All comics by umfumdisi

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by umfumdisi
4-15-04
Pardon me, Your Graciousness, but Walter wishes a word with woo--I mean, you.
Zounds, this will take forever! I've already eaten my lunch; maybe supper will be ready by the time he's finished. Fine, send him in.
Of course, Your Excellency. I bid you good morrow.
Very well, you are excused.
Shall I fetch some wine or mead, Your Aridness?
Both, weeeeee-yanch!

 

by umfumdisi
4-15-04
Enter...The Dragon!
Han, I have come to end your days of opium trading and white slavery!
At least he doesn't know about the WMDs.
(sorry) Enter...The Wizard.
Gregarious Greetings and Heartfelt Honorifics, My Liege. I have spent a fortnight on Mount Prospero. Most of that time I studied my spell books, drank water from the swelled brook,
and meditated upon the future of your vast and glorious kingdom. Finally, in the fog and glom of my final few hours upon that mount, I was visited by a most intriguing vision!
Please share your vision with me, good wizard. And be a brief as possible?

 

by umfumdisi
4-15-04
Brief? Surely Your Lordship jests. Anywiz, my vision unfolded as follows: It was many and many a year ago in a kingdom by the sea...
STOP! That's Edgar Allan Poe's "Annabelle Lee." First Bruce Lee and now Annabelle Lee. If Robert E. Lee shows up, I'll hang someone!
I plead forgiveness, Your Platitude, but I fear that the very yarn of time is coming unraveled. Wait, I misspeak. Perhaps the yarn of time is merely frayed with puffy edges while the interior remains
dutifully intact. Indeed, I'm reminding mineself of the time I conjured up those "sneakers" for the marathon runner. I forgot to place aglets on the end of his shoestrings, and the poor fellow--
SILENCE!! Just tell me about your damned vision already.

 

by umfumdisi
4-16-04
At Long Last...The Vision:
I was a child with little care or concern for the outside world. I was with my dear Father and Mother. Together, we were walking a mountain path. The grade of the path was not steep, but we walked
for quite a while through scores of boulders. The boulders were unique in that they were all rounded as if eroded by a long-vanished sea. Of course, my feet were shod with leather, but the leather was
ill-fitting and the rhythm of my footfalls filled my head--"shhh-flap, flap, shhh-flap, flap, shhh-flap, flap!" I became so enamoured of the sound that I ignored everything around me.
Finally, the loose leather fell from my foot, and took several steps before even realizing. When I looked up to tell my parents to pause, I found that they had disappeared!
I panicked and started running as fast as I could through the rounded boulders. Soon, I had gained a tremendous amount of speed. I was running so fast that I could barely keep up with mineself!
Now where was that poison? Was it in the vessel with the pestle or the flagon with the dragon? Damn you, Walter!

 

by umfumdisi
4-16-04
Even as I was running so fast, I was searching all about for my poor lost parents (when 'twas I who was truly lost). Then, "WHAM!" I ran into something. 'Twas not a boulder but a BOOT!
Such a large boot I had never seen. Even worse, the boot was filled with a leg. And as I craned my neck upward, I saw the face of a great giant! Certainly, I was afraid, but then the huge man smiled.
His teeth were castle doors, and his hair a manic mess. Even as he reached down his bulky hand to bear me up, I was not afraid because of that endearing smile.
The giant lifted me up--close to his wide visage. He looked me over, smiled, and grunted, "MMRPH!" I had no idea what he meant, but it sounded pleasant enough. It was none too soon, however, that I
found myself being placed between two loaves of bread so as to make a sandwich!
Now he's making me hungry, and I'm going to miss my evening meal if he doesn't get on with it.

 

by umfumdisi
4-16-04
Trapped between those loaves as I was, I didn't know what to do. I thought that this giant had already eaten my parents, and that I would be joining them in the nasty pit of his colossal stomach.
Just then, I heard a terrible buzzing noise. I maneuvered my head to the edge of the loaves to see what was going on. I soon saw the source of the loud buzzing--a giant fly!
The behemoth had spied that fly as well, and the giant smiled even more than when he had seen me. Before I knew what for, the giant dropped me and the bread.
As I looked up, I saw him cup his hands and catch the fly. Then, he popped the nasty insect into his mouth!! I had been dropped in favor of a fly. Luckily, the vision ended before I fell to earth.
And why on Earth, my tongue-wagging wizard, did you wish to relate this vision to me? Is it a parable warning of danger to myself or my kingdom?
No, Your Restlessness, 'twas merely too long to submit to "Reader's Digest."

 

by umfumdisi
4-18-04
Master, master, help. I have bitten myself on the ear!
!
How were you able to accomplish this feat, my son?
I stood on a chair.

 

by umfumdisi
4-18-04
Hey, it's 04-18-04!
So?
It's a numerical palindrome.
Not really, if you wrote that date backwards it would be 40-81-40.
40-81-40? Those were my mother's measurements.
Yeah, remember the time we deep-fried the cat and she ate it?

 

by umfumdisi
4-18-04
Sometime in the 1930s...
Father, come quickly, there's trouble at the convent!
What's the matter, Mother Superior?
It's the scarlet fever, but we don't know for sure how many of the sisters are carrying.
That's not so bad. Prepare the sisters and tell them to get ready for the Dick Test.
You sick bastard!
No, that's the name of the test for scarlet fever! Honestly, it was developed in 1925 by George and Gladys Dick. Besides, you know I only molest young boys.

 

by umfumdisi
4-19-04
ONCE upon a time in a land not so very far away, there lived a young boy named Michael Carmichael.
Now Michael was not as pretty as the other boys in the land. He didn't have long, black, curly hair like them. He couldn't dance or sing like the rest of them.
Thanks a lot, narrator.
And since he didn't fit in with the crowd, he was shunned. Already being treated for shun-o-phobia, Michael decided to stay in his room forever with his only true love...
My comic books!

 

by umfumdisi
4-19-04
Ah, yes, comic books. Young Michael read them all...The Fantastic Four, Archie & Jughead, Mickey Mouse, Spiderman, Superman, and even Richie Rich!
"It's better than being shunned," he thought.
Michael read each series voraciously. He took no time to look at advertisements. He wanted action, suspense, and laughs.
Oh, Heathcliff, you are one sassy cat!
But the events of one day would change his life forever...
Hey, Mom, just put the new comics on my bed. I'll be down for dinner soon. Thanks.
Son, you better put down Mr. Magoo, I have some bad news...

 

by umfumdisi
4-19-04
Michael, I don't know how to tell you this, but Mr. Hooper died. The comic book store had to be shut down and the inventory liquidated to pay for his funeral services.
Mikey?
So you...DIDN'T...get me any comics?
I'm sorry, son. The auction was two days ago, and I just didn't know
What will I do? I can't go out there and face all those pretty bastards!

 

by umfumdisi
4-19-04
And as the long winter set in, so did a coldness unto Michael's heart. He tried to cope with the horrible news. He spent days alphabetizing and categorizing his comic books...
Then there's Professor X, The Punisher, and Q-Bert.
After that, he spent months memorizing his comic books...
Then, in DC #361, Jimmy Olsen turns into a HUMAN ATOM BOMB!
Finally, there was nothing left to do but read each comic cover to cover--including the ads!
Wow, I never knew there were Hostess Fruit Pie smuggling rings.

 

by umfumdisi
4-19-04
At last Spring came, and all the pretty boys with their hair danced around and sang ditties about the rebirth of nature.
"I like big butts, and I can not lie; you other brothers can't deny...
that when a girl walks by with an itty-bitty waist and a round thing in your face, you get sprung!"
Yet Michael Carmichael remained in his room. At least he had moved his desk in front of the window on the other side of the room.
And as he turned yet another page in yet another comic, the sunshine of spring illuminated an ad he had not fully noticed before...
IMAGINE having a whole tumbling, happy circus of live, scampering Sea-Monkeys®!

 

by umfumdisi
4-19-04
Watching them "clown around" while they scoot and play provides an endless source of FUN and LAUGHS for you and your entire FAMILY!.
Best of ALL, we will show you how to utterly astonish your friends by making your Sea-Monkeys® appear to do tricks and stunts at YOUR COMMAND!
We ship your Sea-Monkeys® with a No-Risk FULL MONEY-BACK GUARANTEE that even includes your postage.
Fill out the Coupon below and make room for a bowlfull of happiness in your home - Amazing Live SEA-MONKEYS®.
Of course, Michael could only hope that this amazing offer was still valid.
Well, they do have the MONEY-BACK GUARANTEE.
And these SEA-MONKEYS® sound awesome. What could go wrong?

 

by umfumdisi
4-21-04
Six-to-Eight Weeks Later...
*Knife, Knife* -- Crap, I mean -- *Knock, Knock, Knock*
Hi, I'm Butch from SKiDS. I have a package here for Michael Carmichael.
SKiDS?
Yeah, Serial Killer Delivery Service. Sign here, please.
No problem, and here's a big fat tip to help you forget our address.

 

by umfumdisi
4-21-04
My package is finally here! Now to get started on those Sea Monkeys®!
Step 1: Boil 12 ounces of water and let cool. Pour cooled water into provided aquarium. Empty "Water Purifier" packet into aquarium.
Step 1 (cont'd): Stir until dissolved. Put aquarium in well-lit area and leave for 24 to 30 hours???
24-to-30 Hours Later...
Step 2: Now pour "Instant Live Eggs" packet into aquarium. Stir gently for one minute. Eggs will begin to hatch instantly!
Hell...I don't see ANYTHING.

 

by umfumdisi
4-21-04
The Next Day...
Hey, Ernie, you ever get the feeling we're being watched?
Very much so...especially when I'm pleasuring myself.
Holy Neptune, that Sea Monkey® is spanking his monkey!
The ones at the bottom don't seem as active.
I betchya two pints Arsenal will take arse 'n' all in the UEFA this year.
You're on, MacFly. Chelsea's gonna bring it, Y'ARGH!

 

by umfumdisi
4-21-04
The Day After That One...
Good news, Mikey. Mr. Limbaugh over at Discount Drugs is selling comics over-the-counter. I bought you a few dozen.
My true love...returns? I'm overcome.
And so Michael Carmichael's next few days are spent gloriously thumbing through the latest comics, but it seems as though he has forgotten something...
Magneto, you bagnificent mastard !
...Feeding and Aeration!
Hell and abomination, this happens every time.
I believe you owe me two pints.

 

by umfumdisi
4-22-04
"And just ahead you will see the asiangirls in their natural habitat. Amazingly, these creatures subsist mainly on a diet of rice and semen..."
Look, Daddy, Look!!!
Shut up and hold onto that fiver I gave you.
Look, Sis, Look!!! It's another truckload of White Imperialist Devils.
Let's show them our asses.
"Using a unique barter system, the asiangirls will also trade certain services for food, cigarettes, and sometimes jewelry or clothing..."
Daddy, I saw their bare butts!
Don't worry, we'll give you a booster shot when we get back to camp.

 

by umfumdisi
4-22-04
Hi there. Are you like me?
Are you on your couch right now saying, "No, I don't even know who the hell you are!"
Well, on the odd chance that you are like me, I'll go ahead and ask:
Have you ever wondered what the hell Bob Dylan was singing about?
If so, then rush out today and buy a box of SpongeBob DylanPants Cereal --now with brown and green Traveling Wilberries.
Inside each box, you'll find a Zimmerman-approved VOCAL DECODER! Amaze your friends and chastise your enemies when they misquote Bob The Bard.

 

by umfumdisi
4-22-04
Good morning, longtime companion, would you like some pancakes for breakfast? An omelette? Perhaps some sausage and biscuits with gravy?
Of course not, preferred partner, besides being fattening, all those things take a long time to make and leave the kitchen in a mess.
Whatever shall we do?
We need something quick yet filling.
I know, let's have some of our very own INSTANT HALL & OATESMEAL!
That sounds great, Darryl. And we don't have to worry about choosing a flavor, because INSTANT HALL & OATESMEAL is only available in Vanilla.

 

by umfumdisi
4-22-04
Eddie Vedder here along with
Stone Gossard.
We're not here to sell you anything.
We just want you to know that we have several flavors available if you decide you'd like to try us.
There's the original Pearl Jam, and, uh, we also have Spin The Black Berry, and Red Mosquito is pretty good.
And don't forget our hard-to-find, limited edition flavor--Yellow Ledbetter. Mmm-mmm.

 

by umfumdisi
4-23-04
When it's late at night, and you're composing music in your home recording studio, nothing hits the spot like a sandwich. And You Haven't Done Nothin' until you've had turkey on Stevie Wonder Bread.
Speaking of turkey, you'd be a jive turkey to buy what Stevie's sellin'. Take it from the man who Can't Get Enough Of Your Love, Babe, and buy Barry White-Wheat today.
Look at those smug Americans. Never Again will you have to put up with boring whitebread. Add a little taste to your life with PumperNickelback, eh.

 

by umfumdisi
4-25-04
Chris Cornell here with another fine product available at your local Music Super Star Market.
Do we get to talk this time?
When I left Soundgarden, it was because of so much friction within the band. The other guys wanted to write lyrics, but I WRITE THE LYRICS! So, I found myself a group of guys who shut up and play.
At least he's talking about us.
Still, all that friction hurt, you know. That's why I came up with AUDIOSALVE. It's guaranteed to ease those old wounds.
Just tell us when and what to play, Mr. Cornell.

 

by umfumdisi
4-25-04
Just one more piece, honey, there's only a few left...
NO! It's old and dry and smelly--like grandpa.
How many times has it happened to you? You make a year's worth of sweets for the holidays, and nobody eats your fudge.
Sure, everybody claims to like fudge, but three weeks later, you can't get the dog to eat it!
Well, Introduce Yourself to The Real Thing--FUDGE NO MORE.
Add Fudge No More before you bake. Here's the secret...it's laced with just enough Angel Dust to make your household break the fudge-eating Record Of The Year!

 

by umfumdisi
4-25-04
Say, did you kids hear the one about the early bird?
Clowns are lame.
And sad.
This party blows.
Harder than your sister!

 

by umfumdisi
4-25-04
Oh Yeah!!!
Holy Shit
Holy Shit
It's the...
TOOL-AID Man!

 

by umfumdisi
4-25-04
Is your lettuce more limp than a biscuit? Is your radicchio no longer rad? If so, take it from me, Emeril Largassé, and...
kick your salad up a notch with Mötley Crüetöns! Available in four fine flavors:
Viscious Vince!
Munchy Mick!
Naughty Nikki!
Totally Tommy!

 

by umfumdisi
4-26-04
Dear Abby checks her email...
"You have...5,207 email!"
This one looks interesting...
DSFA ASGERjhjf: Lasdtewly i havae beanwe havinrg tweoiuble with my kewyfbeofkd. i irnkl emaild bu gfhir no oen re4wfewr reaplkies. Plekjaf HELPO! Keeyed Upoi in Kndifoha.
Well, that's easy enough to fix!
Dear Keyed Up in Kenosha: Take off your gloves before typing. You're Welcome, Abby.

 

by umfumdisi
4-27-04
Well, that's another barn raised.
Yes, and there will much gossip tonight at the quilting bee.
I must admit I'm getting a little tired of the Amish lifestyle, though.
I know! It's been TWO WHOLE MONTHS, and I haven't even made ONE dollah.
There must be SOME way to turn these Bible thumpers into hayloft humpers...
Let's show them our asses!

 

by umfumdisi
4-27-04
Two shown asses later...
Damn, no response.
These guys sure aren't made of wood.
Pardon us, but did we just see
two nice little round asses?
They're not men, Sis, but I think they're still Amish.
As long as they're big and pink, I don't care!

 

by umfumdisi
5-03-04
Dammit, Marla, it's not right. I need PISS!
No, I get the Penile Implant Support Society meetings because my husband has them.
Has what?
Penile Implants!
YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE A HUSBAND!
Well...you don't even have a penis.

 

by umfumdisi
5-03-04
You're hot. Let's fuck.
Oh, if only Dan were THIS evil.
Just look at those two. I am Dan's seething jealousy.
I am the bee that points at people who refer to themselves in the third person.
Okay, you lie down on that dirty table, face up. I'll stand over you and fuck your tits while you lick my asshole.
Why didn't you just say you wanted an "English Muffin?"

 

by umfumdisi
5-03-04
I can't believe Marla gave him an English Muffin--that's OUR position.
I'll show her--I'll give her a BAD English Muffin!
Hi there, I'm Neal Schon.
And I'm John Waite.
We joined forces in the late 80s to bring you the supergroup Bad English.
And now we've joined forces again to bring you a scrumptious breakfast treat--Bad English Muffins!

 

by umfumdisi
5-03-04
Umfum, dude, this series is falling apart. What the hell was that?
It's like in "Fight Club" where you spliced in that crotch shot. Perm was the closest thing to a penis I could find!
I'll buy that, but you better wrap things up in the next comic.
Yes, father.

 

by umfumdisi
5-03-04
I realize now that you are the Great Potato Durden--foretold by ObiJo Van Pelt.
?
How I have waited these long years for you to appear in my sincere potato patch. Now salt me with your curly-fried words of wisdom.
Marla is a whore.
I think I'm going to shoot myself.
Cool. I'm going to the next round.

 

by umfumdisi
5-04-04
Hi, I'm Johnny. What can I do for you today?
First, I want you to produce two thick cuts of Burnett's T_Bones.
Next, I think five pounds of Ground Chuck Berry will be good, Johnny.
Finally, for my brother George, please add some fresh Chopped Liverace.

 

by umfumdisi
5-04-04
I'm the "Motor City Madman" Ted Nugent. Back in the early 90s I formed a supergroup with Tommy Shaw and Jack Blades. We were the Damn Yankees.
These days I'm a crazy sonovabitch with my own reality series and a Super New Product--DAMN YANKEE BEANS. Go get some today. NOW! NOW! NOW!
Mommy, Mommy, I want some Damn Yankee Beans.
Great, now I have to put a block on the Food Network.

 

by umfumdisi
5-11-04
Alright, stop! Pasteurize and glisten. Ice is back with a brand new invention. Vanilla, grabs ahold of my taste buds, it's even better than Idaho spuds!
Vanilla Ice, Ice Cream--too cold, too cold.
To the ice cream, I grab the scoop handle, add it to cake and put on a candle! Rush, into the room I spring, and make everyone join in as I sing...
Happy, Happy Birthday, baby--too cold, too cold.
Will I ever stop? Yo, probably so. After all it's already two thousand and fo'.
15 minutes, minutes, baby--too cold, too cold.

 

by umfumdisi
5-11-04
In my Brutal Youth, When I Was Cruel, I ate only Blood & Chocolate.
Later, I was Mighty Like A Rose and felt like the King Of America.
Alas, I proved to be merely This Year's Model.
I didn't know what to do with All This Useless Beauty inside.
Rather than remaining Almost Blue, I decided to Get Happy!! I sold my name so that I'd no longer have to Punch The Clock.
Yes, I've sold out. Next time you see me, I'll be ELVIS COSJELL-O. And this week when you buy three boxes of me, you get a free package of Anne Sofie Von Otter Pops.

 

by umfumdisi
5-11-04
Overheard in the Fresh Fish Villa:
Hey, have you seen THELONIOUS around?
No, not since last week's sale on MONKfish!
In the Vegetarian aisle:
Tired of tasty steaks, tangy chicken, and tempting pork dishes? Get some TO-FOO FIGHTERS brand Tofu today.
It's Grohl-licious!
Under a boat somewhere:
Hungry Like The Wolf for the next Big Thing in candy? Then you must crunch my SIMON LEBON-BONs now.

 

by umfumdisi
5-11-04
Laverne?
Yes, Shirley?
I hate to bring this up, but I've been constipated for seven days.
Sounds like you need something gentle and relaxing to regulate your fecal cycle.
Okay, do you have anything like that?
Sure, you can borrow one of my new laxative suppositories. Just put one ENYA.

 

by umfumdisi
5-11-04

 

by umfumdisi
5-11-04

 

by umfumdisi
5-11-04
So we hoofed it back to my place because she wanted me to pork her. You should have heard me squeal out of that lot.
She was pretty as a petunia and had to be livin' high on the hog to afford eight implants. And baby got fatback, knowhatimean?
Yer goin' ta hell, ya know.
Why, for getting a little bacon on the side?
Nah, fer them Gad-awful puns.

 

by umfumdisi
5-11-04

 

by umfumdisi
5-12-04
We now interrupt "Who Wants To Makeover My Queer Millionaire Bachelor?" for this special bulletin...
Good evening. You folks may want to sit down for this news. Today, the Rap group Bone Thugs-N-Harmony announced that they are reuniting.
Also, they are changing their sound and creating a new musical genre in the process...
They call it, "Carpetgazing." They describe the sound as "slower and more forlorn than 'Shoegazing.'"
They have abandoned their thuggish ways and announced their new group name as Bare Rugs-N-Harmony.
Also, the members have changed their names from Krayzie Bone, Wish Bone, Flesh-N-Bone, Layzie Bone, and Bizzy Bone to Bare Lee There, Bare-Assed, Bare Naked, Bare Lee Breathing, and Bare Bonez.

 

by umfumdisi
5-14-04
Reckon.
Beckon.
Beacon.
Bacon.
Canadian.
Me.

 

by umfumdisi
5-17-04
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You BASTARD.

Showing page 12.

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