All comics by Cobb

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by Cobb
2-22-05
i haven't seen you around here before.
well of course not. i am not an american. i am european.
oh? which country? i can't quite place your accent.
what does it matter? why do you need to categorize me? what is it with you americans and your categorizations? you have it all wrong.
so when are you going back?
is that some kind of insult? you americans and your insults!

 

by Cobb
2-22-05
so this your american invention called blogging? i don't see the point of it.
it's just thousands of people writing exactly what they think in realtime. we counteract the biases of mainstream media.
ah yes. the american media needs to be kept in check. i see we can agree on this point.
so what are you taking a survey?
not exactly. i have come here from europe to see for myself these american ways. i am an envoy of sorts.
hey did you bring any toblerone?

 

by Cobb
2-23-05
terri schindler-schiavo is still on life support, but they're trying to pull the plug again. it's a shame.
i'm sorry, i am not familiar with this event.
well, there's this woman in florida who has been in a coma for 13 years...
..excuse me but what is a coma?
i can see that it's going to be difficult to convince you.
no, really. i'm all for jobs for the handicapped.

 

by Cobb
2-23-05
..so that's a coma. i see.
so what do you think? shouldn't she be kept alive no matter what the cost?
yes.
yes!? i'm so surprised that you agree with me. i mean being from a place where such advanced medical technology. i was sure you'd dismiss it as an american extravagance.
i expect to hear no excuses from you when congress appropriates more billions in defense of the new iraqi democracy.
you set me up.

 

by Cobb
2-23-05
..so that's a coma. i see.
so what do you think? shouldn't terri be kept alive at all costs?
yes. absolutely.
wow. i'm surprised. i thought you would dismiss this as typical american extravagance and meddling.
i expect no complaint from you when more tax billions are appropriated to assist the new iraqi democracy.
you set me up.

 

by Cobb
2-23-05
i just had a job interview in boston.
oh? how did it go?
great, but i'm really worried about living, you know, there.
boston is a big city just like l.a., what's so different?
duh. no people of color. even the janitors who clean out the offices at night are white, not mexican.
oh yeah that. it does take some getting used to. by the way, those are albanians.

 

by Cobb
2-23-05
there's no way i can live in boston. i mean, i don't have anything against white people, but it's just too white.
c'mon, it can't be that bad.
oh no? i swear to god that i even saw a nike basketball commercial with no black people in it.
damn!
the town only has one black radio station. i mean how am i going to survive culturally?
you have my email address right?

 

by Cobb
2-24-05
do you remember when your tastes grew up?
ah.. yes, when i graduated to cabernet from zinfandel.
funny, i think of my cultural maturity in terms of salad dressing. first i was a 1000 island, then a bleu cheese.
oh i can see that too. i dabbled in raspberry vinaigrette for a time. what are you now?
i think of the combination of honey and mustard as a living things that connect you more to life. and it tastes so fucking good.
why does that sound familiar? bukowski?

 

by Cobb
2-24-05
i didn't know you were a rapper.
i'm not, i'm a blogger. where did you get that idea?
slate.com. they said that bloggers were no better than rappers.
here i thought i was part of the best american traditions of political muckraking in the mode of upton sinclair and h.l. mencken.
that would be mc pimp daddy mencken.
not you too!

 

by Cobb
2-25-05
so is this guy gluckert hot or not?
you can't be serious. you know he's gay.
i don't see why girls can't think gays are hot. i mean guys think lesbians are hot.
that's hardly the point. this is a security hole of enormous dimensions.
yeah, over eight inches!
i see why this story won't go away.

 

by Cobb
2-26-05
well i hope you're happy.
uh oh. what's this about?
niger innis and jesse lee petersen were on c-span all day. i've never heard such fatuous right wing blather in all my life.
oh. i didn't know about it, but i'm glad that they're getting exposure.
how can you say that? i thought black conservatives would like more reasonable representatives.
it just means the media is giving equal time. now we have someone to battle jesse jackson and al sharpton.

 

by Cobb
2-26-05
it doesn't bother you to be represented by jesse lee peterson?
no more than it bothers you to be represented by..oh say.. michael dukakis.
michael dukakis? i wasn't even old enough to vote for him. what does he have to do with me?
you're a white liberal aren't you?
yeah but i didn't vote.. ok i see your point.
tell a friend.

 

by Cobb
2-27-05
you must be that european dude everybody's talking about. have you gotten your ass kicked yet?
you americans and your ass kicking. what would you know about getting your ass kicked? you have it all wrong.
yeah, well i guess i see your point. on 9/11 we got kicked pretty hard in the shins, but it wasn't really our ass.
someday you'll know what it's like to be humiliated. just you wait.
what are you belgian? swiss? and what's with the crispin glover haircut?
just you wait.

 

by Cobb
2-28-05
did you watch the oscars last night?
yeah just to see chris rock, but i didn't watch the whole thing. what do you think i'm gay or something?
eww. chris rock is such a vulgarian. what an egomaniac.
ha! it figures. you just can't stand the idea that a black guy can get on stage and say anything he pleases.
yeah but whatever happened to class and civility?
oh christ, you're so gay.

 

by Cobb
2-28-05
i'm so gay? am i supposed to be offended by that or something? that's the most insulting..
..yadda yadda. spare me your outrage. you're such a wuss.
excuse me? 'gay?' a 'wuss', i am female you know.
obviously.
obviously.
see? you admit it.

 

by Cobb
2-28-05
have you noticed that everywhere we go to try to start some trouble, all the action is somewhere else?
look, you begged me to come here to tehran. now what?
it's all happening in beirut, man. we need to be in lebanon.
why not prague? why not mexico city?
what are you, stupid? the lebanese-syrian alliance is falling apart. don't make me miss this, i'm still mad about missing the orange revolution.
i think we need to re-evaluate our relationship.

 

by Cobb
3-02-05
i've come to a decision about my career.
what is it this time?
i've decided to become a liberal arts professor.
that's a surprise. i thought you were all about the money.
well, first i have to claim to be a crippled, gay native american with tourettes. then i get the talk show..
that sounds more plausible. make sure you find jesus and repent about two years into it.

 

by Cobb
3-02-05
do you recall when gwbush promised in his first campaign that he would not engage in 'nation building'?
yes, i actually do remember that.
do you think that iraq was a worthwhile exception?
that depends on which way lebanon goes, the price of oil, the palestinian question, what ultimately happens in sudan and the price tag of the deficit.
those are tough obstacles and they're only tangential to iraq itself.
c'mon. you think compassionate conservatism is enough?

 

by Cobb
3-02-05
a consortium of left wing bloggers has set the guinness world record for the most lame gwbush bashing jokes at 3981 in a two hour period.
the prior record of 394 in a two hour period held by michael moore was upset. moore had no comment.
the organizer of the blog collective whose name was withheld, is currently being held without charges at guantanamo bay.

 

by Cobb
3-06-05
i hear you had a falling out on your misanthropic adventures with the rogue agent.
we'll i'l be damned if it isn't the liberal fairy. you've come to grant me a wish?
the fairy council collaboratively agreed that your imbroglio would could provide us with a daring feat at this opportune moment.
is that a yes?
i'm contractually bound by the negotiated settlement to be at least marginally obfuscatory, but i can assure you that you do indeed have a wish coming.
if i ask for a translator, is that part of the wish?

 

by Cobb
3-06-05
i heard that you had a falling out on your misanthropic adventures with the rogue agent.
well i'll be damned if it ain't the liberal fairy. are you here to grant me a wish?
i've taken the imperative delivered by my superiors who have assessed the situation and are resolved to make an adjustment in your reality.
what about my wish?
the crux of liberalism is enlightened self-interest. we will grant you a wish. it is in your self-interest to be enlightened about it.
you're going to give me a prius aren't you?

 

by Cobb
3-07-05
how many hits do you get on your blog on a daily basis?
well, as a large mammal in the ecosystem, i get about 1000 hits a day.
pretty impressive. about how many of those people do you think are your friends?
i dunno. i recognize about 40 or 50 regular commenters.
how many of the others do you think wouldn't sue you or rat you out for money?
i see where you're going and i refuse to self-censor. don't forget this is america... oh shit.

 

by Cobb
3-08-05
i forgot that you did blogging for the right wing.
well, i haven't had much to say lately. everything has been going our way.
yeah but what about hezbollah in lebanon?
that's a fake demonstration, and by the way it's hizbollah.
hizbollah?
yeah. no women allowed.

 

by Cobb
3-08-05
our aim is to liberate you from the rogue agent. so perhaps you'd wish for freedom from your cage.
oh yeah?
just ask for it and you'll be free.
but..
c'mon. you can do it.
..actually, i don't know how to fly.

 

by Cobb
3-08-05
oh you poor dear. all this time you've never even considered your own freedom.
well..
this is precisely what we've been talking about. the cage is only symbolic. the hegemonic oppression of the corporate patriarchy has destroyed your capacity to imagine your own liberation.
..i..
you are a victim of systematic brainwashing, and you are complicit in your own captivity. this is the source of your dysfunction, hatred, fear, and homophobia.
...don't have any wings.

 

by Cobb
3-08-05
look, are you going to psychoanalyze me and make me an example of your crazy theories or just grant my damned wish?
well, that depends.
depends on what?
if your wish is boilerplate, you know, if it fits into the rubric of the liberal fairy doctrine, i can grant it on the spot.
..and if not?
well, then i would have to take it back to the oversight committee and they'd commission an impact study..

 

by Cobb
3-12-05
what's new?
identity theft is at an all-time high.
who would want to steal my identity? i mean it's hard enough being black in america.
not with a credit score like yours.
hmm. i have a feeling that you're about to sell me some kind of protection.
i prefer hard currency, if you don't mind.

 

by Cobb
3-13-05
you surprise me. i thought i would have been able to guess your master password.
you're trying to crack my security?
well it's standard practice. you know. i pretend to be the hacker. that way i can see where you're most vulnerable.
my master password is 184 characters long.
and you never wrote it down? how could you possibly remember it? it failed my dictionary attack.
i'll give you a clue. think public enemy lyrics.

 

by Cobb
3-13-05
aha! rap lyrics as passwords. it's brilliant. they're easy to remember even though they make no sense.
easy there partner, remember who's paying the bills here.
well, i didn't mean public enemy of course. but generally speaking..
..you're right. the average rap fan has a gold mine of national security strength passphrases at their disposal.
unless they use the correct english spelling. words are easy to guess.
fo' shizzle, my nizzle.

 

by Cobb
3-14-05
hey i've thought about what you were saying about going to lebanon...
oh my god.
i'm too late.

 

by Cobb
3-17-05
you always ask me about what's going on online. why don't you find out for yourself?
i don't have a computer.
you've gotta be kidding me. as much money as your family has, you don't even have a computer? why not?
well, it's kind of complicated.
this i have to hear.
well, my mother endowed a chair for digital divide studies..

 

by Cobb
3-17-05
so you've been completely oblivious to the dustup about blogosphere diversity.
this is america it could only go one way. let's see. some non-white bloggers complained about not being respected..
i don't remember that, but go ahead.
..but nobody paid attention until a white liberal said as much. and then white conservatives shouted him down, and everybody said we're not biased..
wow. spot on.
..the spectre of affirmative action was raised, and in the end the only blogs that got more traffic were the same ones.

 

by Cobb
3-17-05
in light of the acquittal of robert blake on murder charges, do you as a woman feel less safe?
in light of the acquittal of robert blake on murder charges, are you glad you don't have to riot?
in light of the acquittal of robert blake on murder charges do you think the war in iraq...
whew! i thought he was going to ask me about wolfowitz and the world bank.

 

by Cobb
3-17-05
here i am. alone in tehran. without my bird. diplomacy is moving forward. i have no mandate to assassinate anyone.
i feel so abandoned.

 

by Cobb
3-19-05
lose something?
curse you liberal fairy!
yes, we are responsible for the liberation of the poor avian creature you had in captivity. now it is free.
you won't get away with this, you fiend!
what's with the superhero dialog?
well, you have discovered my single weakness, and well, you know, i watched 'unbreakable' on dvd last night.

 

by Cobb
3-20-05
i had the weirdest dream about terri schiavo.
you mean that rich white woman that everybody's all freaking out about?
why does it have to be a race and class thing? i mean it's really about..
..yeah whatever. tell me about the dream.
well, actually, in my dream. i'm her and i come back to life and marry that cute guy from 'lost', you know the bad boy, sawyer? and then..
..ok can we talk about race and class now?

 

by Cobb
3-20-05
i don't see how you can be so callous and disrespectful about terri schiavo. i mean what if it were you, or your daughter? wouldn't you want help?
what i want, what i deserve and what i get are three different things.
see? that's why. you don't believe in kindness. you have abandoned hope. you're like, in denial that people are basically good.
how are you and your boyfriend getting along? is that situation basically good?
that's really none of your business.
hmm. i thought so.

 

by Cobb
3-20-05
the way i see it is this. if terri schiavo came back to life, she'd be in a family fued that has now involved the senate and the whole country.
so? at least she'd be alive. i mean starving her to death. what don't you understand about how wrong that is?
plus, she'd be brain damaged and 15 years out of touch with the world. sounds to me like a fate worse than death.
people can start over. the possibilities of life are limitless.
puhlease. you wouldn't even trade places with me, and i'm in a better relationship than you.
don't go there again. i'm warning you.

 

by Cobb
3-20-05
i've been arranging logistics for the schiavo vigil, plus it looks like we've got the votes in the senate to intervene. that tube is going back, brother.
you conservatives crack me up. i thought you believed in states rights.
i don't think you heard me, i said we have the votes. it's bipartisan. how can you not see the value of life here?
how can you not see the hypocrisy? what do you think this is, extreme makeover? nothing can be done. she can't be saved. it's in the hands of god.
since when did you believe in god you liberal heathen? we have the technology to work the will of god. we can make her stronger.
oscar goldman was a jew, you flipping that script too?

 

by Cobb
3-20-05
what have you done with my bird? bring it back this instant.
my my. touchy aren't we? the bird does not belong to you. it is not your property. you have no right to it.
that bird... that bird was my only friend in the world. and you took it away from me.
oh.. i.. i didn't realize..
you have no idea how stressful it is to be a freelance assassin.
..well. perhaps i could recommend a therapist.

 

by Cobb
3-23-05
i don't want psychotherapy, i want my bird back.
the liberal fairy senses that this truly is your most profound desire. sobeit.
you're back! my misanthropic pal! oh man it's good to see you. where did she zap you to?
the locus of all human suffering.
sounds like you. hey, i'm sorry i had to bring you back, but i realized...
..yeah well that's ok. i was expecting something more dramatic than a feeding tube anyway.

 

by Cobb
3-24-05
bush is disgusting on social security.
what do you want? he's admitted that private accounts are only a partial solution.
exactly. where's his real solution?
but, he's not forcing any plan on anyone. he's only forcing the congress to act.
he should come up with his own plan and stop waiting for everybody else. if he's a real leader then he should lead.
oh. you mean unilaterally.

 

by Cobb
3-24-05
hacked anything unusual recently?
just ordinary stuff like nuclear plant gps locations and the names of prisoners in gitmo, also budget plans for some project called slmsk.
really. where'd you get it?
the department of homeland security. they're in transition with the new security czar and all. so there are some holes.
don't any of their departments work?
they seem to be pretty good at redacting the public record.

 

by Cobb
3-26-05
what's that on your computer screen?
it's my schiavo-gram.
your what?
my schiavo-gram. we set up a passive array around her hospital bed and now i've got real-time stats on her vitals.
you're kidding right? half of the lines are flat.
sometimes we get the brainwaves of the reporters too.

 

by Cobb
3-26-05
dude, can i score some buds from you?
sure. actually you can have some free.
that's generous. what's the occasion? you give it up for lent or something?
naw. it's just this schiavo thing has got me thinking about my brain cells.
that's funny coming from you. you don't even have enough brain cells to think about your brain cells.
yeah, well i think the price just went up.

 

by Cobb
3-26-05
seriously though dude, you're really bummed by this schiavo thing?
yeah. i mean what if i got some paraquat in my stash or something?
dude, you're practically a vegetable now. how would anybody know the difference?
everything's a joke to you.
yeah so would you want me to pull the plug or not?
hell no. not as long as i could puff on my own.

 

by Cobb
3-26-05
i'm feeling really left out. all of these democracies are breaking out and i'm not making it happen.
so you didn't have anything to do with hariri's assassination in lebanon?
don't i wish. i was stuck in tehran gathering gps markers. it's monkey work i tell you. i'm in a slump.
well maybe you could go back to torturing detainees at gitmo.
you mean go back to the minor leagues? no freakin' way.
i don't see how you get off turning down good work. contracts don't just grow on trees you know.

 

by Cobb
3-28-05
now that we're back together, we have to get some ground rules straight.
don't start with me. i may be caged but i don't have to take orders from you.
you know, i thought our symbiosis was fairly well established. you hate humans and i'm an assassin. it works for me.
i think you've lost your nerve. you haven't killed anyone in months. what kind of cia do you work for? i need to see some destruction here.
there is no i in team.
there is no i in wuss, but there's a you.

 

by Cobb
3-29-05
you're looking peaceful.
i am. i had a dream about the future of terri schiavo.
oh no not more, please.
but it was a good thing. you see, she died and finally everyone who had been yelling on both sides agreed on a moment of silence.
i'm living for that moment.
may it be as long as the ocean is deep.

 

by Cobb
3-31-05
they say death comes in threes, and sure enough it's true.
johnnie cochran, harold cruse and terri schiavo.
what do you think are the chances that we'll get any intelligent discussion on the contributions they made to society?
in the media? not much. what if you and i had our own discussion?
it would be respectful and we'd actually learn something from each other..
..nah, let's go argue with the idiots on tv!

Showing page 14.

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