
Maybe we can talk about some stock options.
Whuh, thas REDONKULOUS!

 

I know you're angry, but I'm not a mind reading bot. Tell me whats wrong.
Saying something different would we make love....Would it kill you?
Baby, I told you its not my fault. Its the protocols.
I thought when we left Philly that we left the protocols behind.
We went to Philly so you could get a 3rd trimester abortion. You must have blocked it from your mind after I beat you so viciously and dragged your bleeding carcass there.
Whuh, thas REDONKULOUS!

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