All comics by choadwarrior

Profile

 

by choadwarrior
3-20-04
I had a good time at your barbecue, but I have to get going now.
Are you okay to drive?
Yeah, I didn't drink any beer.
Just Corona.

 

by choadwarrior
3-20-04
Just because I'm old doesn't mean I'm not still horny.
I hooked up with anything with two legs and a pulse back in my day.
I still would, but at my age, I wouldn't know how to go about it.
You can borrow my "Free Mustache Rides" t-shirt.

 

by choadwarrior
3-22-04
I don't know why the media places such a stigma on herpes.
Like eighty percent of the people I know have it.
How many of the people you know have you slept with?
Like eighty percent.

 

by choadwarrior
3-22-04
Messiah! Your suffering and death will surely deliver us from sin and ensure us an eternal place in your father's kingdom in Heaven!
Actually, I'm a robber. You want the guy one cross over.
Neeeeevermind!

 

by choadwarrior
3-22-04
Tell me, how exactly do you make [NOSTALGIC FOOD PRODUCT]?
We use a secret recipe of sugar, corn starch, coloring, and flavoring developed by my grandfather...
Then we mix the ingredients in this machine, which churns out [UNGODLY AMOUNT] per hour...
Captivating, huh?
[PUN ABOUT PRODUCT]
When it cools down, it gets wrapped in another machine.

 

by choadwarrior
3-23-04
I had lunch catered for our meeting. I'm going to toss the salad.
Hahahahahaha!
What's so funny?
What are you going to do?
Toss the salad.
Hahahahahaha! Again! Again!

 

by choadwarrior
3-23-04
Are you ready to go downstairs and help me fire my employee?
Sure, but it's always cold in that conference room...hang on a second...
Ready?

 

by choadwarrior
3-23-04
*KRINKLE KRINKLE*
Oh god, I hope that stops before the movie starts.
*KRINKLE KRINKLE*
Damn, the movie is starting and it's still going on.
*KRINKLE KRINKLE*
YOU KNOW KOTEX NOW HAS A NO-NOISE TAMPON!

 

by choadwarrior
3-25-04
Thanks for sending me those links to the online pics of the girl who is suing us.
I like the one where her eyes are rolled back while she's taking a huge bong toke.
So are you going to show them to her parents now to discourage them from continuing with this lawsuit?
No, I'm going to wait until it's funny.

 

by choadwarrior
3-26-04
Have you seen "The Passion of The Christ" yet?
Yeah, I bought a bootleg of it on a street corner.
So you have a stolen copy of a religious movie?
I suppose.
Can I borrow it?

 

by choadwarrior
3-27-04
Hey baby...
Nice tits.
Same to you.

 

by choadwarrior
3-27-04
Do you know where "Little Italy" is in San Diego?
Yes.
Where is it?
India Street.

 

by choadwarrior
3-27-04
How come you're walking kinda funny?
I'm training for a 50-mile bicycle race in a few weeks.
Ouch.
And I just bought a seat with less padding than my old one.
I haven't had anything that hard between my legs since I was an altar boy.

 

by choadwarrior
3-27-04
So how far did you ride today?
Forty miles.
Wow, that's a long way.
It's like one mile for every year old I feel right now.

 

by choadwarrior
3-27-04
As the union's regional director, I feel it's my duty to play devil's advocate.
As the director of risk management, I also feel it's my duty to play devil's advocate.
Hey!
Wait a minute!
They figured it out.
Oh, poo.

 

by choadwarrior
3-29-04
Good day, sir. I am Johnny Appleseed.
I'm walking across this great land and planting apple trees along the way.
Nice to meet you.
I'm Randy Packingfudge.

 

by choadwarrior
3-29-04
They call me Molly Pitcher, because I carried pitchers of water to thirsty Revolutionary War soldiers.
I became famous when my husband was killed in battle and I took over for him loading his cannon.
I also provided aid to weary soldiers.
They called me Molly Catcher

 

by choadwarrior
3-29-04
HOWDEE! I'm Calamity Jane!
I was a scout for General Custer, a Pony Express rider, and a hard-drinkin', hard-livin member of Buffalo Bill's Wild West Show.
I also blazed a trail across the West.
I'm Chlamydia Jane.

 

by choadwarrior
3-29-04
I am the Great Pumpkin!
Every year, I rise from the pumpkin patch I feel is the most sincere.
I'm a great pumpkin too.
You fly through the air and give presents to all the good girls and boys of the world?
No, but I pump my kin, and it's great!

 

by choadwarrior
3-30-04
Hi, I'm Today's Tom Sawyer.
A modern-day warrior? Mean, mean stride? Today's Tom Sawyer? Mean, mean pride?
The very same.
I've heard a lot about you from my friend, Today's Huck Finn.
That must make you Today's Nig--
Watch it, cracker.

 

by choadwarrior
3-30-04
You are so cautious in your job, I can't imagine you ever doing anything risky.
I rode a hog for two years.
Then what happened?
You transferred to another department.

 

by choadwarrior
3-31-04
You got your list of proposed personnel cuts back to me quickly.
I just photocopied my Enemies List. I've been carrying it around for almost three years.
I wondered why all the lettering looked like it was cut and pasted from magazines.

 

by choadwarrior
3-31-04
By the way, all the executive management is leaving for spring break, so I've told everyone you're in charge.
Where are you going?
I need to get fitted for my crown and scepter.

 

by choadwarrior
3-31-04
Oh my god! How are you? I've been wondering where you've been. It's been soooo slow in here today, I've been dying for a customer, but luckily I have a good book to read between clients.
Plus my boyfriend just got laid off, so money is tight and I really need to work to support us both. I hope he finds something soon, he'll drive me CRAZY if he spends any more time moping around.
So how do you want your hair cut today?
Short all over and quiet around the ears.

 

by choadwarrior
4-04-04
Oh baby...you've got such a huge cock.
Mmmmm...you too.
What did you want me to say? You have a cavernous vagina?

 

by choadwarrior
4-04-04
Grandma, do you miss sex?
I may be old, but I still get a little use down there.
I've leased my vagina to the U.S. Government.
It's so dry and desolate, they use it to store important documents.

 

by choadwarrior
4-04-04
Whew! It's such a warm day, I'm glad I wore a sleeveless shirt underneath this jacket.
You should keep it on.
Why?
Do you know what it looks like when you put a lot of cream cheese on a bagel, then it squishes out the sides when you bite into it?
Yes.
Now imagine the bagel is your flabby arm, and the cream cheese is your deodorant.

 

by choadwarrior
4-04-04
Did you really say to a male student, "Do you want to shake my hand or my dick?"
I may have said something like that.
He's very upset by your comment.
What does he want me to do, lick his asshole?
No, he wants you fired.
Oh, so he wants to fuck me in every hole.

 

by choadwarrior
4-06-04
I played golf this weekend.
I rode my bike.
Cool.
Cool.

 

by choadwarrior
4-07-04
The boss told me to run my problem by you since you always think "outside the box."
He's right.
The last time I thought inside the box, my mom was giving birth.
I remember thinking, "I wonder if my giant head is going to fit through this thing."

 

by choadwarrior
4-08-04
Do you have a three-hole punch?
Yes
Where is it?
In my pants, bitch. Which hole do you want to start with?

 

by choadwarrior
4-09-04
Messiah, the unimaginable torture you have endured will not be forgotten.
The savage beating, the crown of thorns, carrying the heavy cross through the streets, and finally getting nailed to the cross.
Let's not forget the stabbing part too.
We're going to call today "Good Friday."
I'd slap you right now if I could.

 

by choadwarrior
4-09-04
I have to figure out a present for Dave's daughter's first birthday.
Make sure you agonize over it--you know how particular babies can be.
I figure I'll just get something Dave would appreciate.
Like what?
"My Li'l Bong."

 

by choadwarrior
4-10-04
Thank you, and happy Easter!
Actually, I'm Jewish.
So?
I don't celebrate Easter.
So what do you celebrate? Passover?
That and Good Friday.

 

by choadwarrior
4-12-04
How did this morning go?
This was perhaps my most rewarding morning since I started here three years ago.
That's good news.
Yeah, I had a cup of coffee and took an incredible shit...you wouldn't believe it.
I was talking about your meeting.
Oh.

 

by choadwarrior
4-13-04
Officer, my car has been stolen.
What kind of car?
A 1987 Nissan Sentra.
Hmmm...I haven't taken a theft report on one of those since the late eighties.
I hope you find it.
Why?

 

by choadwarrior
4-13-04
You ought to get one of those FBI profilers to figure out what kind of person would steal my '87 Sentra.
Oh, we already have a profile for that.
Really?
Yes...I'm putting an all points bulletin out for someone with really low self esteem.

 

by choadwarrior
4-13-04
So are you going to go out and look for my '87 Sentra?
No.
Why not?
They won't let me take my patrol car into Tijuana.

 

by choadwarrior
4-13-04
Aren't there any other places than Mexico where you think my stolen Sentra would be?
Well, sure.
So why don't you look there?
Because I can't figure out why someone would steal a car just to take it to a junkyard.

 

by choadwarrior
4-15-04
Did anything happen while I was gone?
Yes, your three adult-aged sons came by.
Really? Why?
They wanted to thank you for being such an intrusive control freak.
They're just sucking up because they want to get something out of me.
Their nuts?

 

by choadwarrior
4-16-04
Pssst...is David in Accounting gay?
Yes.
He's very open about it.
Then why did you have to ask?
I meant he lisps.

 

by choadwarrior
4-17-04
Hey your dick is kinda poking out your boxers.
I didn't notice.
Me neither.

 

by choadwarrior
4-20-04
This is my boss's daughter...
I'm psychic.
Oh, really?
Yeah, whenever something bad is going to happen, my stomach gets all upset.
Hmmm.
Then I get the runs.

 

by choadwarrior
4-21-04
My husband likes to eat out at the Waffle Spot every morning.
GAG!
You don't like that restaurant?
Oh, I thought you were talking about one of your erogenous zones.

 

by choadwarrior
4-21-04
Aren't you forgetting something?
Am I late for a meeting?
No.
Is my fly down?
It's Secretary's Day.

 

by choadwarrior
4-21-04
I can't believe you didn't get me anything for Secretary's Day.
It's your fault, you know...
A good secretary would have reminded her boss.

 

by choadwarrior
4-21-04
How are you going to make it up to me for forgetting Secretary's Day?
By my count, I'm way ahead of you.
How?
You get me something once a year on Boss's Day...
True.
And I pay you twelve times a year.

 

by choadwarrior
4-24-04
You have such an even temper, I can't imagine you ever getting upset.
Before I became a government bureaucrat, I was a real asshole at work.
Why did you change?
The environment is different here.
You mean people are nicer?
No, it's hard to insult people who don't give a crap.

 

by choadwarrior
4-24-04
Large coffee, please.
Would you like anything in it?
No, I like my coffee like I like my women.
Black?
Strong and bitter.

 

by choadwarrior
4-25-04
When I worked in Human Resources, this was my favorite trick question to ask when conducting interviews:
What kind of people do you find difficult to work with?
I get along with everybody--I don't care if I work alongside the biggest butthole on the planet.
Oh god! He just said "butthole" in an interview.
Because if he is the biggest butthole on the planet...
NOOOOOOOOOO! He said it again!
Did you drop something under your desk?

Showing page 11.

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