All comics by kramer_vs_kramer

Profile

 

So, Kinko. You know what you're doing. Old Man Rube's always in the park this time of day. Go and whack him.
Oh, and try and look inconspicuous.

 

Aaah. What perfect weather it is for a nice walk in the park.
Not so fast, Mr Rube! Us clowns have had enough of you stealing our thunder. Tonight - you die!!!
So, it comes to this. Look sonny, I've had clowns trying to kill me in every town I've been, and I'm still alive to tell the tale.
Is that right? So, you're the notorious tri-stae clown killer?
Actually, no. I'm the notorious clown-castrator.
Bugger.

 

You clowns don't get it, do you? Nobody finds you funny any more.
That's not true! The kids love our crazy hijinks!
I'm afraid not. They'd all rather be watching the television that watch you prat about with a bucketful of glitter and stupid big shoes.
But... but I spent years training for this! I studied for fours years in Paris! And now you're telling me my life is meaningless?
In fact, most people nowadays think there's somethind sordid about clowns.
That would explain why I haven't had a shag for six years.

 

So, you see, your life is pointless. You should just kill yourself now.
You're right. I'm going to set fire to myself right now.
What? I wan't being serious. Don't kill yourself!
Aaagh! Put me out, quick! Use that bucket of water over there!
Hold on, that's not water, it's glitter!
Nooo! Hoist by my own petard!

 

So, how did you manage to survive being set on fire?
Oh, it turned out my fat-suit was flame-retardent.
And Mr Rube?
He died of old age.
What? He was like 98 or something.

 

o/ Everyone's gone to the moon... o/
It's no good. We can still hear him from here.

 
Alright, I'm sorry. If I'd known it would be this windy I'd have worn underwear.

 

Hi, can I help you?
Si, Senor Fuzzy. I am suffering los intermittent network problems on el mail server.
I see... Which department did you say you worked in?
Umm... El departmento dos human resources?
I don't remember Human Resources hiring a matador.
I am el new senor manager.

 

I can't believe human resources hired that greasy Spaniard. They knew I wanted that position. Anything to get out of this IT department.
Well, I'm not standing for this. I'm going to write a really stern letter to the CEO.
On second thoughts, I think I'll just stab the bastard.

 

You wanted to speak to me, Senor Fuzzy?
Yes. You know fine well that job was mine. And I'll have to take it off you. By force, if necessary.
I'm sorry, Senor Fuzzy. I am too busy just now. You'll have to deal with my personal assistant.
Personal assistant?
Ah.

 

So... you're the personal assistant.
Moo.
You seem a lot smarter than the last one.

 
That's us got every kind of animal, but don't we need two of each for breeding?
Breeding? This is just my on-board entertainment.

 

Did you hear? They fired that new Spanish guy!
Really? What happened?
The boss saw the weblogs, and apparently he spent fourteen hours per day looking at www.bullsemen.com.
Say... this wouldn't be anything to do with you, would it?
No. I was just going to put laxatives in his coffee.

 

What a nice day. I think I'll go for a walk in the park.
Mwahaha! Corgan attack!
Excuse me? Do I know you?
I am Billy Corgan, of the Smashing Pumpkins and latterly Zwan. I wish to rend the flesh from your bones!
That was surprisingly easy.

 

I hate walking home late at night. You never know what kind of weirdos you'll run into.
Mwahaha! Corgan attack!
I knew it! A weirdo, come to drag me into an alley and have their wicked way with me. Just my bloody bad luck.
I'm no weirdo! I'm Billy Corgan, of the Smashing Pumpkins and latterly Zwan. I'm not going to molest you, I just want to tie you to a lamppost and set fire to you.
Funny, you think she'd have said no.

 

Grrr! Womack and Womack will eat your babies!
Mwahaha! Corgan attack!
Hold on, punk. It sounds like you're trying to muscle in on my "obscure musician with ridiculous catchphrase" schtick.
Never! I though of it first. You're copying me.
That's it, Corgan. I'm going to have to EAT YOUR BABIES!
Your powers are useless against me, Womack. I'm infertile!

 

You know, I was reading my history books about the early 21st century. It doesn't look like much has changed between then and 3000.
Well, apart from us all living under water.
Oh, and the giant robot overlords.

 

I've been to the year 3000.
What's it like?
Well, nothing much has changed, but we all live underwater.
Oh, and thanks to inflation I can charge $500 for a blowjob.

 

Wow! So you've travelled back in time from the year 3000? What's it like?
Well, nothing much has changed, although we do live underwater.
And we've exterminated all the black people.

 

Greetings. I have travelled from the distant future to observe your primitive ways.
Really? What year? What's it like?
From the year 3000. Nothing much has changed, but everybody lives underwater.
And we all have genetically modified eight-breasted sex slaves.

 

The year 3000 really is great.
You been there again? What happened this time?
Well, you know how nothing much has changed, apart from everyone living underwater?
Yes?
Well, that means there's a lot more sailors. I made fifty grand in one night!

 

Dammit! The shop won't accept this money I made in the year 3000.
How come? I thought you said that nothing much had changed, apart from everybody living underwater.
Well, the guy in the shop was very rude.
He wouldn't accept notes with President Schwarzenegger's face on them.

 

Hey, Wirthling! Wait up!
Look, kid. I'm busy. Can't you just leave me alone?
But I'm your biggest fan! Can't we hang out? We could go to the arcade and play the Dance Dance Revolution machine!
Alright, stupid idea.

 

So, you're my new partner, eh?
That's right! I'm The Artist Fomerly Known as Prince. I wasn't selling as many records as I used to, so I figured I'd better make myself useful.
Don't you think you're a little short to be a cop?
Sarge said that being short meant I'd be better at looking for clues on the ground.
So...
It's clean - no drugs here.
Umm... Prince? They're up on that shelf.

 

Hello there young stallion. I would very much like to explore your forbidden cavern of pleasure with my powerful love missile.
Oh, hi Kramer. What's that you're saying?
Return with me to my garden of unearthly delights, where I shall tease your chocolate starfish with my wizard's staff before letting you taste my creamy white bullet.
Um... okay. I guess.
It always works - blind them with science!
Say, that's a lot of chains you've got there. You got a dog?

 

Hi, welcome to Boinky Burger™. How may I help you?
I'd like to complain about this BoinkyMeal™ I ordered five minutes ago.
What's the problem?
I only ordered one burger, but you've given me three hundred. And all but four taste of shit.
Sir, I'm afraid that's Boinky Burger™'s company policy. Say, are you Super Mario?
No, I'm actually feeling quite ill, thanks to you and your crappy burgers.

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
10-01-03
Grrr! Womack and Womack will eat your babies!
Womack, I am the one they call Morpheus. The world as you know it is a lie. You are really a captive of a race of machines, feeding images into your brain.
You mean this isn't real? All these people are really slaves?
That is true. Human beings are no longer born. We are grown. There are fields, endless fields, with millions of babies being harvested and plugged into the Matrix.
Hey! Get back here!

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
10-01-03
Grrr! Womack and Womack will eat your babies!
Womack! You're just in time to help me test my new time machine!
Time machine?
Yes! I now believe I shall be able to travel through time! I've decided to go back to bibilical times to test it, so I can see the baby Jesus.
Baby Jesus?
Don't even think about it.

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
10-03-03
Hi honey! Have a good day at work?
Martha? I thought I told you never to touch my cock puppet.
Sock. Sock puppet.

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
10-08-03
Grrr! Womack and Womack will eat your babies!
Wow! You're Womack? From Womack and Womack? I'm like totally your biggest fan.
Really?
Like, yeah! I totally have all your albums. I even named my kid after you!
You have a kid called Womack?
Well, I did have. I heard you'd gotten into baby-eating and... Anyway, the court case is next week.

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
10-08-03
Ta-da!
What the fuck? Where's my nose? What the fuck's up with my eyes? My hand- it's all pointy! Did you draw me in kindergarten or something?

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
10-09-03
Curses! Of the people to be trapped floating through space with, it has to be you, the quintessential redheaded stepchild.
You're not my real daddy!
Damn right I'm not. I'd never have touched your mother if I'd known she'd spawned a sub-human wastrel like you.
That's it- I'm telling mom.
Um, newsflash moron-boy. We're trapped in space. I can say whatever I like. There's no way your mother or her cro-magnon of an ex-husband can hear us.
Mom! Your boyfriend's being mean again!

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
10-09-03
It's all your fault we're stuck out here you know.
How so?
It's too hot in here. I'm going to open a window.
Nooooooo!
You are SO grounded for this.

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
10-09-03
Puny robot. I am Unicron! From now on, you serve me!
Yeah? What's in it for me?
I will give you a new body with limitless power!
No, hold on. That's not right.

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
10-09-03
Monkey! I am Unicron! Serve me and I shall reward you with power beyond your wildest dreams!
Ook?
Yes! Act as my servant and power beyond your wildest dreams shall be yours!
Ook ook?
Alright alright. Serve me and I'll give you a banana.

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
10-14-03
-Bzzt!- I, Grope-Bot, am programmed to grope and only to grope!
Please don't. If my mates saw me getting groped they might think I was some kind of gay nancy boy bum bandit! I'd never be able to show me face down the pub again!
(groping!)
Sigh.

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
10-14-03
-Bzzt!- I, Grope-Bot, am programmed to grope and only to grope!
Please don't grope me. I was abused as a child, and being groped might bring back disturbing repressed memories and feelings of despair.
(groping!)
Sigh.

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
10-14-03
-Bzzt!- I, Grope-Bot, am programmed to grope and only to grope!
Please don't. I am an endangered species. Groping me might cause my fragile cardiovascular system to fail and doom my species to extinction.
(groping!)
Sigh.

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
10-20-03
I was out with Gwyneth last night. We had a nice cup of tea and a scone, and then sang around the piano about the hypocrisy of multinational corporations.
I went to an ironic gig in an art gallery last night. There was lots of champagne, cocaine, PVC and fucking.
We went to the shops today. I bought some organic vegetables.
I bought a giant silver futuristic dildo and some champagne and cocaine. Then I went to an art gallery showing clips of 80s films played backwards to a soundtrack of Depeche Mode.
Our new single aims to address the issue of starving children in South America and how we can help by lobbying the World Trade Organisation.
My new single is a cover of "Cry" by Godley and Creme played on a stylophone by a one-armed man in a dress.

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
10-20-03
Grrr! Womack and Womack will eat your babies!
No! You cannot eat babies. We must all protect the children from evil corporations and the US hegemony.
I believe that too, my friend. By eating the babies, they need never grow up in a world with unfair trade restrictions imposed by corrupt governments.
Really? Hmm...
Grrr! Coldplay will eat your babies!

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
10-20-03
Hello! I'd like to buy something ironic please! Maybe something a bit futuristic, but also kitsch. Like a plastic robot that dances to Kraftwerk hits.
I'm not sure we have anything ironic in stock, sir.
You're a feisty one, want to fuck? I have a leatherette sofa in my loft apartment. I could put on my new CD of bossa nova classics played on a vintage synth by a chainsmoking monkey.
I'm sorry, sir. I'm going to have to ask you to leave.
What are you doing tonight? I'm going to see my friend's band at the art gallery. The room's not designed for performance, so the audience are having to sit in the toilets and listen through a vent.
Security?

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
10-28-03
I can believe my wife's having an affair! I can't take it any more- I'm jumping overboard!
Stop right there!
Huh? Who are you?
I am the lord God Almighty! I am here to give warning that it would be very foolish of you to jump.
You're right! Life is worth living! From this day forth, I shall dedicate my life to doing good deeds and spreading Your word.
Or you could just jump off from somewhere on the outside of the boat.

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
10-29-03
Oh, hi Jason. How did the big fight go?
You mean against Freddie? Not so good.
How come?
He just stood there singing "Bohemian Rhapsody". Then he hit me with the microphone stand and ran off.
And don't get me started on that Brian May...

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
11-04-03
Hey! How's the new position going?
You mean my new job as Secretary of Pink Donkey Wrangling? It's great! All the donkeys I can wrangle, and I even got myself a trophy wife!
Honey! I done made a mess again!
How on earth does she count as a trophy wife?
I keep her locked in a cupboard.

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
11-09-03
So. Why exactly is it that they call you "Evil"?
Well, I have this sign that I like to hold up.
That's not very evil.
Don't make me hold up the sign again, mouthy.

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
11-09-03
You again? What evil things have you been up to this week?
I got myself a new sign!
Is that written in blood?
You wouldn't believe the number of kittens it took.

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
11-09-03
Look, kid. I have to warn you. Don't talk the evil talk if you can't walk the evil walk.
You're just saying that because you're jealous of my sign.
Am not.
Am too.

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
11-09-03
What's this? You've come to challenge me on my home turf?
That's right, punk. You're all evil mouth and no evil trouser and I've come to put you in your place.
Hlaglhlaghhughhagl!
My sign! It had no effect! I am defeated!
I have won! BUT AT WHAT COST?

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
11-09-03
Jess, I have something I've been meaning to say for a long time. I think I-
Oh Frank, go on...
It's Sean Paul!
Dun out di part weh yuh gotta in yuh sector. Well yuh know yuh nah let dem guy deh affect ya, yo gal!!! Gal dem waan fi hang out wid di playas and di riders dem. Well yuh know yuh nah let dem guy!
What the-?
Cool! It's Sean Paul!

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
11-09-03
Mrs Johnston, we've got bad news regarding your husband in Iraq. I'm afraid-
Yes? Go on...
It's Sean Paul!
Seh a mi a di dappa dem waan fi be dem big poppa. Gimme di gal dem, after di chronic we tek a drag. Jah know dem ago bun well if dem don't waan correct it.
What the-?
Cool! It's Sean Paul!

Showing page 11.

« Previous Next »