All comics by Ranger77

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by Ranger77
7-24-06
This is horrible. To think that in a civilized society it can come down to this. Just go online. They're more than enough information out there.
I mean the humanity....have people gone so insane that they can just let this happen?! So much suffering....
You're talking about the fact that MySpace was down all weekend, aren't you?
REFRESH, DAMN YOU! REFRESH!!

 

by Ranger77
7-24-06
Thousands of refugees found themselves fleeing the carnage of MySpace over the weekend. LiveJournal opened its borders to take the desperate and weary.
The MySpace outage, reportedly due to a datacenter power failure, also caused angst ridden teenagers to use primitive alternative methods of communications like the telephone and text messaging.
Meanwhile in the Middle East, some Jews and Arabs threw missiles at each other. But first, our annual Fall Fashion preview ....

 

by Ranger77
7-24-06
You're telling me that I should be more concerned with this Isreali fighting thing than MySpace being down.
Well in so far as regional instability, the spread of Fundamentalism and a possible World War is concerned.
And this is all over "Hezbollah," huh?
Among other things, yes.
I'm not suprised. I think I had Hezbollah once. It's got chicken in it, right?
Yeah. And cilantro....

 

by Ranger77
7-24-06
I feel so stupid. I was all worked up about MySpace and there are people killing each other in the Middle East over food.
Seriously dude, it's messed up. I'm glad the "Kid" explained it all to me. It's good to keep up with world events. Can't we all eat Taco Bell and just get along??
You are truly a sick son of a bitch.
Come on....I did show some restraint. I stopped after I told him Hamas was made with chickpeas and Al Qaeda was a guy that owned a chain of rib joints in Tehran.

 

by Ranger77
7-24-06
A few days ago....
So Condi, lets go over this again. If them Beirut A-rabs tell you that they want a cease fire you say....
I tell them that we want a permanent solution that includes the disarmament of Hezbollah.
Good.
Meanwhile Isreal is only acting in self defense and we are going to stay out of telling them what to do.
Until....?
Oh, yeah...."until the Saudis tell us what to do." Dammit I always forget that part....

 

by Ranger77
7-25-06
It's lonely at the top. Everyone things I'm dumb and things are out of control.
My numbers are in the toliet.... I wish the citizens of our great country would realize I have their best interests at heart.
Hey beech, where my ports at??
*sigh* That joke was old two months ago, Abdullah.

 

by Ranger77
7-25-06
In the interests of "equal time," we present this discourse on gas prices.
You people have to understand that gas prices have to be this high. Middle East problems, the growing demand in China and other parts of the world....it's only natural.
Granted there is no REAL supply problems and even though US refineries are shutting down for "maintenance" prices are rather fair and affordable for the average consumer.
And, uh...price speculation is, uh....good.
The US economy can actually withstand even more.....ummmm...
Freedom is Slavery. War is Peace, BITCHES!
Go Orwell, go Orwell ....it's your birthday.....it's your....

 

by Ranger77
7-26-06
I'm serious about this. For the next month I'm cleansing myself of all sexual thoughts and activity.
Starting today no more porn, FHM and Maxim. Starting today no dates with strippers. Starting today no more lewd thoughts and mental images about women.
Sweaty titties.
Starting today....in about five minutes.
There's a new box of baby wipes in the cupboard you weak bastard.

 

by Ranger77
7-26-06
Just wanted to let you know I'm going to the bar. It's time to test my new resolve to stay away from temptations of the flesh for a month.
*mmmmmph*
I really think I can do it. After all this past month both you and I have had tremendous luck with women. Myself I think the time off will do me good and clear my mind.
*mmrrrph*
My brother, do you think you can stop sucking that woman's toes long enough for a short understandable response?
*mph*

 

by Ranger77
7-27-06
...so really Eastern and Western religions do have remarkable similarities.
That's very interesting.
You know, its so refreshing to actually have a conversation with a young woman without trying to get into her pants. I'm really enjoying talking to....
I'm not wearing any panties.
My brother put you up to this didn't he?
He said it was for your own good. What exactly is an asswedge anyway?

 

by Ranger77
7-28-06
Well that was difficult. Going to the club while on an abstinence kick was probably not a good idea. Maybe my brother was right.
I think he was. Where are the baby wipes?
In the cupboard.

 

by Ranger77
7-28-06
So I says, "Well, them rotor turbines ain't gonna generate gravitons by themselves!"
Luke, I told ya if you keep fuckin' around with all that atomic shit you'll....
I'm sorry....just had to get this out of my head. -R77
I reckon you were probably right.
I hate you.

 

by Ranger77
7-29-06
Well?
Wow.
Impressive, huh?
Yeah. I guess.
It's all in the technique.
I guess I've never truly appreciated the relationship between refried beans and the ability to clear a room.

 

by Ranger77
7-30-06
Frat games....
It's all about the angle.
Of course you need good material to start with.
I used the July issue of Hustler for that one. In particular, page 27. This chick had her fingers....
Stop. Talking. Now.

 

by Ranger77
8-03-06
Oral sex isn't "sex", it's the same as kissing. You really don't need to read the news, I just watch The Daily Show or The View.
"John Tucker Must Die" and "Step Up" are the best movies of the summer. MySpace.com is the best run social interaction site on the planet. I mean who really needs talking or face to face contact?
So do you feel like driving that nail into your head yet or shall I continue?
I'm getting there....

 

by Ranger77
8-04-06
Can I help you with something?
I'm going to kill you Mr. Gates.
No....I don't think so. First of all I'm dreaming. Secondly, in the 8 hours that I sleep per night I make over 20 million dollars.
Now bend down and kiss my shoe like a good little bitch.
*ARGH* I HATE geeks with money....

 

by Ranger77
8-05-06
It's very possible YOU'RE the one that's dreaming, you know....
Oh no you don't. Get out of my head, Gates. GET OUT OF MY HEAD!
Now what?
I dunno....Euchre?

 

by Ranger77
8-07-06
AAAAGH!
What's wrong with you??
Sorry. I dozed off for a minute and had a nightmare about a couple of comics that featured Bill Gates and a ninja on a cloud bank.
Sounds typical to me. Nothing to be upset about.
I think Bill was wearing a skirt with nothing on underneath.
AAAAGH!

 

by Ranger77
8-12-06
I heard you had a problem with that there speech I gave yesterday.
Yes I did. You used the term "Islamic Fascists." I find that very derogatory. A President saying such things can make people see Arabs in a bad light.
Which of course is something that beheading people on video, wanting to kill over cartoons and ramming planes into buildings could not do.
Ok, now you're just being petty. But that was a surprisingly good comback, Georgie. I'm impressed.
I need more of them there "comebacks", son.
I'll consider it, "Georgie." But tell "Rummy" to stop bugging me to work for him too. I swear the man smells like gin and old tobacco....

 

by Ranger77
8-25-06
Yahoo News - Aug 28, 2006
Critics of outsourcing had latched onto "incomplete" evidence that the low-wage labor abroad reduces low-skill wages or increases unemployment in the United States.
We need to move away from the traditional approaches to trade in which only goods can be exchanged internationally, and move toward a new paradigm. Also....uh....
Dammit I need more drugs. You still got that recipe for Meth?
Dude, I think I drank all the cough syrup before we started hitting the LSD. I think I may have some Nyquil though.....

 

by Ranger77
8-29-06
We've been both political and topical lately. I'm thinking we're not having much fun any more.
I disagree. Baconmen. Drugs. Sounds fun to me.
Yeah, but what happened to the cosmic storylines and the multi-part story arcs. I miss that.
I guess we could do that stuff again....
Or we could just do a bunch of strips about sex.
Heh. Like you were actually considering something else.....

 

by Ranger77
9-03-06
I'm a bit upset.
I am too brother. You and I being passed over to be in a series about sex and relationships....It's an insult. But we'll get over it.
No, it's worse than that. They've got someone else to do the strip.
Brother, we're monks. We don't just react, we MANAGE our emotions when faced with things that upset us. I wish whomever they brought in all the best.
Well they're "bringing in" Joaquin.
MOTHFUCKING COCKSUCKING SON OF A BITCH! IF I SEE THAT LITTLE FUCKER I'LL RIP HIS FUCKING NUTS OFF!!!

 

by Ranger77
9-03-06
So, Joaquin.... you want to be Ranger's World resident relationship counselor....tell me why we would take you on?
I know women. You could say: "I'm down with the ladies." I know what they want, I know what they need. My sexual adventures are legendary.
You smell like Spam.
Hot and Spicy Spam, darlin'. Hot AND Spicy....

 

by Ranger77
9-03-06
I'm checking the references on someone who wants to work with us. Calls himself Joaquin but his real name is Ted.
I know him. Arrogant, heartless bastard. I can't stand him.
That's odd that he would list you as a reference. You don't seem to like him very much.
He's a user. A manipulator. He's takes your heart and then your mind. In the end he only wanted me for my body. Lying son of a bitch.
You do realize I'm talking about a little pink pig.
Oh God....I can't stand it anymore. Pleasepleaseplease tell him to call me.

 

by Ranger77
9-03-06
Has the whole world gone insane?? I'm mean look at this pig's MySpace page. He's got 12,567 friends and most of them women.
I mean, really some of these comments are just strange. "Thanks for last night." "You're my boo bear." And this one: "Can't wait to ride you again !" Who would actually....? Oh hell no.
Mom?! What the FUCK???
My body, my booty, my business. Don't judge me.

 

by Ranger77
9-03-06
I've been checking your references. Seems like my mother was one of your 'sexual adventures.'
I don't recall that dalliance but I'll take your word for it. Eh....she's a woman. A woman with wants and needs and I was able to satisfy both.
Ok...I can't say this any other way. You're a pig. A little round curly tailed pig. I don't get it.
Yes, but it's not all about looks, you know. Personality, charm....and I'm a superstar in bed. I know that sounds conceited but it's true.
But....you're a pig.
They come for the bacon, but they stay for the sausage....

 

by Ranger77
9-03-06
Monk.
Joachim.
Now that I'm going to be a regular around here, I'm hoping we can put our differences aside.
As I told my brother earlier....I am a religious man, bound by my principles and my faith. I have plenty of room in my heart to forgive.
Good, because that flight attendant still sends me nude pictures of herself wearing those black slingback high heels.....
COME BACK HERE YOU COCKSUCKER!!! I'LL SKULLFUCK YOUR FUCKING ASS AND SEND THE PICTURES TO YOUR MOMMA YOU SON OF A BITCH!!!!

 

by Ranger77
9-04-06
I can't believe we are actually going to hire that arrogant....pig. The more I learn about him the more I hate him and I'm pretty open minded. At least I thought I was....
So now I find myself contemplating doing something evil. Just to stir shit up....
You rang.
Nice. If I wasn't so pissed, the fact that you're in my head would be really freaking me out right now.

 

by Ranger77
9-04-06
Well, well, looks who' s here.
Hello "Ted."
It's Joachim actually these days. So, are you still single?
Depends. Are you still aware of what I told you I would do if you even thought about hitting on me?
You still have that set of Henckel cutlery, huh?
Was just polishing them up today. Heard you were around and thought it would be appropriate.

 

by Ranger77
9-04-06
That's it? No explosions? No killing rage?? Just a cynical threat and you walk away??
I'm familiar with "Ted." He knows not to cross me. It's kinda complicated. Besides i'm not your attack dog. I don't just blindly destroy people. Or pigs.
That's a point for debate later. How does everyone know this guy?? It's unreal.
I can only speak for myself. I ate his cousin on a hoagie bun with cole slaw and a Dr. Pepper in 1998. Well....part of his cousin, anyway.
I told you it was complicated.

 

by Ranger77
9-04-06
Something on your mind?
Yeah, you can say that. I've been really upset over bringing on this self righteous asshole pig and giving him his own strip. Quite frankly, I was planning on resigning over it.
Go on.
And then I thought about how you just threw this upon everyone and just backed off. You've been very quiet. I'm thinking there is no strip and you brought in the pig to stir things up.
*http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=asswedge
I guess I could've been more subtle.
You're insane. You're a genius. And I want a raise, asswedge*.

 

by Ranger77
9-06-06
Ok, I'm busted. Joachim is just a plot device.
Good. I'm glad we've got that settled.
With that said, I just want to make it clear that he should be treated with the respect that reflects his position. Know what I mean?
Yep. I gave "Joachim" an assistant to work with. It was the least I could do.

 

by Ranger77
9-06-06
I'm glad you remember me. Yeah, a man should remember his past. Kansas City, four years ago, you ran out on me. You left me sitting there.
You were late.
We were buddies, Harold. You, me, and Fresno Bob. You know what they did to Bob?
Nope.
Well, neither do I, but it can't be as bad as being maple smoked and peppered.
Actually my name is Joachim, now. I assume I can still call you Snake?

 

by Ranger77
9-07-06
I'm sorry. Just seeing you again....reminds me of what I once was.
It's okay. Really. I heard you and your companion have been in a few strips around here. That's pretty impressive.
I don't have a "companion"....that's me. SLICED bacon. Get it?
Well look, at least you're still alive. Sort of. And now you're something that you weren't before.
You know, you're right. I'm stronger. I'm wiser. I'm more goal oriented....
Actually, I was going to say that you're more tasty. I don't know anything about that other shit.

 

by Ranger77
9-10-06
So what's the deal between your brother and Joachim?
It's pretty tragic actually. A few years back we were on a flight from Nepal and he was getting really close to this flight attendant. He was moving in to close the deal with his signature line.
"Signature line?" Have I heard that before?
Not unless you're letting him hit it. Anyway, Joachim is sitting next to my brother and uses HIS own line. The pig nailed her five hours later.
So your brother got outplayed by a pig.
He was so upset he said he was going to give up women and become a monk. Seems kinda funny now actually....

 

by Ranger77
9-12-06
Congratulations. This pig thing seems to be giving us alot of material.
It's good to shake things up every now and then. Have you met Joachim yet?
No. He is avoiding me.
Really? That's odd. He knows just about everyone here and those he doesn't he tries to impress them.
Not me. Think about it: A pig and an open flame.
I see your point. Add beer and some Nascar T-shirts and you have the sum of all his fears....

 

by Ranger77
9-22-06
I really had a good time tonight. I really like you and would like to see you again.
Me too! It's so nice to finally meet and go out with a NICE guy!
Great! I want to earn your trust. I won't pressure you for sex or anything. I can wait until you're ready to make that next step.
So how did your date go?
He's gay.

 

by Ranger77
9-22-06
So you're not a Paris Hilton fan, huh?
I'm just not a fan of loose women. That's why I want to marry a virgin. A woman of honor will wait for the right man. It's all about character, dude.
There's Helena. That's a pretty hot outfit she's wearing today.
Aw man. Look at that! She's dirty. She's just a little whore. I'd definitely like to give her the "hot beef injection." I'd be all over that. Damn.
Uh....yeah. So Paris Hilton isn't a woman of honor, huh?
Hell no. But I'd fuck her.

 

by Ranger77
9-23-06
September....
....so I figure when I get my license back I'll only drink light beer while I'm driving and I won't wreck anything.
He's so dangerous. I HAVE to go out with him.....
January....
So the last bitch I was going out with just didn't understand me....
He's such a misunderstood rebel. I HAVE to go out with him....
May.
*sigh* It's so hard to find a nice guy with a sense of humor. Where are all the good men?
I think the answer to that would be: "Staying the hell away from you."

 

by Ranger77
9-24-06
Bitches.
Yeah, Bitches. Can't trust any of them. I won't be a slave to lust.
I hear you. I'm not gay or anything but I can live without a woman in my life.
There's nothing a chick can't do for me that I can't do with my hand.
DAMN.....How do you think she's able to put her leg behind her head like that?
Don't know. Don't care. I think she's diggin' on me. Lend me a dollar.

 

by Ranger77
9-27-06
It's insane the way that society and the media reinforce negative feelings in women. Why should I feel threatened by a beautiful woman. I like myself.....
Excuse me, can you tell me where nearest bathroom is?
Sure....over there by the Shinobi Pavillion.
Thanks!
If those tits are natural I'm either going to start cutting myself or become a nun.
Hey! Mousey girl with the small chest! Where's the bathroom?

 

by Ranger77
9-29-06
Hello.
Hi there. Thanks for the drink.
Just to let you know....I'll be into you for a few months before I start getting moody and projecting my anger of the girl who dumped me last month on you.
And I'll start talking commitment after two weeks and accuse you of not putting enough into our relationship because you never call.
So....you gonna let me hit that?
Yep. Your car or mine?

 

by Ranger77
10-01-06
Women actually think men are dumb, shallow and think only with their dicks. It's absurd.
Yeah.
I mean come on. I don't think about sex all the time. And I definitely don't let some FEMALE cloud my judgement, no matter how hot she is.
Then again, you did just pay that dancer $20 to grind against your lap for 4 minutes. And you actually believe her real name is Destiny.
I don't see your point.
It's amazing how these girls never sweat....

 

by Ranger77
10-04-06
Meanwhile....another day in the Beltway!
Little voices inside my head?
I don't think so.
I'm bipolar.
Nope. Not buying that.
I was molested by a clergyman when I was young?
Now you're just reaching....

 

by Ranger77
10-04-06
The mere fact that I'm in jail right now is an indictment of the facist view this country has about the freedom of expression.
Yes, I walked into a retirement home wearing a bunnysuit. Yes I'm naked underneath here. And yes I admit I did try to give an old guy a lap dance in his wheelchair.
But it was just symbolism. Performance Art! But you facists wouldn't know about artistic....
Senator, will you please shut the hell up.

 

by Ranger77
10-04-06
Our top news: Senator Fecknozzle was arrested yesterday for indecent exposure and sexually assaulting an elderly man.
This is the second blow to Republicans this week who are still reeling from the Mark Foley email fiasco.
Fecknozzle was reportedly apprehended wearing a bunny suit. Previous to his arrest he was a strong voice against gays, gay pride parades and the sitcom "Will and Grace."
A spokesman for Fecknozzle maintains that the Senator is NOT himself gay....
Wait for it.
.....he's just fond of wearing pink bunny suits, giving old men lap dances and being naked in public. All of which makes him certainly happier than most people but not 'gay'.

 

by Ranger77
10-05-06
Hello, hello, Senator!
*sigh* I knew you'd be calling. Before you open your mouth you've got this Senate thing with Foley and Fecknozzle all wrong.
Ok, enlighten me.
Today's world is full of peverse carnal temptations and lustful desires. In order to combat them you must know your enemy. To know your enemy you must become them.
Congrats. I'm officially physically dizzy from all that spinning.
For example I've almost completed my own research into diaper fetishes and I've got ten gerbils on order for my next project.....

 

by Ranger77
10-06-06
I have to say Senator I find it ironic how some of your most conservative politicians turn out to be freaks.
Ah....you're making a mistake there son. Like I said we have to become freaks to fight "freakism."
I see. So how does one "learn" to become a freak?
The Internet is a wonderful tool. But sometimes even that's not enough. Often we have to hire consultants....
"Yo bitch, bring yo purdy self over here and let me rub on your bottom."
Booty, man. BOOTY! Damn! And show some emotion. Ya gotta focus, baby. Take another hit off that pipe if ya have to....

 

by Ranger77
10-06-06
Thanks for the lesson. I think I'm well on my way to understanding how to seduce 16 year old meth addicted runaways. Can I ask you a personal question?
Knowledge is power, my caucasian friend.
Why are you people always talking about some grand conspiracy against minorities. As a congressman I can assure you that's not the case.
Look homey, there are things you don't understand. People is lookin' at me right now, I bet....
A few hundred miles away....
Can you get a fix on him?
Of course. I'm insulted that you actually asked me that question.

 

by Ranger77
10-20-06
Listen....you're just about the most level headed person I know. I'm telling you, this hatred you have for "the Pimp" is unnatural. Let it go.
He's an idiot. He doesn't have a damn thing to do with who or what you are. So what do you say? Live and let live?
Nope. Drop the squid.
He's gonna keep fucking with you. You do realize this don't you?
I kinda figured that out. So I assume I gets the usual ten second 'screamin' my ass off like a little bitch' headstart right?

Showing page 17.

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