All comics by vladdrac

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by vladdrac
10-30-01
Damn! What the hell happened?
It is awful my son! Osama had a bomb!
Why are humans so terrible to each other?
I know not my son.
Why do you weep?
My balls itch.

 

by vladdrac
10-30-01
I have 2 nickels and a hard boiled egg.
Well, 2 nickels and 2 hard boiled eggs will get you trip around the world.
Damn bitch! What am I? Donald Trump?!? Give a guy a break!
No pay! No play! Thems the rules for this sweet pussy.
Shit! Alright, alright! I'm squeezing out another egg. Give me a second. Uhnnn!!
Time is money baby. Say, is that Duck waving at me?

 

by vladdrac
10-31-01
Hello
hi
So, what's it like?
What's what like?
Being the Son of God?
Ohhhh It's a friggin picnic! Go away please.

 

by vladdrac
10-31-01
I am eating nothing but cheetos for breakfast, lunch and dinner. When I poop it will be 1 huge glowing orange cheeto!
How is working out so far?
I am constipated.
Oh, thats too bad.
It's been 6 months since my last bowel movement. I can't figure out where it all goes? My feet are swollen and squishy like clay, it's real hard to walk.
Ugghh! I am so outta here!

 

by vladdrac
10-31-01
Dude, Barbara says she misses you. She goes on and on about how you helped her move and when her pregnant dog was having puppies you just rushed right over to help deliver them...
...
Man, Barbara just doesn't stop talking about you! She is always like 'Oh I miss him so much' and I'm like oh God not again...
...
Barbara says she can't believe how you talked her into skydiving, then whitewater rafting, then bungee jumping! Barbara says the times you guys had were the best ever! She really loves you Dude!
Who the fuck is Barbara?

 

by vladdrac
10-31-01
God! I am suffering!
Yeah, I know what you mean.
Damn! I can't get comfortable!
Yeah, watching tennis is like a form of torture.
Ohhhh! I can't take the pain!
Oh? Are those your testicles they keep whacking over the net back and forth?

 

by vladdrac
10-31-01
I want a fire truck and a new bike!
humph!
I want a Pokemon doll and a BB gun!
grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!
I want a race car track and a Playstation2!
Damnit! For the last time I am not Santa Claus! Don't make me come down from here!

 

by vladdrac
10-31-01
Hi kids! I'm Fluffer the Clown! Who's the lucky birthday boy?!?!
There is no birthday party here.
Turn that frown upside down! I'll juggle for you, then I'll do some cartwheels!
No! Go away! Leave me in my misery! Help!!!!
Don't be a Gloomy Gus! I'll make some balloon animals for you! Yipee!!!
Auugghh!!! Please put a nail through my head!

 

by vladdrac
10-31-01
Do you like wrestling?!?!
Yes!
Do you paint your face like your wrestling hero, then run around your livingroom bodyslamming your pillow screaming 'I Want Stone Colds Ass?!?!''
Yes! yes! yes! yes!
Here at Jimmys Gun Shack we have a 'Big Loser? Why Don't You Kill Yourself' special. Buy a gun and the bullet is free!
Ughhhh!!!

 

by vladdrac
10-31-01
Dude, I have a suprise for you.
That right?
Thats right, here it is.
Whats that?
The new Metallica CD! We can listen to it over and over and over! Metallica rules!
Ahhh shit! Where's that nail in the head I ordered earlier?!?!

 

by vladdrac
10-31-01
Doesn't it get boring just hanging there all the time?
Yeah, but I teach myself tricks to keep myself entertained.
Yeah? What kind of tricks?
Let me show you.
Hehehe!
Whoa! Where'd ya go?

 

by vladdrac
10-31-01
Jesus?
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Jesus! Wake up!
Huh? Wha..? Damnit I'm taking a nap! What do you want?!?!
I got a blister on my finger. Could you heal it for me real quick? It really smarts.
Alright! Help me down from here, I'm gonna kick you in your nuts!

 

by vladdrac
10-31-01
I watched Stars Wars last night.
Yeah? What did you think?
God, R2D2 is a hot little droid.
Yeah, C3PO is quite a hardbody himself!
Man, I couldn't help fondling my circuits!
I know, you got hydrolic fluid all over the control console.

 

by vladdrac
10-31-01
I lost my glasses. I can't see a darned thing.
Thats too bad.
...
...
So what are you? A giraffe or something?
You won't be needing your glasses. I'll be pecking out your eyes in one moment.

 

by vladdrac
10-31-01
Hello
Hi there.
Watcha Doin?
Nothin', what are you doing?
Just driving nails into my head.
Where the hell were you 5 strips ago when I ordered a nail in my head?!?!

 

by vladdrac
10-31-01
Jesus, can you fly?
No.
Do you love me thiiiis much?
Uhhhhh? Nope.
Then what the hell are you doing?
Just hanging around! Haha! Good Night folks!

 

by vladdrac
11-01-01
Ring. Ring.
Ahhh! My sweet Angel is calling. Is it Saturday already? Well, let me just get...down...there...and...answer...Ahhh shit! I am stuck again!
Hello This is The "J" Man, you know what to do! Beeeep!
Oh shit! The answering machine! Damn nails are really in there!
Hewwo? Jesukins? You home? Widdle Angel is so horny for some sweet talkin'! Hello? Jesus? You asshole! I am all hot and bothered! Pick up! You prick! *click*
Awww shit! I just came in my only clean cloth! Damn that Angel makes me lose control! Damn...these...nails! Uh! Uh! Uh!

 

by vladdrac
11-01-01
Dear ShaolinLambKiller, Meet me in front of the White House. I have a big suprise for you. Love Osama Bin Laden
Auggghhhh! Osama you asshole! I knew you'd pay me back for leaving a burning bag of camel shit in front of your tent flap! Auuugghh!!!
Ohhh! You dirty rag head bastard! You are gonna get it! Luckily I landed in this nuclear bomb proof garbage can! Osama Your ass is mine!

 

by vladdrac
11-02-01
Oh shit! What the hell are you supposed to be? Ugh Christ! You are a fugly little turd. Help me outta this damn can!
Sorry if my appearance disturbs you, I am a mutation brought on by radiation. Sure, I'll help you out, that will make it easier for me to have you for dinner.
Uh, thanks. Now whats this about dinner? I think not you shrimpy little troll! I'll cut your nuts off! Do you have nuts?
You will be at dinner! My big brother Leroy is real persuasive! Leroy!!!!
Oh poop! I'm not gonna be some mutated freaks' frosted poptart! I'm gone!
Hey, come back! Damn, now what am I gonna do with all these tacos?

 

by vladdrac
11-02-01
Hi, hows it going?
Not too good, this is a fucking mess!
I am searching for Osama Bin Laden, have you seen him?
I wish! That oily camel fucker caused this whole mess! Do you know how much overtime I have to put in to help reap millions of souls?!?! This is killing me! I'm supposed to be on vacation!
Sorry to hear that. If I find him, I'll send him your way.
That would be very kind of you, the Reaper Union Rep's want to shove very unpleasant things into his ass. If you'll excuse me please. Hey Charlie?!?! How many'd you get?

 

by vladdrac
11-02-01
Wow Satan! You are really famous! You of all people should know where Osama Bin Laden is. . .uh. . .what are you doing?
Osama what? I don't know what you are talking about. I am busy looking for aluminum cans. Go away!
Aluminum cans? What evil deeds can you perform with aluminum cans?
Oh just because I am the Anti-Christ everyone assumes I make a friggin' fortune! Evil doesn't pay squat! Ooooh a Bud tall can! Score!
Damn, I always thought Satan was a cool dude. Instead he's a big dork!
What?!?! You dare insult the Lord Of Darkness to his face?!?! I will spit acid at you! I will gobble your gizzard! I will fill your mind with Yanni music! Muahahah...huh...oooh a Fosters Lager can!

 

by vladdrac
11-02-01
Whoa! Mr. President is that you?
Yes SLK it's me George Bush, the President of the United States of America. I have been deep fat fried by Osama Bin Laden! Washington D.C. is no more! BooooHoooo!!!
I am in search of Osama right now. I'm afraid he blew up Washington D.C. because I left a flaming bag of camel poop in front of his tent flap and now he has paid me back! I will avenge America!
If you see Osama tell him I forgive him because thats what good Christians do! Give him this dollar, and these tic-tacs, and these shoe laces. Tell him I send love and peace and well wishings!
Sorry Mr. President but you are obviously delerious. I will end your retarded suffering for the sake of the good ol' USA!

 

by vladdrac
11-02-01
SLK has made it out of Washington D.C. and is now in Georgia. Lets see what happens shall we?
I am suddenly in Georgia now. I know someone in Georgia! I'll pay him a little visit! Hehe!
Just a minute! I am not dressed!
*knockknockknock* Hehe!
Yes? Oh Lord! Fire, fire! Help, help! Oh shit I'll just stomp it out! *stompstompstomp* Ewww! Now thats not funny! I am bare foot and Angel just painted my toe nails!

 

by vladdrac
11-02-01
I am so sick of those butthoes on Metal Coven getting all the laughs! I am the funniest guy there! All the others are just crap! I'll show them! I'll show them all!! Greg, you ready to begin?
You betcha boss, check, right on, groovy, far out! You da best man boss! Da best!
Prepare for the new DifferentBreed scum suckers! Hit it Greg!
Roger, ten-four, over and out!
Muahahahaa! Now I am a ridiculous dumbass like all the others! Watch me stand out! Now they'll laugh at me!!! How do I look Greg?
Snazzy keen boss man! Snazzy keen! You a big floaty head! Haha!

 

by vladdrac
11-02-01
I just sent Angel a picture of The New Me! Those buttholes will be so envious, they will beg me to be witty at them! Muahahahaaa!!!
Angel Post: Hey everyone check out DB's new pic!
Oh this is gonna be great! Muahahahaaa!!!
GoreGod post: Yeah? Whats so different? Haha! - SLK post: DB looks like a baseball, I want to hit him with a bat and shove broken glass in his nose!
Nooooooo!!!! You bastards need The New Me! I am funny! I am funny! Auuggghhhh!!!!!
Old Ancestor post: DB is a NinnyNinny Poopie Pants!

 

by vladdrac
11-02-01
Hi honey. Need some pleasure?
I am liking pleasure. It good to me. I like you...mmmm...mmmm...can I call you Angel and you like Yodel Monster in your ass?
Yeah honey, I would love your Yodel Monster in my ass. How much scratch you got?
I like scratch my balls while I masterbate myself. You lick my balls in your mouth...mmmmm...tell it's nice to lick my big toe!
No, no sweetie! Scratch, bread, dough, you know? You need some cash to sample my goods.
Oh yeah! I like sammich on my bed when I need some dough to rub on my thing. I like spanking my ass when I get to lick on your ear...mmmmm! Cash? What this means?

 

by vladdrac
11-02-01
Hi Mr. Coffin! Do you like lots and lots of women?
Sure I like lots women! They need be naked without clothes and rubbing on me and others...mmmmm...I like sweating breasts on my head and hard nipples in my eyeballs!
Uhhh? Ok. Do you like men?
No! I not like men, really naked men definitely I say no! I like elves though. Many elves red and green raping my ears and nose and fucking all over my face! I like to have to rub elves on my thing!
Would you like to come to an orgy?
Oh yes please! Is it in Norway? I like big woman to conquer and stab her in my sword! They yell Coffin! and hold my horned crown! I want elves there to spank me in my ass! Orgy? What this means?

 

by vladdrac
11-02-01
O'boy, O'boy! Computer time with my sweet Angel!
Angel post: Good Morning my Sweet Jesus :)
God, I am already hard! *typing* Angel my love, I am currently pitching a tent. My loincloth is nearly popping off! I need you to massage my muscle of love.
Angel post: Oooh you dirty boy! I am wearing high heels, a tutu and a catchers mask! Ohhhhh I am so horny!
Ohhhh she knows I love that outfit! *typing* Angel you are about to make Jesus perform a miracle in his pants! I want to clean out your ears with my wet, pink Q-Tip! My heat seeking missle is armed!
AOL Quality Control: You are a sick, sick bastard! You have been denied access you naughty little monkey!

 

by vladdrac
11-03-01
*E-Mail* Dear Metalgirl, I have a confession to make. I am not married or have a baby. I am 17 and I live with my mom. I'm in love with you. Come be with me forever darling! Luv - OA
Oh my!
*Cathy replies* Oh yes Eric! I shall dump that good for nothing hubby of mine and go to New Jersey! Oh so much time and so little to do! Sincerely your Muffin of Love - MG xoxoxo
That should do it. Time to pack!
Okaaaay! Love yaaaa!
I am leaving you forever you big lazy butthole! I am in love with Old Ancestor and he will give me attention and lovin you never could! Enjoy lonliness you sack of crap!

 

by vladdrac
11-03-01
Oh Eric my lovely little High School Senior! Talk that smart talk, you know, the kind that confuses everyone? Ohhhh that makes me all goosepimply! TeeHee!
Gulp! Gee Miss Metalgirl ma'am, I . . .I think you are the cats pajamas! I just don't tell everybody that. *blush*
Come to momma super-stud! Come to Metalgirl. Let me sweeten your tea. Meow!
Uhhhhhhhhh? Ok!
Ooooh Metalgirl! I never imagined it would be this wonderful! Ooooh you sexy temptress, you make me feel 14 again. Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Ooooooh GOD! Oh honey that was fantastic! Hold me close. Ahhhh. . .
Uhhhh sweety? I'm over here.

 

by vladdrac
11-03-01
Hey buddy? C'mere.
Yes? What could you be wanting at me?
Wanna buy some pictures of nude girls?
I might buy some nude pictures of Angel and masterbate myself with them and then I have to wash off pictures from my mess. I think Angel in sombraro and not other clothes will be nice...mmmmm...
It just so happens that I was in Texas last weekend and you would be amazed at what girls will do for a six pack of Michelob and a dozen tacos! Take a look at these.
Ohhh! She wearing sombraro! I give whatever you want! These need be mine, I will kiss and rub them all over my thing...mmmmm...ohhhh Jesus will lose his Holy Bone when I show these! Hahaha!!

 

by vladdrac
11-04-01
It's OK honey. It happens to all men at some point. Really!
Yeah? All men accidently have sex with a couch cushion thinking it's their girlfriend? Really?
Sure, Tim used to screw our bed pillows and never realized I was at work. Now, go wipe those tears away my little stud muffin.
*sniffsniff* OK, I'll be right back *sniffsniff*
*ringringring* This is Eric, I'm not home leave a message - BEEP - Cat! This is Tim, I need you baby, I need you bad! I can't find the TV remote. Call me! *click*
Oh Tim needs me! I still love him, but I love Eric too! I am torn between two lovers, feeling like a fool. Loving both of them is breaking all the rules. *sigh*

 

by vladdrac
11-04-01
After 30 seconds careful deliberations, Cathy has made her choice between Tim and Eric. She searches for her lover to tell the lucky devil.
Where the hell is that light switch?
Oh my God! What are you doing with all those couch cushions?!?! Oh shit what is that smell? Ugh, that is disgusting!
And to think I chose you! You are just a perverted freak! Ugh, whats with all the cushions?
I am having an orgy. That purple cushion is Jenny, the one with the blue flowers is Sheila and the overstuffed, buxomy pink and red striped one is Grace. I am just seeking my sexual self.

 

by vladdrac
11-04-01
Hold on! Hold on! *crash* Damnit Greg pick up your nuts!
*knocknocknock*
What the hell are you talking about?!?!Are you collecting money for some retard foundation or something? I don't have any change. I don't have pockets! I am a floating head! God I am funny! Muahahaa!!
I am going door to door searching for Osama Bin Laden. Have you seen him?
Thats not funny! You are stupid and no you can't have a drink of water I am busy watching Friends!
You are about as funny as a ground glass enima! Come to think of it, THAT is funny! Haha! Can I have a drink of water?

 

by vladdrac
11-04-01
Ahhh time for a break and little Jesus chat.
*Angel types* Hi sweet Jesus lover boy! I have been a busy beaver today working on my house. Now I am relaxing, drinking coffee and having a smoke. You being a good boy?
*Jesus reply* My sweet Angel, you are my precious piece of buttered toast. I need you to dip into my yolk of love, consuming my runny, undercooked white man stuff. Uhhhhh . . .
*Angel reply* Oh Jesus! The poetry you sing to me is sugar and spice to my ears! I need you to eat my crust! Unfortunately I must return to my labors, farewell my lovely tube of liverwurst! Teehee!
Mistress Angel, Steve is pouring the cement for your new driveway, Glen is paneling the game room and I have reshingled the roof. Can I please have the sex you promised? Please Mistress!
I am busy watching DVD's! How dare you ask for pleasure you worm! Go find something else to do and maybe Angel will let you sniff her socks later. A womans work is never done!

 

by vladdrac
11-04-01
*E-Mail* Dear Angel, I am very upset. I left Tim for Eric because he a selfish asshole and left Eric because he is a pervert! I wanna go lesbian, got any room at your house?
I hope she responds soon. *sigh*
soon
*E-Mail* Cathy I am so sorry for your situation. I wish you could find someone as trainable, I mean, lovable as Jesus. The lesbian thing sounds great! Do you know how to lay brick?
Lay brick? Is that lesbian slang? Well whatever floats her boat!
*E-Mail* Yes Angel, I will lay your bricks, just be gentle with me OK? I will get on the next train from New Jersey to Texas. I can't wait for our new life!
Eric, could you stop humping your purple velvet girlfriend so I can get my shoes from under her?

 

by vladdrac
11-04-01
Yes what is it? Just wait, I have syrupy chocolate and no clothes I've got on and I am naked! *boom* Ouch! Fucking elves tripping me and raping my head! Auugghh!! Uhhh...huh...mmmmm...
*knocknocknock*
Are you selling porn stuffs? I like naked things that I can spank and rub all sweaty kinds of big bones all over it! I perverted is what they said to Coffin. Go back out of the bushes or I call police
Hello, I am looking for Osama Bin Laden door to door. Have you seen him?
You like come to me into my house? I just got Yodels not if elves ate them all. I love elves. I can show you a trick I seen on my internet with my pants on my ankles. Why are you backing out of me?
Back away slowly

 

by vladdrac
11-04-01
Hold on Goddamnit! Glen get your head out of there I have to answer the door. Ouch! Don't pull so hard! Oh shit you dumbass I hope you can hang panel better than change a lightbulb!
*knocknocknock*
Osama? That dirty rag head fuck nut owes me money! "Oh Mistress, Osama been bad boy, Osama need spanking" I beat that sand flea black and blue! "Oh Mistress I forget check book, I be right back" Ha!
Hello, I am looking for Osama Bin Laden, have you seen him?
Sure sweety, heres his address. You take 200 dollars worth of his filthy ass for me! Come see me when your finished, I can make it worth your while. You know how to install a swimming pool?
At last! Osama's greasy ass is mine! Muahahahaaaa!!!!

 

by vladdrac
11-05-01
SLK finds himself in front of the house where Angel says Osama Bin Laden lives.
*bumpbumpbump, stepstepstep, creak, slam!, clickclickclick*
666 Aciremakuf Ave.? Fucking weirdo Texans! Where the hell do they get these street names? *knocknocknock*
*smacksmacksmack, stepstepstep, bump! boom! bang!*
What the hell is going on in there?!?!
Confusion!
?!?!?!?!?!?!?
?!?!?!?!?!?!?

 

by vladdrac
11-05-01
Who the fuck are you?!?!
Who the fuck are you?!?!
Ok, Ok, lets say our names at the same time alright?
Agreed, Ok ready? 1...2...3!
CrackerHead MeatEaterFace!
ShaolinLambKiller!

 

by vladdrac
11-05-01
Oh my God! Brother!
Oh my God! Brother!
Mom sold me to these fucking camel jockeys for a pack of Marlboro's and a bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken! My name is CrackerHead MeatEaterFace Bin Laden.
Mom said you were dead! That lying bitch!
Yeah, she was bumming change in front of the barber college while some crosseyed kid shaved X's in my head! Osama said 1 cigar and McDonalds hamburger for boy! She held out and got smokes and chicken
I remember now! She took you there to get your head shaved. When she returned she said you were killed by terrorists, then we ate chicken and smoked the cigarettes! Holy Crap!

 

by vladdrac
11-05-01
So brother, what brings you here?
I am here to pay Osama back for nuking Washington D.C.! Where is he?!?!
He is out getting a disguise. Some crazy bitch named Angel has been looking for him also. She kept screaming about new countertops and a fireplace. Osama is crazy, but she is insane!
Will you help me bring down the terrorist scourge brother?
Sure, why not? Come on in, I have something to show you.
Cool! Can I have a drink of water?

 

by vladdrac
11-05-01
Does this little guy look familiar?
Little?!?! Holy shit I can't believe this! My whole life revolves around this place!
Oh my God! Sister flushed you down the toilet, she said you were dead and she was laughing! How the hell did you survive?
Hi SLK! It's me The Dead Fukkieface Watermuck Thing One! Just call me Fukkieface.
This just gets more bizarre by the minute! I need another drink, you got any chocolate milk?
Fukkieface woke in a dark, stinky place! I was so frightened and I began to swim to find SLK, but I swim and swim. I eat nothing but old shoes and tires and glowing green goo. Fukkie can eat anything!

 

by vladdrac
11-05-01
I am so brilliant! I will have a party and invite all my friends and they will be forced to finish my house for me! This E-Mail invitation is almost complete.
*typing* .....and please bring a snack for everyone to share, some Michelobs and a tool belt. This will be a really great party!
Angel, I have completed the brick wall that will surround your pool. Will you snuggle me now?
Oh my sweet Metalgirl, no I won't snuggle you. Go paint the garage and we will talk about it later.
Really? You promise? Ok! Hehe!
By the way, tell everyone we are having a party and I want you all on your best behavior.

 

by vladdrac
11-05-01
This is the garage. I wanted to show you this most of all.
Christ! What is all of this?
Dynamite, bottles of nitroglycerine, gun powder, blasting oils, plastic explosives, grenades, anti-tank missles. You want it, it's here!
*IDEA*
Wacha gonna do brother?
I have an idea! Get Fukkieface.

 

by vladdrac
11-05-01
What the hell kinda party is this? I've never heard of a game called "Install The Toilet?" Well, Angel said I can have all the cans when the party is over. Good for me!
Whoa, are those couch cushions real cow hide? Damn, I feel all tingly inside! Excuse me Satan.
Why must I tile that witches kitchen?!?! I am a comedic genius! I should be wowing party goers with my witty comments! Shit watch it! You are getting grout everywhere! Stop rubbing it into your crotch
Excuses me Mr. Head! I likes head performed to me by womens and then theys will tickle my hole in my ass with their fingers! Oh I scream in delights...mmmm...this smooshy stuffs is cold on my pants!
Hahaha! My plan is a success! My house will be done today! I just need that SLK freak to install my pool. Where is he I wonder?

 

by vladdrac
11-05-01
Damn, look at him go!
That big, ugly bastard can eat, WOW!
He is about done with that last box of grenades, what now?
I can't believe he ate it all! I will get a big bag, be right back!
*hic! pop!* Fukkieface is still hungry. You have some shrimp pellets?
Sorry Fukkie, we'll get you some shrimp pellets for dinner Ok?

 

by vladdrac
11-05-01
What is taking so long? Father will be home any minute!
Don't worry brother, Fukkie is about done. Be sure and wipe your ass Fukkie!
Oh shit! Whats that smell? I'm gonna puke!
That is a Fukkie Bomb! Muahahahaaa!!
Damn Fukkie light a match or something! PU!!!
NO!!!! Fukkie don't do any such thing! Just bring the bag out carefully. Shit Cracker, that doodie is deadly!

 

by vladdrac
11-05-01
Good job Fukkieface! C'mon with me and Cracker, we are gonna hide in the bushes outside and wait for Osama to come home.
I don't feel so well SLK. I need shrimp pellets to make me feel better.
I heard Cracker say there are shrimp pellets outside in the bushes!
I will follow you SLK. Where ever shrimp pellets are, Fukkieface must be there too! Yummy!
Grab that bag big boy and follow me.
Is there salsa in the bushes SLK? I like shrimp pellets and salsa. mmmmmm!

 

by vladdrac
11-05-01
So SLK, Cracker and Fukkieface wait in the bushes outside Osama's house.
*rustlerustlerustle* Quiet Fukkie! I'm sorry I lied about the shrimp pellets, I swear we will get some when we finish. Now hush!
Suddenly Osama appears wearing his new disguise. He looks cautiously around as he walks toward his house.
*gigglegiggle* Fukkie shut up!
Nothing to see here. just a typical American chicken coming home from hard day at office! Can't wait to kicks my foots up and watch that Wheel of Fortune. No terrorists here, by golly, all is well.

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