All comics by choadwarrior

Profile

 

by choadwarrior
1-29-04
Do you have any big plans for this weekend?
I'm going out to dinner with friends.
And do these friends have names?
Yeah, but I don't want to bore you with the details of my private world.
But I tell you everything about my life all the time.
Precisely.

 

by choadwarrior
1-31-04
I forgot to put my jacket in my last load, can I put it in with yours?
Let me think about that...No.
Awwww, c'mon.
I would if I didn't think you were trying to destroy DNA evidence.

 

by choadwarrior
2-01-04
Did you see Kid Rock in the Superbowl Half-Time show?
Yes.
He was wearing an American flag like a poncho.
So.
That's like the flag touching the ground.
No, Kid Rock is dirtier.

 

by choadwarrior
2-02-04
Some Russian guy bothered me at work today so I had to be a dick to him.
So...you're a dick every day.
This was different.
How?
He started it.

 

by choadwarrior
2-05-04
How do you want me to proceed with this harassment lawsuit?
Well, we know the plaintiff doesn't have much money, and her attorney doesn't work on contingency.
So lets bog her down with discovery, depositions, and hearings in the hope her attorney fees bankrupt her and the lawyer dumps her when she can't afford to pay him anymore.
It went much better than we expected, Master.
Once we got him a government job, it was only a matter of time before he joined our side.

 

by choadwarrior
2-05-04
About 38 years from now...
Oh, damn. Is it that time already?
Yup, come with me.
This is quite surprising.
It really shouldn't be.
Because I'm so old?
No, you've been dead inside for years.

 

by choadwarrior
2-05-04
Before I take you to your final destination, you need to spruce up.
I was actually more comfortable in my other clothes.
Believe it or not, you're the first shirtless person in overalls to die sober.

 

by choadwarrior
2-05-04
We're heading into the white light...that's good, right?
Just a little farther...
Uh-oh.

 

by choadwarrior
2-05-04
Hey! You made it! How was your trip down?
It was fine, we ran into a little traffic by...hey...what am I doing here?
Have you ever thought of a career in damnation management?
You know I was a high-ranking government bureaucrat, right?
I had to ask. Every once-in-a-while, one of you guys starts talkikng about ethics.

 

by choadwarrior
2-05-04
I'll want an office overlooking the lake of fire, and I'll need a staff of subdemons to carry out my bidding.
Consider it done.
I'd like to specialize in rejecting appeals from people who have been wrongly cast in Hell.
I haven't been this excited since Bob Hope died.

 

by choadwarrior
2-06-04
I hear your secretary was out sick all this week.
Yes, she was.
That must have been really difficult for you not to have any administrative support.
Not really...
I just pretended you were still working for me.

 

by choadwarrior
2-06-04
The school board approved your promotion. You're now our youngest director.
You know what this means?
I'll be the youngest to burn out?
It's amazing how quickly you adapt.

 

by choadwarrior
2-06-04
Who was your big meeting with today?
A state senator. We are trying to get funding for our new high school construction.
That sounds as much fun as an enema.
Not really...
You get less shit from those.

 

by choadwarrior
2-07-04
You have such a mess of pubic hair that finding your dick is like searching for a needle in a haystack.
I can shave it off.
Nah, that's okay...
If you did that it would be like trying to find a needle in a pin cushion.

 

by choadwarrior
2-07-04
DING
DING
You have no DONG!

 

by choadwarrior
2-07-04
SPLASH!
GODDAMNIT!
What's wrong?
I fell in the toilet because you left the seat up again.
No, YOU left the seat up again.

 

by choadwarrior
2-09-04
Why did you leave out all the overhead expenses in your analysis of our transportation costs?
I wanted to make sure we were competitive with the charter services.
We aren't competing with them, we're comparing costs to see if outsourcing would be less expensive.
But if outsourcing is less expensive, we'll lose all that money we charge for field trips.
But if it costs us more than we charge because you're overlooking all of our overhead, we're losing money every time we do one.
We don't lose money...I cash all the checks as soon as they come in!

 

by choadwarrior
2-09-04
My job is too dangerous...I need a pay raise.
We could pay you another $3 an hour, but that won't make your job any less dangerous.
If you are really worried about your safety, you should be asking us to make the job less risky.
I'd rather have more money.

 

by choadwarrior
2-09-04
This job is so dangerous, someone is going to get killed any day now.
Actually, I calculated it out...
We can expect someone to get injured doing your job once every 650 years.
Actually, I meant I was going to kill you if you don't give me more money.

 

by choadwarrior
2-10-04
It's now 20 years after 1984, but I'm the only one talking in Newspeak.
Eatcrime
Haircrime

 

by choadwarrior
2-10-04
My secretary is awful. I can't get any work out of her.
What do you think I should do?
Move slightly to the left.
Why?
I needed shade.

 

by choadwarrior
2-11-04
We have spent a lot of money on your service, but we haven't seen any return on the investment.
You don't have to be rude to me.
I wasn't being rude, but since you think I've crossed that line, I might as well tell you how stupid that last statement was.
You'd see a lot better results if you knew what you are doing.
That crackling noise you hear is the bridge burning behind you.

 

by choadwarrior
2-14-04
How come you're sitting out of swim class today.
I pulled some strings.
You talked your way out of it?
No, I'm on my period.

 

by choadwarrior
2-15-04
I WANNA TAKE YOU TO A GAY BAR! GAY BAR! GAY BAR!
You must really like that song by Electric Six.
You obviously have no GAYDAR! GAYDAR! GAYDAR!

 

by choadwarrior
2-16-04
Go shop somewhere else. This grocery store wants us employees to start paying part of our health insurance costs.
Most companies in America only pay a portion. So what?
We've never had to pay before--it's not fair.
Welcome to the real world; now get back to work.
If you try to shop here, I'm going to stop you.
Before you try that, remember you don't have any dental insurance while you're on strike.

 

by choadwarrior
2-17-04
mmyers has several creative ways to avoid inane office banter...
Did you do anything special for Valentine's Day?
Yes.
Anything you want to tell us about?
I prefer the direct approach.
No.

 

by choadwarrior
2-21-04
Eeeeeeeevrybody poops...
...sometimes.

 

by choadwarrior
2-22-04
We hardly ever see you anymore.
Yeah...do we owe you money or something?
Of course not...
If you owed me money, you'd see me all the time.

 

by choadwarrior
2-23-04
I'm going to drink the last cup of coffee. Shall I make another pot?
Oh, I don't drink coffee, I drink tea. I love tea. I drink it all the time at home--especially weekends and on cold and rainy days--it's so warm and cozy.
I tried drinking green tea for a while because they say it's good for you, but I don't like it as much as the black tea. My favorite brand of tea is...
Constant Comment?

 

by choadwarrior
2-24-04
One of my employees borrowed some utility tables from my department over the weekend and they came back damaged.
Oh?
Yeah, now I want you to write a policy prohibiting personal use of company property so I won't look like the bad guy when I tell my employees they can't do it anymore.
So you won't be borrowing my laptop and Proxima projector for your son's lame Boy Scout presentations anymore?
That's what I thought.

 

by choadwarrior
2-24-04
You need to stop selling sodas in school and start selling fruit juice and Gatorade.
We do sell those items.
Well, stop selling sodas...all that sugar and calories is making kids fat.
Actually, commercial fruit juices and sports drinks have just as much sugar and as many, if not more, calories.
But carbonated beverages are bad!
Are you blaming your kid's obesity on bubbles?

 

by choadwarrior
2-25-04
Around 2000 years ago...
What did you think of my new scroll?
We like the basic framework about the outsider who fights against the corruption of the authorities--it's a very heroic story.
But what's wrong with it?
We don't think you should have killed him off--it's testing really low, especially among the pagan demographic.
I could resurect him after three days and have him promise eternal life to all those who accept him as their saviour.
Now there's an ending I can sell!

 

by choadwarrior
2-25-04
Jesus, before you die, I need you to settle one thing once and for all.
Who is responsible for your death...the Jews or the Romans?
You are, you fucking sinner!

 

by choadwarrior
2-26-04
I have to write up a good employee because of poor hygiene, and I don't know how to do it.
Soften the blow first by complimenting her, then explain how her grooming is affecting the office.
What do I say in the memo?
Dear Kay...
Your performance doesn't stink, but you do.

 

by choadwarrior
2-26-04
Not only do I have to tell an employee she smells tomorrow, I have to fire another for excessive absences.
Just kill two birds with one stone.
How?
Have a meeting with your entire staff and say, "Everyone who still works here, raise your hand."
"Not you, Melissa; and Kay--you still work here, but we prefer you keep your arms down."

 

by choadwarrior
3-01-04
I love teaching...I can't imagine doing anything else.
I thought of other careers, but none really suited me.
Is that because you're only marginally more intelligent than a nine year-old?

 

by choadwarrior
3-07-04
Good morning. Hehehehe.
Uh-oh.
All ready to face a new day? Hehehehe hehehehe.
I know what that nervous titter means.
I'm having a WONDERFUL day! Hehehehe hehehehe hehehehe.
Somebody just had her meds adjusted again.

 

by choadwarrior
3-07-04
My boss is mad at you, so she sent me up here to yell at you.
Okay, just a second...
I'm gonna let him have it!
He said you can yell at me until your boss has the guts to come up here.

 

by choadwarrior
3-07-04
Your generation lacks morality. Fornication is the cause of all our problems.
Grandma, when you pick up a carton of eggs at the market, what's the first thing you do?
Open it up and look for cracks.
Pre-marital sex is the same thing, but you're only going to keep the eggs for a week.

 

by choadwarrior
3-07-04
You're my best friend.
Yeah, next to pizza.
Awww...that's so sweet, you're my best friend too!
Yeah, next to Dexetrim.

 

by choadwarrior
3-11-04
Do you realize you're ten to twenty years younger than all the other directors?
Yes.
What's it like to peak so early in your career?

 

by choadwarrior
3-11-04
Last week, I bought a new Saab.
This week, I started listening to National Public Radio when Howard Stern was pulled off the air.
Am I getting old or pretentious?
Getting?

 

by choadwarrior
3-11-04
Hey man...
Uh-oh...it's HIM!
What happened? I used to represent you in all your comics--now there is no trace of me!
We had to let you go.
Why?
While you look most like Choadwarrior, he thought your choice of attire was...well... unfortunate.

 

by choadwarrior
3-13-04
Marriage was created by God to be between a man and a woman...
If we let gays and lesbians get married, what would be next? Marriage between a man and an animal?
Sigh...some day, Bobo, some day...
Does this speedo make my ass look fat?

 

by choadwarrior
3-13-04
Marriage was created by God to be between a man and a woman...
If we let gays and lesbians get married, what would be next? Marriage between a man and an animal?
...Then the next step will be interspecies polygamy.
I love it when a plan comes together.

 

by choadwarrior
3-18-04
Is this a bar?
No, it's a fast food restaurant, why?
A rabbi and a nun are waiting for me outside. We need to walk into a bar to setup a joke for someone.

 

by choadwarrior
3-18-04
What can I get you?
Before you serve me, I need to ask you one thing.
Shoot.
If a man came into this bar carrying an aligator, would you kick him out?
Of course.
I'll have a beer.

 

by choadwarrior
3-18-04
Sorry sir, you can't come into this bar.
Porque no?
We only let Mexicans in if they are with a black guy and either a white guy or gay guy.
What if I'm gay?
Black guy and white guy--No double-dipping.

 

by choadwarrior
3-18-04
Why did we walk into this bar?
To get drunk you cunt.

 

by choadwarrior
3-19-04
I've really got to get to the gym.
That Buddha belly certainly won't go away by itself.
Neither will this double cheeseburger.

Showing page 10.

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