All comics by evil_d

Profile

 

by evil_d
7-25-14
Boy, you know, I thought having total strangers follow me around and film my intimate moments and half-assed bar fights would be really fulfilling, but it turns out it's not.
Let's cancel this reality show, guys. I don't need the money badly enough to sacrifice my dignity.

 

by evil_d
7-31-14
Today's game continues a big rivalry between you and the home team, Jesse. Rumor is you've devised a new play for the occasion.
That's right. See, we hike the ball to the quarterback, then he deflates it and eats it. Then he walks to the end zone and craps it out.
Then we leave the stadium, find a phone book, look up all the home team's grandmas, go to their houses, and crap on them.
Uh... and what do you call this new play?
The Aristocrats!

 

Your gallbladder is divided into three parts.
by evil_d, 9-04-14

 

by evil_d
9-10-14
_________________________________________________________________________________
Ah, now there's a mighty fine-looking castle.
What—? Where'd it go?
Goddamn castle rustlers!

 

by evil_d
9-12-14
In the dystopian near future, motorcycle gangs roam the highways, while the police can't even afford to hire janitors.
If only people didn't spend all of their money on car customization, eh? Well, I'm off to act ridiculous for an hour so you'll know how scary I am.
Those thugs killed my partner and I'm... upset! There's only one thing to do now: quit and go on vacation with my family.
Let's visit scenic Dangerousville and split up a lot!
Those thugs killed my family and I'm... bothered! There's only one thing to do now: sink to their level.
I like that moral, but not as much as I liked my right foot.

 

by evil_d
9-29-14
Hey, barkeep. Give me an Irish Car Bomb.
Sorry, but this is the UK and that's really offensive. I can make you a "Twin Towers", though.
What's that?
I fill two tall shot glasses with liquor, then set them on fire and knock them over.
That's stupid. I wouldn't pay for that.
Well, you could always make Iraq pay for it.

 

by evil_d
10-15-14
Go get the rocket launcher; it's right around that corner. There's nobody there.
>KABOOM!!< You are dead.
WHAT?? That guy was not there before! He's hacking the game! Dude, tell him his mom's a whore. I checked her file and she totally is.
yor mom = whore
Jim, you're the worst guardian angel ever. Clean out your desk.
Your mom's a whore!

 

by evil_d
10-16-14
My son is five years old now, and let you tell you, I'm having some real trouble with his PENIS.
I'm sorry, his...?
PENIS! Stands for Pre-Education Necessary Information Survey. I have to fill it out before he can start kindergarten.
That's terrible.
You're telling me! And if you think my son's PENIS is hard, you should have seen my daughter's!

 

You're stupid, and you should go to hell.
by evil_d, 10-28-14

 

by evil_d
10-30-14
You overcharged me, you stupid Indian! Go back to the Bering Strait!
I'm not that kind of Indian, sir.
Fine, then go back to Tenochtitlan!
I'm the kind of Indian who actually comes from India.
You don't have to make up a country called "India"! We Americans aren't as ignorant as you think!
I'm duly impressed by your educated racism, sir.

 

by evil_d
11-07-14
So, what do you do for a living?
I'm an accountant.
What's going on?
I guess the power went out.
Oh, it's back. Hey, what happened to my carrot?
Welp, gotta go.

 

by evil_d
11-07-14
So, what do you do for a living?
I'm a psychiatrist.
What's going on?
I guess the power went out.
Oh, it's back. Hey, what happened to my hammer and nails?
Welp, gotta go.

 

by evil_d
11-07-14
So, what do you do for a living?
I'm a French teacher.
What's going on?
I guess the power went out.
Oh, it's back. Hey, what happened to my ray gun?
Eh bien, je dois y aller.

 

by evil_d
11-07-14
So, what do you do for a living?
I'm a graphic designer.
What's going on?
I guess the power went out.
Oh, it's back. Hey, what happened to my haggis on rye?
Gotta g—wait, your what?

 

by evil_d
11-07-14
According to my readings, your profession is...
Race car driver!
What's going on?
I guess the power went out.
Oh, it's back. Hey, what happened to my tricorder?
Welp, gotta go.

 

by evil_d
11-07-14
So, what do you do for a living?
I'm a chef at a 5-star restaurant.
What's going on?
I guess the power went out.
Oh, it's back. Hey, what happened to my spacesuit?
Welp, gotta go.

 

by evil_d
11-07-14
What was it you said you do for a living?
Birthday clown.
What's going on now?
I guess the power went out again.
Oh, it's back. Hey, what happened to my skin?
Welp, gotta go.

 

by evil_d
11-07-14
So, what do you do for a living?
Oh, I'm an astronaut.
What's going on?
I guess the power went out.
Oh, it's back. Hey, what happened to my banana?
Welp, gotta split.

 

by evil_d
11-07-14
So, what do you do for a living?
I'm a youth pastor.
What's going on?
I guess the power went out.
Oh, it's back. Hey, what happened to my erotic paraphernalia?
Welp, gotta go.

 

by evil_d
11-07-14
So, what do you do for a living?
I'm a Latin dance instructor.
What's going on?
I guess the power went out.
Oh, it's back. Hey, what happened to my armor?
Welp, gotta go.

 

by evil_d
11-07-14
So, what do you do for a living?
Professional taxidermist.
What's going on?
I guess the power went out.
Oh, it's back. Hey, what happened to my camouflage? And wasn't I black?
Welp, gotta go.

 

by evil_d
11-07-14
So, what do you do for a living?
I give guided tours of Justin Bieber's boyhood home.
What's going on?
I guess the power went out.
Oh, it's back. Hey, what happened to my squirrel?
Welp, gotta go.

 

by evil_d
11-07-14
So, what do you do for a living?
I sell bootleg movies in Times Square.
What's going on?
I guess the power went out.
Oh, it's back. Hey, what happened to my wheelchair and inability to stand?
Welp, gotta go.

 

by evil_d
11-07-14
So, what do you do for a living?
I'm a barber.
What's going on?
I guess the power went out.
Oh, it's back. Hey, what happened to my confederate allegiance?
Welp, gotta go.

 

by evil_d
11-07-14
So, what do you do for a living?
I'm a fighter pilot.
What's going on?
I guess the power went out.
Oh, it's back. Hey, what happened to my innocence?
Welp, gotta go.

 

by evil_d
11-07-14
So, what do you do for a living?
It's me, Abe. I'm your agent.
What's going on?
I guess the power went out.
Oh, it's back. Hey, what happened to my disguise?
Welp, gotta go.

 

by evil_d
11-07-14
So, what do you do for a living?
I'm a commercial fisherman.
What's going on?
I guess the power went out.
Oh, it's back. Hey, what happened to my childhood?
Welp, gotta go.

 

by evil_d
11-07-14
So, what do you do for a living?
I run a mail-order cupcake business.
What's going on?
I guess the power went out.
Oh, it's back. Hey, what happened to my thoughts?
Welp, gotta go.

 

by evil_d
11-07-14
So, what do you do for a living?
I'm the governor of North Dakota.
What's going on?
I guess the power went out.
Oh, it's back. Hey, what happened to my good looks?
Welp, gotta go.

 

by evil_d
12-03-14
Of all the Hooters, in all the towns, in all the world, she walks into mine.
Play it, Sam. Play "The Humpty Dance".
But what about us?
We'll always have the back of my Volkswagen.

 

by evil_d
12-03-14
Mr. Darcy, your lack of interest in conversation or dancing makes you the rudest person I've ever met! I hate you!
I hate you too, Miss Bennet. No, wait, I changed my mind. I like you because, in your convoluted circumlocution, you occasionally express your actual opinion.
Terrible news, Miss Elizabeth/Eliza/Lizzy! Your sister Lydia has disappeared with a young man! I'm not worried that she's hurt but I am worried that they might be having premarital sex!
That's awful, Mr. Dad! Let's hope we can pay him enough money to marry her, since certainly nobody would do it for any other reason.
Good news, Mr. Dad! Mr. Darcy has solved Lydia's problems by throwing money at them, and now he's going to solve my problems by marrying me!
Well, that sounds right and proper all around. Does he have any brothers? Because I still have some unmarried daughters....

 
by evil_d, 12-09-14

 

Cyclops never forgave the Scarlet Witch for the way she altered his mutant power.
by evil_d, 1-21-15

 

by evil_d
1-27-15
In honor of Black History Month, let's take a look back at what it's meant to "be black" at various times throughout history.
43,516,004 BCE
2009

 

by evil_d
2-03-15

 

by evil_d
3-02-15
Good to see you again, Gabe! What have you been up to these past few years?
Sodomizing llamas. And you?
The same! Hey, you ever think of sodomizing something else, like, I don't know, a donkey?
Don't be ridiculous! I've never sodomized a donkey and I never will.
Best 50 bucks I've ever spent. Thanks, man.
You said you'd give me your sister's number too.

 

by evil_d
3-09-15
Here I am, the first human to walk on Mars. That's one small step for... H.G. Wells?! What are you doing here?
The Martians were so impressed by my flattering portrayal of their civilization, they invited me to live here as an honored guest!
Okay... but... you've got to be almost 200 years old by now! How are you still alive?
The wonders of Martian medicine, my boy!
Does that mean anal probes?
So many anal probes.

 

by evil_d
3-16-15
Now, once you're on Mars you'll need to establish an interim government until you can elect your own governor, congresspeople, and so forth. Under the Constitution—
Yeah, you may want to call Betsy Ross back and tell her not to sew that 51st star just yet.
What do you mean? This is a NASA mission, and obviously you're going to need—
Surely the US knows better than anyone the folly of trying to govern a colony in a remote location. I figure we'll skip the revolution and just govern ourselves from the start.
Well if that's the way you feel then you're off the mission. The position of captain will fall to your second-in-command. Mister... Hancock?
John Hancock the Tenth, sir. Where do I sign?

 

by evil_d
4-24-15
Vote for me for Candy Shop Customer!
Ho ho! You're adorable.
But you don't need to be elected to be a candy shop customer. As long as you have money, you can go right in and buy what you want.
I found out today that you're a fucking liar.

 

by evil_d
5-06-15
Starting to think those drugs they give us aren't in our best interests.
I know what you mean. My elbow doesn't "bend" anymore so much as "undulates".
I can calculate the square root of pi but I forget how many four is.
Marty's hair fell out, except for a patch on his back that looks like Britney Spears' crotch.
Taught us how to talk, though.
There is that.

 

I'm sorry; I thought you were calling for Stuporman.
by evil_d, 5-11-15

 

by evil_d
6-05-15
BOO!!
AAAAAAAAA!!!

 

by evil_d
6-09-15
My granddad called me a
"cock-gargling queer"
and I never knew he had such
great ideas.

 

by evil_d
6-09-15
Whenever you deal with difficult people
         you get this look                                       that says
"your obituary is going to be very specific"

 

by evil_d
6-10-15
Let's quit our jobs
and buy that house by the sea
and turn it into a sex dungeon!

 

by evil_d
6-12-15
...served my time and they still won't let me have a license! Anyway that's bollocks, I need to drive, as long as I don't—
You just ran somebody over.
Was it a blind man who couldn't possibly identify me?
I think it was Jeremy Clarkson.
Shame, that. Seemed like a proper gent. Would've liked to have a pint with him.
If it's a pint of blood, there's still time.

 

by evil_d
6-16-15
Even after you die
I'll still love you.
Physically.

 

by evil_d
6-17-15
I dreamt I was devouring a dozen giant marshmallows
and they were fighting back, flailing at me with their puffy arms and legs
and all of a sudden it wasn't a dream and they weren't marshmallows

 

by evil_d
6-17-15
"You can't go home again," I told her,
but maybe I should have mentioned the booby traps specifically.

 

by evil_d
6-19-15
So, American Pharoah, what was it like to win the Triple Crown?
Well gosh, let me think... I suppose...
ANSWER THE QUESTION! ANSWER IT FASTER!! ANSWER IT OR I'LL WHIP YOU!!!
AaaaaaaaaaaaaaIt wasexcitingitssuchan honortobeinthe companyofhorseslike SecretariatandWar AdmiralIhopeIcanbe aninspirationtoyoung foalseverywhereIdlike tothankJesusfor givingmethestrength

Showing page 15.

« Previous Next »