All comics by Speez

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by Speez
2-01-05
Speez, don't you think Ace is alittle to obessed with his car.
I don't know what you are talking about CP.
CP: Ever hear him talk to his car as he pumps it full of gas?
Oh yeah baby, you like it when I came from behind like that. Oh, I am about to top you off honey.
And you don't think that is weird?
Well, he did name the car "Betty" and bought a shirt that read "Betty and Ace 4ever"

 

by Speez
2-01-05
Oh Betty, I got that headlight fluid you need. Betty?
Betty?
SOMEONE STOLE BETTY! EVERYONE DIES NOW!

 

by Speez
2-03-05
I wonder if I should have a Peanut butter and jelly or...
YOU DIE NOW!!!!
NOOOOOOO!!!!
Is that what I think it is?
Yes, TAS's head has been shoved up his ass.

 

by Speez
2-03-05
Ace...I know what happen to your car...
You know what happen to Betty? How do you know this!
Uhh...because I was the one who took it...I used it to impress Misty...
Why I should take your head and shove it up TAS's a...
Well, if it means anything, Misty loved the car.
She better, Betty was pimped out for the liking of the ladies.

 

by Speez
3-27-05
i like to eat indian food.
how would u like to eat out an indian?
sure
and so the two went and went to 3rd base immediately. Then they went home. To home base that is ...

 

by Speez
4-01-05
I interupt this comic to bring you an important announcement.
The UBCS Comic has ended. It's been a fun three or four years, but it's time to move on.
Please stay tuned today for my next comic series, "Dick Dick". And thank you all for reading.

 

by Speez
4-01-05
The city filled with smells of urine and feces, or maybe that was me. I just kept walking.
This handsome young buck walking is me, Richard Wright. I keep a loaded pistol on me at all time, and a bottle of vodka to keep me loaded. I am a Private Eye.
I have solved many cases in this town that have earned me the nickname "Dick Dick".

 

by Speez
4-01-05
A dame came into my office with a case. And boy, was my case hard for her.
What's with the box doll face.
Doll what? Anyways, my great grandfather recently passed away and left me this box in his will. I need you to figure out what to open it.
This new assignment wasn't too exciting, but taking a look at my wallet showed that I needed to take it. The smoke from my cigar filled the room with a smokey auroa.
I sat there and undress the doll with my eyes. I figured she was about a B cup, but Dick Dick likes them double D. And let's throw Carmen Elektra covered in hot fudge in this fantasy also.
Umm, why are you just sitting there?

 

by Speez
4-01-05
I shifted the box in my palm. It was a normal size box, but you don't what any women to have a big box.
Do you clean your box daily?
Why, does it smell like cheese?
Oh boy, did it smell like some dying cheese, or maybe a camel's spittle. Either way, I didn't want to make the dame mad.
Your box seems to be alittle hair.
Sorry, I haven't had a chance to shave my box in awhile Dick Dick.
There is nothing that turns a man off more than a hairy box. Then the answer hit me of how to open the box and get myself inside of it.
Hey sweet cheeks, how bout a drink?
Sure, what harm can a drink do?

 

by Speez
6-09-05
*cough*
Umm, so what are we suppose to be doing?
I dunno, I never got the script. Let me just beat you senseless, I am sure that is what the script was about.

 

by Speez
6-09-05
Speez, come out and tell us what to do for your comic! We been standing around for the last few months!
Umm, keep doing that. It's all a part of my genius plan
You have locked yourself in your room since Christmas! What have you been doing?
Umm, ending world hunger. Go away.
Seriously, you haven't come out to go to the bathroom.
Oh yeah, there is a pile of clothes in the corner that REALLY needs to go through the washer.

 

by Speez
6-09-05
You have been playing the computer game World of Warcraft since Xmas instead of making comics?
But you don't understand. My rogue just hit level sixty, and I can tear those alliance scum a new one. I just stealth in from behind and "do it from behind".
And I have been doing the raid instances. I got a purple rogue belt. PURPLE ROGUE BELT! Gives me plus 20 agility and and plus 7 fire resistance!
And this didn't sound as geeky in my head as it does now!

 

by Speez
6-09-05
Speez, I think you are addicted to World of Warcraft.
I am not addicted! I just been trying to get this guy shanker for the last few months.
But the Shanker is located deep within blackrock mountains, and I don't have the key to the instance. But I need his Shanker! I want his Shanker!
Ok, maybe you're right. You aren't addicted to World of Warcraft. You're just full blown gay.
I even dream about the barman shanker! It gives me a warm sensation between my thighs!

 

by Speez
6-09-05
Speez playing World of Warcraft
Alright, I have drunk 28 mountain dews in the last three minutes. I am ready for an all night farming session for the shanker!
That's right Plugger, you son of a bitch. I have finally gotten a key to get to you and your 7% chance drop of your shanker will be mine! Mine! HAHAHAHAHA! SHANKER!
Outside Speez's room....
You are gonna shot him with elephant tranqs?
I wanted hump back whale kind, but the store was fresh out.

 

by Speez
6-09-05
Moments after Ace shots Speez with the tranqs
Wow, he went down like a sack of bricks. I didn't think the shot would have any effect through all the caffine.
Huh, what?
Damn man! It is not cool to shot your friends from behind when they are farming for the barman shanker. Not cool!
The power of World of Warcraft is too strong in this one!
Hehe, you shooting me with a tranq reminds me on how you have to shot the one boss in World of Warcraft with a tranq to make him not so uber.

 

by Speez
6-09-05
Ace tries to reason with Speez as he plays WoW
Dude, GD will totally have sex with you right now if you pull away from World of Warcraft.
Really? Sex you say?
She will mount you in your computer chair and drop it like it's hot, and other such stuff. You just have to exit World of Warcraft.
No can do. I got another rogue to help me farm for the barman shanker. Plugger shanker will be mine.
Dude, GD's asian friend, the one nickname "Slick fingers" will join in also.
Really? Darn, tell them I will have to catch up with them later. I ain't leaving this computer until I rub Plugger's shanker all over my body.

 

by Speez
6-09-05
Eight days since I started my quest to get the shanker. So far, no luck. To keep my brain from exploding from boredom, I make up commerical jingles.
Mountain dew: It's the dew....from the mountain!
Day 12: Still no shanker. My ass seems to become one with my chair. I think I forgot the ability to be toliet train.
On noes! I am peeing freely again! Aim away from the Warcraft, it scares away the shanker!
Day 42: I strange thought hits me. Why don't monkeys grow beards?
Why don't they?

 

by Speez
6-09-05
*Barman Shanker Dropped By Plugger*
OMGWTFPWNDBBQ! The Shanker has drop! Pick it up my troll rogue friends and taste sweet victory.
*Inventory Full. Barman Shanker Destroyed*
Eep
So, he smashed his head through his compouter monitor?
Yep, and a piece impaled his brain. Doctor's said he will be fine in a day or two though.

 

by Speez
6-09-05
So, you don't remember anything for the last six months before your brain being impaled by your PC monitor?
All I remember is a craving for someone's shanker.
Oh, that. Well, I thought I overheard you saying you craved Ian's shanker a few days ago.
Yeah, Ian's shanker. That makes sense.
I crave your shanker.
Oh! I love it when people talk dirty to me!

 

by Speez
6-10-05
Woo! It's summer movie season! This year is going to be great! War of the Worlds, Fantastic Four, Longest Yard, Star Wars Eppy 3! I am going to go to the movies now.
Welcome to Movie World.
One adult for Star Wars, a large extra butter popcorn, a large Pepsi and some Nachos!
That comes to 4,954 dollars and 82 cents. Would you like to morgage your home?
!!!!

 

by Speez
7-24-05
Hey, what is this you are writing up?
No! Give it back Ace!
An application to be a male model? W...T...F dude!
It's always been my dream to be a male model.
You know I have to beat you up for this.
Yeah, I know.

 

by Speez
7-24-05
What makes you think they would accept a dork like you for a male model?
Haven't you heard! Dorks are in in the male fashion world!
And you know what else is in....you butt. A large blunt object I will shove up there.
That wasn't a very good pun.
Ok, you got me there, but at the end of the day, I ain't getting stuff shove up my butt.
Good point.

 

by Speez
7-24-05
At the major company "Male Models R Us"....
Hmm, this Dork trend is dead. We need a new trend!
I know! The bullies who beat up on the dorks! But I need to find the perfect model to launch this trend!
At UBCS...
Man, they don't make good lube for shoving objects up people's butt. I guess we will go with no lube.
No! Use the inferior lube! Use the inferior lube!

 

by Speez
7-24-05
Excuse me, can you help me find...
OMG! You are C. U. Pe, the owner of "Male Models R Us". Yes, you must be coming to get TAS, your next dork model! My dream is coming true.
Oh, you are Mr. TAS. Dorks are crap in the fashion world, just like you. I am here looking for Ace. He's going to launch my next fashion trend.
What! Ace! No! *bzzrt*
Umm, you ok? Is that blood coming out of your ear?
I think my brain exploded.

 

by Speez
7-26-05
I can't believe Ace got my dream job! What did I ever do to deserve this! That's it, I will kill myself! That will show everyone!
Wait, no, sucide is not the answer.
I think everyone will be happier if I died. *sigh*

 

by Speez
7-26-05
Hey kid, there you are! I have been searching all over for you! You still want to model?
Huh? What are you talking about Mr. C. U. Pe?
We thought the shots would work better if Ace had someone modeling with him, and he asked you by name.
What? Ace reccomended me to model with him? Maybe Ace does care about my feelings!
Earlier that day.
So you think this desert island shot would work better if you had someone to beat silly with coconuts?
And I have just the man for the job.

 

by Speez
7-26-05
Oh my god! I am so giddy! I am finally going to live my dream! Thank you Ace! This is going to be a nuts!
Hehe, you don't know the half of it.
I can't believe you actually helped me with something! I am going to mark this date down.
Voice off camera: Alright Ace, get your nuts ready!
Wait! Huh? What are you getting ready? Umm, what kind of modeling is this you sick freak?
Ohh, a coconut is going to be lodged up for left ear for that one.

 

by Speez
7-26-05
I can't believe Ace got paid eight million dollars to beat me silly with coconuts for three hours! Man, can this get any worse.
Hey TAS, you got a letter from home.
Alright! A letter from home to cheer me up!
"Dear son, the cat died."

 

by Speez
7-26-05
A few weeks later....
I heard you retired from the world of male modeling. So, how was it?
I mad fifty million dollars, but I spent it all.
You spent it all? On what? Sex? Drugs? Rock and roll? Please tell me it was sex...
Nah, I used the money to make my very own product.
What do you mean? Tell me, I need to know!
It's a surprise.

 

by Speez
7-26-05
Oh look, it's Mister Model man! I heard you retired a millionare! What are you going to do with you rmillions of dollars I always dreamed I would have.
I made this.
What is this? The "TAS Butt Lube"?
Yep, I used the money to make a fanastic lube to put on objects so they easily and painlessly slide up your ass.
Wow, you were thining about me! Thanks Ace! Umm, I think...
Let's test it out on a ferret. Two, actually.

 

by Speez
7-26-05
So, this been a crazy month, huh?
I know, I go for being a local bully, to being the most handsome and richest bully on earth, and now I am the president of the "TAS Butt Lube" company.
What do you think the next fashion fad will be?
I dunno, it could be anything.
Elsewhere....
That's it! Work it for the camear! Gay is now the new straight!
Woo! I love this! Happy dance! Happy Dance!

 

by Speez
8-01-05
Oh man, that was a great raid at Molten Core last night on World of Warcraft.
Ha! There is the man who pays a monthly fee for a game like a fool!
Umm, excuse me?
I am smart and I just bought Guild Wars, an MMORPG that doesn't have a monthly fee! I am better than you!
Have fun with your "Fisher Price: My First MMORPG". I am going back to a man's game.
You are just bitter cause I am smarter than you!

 

by Speez
8-01-05
How can you justify paying a monthly fee for World of Warcraft while Guild Wars is basically the same thing, but it has no monthly fees?
You ever read the small print on the box of Guild Wars?
What? What small print?
Look, right there.
"The makers of Guild Wars can't be held responsable if our game sucks more than World of Warcraft, that's cause you don't pay a montly fee you cheap ass."
And the great thing is, on the WoW box it reads "Guild War is for pussies." That's amazing, cause WoW came out six months before Guild Wars.

 

by Speez
8-01-05
I will prove to Speez that Guild Wars is better than World of Warcraft! Ok, let's install this bad boy!
Durring the duration of the installation of this game, the computer will repeataly kick you in the nuts for even putting the CD of this crappy game in my disc tray.
Hmm, I value my bean bag, but I really want to prove Speez wrong. I'll click continue.
Later
So, the computer kicked you in the nuts a total of 435 times. Wow, that's amazing conisdering a computer doesn't have any feet to kick with.
Then when it was 99% done, the computer gave me the blue screen of death. I think it just wants to kick my in the bean bag more.

 

by Speez
8-02-05
Ok, finally got Guild Wars running. Let's boot this WoW killer up.
Welcome to Guild Wars! You don't pay a monthly fee, but get an inferior game!
Umm, that isn't a catchy slogan. Hey, there is a quest giver. Let's take a quest.
Hey thee lad! I have a quest for thy. Get me out of this crappy world and take me to World of Warcraft aye.
Wow, he talked like a cross between old English, a canadian and a pirate.
Aye.

 

by Speez
8-02-05
And the moment you been waiting for on this tour of UBCS. The most scariest thing ever! A man who picked Guild Wars over World of Warcraft!
Monster! Does he not know Guild Wars sucks so much it radiates suckyness! Why would he do such a thing!
Cause he is too cheap to pay a monthly fee.
Cheapskate! That 15 bucks buys you video game heaven for a month.
I know. Want to go and raid Upper Blackrock Spire in WoW?
Sure, I need my dreadmist chest. Lets get out of here before the suck sticks to us.

 

by Speez
8-30-05
Ok, fine, I give up. World of Warcraft is better than Guild Wars. Here is the WoW disc, load it up.
*bzzt beep* Error, your computer has been infected with "teh suck".
Wait, what? What is "teh suck"? Is it a virus?
Your computer has been infected with the suckage of Guild Wars, and WoW refuses to load up.
But, but, I deleted Guild Wars! Let me load it!
Nope, sorry, this computer has been flagged for "teh suck", destorying WoW disc and emptying your bank account now.

 

by Speez
8-30-05
Oh man Ace, I have a problem.
I don't care, but you are going to tell me anyways.
I have no money to pay for the World of Warcraft montly fee, but I need my WoW.
Looks like you are going to have to buckle down and get a job.
A "jurb"? What is that, an exotic fruit dish?
Oh man, I am going to enjoy watching this dim bulb light up.

 

by Speez
8-30-05
Tell me more about this "jurb".
You know, a freaking job. You go work at a company, and they pay your money.
Ohhh, a "JURB". I know what you are talking about now.
Cool, now go get one.
Point me in the direction of where I can acquire an application to play WoW and get pay for it.
I think I can physically see his IQ dropping.

 

by Speez
8-30-05
At a local store
I want jurb! Give me money now!
Umm, what?
Give me money now, you don't want to see me when I am angry! MONEY MONEY MONEY!
O-M-G, you are robbing me!
Wait, so he went into a store to ask for an application, and he ends up in jail.
I am telling you, WoW has made his as dumb as toenail.

 

by Speez
9-13-06
Hello?
Where is everyone?
I'm all alone.

 

by Speez
9-13-06
Dude, I haven't seen anyone in like, two months.
Am I like the only person still here? What will I do in a world when I am the last person on Earth.
Oh man, I now declare this THE NO PANTS ZONE!

 

by Speez
9-13-06
That's right chess board, WELCOME TO THE NO PANTS ZONE!
In this zone, all people love my sexyness times ten! Ohh, I see the black queen in checking me out.
Seriously, what the f*** are you doing you retard.
Oh man, sexyness levels dropping. Dropping. Gone forever to join my ego and manliness in the land of stuff TAS doesn't have.

Showing page 16.

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