All comics by four_legged_tripod

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Hey, aren't you Brad Schwartz?
I wish people would stop asking me that. My name's Alan Goldman.
I could swear you're really Brad Schwartz.
Look, my kids took me from my wife and dumped me in this nursing home. All I want to do is get back to my sweet love muffin.
Meanwhile, back at Granny's house...
Oh, Alan! You've come back to me!
Get ready for some angry pent up make up sex my sweet love muffin!

 

Mommy, to comiserate the recent death of Heavy D, I'm gonna have his best friend come over and shoot a load of his nut butter down my throat.
Ah, Sally. That's so sweet of you to.... GAAAAAAAAAA!!!
Ed, I've just got no idea what has gotten into Sally.
Just be glad she's taking an interest in other cultures.
Meanwhile, back at Granny's house...
No, Sally's not here. But if you are a friend of Heavy D's, I'll be glad to hold your butter until she arrives.

 

I wanted to wear plaid tonight, but I needed to sleep.
by four_legged_tripod, 11-15-11

 

Please pull your pants up.
Don't be hatin' when I'm saggin'.
But you're not black.
I feel a strong connection to black culture.
Name the blackest thing you've ever done.
I once shopped at the Dollar Store.

 

Happy Black Friday!
...my nigga?
Are you really that fucked?

 

Can't talk now. Playing the new PS3 "Hanukkah Dreidel" game.
That sounds lame.
You don't know? Dreidel is an anagram for "Idle Red". "Red" meaning Santa.
So, every time you play with a dreidel, you're really just messing with Santa and slowing him down?
Santa baby. Come inside and stuff my chimney!
Ho, ho, HO, you ho. Just a few more steps to the front door and... why can't I move my feet?

 

Playing this dreidel game and messing with Santa is the best thing ever!
I don't think this is right.
We're Jewish. What do we care?
I don't think you have any idea of the impact you could be having slowing Santa down.
Ho, ho, ho crap. I really need to pinch off a big fruitcake loaf. Just a few more steps to the can and.. Oh no. Not again!

 

Quit playing that dreidel game! Rabbi Munchausen is going berserk!
Why would the rabbi be so upset that I'm playing a dreidel game to slow Santa down?
The dreidel doesn't slow down Santa you schmuck! Santa has grandmal seizures!
Just a few more steps and... UUHHHNNNGGGHH!
Look out you schmuck!

 

So playing with a dreidel does not slow down Santa? What about dreidel being an anagram for "Idle Red"?
That's not the real anagram for dreidel. The real anagram is "Elder Id".
Elder Id?
Yes. When you play with a dreidel you release the hidden id of an elder rabbi. So please, stop playing with that dreidel!
Come over and get it big boy.
You bet I will. Just a few more steps and.. Oy vay! Who the fuck stopped playing with the dreidel?

 

It's about damn time you got here. I texed you to be here five days ago and now you're grandfather's dead!
I got your text. It said "B here on 22day". Today is the 22nd and I'm here.
I was trying to text hipply. There was more than one 2 in front of "day" making it "Twos-day".
You have to work on that. So he's dead? How?
He texted that he wanted to do something and I was surprised so I texted the really big surprised eyes thing. You know... (O) (O)
You texted him boobs grandma. That should explain your concerns about his rigamortis.

 

How am I gonna get this bat out of my house?
I tell ya what won't work. Don't call a friend and have the two of you slap me across the face with your penises. That really won't work. So don't do it. Ever.
My boy, you've given me an idea.
Wellington McNocock!
I'm afraid this might not go as you've planned ol' chappie.

 

Dear Fag: A friend tried to tell me that Christmas was created for the homosexuals. How can that be?
Dear Jingle Balls: There are many references to this. First, Joseph was delighted that he did not actually have to have sex with a woman to have a son.
It's the only time seeing a ballet is accepted by straight men and "Don we now our gay apparel" refers to ball gags and not sweaters.

 

We should have sex.
I'm not really comfortable with that.
Oh come on. No one will ever know. You know you want to.
But you're my sister.
So? Mom and dad will never find out. Plus you can do anything you want to me. Even anal.
Well, okay. If you incest.

 

Tweet tweet.
Pretty bird. Pretty bird.
Caw! Caw!
Who you callin' a piece of shit, ese?

 

Now that we are the last two people on Earth, is there anything I can get you?
Well i wouldnt mined a attractive women
And I wouldn't mind a guy who was good with grammar, punctuation and spelling. Asswipe.

 

Hi Carol you look spiffy this evening goin on a date later?
Uh...no I always wear this dress to work but i'm glad you noticed Dan.
Hi Carol you look spiffy this evening goin on a date later?
Uh...no I always wear this dress to work but i'm glad you noticed Dan.

 

So today, were gonna make some green dough.
And I'm a german chef.
First you take... Wait, why must you tell the people you're a German chef? What's that got to do with anything?
Because we're making green dough, and green dough is a slang for money.
So?
So I hate the money grubbing Jews.

 

Fine, I'll go look at your new Justin Bieber doll, but I don't see what the big deal's about.
He's anatomically correct.
But there's nothing down there.
Exactly!

 

What can I get you hun?
I'll have a bowl of your "Award Winning" chili.
And how is everything, sir?
This has to be the most god awful tasting chili I've ever had. I think I'm gonna be sick.
They didn't tell you that the award they won was "The Most God Awful Tasting Chili Ever" award did they?
Shut up and just hold back my hair.

 

Dude, that chick at the bar told me she's 28 but I've got a feeling she's older. How can you tell the real age of a woman.
Give her the pepper test. I'll be right back.
Hey. Oops. Sorry, I didn't mean to spill my handfull of pepper all over your face.
That's oka-- ACHOO! Sorry. Excuse me. I need to use the restroom.
She over 35 with at least two kids.

 

Now I need all of you to turn in your papers on Martin Luther King. I'll choose the best to be read out loud by...
Kevin! Wake up! This is no time to sleep. The topic of Martin Luther King is very important and I need you to pay attention.
Would you shut your trap? I'm trying to have a dream over here!

 

Wanna see something trippy?
Uh, sure.
Great. Walk over there.
*trip*
Ow! You're an ass!

 

I can't believe that you just called me a "Lazy Fat Ass" after all I do for you and the children!
Look, I said I'm sorry. It just came out in the heat of the moment. We all have said things that we regret later.
Well, I suppose I have said a few things in an emotional state that I wish I could take back.
See? So what was it that you said?
"I do".

 

Tomorrow's forcast calls for a chance of hail.
It's pronounced "Heil"! Next channel!
But Roger, it's raining so hard outside. Would you hail me a cab?
It's pronounced "Heil"! Next channel!
Next on Entertainment Tonight, Katherine Heigl makes yet another horrible movie.
Katherine "Heil-Gal"? Hmmm. I think she may make the perfect accomplice in my plan to rid the world of the Jews!

 

Hello? Is this Katherine Heil-Gal's agent?
It's pronounced Heigl, but yes.
I would like to present her with an award for Best Actress.
For which role?
After watching all of her movies, it appears that all of her roles are pretty much the same so, just a general Best Actress award.
Sounds pretty bogus, but Katherine will take what she can get.

 

Hi, Katherine. I'm so excited for you to be here. I'm Adolph.
Adolph huh? That's funny 'cause if you were to shave your goatee you would look like Hitler.
I am Hitler.
Seriously? Then I can't be here. You hate the Jews and want to do everything you can to get rid of them. I'm not down with that.
Really? Who cast you in all of those crappy movies?
Touche!

 

So, we're going to take down the Jews by taking over Hollywood?
Exactly! Now keep this suicide pill between your teeth just in case you get caught. Now hurry up! There's no time to waste!
Okay, okay. Quit pushing me out the door. I-- *gulp* Ack!
Oh Scheisse!
This just in, a statue of Adolph Hitler will be unveiled today in Hollywood for ridding us of Katherine Heigl and her movies.
It's pronounced "Heil-Gal" dummkopf!

 

Your pelvic exam looks good. We sucked out your vaginal fluid with a HUGE, GIANT, MASSIVE, ENORMOUS vacuum cleaner. Where would you like us to put it?
How should I know? I have overly-tanned tits the size of amazonian melons. Just put it in my douche bag.
by four_legged_tripod, 1-27-12

 

Well, pun'kin', we earned 25,000 tickets which is enough to get you a medium Angry Bird doll.
How much more for a large one?
25,000 more tickets. Now you can have the medium red bird, the medium black bird, or the medium yellow bird.
I wish I could have a big black one.
You and the rest of the trailer park, sweet 'ums.

 

♫ And I… I… I… will always , love you...♫
Mr. Costner, I'm sorry to bother you. I can see you've heard about Ms. Houston's death and are memorializing her in your own way.
Whitney's dead?
Yes. I thought that you were singing her song as a way to mourn the passing of Whitney Houston.
No. I was singing that song as a way to mourn the passing of my career.

 

DOG PILE!
AAAAAAHHH!!!
Ouch! Get off!
I'm trying to get off. Why do you think I'm laying on top of you?

 

I think the new transfer student, Kevin, is totally a vampire.
There's no such thing. That's something Hollywood made up to get your panties wet just so you'd see a movie.
It's true. I know he's a vampire. I heard him in the boy's bathroom and the other boys were yelling at him to do vampire stuff.
Suck it Kevin! That's right, keep sucking it.

 

I'm not quite sure that proves he's a vampire.
Okay, fine. How do you explain his sparkling lips? They showed that in the movies and his lips sparkle all the time.
Betty, I don't think I can listen to much more of this. Have fun with your vampire boy all you want, but keep me out of it.
Hey Erin, can I borrow some of your glitter lip gloss? The new guy, Kevin, keeps taking and wearing mine.

 

Erin! I totally did it! I proved that Kevin was a vampire!
I asked you to leave me out of this.
No, wait! You know how a vampire will die if you drive a wooden stake through his heart?
Betty? What did you do?
wwwhhhyyy???

 

Do you have any idea as to what it is that you have done?
Yeah. I've become like a total bad ass vampire killing bitch!
No, you twat! Do you realize that you can kill just about anyone by driving a wooden stake through their heart?
I hear you loud and clear! There must be more vampires running around our school and it's my job to hunt them down and kill them!
Betty, have you been soaking your tampons in vodka again?

 

Hi Sara. What's wrong with your face? That has to be the biggest zit I've ever seen. You should look at it in the mirror.
I really don't want to. I'm rather embarrassed by it and don't want to be reminded of it.
Won't look in the mirror huh? Probably because you don't have a reflection Ms. Vampire!
Hi, Kevin.
'sup, Sara?

 

Betty, you can't be back here in the food preparation part of the school.
Just seeing how much garlic you were using in the food, chef.
Garlic? Can't stand the stuff. Never use it.
Don't use it because of your vampire nature, eh chef Dracula?
I'm gonna start brown baggin' it man. I found a penis in my stew today.
I hate mystery meat Mondays.

 

Betty Donaldson, turn around and put your hands on your head. You are under arrest for the murders of Kevin Reed, Sara Meyer, and Chef Edmonds.
I'll turn around as soon as you take off your sunglasses.
You're not going to tell me what to do. I'll keep my sunglasses on if I feel like it.
"Feel" like it or have to because you're allergic to the sun Officer Vlad?
I'm here live at the West School gym where "Bat-Shit Betty" was gunned down by police after she came after them with a wooden stake.

 
I said we should "come in piece" not "cum in pee".

 

Worst prank you ever pulled as a kid. Go!
I scratched out the "c" of the changing station in the bathroom once.
Vandalism? That's what you're going with with? Lame.
If you say so.
20 years earlier
I leave you and our baby alone for 5 minutes and you kill him? Why?
They had a station in there just for "baby -hanging" so I just had to do it.

 

I'm ready for my close up!
Closer!
Too close!

 

I have the need, the need to bleed!
♫ You lost that living feeling. Whoa that living feeling… ♫
Show me no sunny! Show me no sunny!
Stop! You got the part! You had me at "Type-O".

 

You coming to my party this Saturday?
Sure. I'll bring some refreshments.
Not to be rude, but the last time you said you were bringing refreshments you brought two white guys named Graham.
Right. I brought some graham crackers.

 

I'm here live at the West School gym where "Bat-Shit Betty" was gunned down by police after she came after them with a wooden stake.
This would make a great movie. I need to get Tim Burton on the phone!
I'm happy to work with you Abigail Breslin. I hope you like the vision I have for this film as it's the only one I seem to have for all my films lately.
Blah! I'm an androgynous vampire! Blah!
My contract clearly states that I will not work with a claymation version of Johnny Depp!

 

Abigail, Tim has decided not to do the sequel. We've hired another director.
Mr. Schumacher, I take my work seriously and I hope you will.
Call me Joel. I take this project very seriously! In fact I have a great idea to enhance your character!
She has gouged out my eyes with her bat nipples!

 

Well, that wasn't well received. We've decided to hire Christopher Nolan to revamp the whole thing from the begining.
After witnessing the murder of her parents at the hands of vampires, Betty took refuge in a cave full of vampire bats.
eek!
The bats! The bats!
She then decided to dedicate her life to ridding the streets of vampires.
GRRRRRRRR! Garbel marble. Friggin fraggin!
Cut! Why the fuck can I not understand a thing she's saying?

 

I've brought you here to taste your blood!
I just finished my period so you might as well eat me you bastard.
Damn Betty, you have awakened my little vampire from the dead.
Bang me with that stake of yours!
You made me cum! You have killed the little vampire! I must summons my master Count Blackula to finish you off!
My tight asshole will defeat the 12 Inch Impaler. But first I must fuck my way through Tranny-vania to get to him.

 

I love you.
I love you more.
No, I love you more.
No, I love you more.
No no, I love you more.
Well, now that I'm thinking about it, you're probably right.

 
and then he's like, "Got your nose!"
Have you considered a penis pump to make it bigger than your nose?

 

Rest in peace Davey.
by four_legged_tripod, 2-29-12

Showing page 11.

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