All comics by crabby

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by crabby
4-03-04
MuthaFuckin Kid Rock here! Tonight we gona get political on yur ass! Tonights Guest is Mr. Vincente Fox!
Good evening.
Mr. President why don't you tell us the current state of your country.
Well as of right now.........
PLEASE SIR WE NEED A TAMALE UPDATE!!!!!!
Our Tamale silos are currently at 3/4's their capacity.

 

by crabby
4-03-04
Tongights MuthaFuckin guest is someone I have alot of respect for. Tonight's guest is former Canadian Prime Minister Jean Chrétien.good evening Mr. Chrétien.
1111 0001 0100 1110
What do you say to your opponents who criticized you for having a government with little vision, which reacted instead of acted?
1111 1100 0000 1111 1111
And to those that say you smell like a moose?
1011 1010 1101

 

by crabby
4-13-04
My favorite neice Gia! I've decided to pick you up on your birthday and take you out for a wonderful weekend of camping!
I'm sorry miss but I've never seen you in my life.
I have a sack of nickels in my bag. War time nickels minted from 1942 to 1945! Do you have any idea what that means?
Well, during World War 2 The war time nickel was introduced to eliminate the use of nickel, which was needed for the war.
Precisely, Now please join with me for a weekend of camping. All our equipment is unfortunetly buried with my ex husband so first we must dig up his glorious corpse.
Well.........I do love camping.

 

by crabby
4-13-04
My husband is buried just up ahead. You will have to dig him up because I just don't have the heart to see him in his current condition.
Right.
So then she told me she had a sack of War time nickels, but she promised to take me camping so, you know, I dug you up.
If she wants her damn camping tools tell her to go to the pawn shop> I pawned that old lantern years ago to pay my gambling debts.
Gambling debts?
Gambling debts, underage male prostitutes? Whats the difference?

 

by crabby
4-13-04
Gia, you should know that I have no intention of taking you camping. I plan to just let you sit around this abandoned factory and read my manuscripts.
What the fuck!
I've written quite a few manuscripts.
But...I don't want to read them.
Well, thats why I kidnapped you and am holding you at sock full of nickels point silly.
Damn her and her crooked logic!

 

by crabby
4-13-04
Most of these "manuscripts" are just recipes. This one is for butter. "Take one cup broth, mix with butter, add 2 spoons of sugar. Mix and enjoy!" I'm not even sure what that means.
All the "manuscripts" that aren't just recipes are just pictures of puppies.
Can I leave now your "manuscripts" are awful.
Not yet, I still have one more surprise in store for you!

 

by crabby
4-13-04
SURPRISE!!!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!
Nate! You disguised yourself as an elderly woman, kidnapped me with a sock full of war time nickels, forced me to dig up a corpse, then forced me to read manuscripts just to surprise me?
Ok, I admit they weren't war time nickels They were just regular nickels. With a couple of pennies.
You know I love war time nickels. ASSHOLE!
So you ready to go to the party?
Just take me home.

 

by crabby
4-14-04
Imagine a woman. A woman with a date of birth. Once a year on the aniversary of this date of birth this woman enjoys celebrating her date of birth.
Now imagine that a small internet community with which this woman is associated forgot this date of birth just one year ago.
Then to get back at the community this woman won a contest and made the rule that everyone had to make a comic about her date of birth. Nobody could forget it now. Nobody.

 

by crabby
4-14-04
May 10th
Hey Nate know what today is?
It's your Birthday my love! HAPPY BIRTHDAY! I have a whole day planed, first we'll go to Arby's then we'll go out to a different Arby's!
Mom I'm going to have to put you on speaker phone. I can't hear you over Nate singing Happy Birthday in the background.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY GIA!!!!!! I'VE CANCELLED MY CAVING EXPEDITION IN ATLANTIS TO SPEND THE WHOLE DAY WITH YOU! NATE CALLED AND GAVE US DIRECTIONS TO THE SECOND ARBY'S WE'LL SEE YOU THEN!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!
Wow. Everyone is really pumped.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!

 

by crabby
4-14-04
May 11th
Holy shit I'm hung over. I didn't know Arby's sold mixed drinks.
They do on your Birthday! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!
My birthday was yesterday.
Your birthday is a day which should be cherished, not just once a year but all year round. It is not just a day but an event.
What are you talking about?
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!

 

by crabby
4-14-04
July 18th
Nate, my water just broke we need to go to the hospital.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!
Ughhghghghhohohohoughhh
Thats great Gia. Now keep pushing just like we practiced at your Birthday classes. Happy Birthday!
So how does my baby boy look doctor?
Turns out it's not a boy at all, but rather a Birthday cake! Congratulations Gia it has your frosting!

 

by crabby
4-14-04
May 10th
What an awful dream. I dreamt everyday was my birthday. Actually it wasn't but people wouldn't stop celebrating it.
Then I gave birth to a cake. That was weird. God, that was such an anoying dream.
Hey babe, Happy Birthday.
Go fuck yourself.

 

by crabby
5-04-04
RAAAAAR! TOBOR COME TO CORNHOLE!!!!
Holy Powdered Hyena Semen! How'd you get in here?
TOBOR FIND KEY UNDER WELCOME MAT. HAVE YOU NOT HEARD OF TOBOR, THE RED ROBOT RUMP RAPIST?
I don't believe I have.
I can't believe this is happening again. My publicist assured me I was big in Omaha. Why do i continue to put myself through such torture?
Wait, did you say TOBOR? I thought you said Neal Rockney. I've never heard of Neal Rockney.

 

by crabby
5-13-04
Touring just isn't spurring my creative juices anymore. Sure everyone loved the Greatest Hits album, sure it had two new songs. But that was 2001. People crave more. I'm letting everyone down.
It's time to head back to the studio. We need to recreate some magic. We need to open the public's eyes.
I need to get Dempsey on the phone. Things need to patched up with Lol. We can work things out.

 

by crabby
5-13-04
It's been awhile Lol.
Too long man. Too long.
I want to reunite the original line up. We need to get back to buisness. Were recording a new album and I need you to be a part of it.
I'm in. You know I'm in. So buisness as usual then, back to our roots?
I was thinking of something as a departure from the norm. You know, shake it up a bit.
Ok, but if you wanna just jham at my place and cry all night, I kept that blanky you love so much.

 

by crabby
5-13-04
If it's not a problem I've asked Steve Perry to join us for this album.
I've never been a big Journey fan, but, if thats what you feel we need to do, I'm in.
He won't actually be joining us in studio.
Are we just going to be mixing tapes he sends in or what?
The entire album will be taped via telephone.
I don't understand.

 

by crabby
5-13-04
Lol this is Robert. I need you to just hum into the phone.
I haven't even picked up the receiver. Whats happening?
I'm Robert Smith.
Ok. humhumhumhumhumhumhumhumhumhumhumhumhumhumhum
Thats all I need. You're contribution is finished.

 

by crabby
5-13-04
Lol the album is finished!
I'm glad I had so much to do with it.
Your contribution was vital. You held it all together. You were my entire inspiration for this.
Well...
Steve Perry is dead.

 

by crabby
5-13-04
Lol are the rumors true. Is the original lineup of The Cure really in studio working on a new original album?
The album is completed right now and it involved all the original members. Robert also added Steve Perry but he passed away.
Other than the untimely passing of Steve Perry what stands out the most from your studio sessions?
Actually, we never met in the studio. It was all recorded via telephone.
In an interview with JET magazine Robert said the video has been completed. What can you tell us about the video?
I wasn't involved with it in anyway. I didn't know it was being filmed at all.

 

by crabby
5-13-04
Robert, I was doing an interview with Vibe magazine and they said you completed a video.
It was supposed to be a surprise. I'm very excited about it.
I haven't even heard the single.
It's great I used an old favorite as the blue print. I'm really happy with it.
Can I hear it?
The video will be on TRL tommorow. I want you to watch it.

 

by crabby
5-13-04
wassup yall anonymous VJ_Male here. I'm jus chillin up in tha spot wit my gurl anonymous VJ_Female. We jus chillin.
chillin chillin! Wassup people. Its the chill hour here an we jus chillin.
chillin chillin. The beats are bangin!
CAPRI SUN!
word yo. Straight street.
Cue card says New Cure Video. Yay.

 

by crabby
5-13-04
Standing in the clouds with a flower in hand. Staring at the birds staring at the a clam. Looking down the petal at the kitty on the ground. I see his little nose but I don't hear a sound.
I'm happy... I'm in love... I am the ice cream man... Serving the children.
This is awesome!

 

by crabby
5-13-04
Robert, I don't understand. The video....
Did I mention Steve Perry was dead.
You did. How'd he die anyway?
I shoved his guitar up his ass and after tearing open his stomach I played a power ballad until all that was left of him was hair
Why'd you do that?
He just wasn't happy enough.

 

by crabby
5-15-04
Sancho, are you wearing two different pairs of shoes?
I bought two new pairs of Converse All Stars and decided to wear one on each foot.
Thats fucked up man, you look retarded.
I think it's cool. Like "Look at me I just don't care!"
I think it looks more like "Look at me I'm fucking retarded!"
I would expect that from a sell out like you.

 

by crabby
5-15-04
Son, your mother told me about the shoe situation. Do you want to talk about it?
I'm just wearing two different shoes. It's no big deal really.
Son, are you gay? Cause' if you are I'm totally cool with that. All I want is for you to be happy son.
Dad! I'm not Gay!
But........ You're wearing two different shoes.
I'm going to the mall. I'll be home later.

 

by crabby
5-15-04
I just don't see what the big deal about the shoes is.
You with the shoes stop right there!
What did I do?
Alright faggot! Wheres the drugs?
I'm not gay and I don't do drugs.
But.....You're wearing two different pairs of shoes.

 

by crabby
5-15-04
Hopefully, I can find some people around here who understand me more. The mall is great for finding posers like myself.
Hey, I totally love the shoes!
Wow thanks! Everyone has been hassling me about them. But, you know, I'm just trying something new. I'm Sancho, whats your name?
I'm Steve.
I'm not gay!!!!!!!!!!!!!
But........You're wearing two different pairs of shoes.

 

by crabby
5-15-04
Sancho, what happened to your shoes?
I got tired of people hassling me, so I just stopped wearing two different pairs.
Who's the sell out now?
I need to move away. Far, Far away.

 

by crabby
5-20-04
At work.......
You know that's weird......bananas usually give me gas.
Well, what did you expect from a fruit salad.
At Target.........
Excuse me, do you have that new flavor of Hostess. I'm not sure what it's called but it has chocolate.
I only handle Electronics. I'm sorry.
At work yet again........
My wife didn't want me to buy it but I couldn't help myself.
If she didn't want you to buy it, she shouldn't have let you drive to Arizona.

 

by crabby
5-26-04
Satan, this has gone on long enough and I've had enough. You need to get a job, I can't keep working two jobs to support you.
I've been telling you I'm in-between projects right now. Once we get the band together again, everything will be alright.
FOR THE LAST TIME, YOU CANNOT REUNITE THE BEACHBOYS!
See, you see baby. The last woman who talked to me like that died a horrible horrible death.
I know, it was my sister. But, please, please, I'm begging you GET A JOB!
Ok, for you baby I'll try.

 

by crabby
5-26-04
So Satan, any luck in the job hunt?
I put my resume out there. I've gotten a few nibbles.
Did you resurrect the soul of John Steinbeck to write your resume again?
Of course, me and John go wayyyy back!
Hopefully, he didn't just write in alot of filler that has to do with migrant workers.
I could kill her right now.

 

by crabby
5-26-04
Under previous employer you listed self employed. What was it you did exactly?
Basically I collected the souls of sinners.
Right, right, ok. So what previous work experiences do you have that you think can help you, to help us?
I HAVE WALKED ACROSS FLAMING BRIDGES OF DEATH! I HAVE COMMANDED HORDES OF SINNERS TO WAGE WAR ON THE RIGHTEOUS!
Sounds like a free thinking leader to me.

 

by crabby
5-26-04
Well...I see no reason why you can't start right now.....
Wait,wait,wait,wait.....You offer an HMO but no PPO?
Well, our HMO is a very fine plan....
No PPO?
No sorry.
YOU SHALL PAY FOR OFFERING ME AN INFERIOR HEALTH PLAN!!

 

by crabby
5-26-04
So satan, did you get the job?
Actually I was forced to smote him.
Why?
They didn't offer a PPO i deserve better then that!
You're a god damn immortal. What do you need a PPO for?
It lets me know the company cares.

 

by crabby
5-26-04
So what makes you think you have what it takes to be a rodeo clown?
Look, man. I'm going to level with you. My old lady is forcing me to get a job. All I want if a quality health plan and a 401K.
We offer both of those. But have you ever gone eye-to-eye with a bull?
I've looked sinners in the eye and watched them pray to their lord for forgiveness. I've feasted on the souls of the damned. I fear no bull.
Ok. One last question, do you own your own make-up kit?
I worked in a cabaret briefly. I have all the make up I will need.

 

by crabby
5-26-04
HOLY SHIT THAT BULLS COMING RIGHT FOR ME!!!!!!!!
Well, looks like you're on. Go distract that bull so Hoss can run away.
ok.
You're mother was a whore. Her soul lingers on in the nether regions of my closet. I have not treated her well. If you leave Hoss alone I will release her soul.
Mommy?

 

by crabby
5-26-04
That was amazing. I've never seen anyone handle a bull like that! Whats your secret?
I hold the souls of the ones they love.
If you suck me off I can get you a buck fifty pay raise.
Oh my. I hoped that you wouldn't advance me as you have so many others. I am not some cabana boy to be pushed around.
Holy shit, I'm a pig!
Congratlations!

 

by crabby
5-26-04
How was your first day at work satan?
I quit. That damn rodeo clown offered me a pay raise for my oral services.
I remember when you used to call in drifters and suck them off in front of me while I massaged my clit. What ever happened to the good old days?
I GREW UP! Maybe you should too.
I just don't know you anymore. I feel like we've drifted apart. You need another job.
I already have another job all lined up.

 

by crabby
5-26-04
I need you to come to work with me tonight.
ok.
So whats your new job?
I bury sluts that I've had enough of.
Well, this job has no benefits. My boss is a real hard ass, but at least I get to do what I do best.

 

by crabby
5-28-04
Good day maddam, my name is Charles and I am here today to talk to you about the wonders of charcoal. Do you currently own any charcoal ma'am?
No, I can't say that I do.
HOW THE FUCK DO YOU EXPECT TO COOK! HOLY SHIT YOUR HUSBAND WILL DIVORCE YOU IF YOU CAN'T COOK!
People just don't appreciate charcoal as much as they should.

 

by crabby
5-28-04
Honey, bad news. It was another tough day at work. Didn't sell a single bag of charcoal. How was your day?
I bought a great gas grill on Ebay for eleven dollars.
Why? Why do you insist on breaking my heart? The public is naive about the wonders of charcoal now, but I will enlighten them!
Charcoal is a dying industry. Theres not a person alive who wants to grill with a fossil fuel.
Charcoal is made from trees.
Now who's being naive?

 

by crabby
6-30-04
What are you thinking about?
I remember I once made love to an immigrant worker during the depression. John Steinbeck wrote a book about it.
Thats amazing! Steinbeck wrote a book about my mother having an affair with an immigrant worker during the depression!
Do you think maybe I'm your mother?
No, I just think Steinbeck wasn't very creative.

 

by crabby
6-30-04
Do you plan to thrash me with that whip?
I do! In fact while you were uttering those words I hit you 47 times.
Did you ever think that maybe I am also carrying a whip?
I just hit you another 53 times.
Holy shit! Internal bleeding.
Thats another 73.

 

by crabby
8-06-04
The worst thing about these is they're completely worthless once you finish them. I guess "ll just go inside and wait for him to melt.
What a kick ass guy! Someone did a great job building him.
This carot cock is extremely realistic. Damn, he must be jewish.

 

by crabby
8-18-04
PAST
Hey Jes, wanna do some homework for me?
Sure! I fucking hate my job.
PRESENT
Hey Jes, wanna do some homework for me?
I can't, gotta work. This new job is much better then the old one.
FUTURE
Hey Jes, wanna do some homework for me?
Sure! I fucking hate my job.

 

by crabby
8-24-04
So, this is the grand Canyon......Does it do anything?
I don't think it does. I think it's just a giant hole.
Wheres the button to have the giant cock come down and fuck this jagged rock pussy?
DUDE!!!!!!!!!

 

by crabby
8-25-04
So, this is Niagra Falls......Does it do anything?
I don't think it does. I think it's just a giant waterfall.
This is like the world's biggest wettest pussy!
DUDE!!!!!!!!!

 

by crabby
8-26-04
So, this is Mount Rushmore......Does it do anything?
I don't think it does. I think it's just giant rock heads.
This would kick alot more ass if it showed their giant rock cocks!
DUDE!!!!!!!!!

 

by crabby
9-21-04
Ok class, today we will be discussing the history of pirates!
The history of piracy dates back more than 3000 years, but its accurate account depends on the actual meaning of the word ‘pirate’. In English, the word piracy has many different meanings.
The Greek historian Plutarch, writing in about 100 A.D., gave the oldest clear definition of piracy. He described pirates as those who attack without legal authority not only ships, but also cities.
The meaning of the word pirate most closely tied to the contemporary was established in the XVIII century AD. This definition dubbed pirates "outlaws" whom even persons who were not soldiers couldkill
Sometimes governments gave rights to the pirates to represent them in their wars. The most popular form was to give a license to a private sailor to attack enemy shipping on behalf of a specific king.
Sometimes governments gave rights to the pirates to represent them in their wars. The most popular form was to give a license to a private sailor to attack enemy shipping on behalf of a specific king

 

by crabby
9-21-04
Some famous Pirates include; Francis Drake, Edward Teach, and Thomas Tew.
Now does anyone in the class have any questions? Yes, you in the back!
Yarrr! Where be ye doubloons?

Showing page 15.

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