All comics by choadwarrior

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by choadwarrior
9-08-04
Can you drive to lunch? My car is a mess.
Why is it a mess?
Because I have kids.
Are they in the car now?
Of course not, why?
Because when I was a kid, the only time my parents' car was dirty was when I was in it.

 

by choadwarrior
9-08-04
San Diego State University Diet--Drink all you want, only eat at happy hour. Throw up a lot.
Eat in London for $3.00 a day.
I can't afford 3p for ketchup--can't you just give it to me?
Work around people with no self-control.
When we go to Sammy's for your birthday next week, we'll have to get two messy sundaes. One just isn't enough.
Can I have a bite from one of yours?

 

by choadwarrior
9-08-04
Sorry, he's actually out of the office right now. You'll have to come back.
I wonder who she's talking to.
A salesman came in to see you--I blew him off.
I was actually in my office.
I know. I was actually lying.

 

by choadwarrior
9-08-04
Whoooooooooooooooooooooooooo!
LOOK UP AT THE JUMBOTRON...YOUR BOYFRIEND HAS A QUESTION TO ASK YOU!
OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD!
Whoooooooooooooooooooooooooo!
Sheila, will you marry me?
Whoooooooooooooooooooooooooo!
What do you think about that?
I think that's way too much ugly to be cheering for.

 

by choadwarrior
9-10-04
I'd like to exercise more, but health club dues are so expensive.
Sit-ups are free.
Sit-ups hurt my back.
Do what I do--ride your bike.
I sold it in a garage sale.
How about speed waddling?

 

by choadwarrior
9-11-04
I think more people died on my birthday than yours.
No, only 2,348 people died at Pearl Harbor.
How many people died on 9-11?
3,028
I guess you're right.
Take THAT, old man! Your birthday will never be as tragic as mine!

 

by choadwarrior
9-12-04
I like this park.
Do you always come here for lunch?
You can say that.
One time, I picked up a hooker on my birthday and got a blowjob here in my company car.

 

by choadwarrior
9-14-04
Are you wearing a t-shirt under your shirt?
Yes.
Isn't it hot with all those layers on at this time of year?
Yes.
Then why do you wear it?
It's either that, or subject the office to pit stains and the faint outline of my nipples.

 

by choadwarrior
9-14-04
I heard you had a birthday last week.
Yup. I'm feeling kinda old.
You still have a lot to look forward to.
Ear hair, bad knees, living on a fixed income...
Then breaking my hip while rushing to make one of my frequent trips to the bathroom.

 

by choadwarrior
9-16-04
What did you think of my proposal?
I didn't read past the cover page.
Why not?
You said you were detail-oriented and your firm had the highest quality in the industry.
So?
You spelled it "qaulity."

 

by choadwarrior
9-19-04
Fans of "The O.C." might have the mistaken impression that Orange County is a glamorous place, filled with sophisticated people with refined taste.
The Orange County Register's 2004 "Best of Orange County" readers' poll is out. What are the natives' favorite places to go eat at in this exotic Southern California locale?
Best Mexican: El Torito (also won for Best Brunch). Best breakfast: IHOP. Seafood: Red Fucking Lobster. Theme restaurant: Rainforest Cafe.
Rainforest Cafe is "eatertainment."
Best pizza: Pizza Hut. Italian: OLIVE GARDEN?! Coffeehouse: Starbucks, of course. Steakhouse: The people who can afford Morton's voted for Outback.
All those Bloomin' Onions turned them into bloomin' idiots.

 

by choadwarrior
9-19-04
A few years ago, my mother-in-law was staying with us to help take care of my wife.
One morning, I was in the family room reading Diary of Anaïs Nin when she came downstairs in her bathrobe.
She asked for some help in the kitchen, and I just had to say, "Sorry, Patty, but I have an erection."

 

by choadwarrior
9-19-04
Can I help you?
Yes, my friends used to live here--they just moved to Northern California.
So?
Do you have any kids my age I can play with?

 

by choadwarrior
9-19-04
Hey, are these your Vanilla Cokes?
Yeah.
Can I have one?
You can have them all. My parents gave me a case of it because they didn't like it, so I brought it in.
You don't like it either?
It smells like the interior of every Hyundai I ever repossessed.

 

by choadwarrior
9-19-04
I had to shit at school today. The handicapped stall in the Business building has a curtain instead of a door, and it's not wide enough to cover the opening.
Oh.
Yeah, so I'm standing there, wiping my ass, and some guy was peeking through looking at my dick hanging there.
You stand while wiping your ass?
Doesn't everyone?

 

by choadwarrior
9-21-04
It looks like they finally solved the insect problem in here.
I think they finally sprayed some pesticide.
Hopefully that will take care of it this time.
Psst...do you mind if I hide out in your office for a while?

 

by choadwarrior
9-21-04
Before my hair turned grey, it was bright red.
All natural too...even...you know...down there.
What do they call it now? Fire crotch?

 

by choadwarrior
9-23-04
You know what I like about working with you?
Every time I ask you a question, you always have the answer.
You know what I hate about working with you?
You're always asking me the same question over and over again.

 

by choadwarrior
9-27-04
We had an interesting presentation at my church you would have liked.
Oh?
Click click pop, click pop click pop click click pop.
Really?
Click click click pop pop click pop!
I was probably busy anyway.

 

by choadwarrior
9-27-04
You always dress so nicely.
Thanks.
Where do you shop? I want to dress my husband like you.
The labels I buy don't make clothes in his size.
That's dumb--they're missing out on all those sales.
No, they charge twice as much because people look good in their clothes.

 

by choadwarrior
9-29-04
If you have to go potty, raise one finger for "number one" and two fingers for "number two." Any questions?
This is a few years off, but how many fingers do I raise when my period is starting?
I would think all you need to know is that we have to go to the restroom. What kind of sick person cares whether we have to poop or pee?
¿Cómo se dice, "uno?" ¡Ay! ¡Ay! ¡Ay! ¡UNO ¡UNO ¡UNO!

 

by choadwarrior
10-01-04
Wow, these Trekkies are such nerds--how can anyone be so obsessed with a TV show?
This Brazilian fan has filled his house with Star Trek action figures...
Wait a minute--those aren't Star Trek action figures, they're from season 3 of Babylon 5! HA!
Oh, fuck.

 

by choadwarrior
10-01-04
The scriptures tell us that Jesus knew he was to be betrayed in the Olive Garden of Gethsemane.
I know you think that's somehow impressive, but...
I've been telling people the Olive Garden sucks for years and nobody thinks I'm the son of God.

 

by choadwarrior
10-02-04
How are you coming with the sexual harassment investigation?
It turns out that it's all related to incidents that occurred last year that we've already disciplined the guy for.
So nothing new?
No, everyone says he's been good since we confronted him, so I told him there was no need to take this any further.
I suspended him this morning.
That doesn't make me look two-faced at all.

 

by choadwarrior
10-02-04
Damn, this is good. What did you season the ground beef with?
It came pre-seasoned.
What brand is it?
Soy Taco.
You didn't feed me some fruity tofu meat subsitute did you?
Um...Soy Taco is Spanish for "I am a taco."

 

by choadwarrior
10-02-04
I don't like Kerry. My husband was an enlisted man in the Navy and he said that they only made their weakest officers command swift boats.
Can mediocre sailors ever become heroes?
Sure.
Then how many combat medals did your husband earn?

 

by choadwarrior
10-03-04
Before I give you your package, I have to ask you what's inside.
Actually, you don't, but it happens to be absinthe.
You can't send alcohol in the mail, buddy.
I didn't--someone in the United Kingdom did.
Yeah, but you can't send alcohol in the mail.
Apparently, you can in the U.K., now can I get my damn package?

 

by choadwarrior
10-03-04
Sometimes I think I'm never going to find someone.
You shouldn't think that way.
It just seems so hopeless.
If you want proof that there is someone for everyone, go to the airport.
You think I'll find my soulmate there?
I don't know, but the sight of all those ugly people kissing ought to provide some inspiration.

 

by choadwarrior
10-04-04
It's time for the annual United Way campaign.
Hmmm.
We didn't give enough last year, so we need you to do your best to get your employees to donate.
Hmmm.
Also, we noticed you didn't donate last year.

 

by choadwarrior
10-04-04
You aren't getting away that easily.
Look, I'm really uncomfortable with the idea of forced charity.
Donating to the United Way is a great way to give to the community.
Giving directly to the community is even better.
But when you do that, we don't get any credit for it.
So this is all about winning a certificate suitable for framing?

 

by choadwarrior
10-04-04
I am Charitybot. I have been dispatched to secure your donation.
It is not important how much you give. What is important is that you give something.
All I'm going to give you is a kick square in the nuts.
Charitybot has more emotions than you.

 

by choadwarrior
10-04-04
You will complete the donation form and submit it to Human Resources for convenient weekly payroll deduction.
I don't want my money going to non-profit organizations I disagree with.
You may designate the organization you would like your donation to be applied towards.
Can I indicate negative amounts toward organizations I don't want you to give money to?
The doctrine of "Give 'til it hurts" only applies to you.

 

by choadwarrior
10-04-04
Has anyone mentioned that giving to the United Way is a great way to give to the community?
Several times.
Don't you want to give to the community.
I work for a school district. I give to the community every day.
But $10 a week would show you really care.
Has anyone mentioned that I've saved the taxpayers $2.1 million so far this year?

 

by choadwarrior
10-04-04
I am the Fairy Donormother. I have been sent for you to grant me three wishes.
Isn't that supposed to work the other way around?
Not in the non-profit sector.
What are your three wishes?
I want your sympathy, your money, and your ability to use your authority to coerce your employees to give until they bleed.

 

by choadwarrior
10-04-04
I'm not supposed to say this, but you're just a selfish bastard.
You really have no way of knowing that.
As a public servant, you shouldn't profit from the community without returning some.
My salary is public record. How much do you make a year?
Darn, this was getting fun.

 

by choadwarrior
10-05-04
Where are my monthly reports?
You told me you wanted them last month. You didn't say anything about this month.
Well, when i said, "monthly," I thought every month was implied.
You realize I'm going to have to change all my queries and manually run them, right?
That doesn't bother me at all.

 

by choadwarrior
10-06-04
I'd like a car wash, please.
Would you like the Express, the Economy, the Plus, the Super Plus, or the Premium?
What's the difference between the Super Plus and the Premium?
When you drive up, the guy who takes your ticket shouts, "PREMIUM!"

 

by choadwarrior
10-06-04
Earlier today...
Oh my god! Are you eating food from Taco Bell?
Yeah, for the first time in probably six years.
Why now?
I'm running late for a meeting and I'm starving, so I stopped at the first drive-thru I saw on the way back to the office.
A few hours later...
URRRRRRRGH! This is no better the second time around.

 

by choadwarrior
10-07-04
Mr. President, your opponent says you haven't created any jobs in the last four years. How do you respond?
Well...I...uh...see...
It's sorta like...you know...I don't...it's just not true...
Somebody's gotta replace them 1066 dead soldiers.

 

by choadwarrior
10-09-04
Why are you dressed up today? It's the greatest day of them all--Casual Friday!
Better?

 

by choadwarrior
10-11-04
BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!
SIR! You need to come back--I need to check your package.
Oh, if I had a dime for every time I heard that!
I've never seen anyone actually caught from the anti-theft tag. Why do you even use the alarms?
They're very useful.
What, at pointing out when you forget to take the tag off?

 

by choadwarrior
10-12-04
Soon I'll be meeting with my first real boss from the early Nineties.
He taught me everything he knew and is responsible for me pursuing this carreer.
I went in a different direction ten years ago, but he recently took a job in the same industry as I am.
So now he's relying on me for advice. It's really cool. Well, excuse me, I have to prepare for my meeting.
I've been waiting for you, Obi-wan. We meet again at last. The circle is now complete. When I left you, I was but the learner. Now I am the master.

 

by choadwarrior
10-12-04
I have this theory that there is a finite amount of weight in the world.
What do you mean?
Have you ever noticed how when one person you know loses a lot of weight, another person you know gets fatter?
No.
Anyway, would you like a deep fried Mars bar?

 

by choadwarrior
10-13-04
Want to go grab some lunch?
Sure, just a second...
I just have to do a deep-knee bend first.
Balls stuck to your thigh?
I thought I was being discreet.

 

by choadwarrior
10-13-04
Making small talk with another passenger while on weather delay in the airport...
Did you have a good time here in Tenerife?
I did one night...look at these rugburns on my knees.
He was a gorgeous black man with an enormous willy.
I have blisters on my tongue to prove it.

 

by choadwarrior
10-13-04
Remember that time in college when I accidentally swallowed bong water and my lymph nodes swelled to four times their size?
Yes.
Well, I never told you this, but so did my balls.
When I dropped my pants, the doctor said, "Wow, is that normal?"
I suppose the accurate answer was, "Not for me."

 

by choadwarrior
10-16-04
Maggie, I think we should sell the house.
Oh, Jason, what about all the family memories?
It's just that we don't need all this space. We should downsize.
Maybe you're right.
Especially since Carol keeps getting smaller.

 

by choadwarrior
10-17-04
Happy Bosses Day!
Thank you.
You're such a great boss.
It's easy to be a great boss when you have a great employee.
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard you say.
For Secretaries Day, I'm going to give her an insulin shot.

 

by choadwarrior
10-17-04
Son, before I give you the keys to the car, I just want to remind you of one thing.
We have a $1,000 deductible on our car insurance.
You know what that means?
I have enough in the bank for two accidents?

 

by choadwarrior
10-17-04
One thing I've learned being a handyman to famous people is that they're just like regular folks.
One time, I got an emergency call to Sam Walton's place while he was having a dinner party.
Margaret Thatcher was baricaded in the bathroom and wouldn't come out because she plugged up the toilet.
I guess she saved her conservative movement for Britain.

Showing page 16.

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