All comics by bigworm

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by bigworm
1-14-11
Jesus! What's takin' you so long? We've only got 30 minutes before your appointment to die for the sins of others, and you're not the only one who needs to use the bathroom.
Father, will I be able to use my hands to saw a plank when I'm on the cross? Will I be able to hammer a nail when I'm on the cross? Will my hands be able to use any of the tools thou hast given me?
Of course not!!! Your hands are gonna' be nailed to the fuckin' cross!!! And just to set the record straight... you won't be able to jack-off on the cross either! Any more dumb-ass questions?
No, I think you just asked the last one Pa. *wap wap... wap wap wap...........wap*
Are you jackin' off right now?
Make that the last one! *wap wap wap... wap wap... wap wap wap*

 

by bigworm
1-16-11
As I stand here... alone, memories of the fun you and I used to have, flood my mind... like so many sluggish salamanders underneath some rotting log.
Do you remember how we used to stomp the shit out of those salamanders? Then we would run off... carefree... and alive?
But now... my long lost wayfaring dairy-maid, thou hast gone away, like the salamanders of olde...
Yoo-hoo, the salamanders are dead, I went to the salt-lick for 10 minutes, and stop calling me 'dairy-maid'.

 

by bigworm
1-16-11
*waaahhhhh... sniff sniff... waaaahhhhhh* Why'd you leave me here all alone?
Look... for one thing, I need salt.
But didn't I tell you, you could lick my dick anytime you wanted?
Number one, your personal hygiene continues to be an issue with me...
... and your personal salt is simply too foul for my green diet.

 

by bigworm
1-16-11
I've always enjoyed the tang of my own salt, and I thought you did too!
And I thought you got off on watching me lick myself like a dog.
Hey! Could we give it another shot?!!

 

by bigworm
1-17-11
Hold on mama... I'm at the back door feedin' it out to ya rat now.
Oh my God!!! sumpin's tryin' to open ma back gate!

 

by bigworm
1-18-11
Why hast thou come before me good knight?
Your Majesty, I seek the removal of my chastity visor.
Was it not installed because you were eating all the cats in the kingdom?
No your majesty... it was not.
Do you stand before me now denying that you ate all the cats in the kingdom?
Yes your majesty, it was pussy. I was eating all the pussy in the kingdom.

 

by bigworm
1-18-11
So... you seek to have your 'chastity visor' removed. On what grounds is your request based?
Your Majesty... the visor prevents me from having a good relationship with my cat.
Did your cat ever knead your groin?
How would I know that your Majesty?
How could you possibly not know it? Every time my cat kneads my groin, I assure you... I KNOW it!
WTF???

 

by bigworm
1-18-11
I have reached a decision regarding your request to remove your 'chastity visor'.
I humbly await your wise decision Your Majesty.
Based on information provided by yourself... your request is denied.
Could I ask what 'information' your denial is based on... Your Majesty?
6 of 1... half dozen of another.
Oh My God... who is this guy anyway?

 

by bigworm
1-18-11
Well good sir, are you or are you not going to ask for the information (given by yourself), which has led to the denial of your request?
Yes... if I may Your Majesty.
Yes you may.
May I hear the information (provided by myself), which has served as a basis for your denial of my request?
Ah!!! You didn't say "Mother may I?"
Ok... I give up.

 

by bigworm
1-19-11
Pre-test...
Your final test is to avoid death using your highly refined psychic powers.
I am ready.
The test...
Please don't kill me! Please!!! I beg you, don't kill me.
Post-test... (ie., 'mortem')
Bro'... you were supposed to use your psychic kung-fu power, not psychic talk power!
NOW you tell me!

 

by bigworm
1-19-11
Ooohh... we are floating in nothingness...
Woweee...
Ok, I've had enough...
Me too.

 

by bigworm
1-19-11
Yessir, my chastity visor has given me steady employment in the Jewish community for many years... I AM the Bar Mitzvah Guy!
Excuse my imaginative curiosity, but wouldn't the excised 'part' fall towards (and perhaps into), your mouth?
Yes, but I don't eat it...
*whew*
... until after I've pickled it.
*uuurrrrp*

 

by bigworm
1-19-11
Holy Cow! I never knew I would meet anyone else up here in 'nothingness'.
I need a bit of advice.
Yes?
Just a second...
How do I keep from twirling

 

by bigworm
1-19-11
Oh 'fecal matter composed of rice'!!! Here I am in 'nothingness'...
... and I left my glasses in the Temple!

 

by bigworm
1-19-11
If we're only 99.9% sure that you must sniff my butt to prove that my shit doesn't stink, then we can't go forward with the act.
I'm 100% sure.

 

by bigworm
1-19-11
My shit doesn't stink.
That's a lie, and you know it!
No, it's true, and I can prove it!
The only way to prove it would be for me to sniff your butt-hole!
Are you certain that's the only way?
99.9%

 

by bigworm
1-19-11
OOhhh, here I am in 'nothingness' again... alone.
OMG! What the hell is that over there? Oh no... it's floating my way.
My sentiments exactly.

 

by bigworm
1-20-11
Before you sniff my butt-hole... you must promise me something.
?
Promise me ...
... you won't sniff and tell.

 

by bigworm
1-20-11
Do you promise me that you'll never tell anyone that you sniffed my butt?
I do.
Do you promise to hold and cherish me, and be faithful only to me... until death do us part?
C'mon now!
You no say "I do", you no sniff my butt!

 

by bigworm
1-20-11
You gonna' say "I do", or not?
I do...
...not.

 

by bigworm
1-20-11
Now that we are united, I only need a couple more things before you can approach the threshold of my yak-leather monk-thong.
Your what??!
My yak-leather monk-thong.
Hey... come back!!! You didn't sniff my butt-hole yet!

 

by bigworm
1-20-11
Why have you returned? Why are you in my bedroom?
I left because I didn't know about those yak leather things... you know.
So now you know about it... why are you here?
I've been wondering a lot about it... you know. Like uh, maybe if it was uh... like is it, uhh.. maybe like a little crusty?

 

by bigworm
1-23-11
I regret to tell you all, that certain behaviors will no longer be tolerated in the church proper.
Due to the high cost of pest eradication...
... all use of sectional fencing infested with termites, shall hereafter be confined to the parking lots.

 

by bigworm
1-24-11
I told a friend that my owner forced me to suck his dick every night. He told me he used to have the same problem and that I could get help at the 'Alien Shop', so...
We recommend you try your purchase on to ensure it's fit.
How's it feel?
Honestly, now I'm worried about the possibility of a heretofore unknown penchant for 'anal'.

 

by bigworm
1-24-11
William... I thought it might be best if you practiced your testimony before Sunday's service.
Sure Father, whatever you say.
Okay then... umm... let's begin... *ahem*
What was that? A Jewish *amen*?
Oh Willy Willy Willy! HA HA HA HA... HA HA HA HA... HA HA HA HA! I was just clearing my throat! You homeless are so folksy!
Calm down Father... you're just nervous 'cus you wanna' suck my dick.

 

by bigworm
1-24-11
What's that thing hanging up there in the sky?
Sorry 'bout that sweetie... I was just takin' a whiz.

 

by bigworm
1-24-11
So that was your wang I saw up there in the sky, huh?
Yes it was sweetie-pie, and like I said... I'm sorry you had to see it. That was an accident, I assure you.
You sound just like my uncle.

 

by bigworm
1-24-11
So tell me... how is it I sound like your uncle?
He always says he's sorry when I see his wang by accident. Then he says, "I apologize profusely for any part I may have played such that my wang fell accidently into your mouth."
Is your uncle an attorney?
He used to be.
Oh.. and what is he now?
Now he's Bubba's wife.

 

by bigworm
1-24-11
Oh William, you couldn't be more wrong! It would be contrary to my vow of celibacy to orally copulate you.
That never stopped you when I was an altar-boy.
I see... and what would the cost of your silence be? A case of wine I suppose?
Yeh... and a couple of altar-boys, and you.
*Whew* For a moment I thought you were going to be totally unreasonable.
C'mon now...

 

by bigworm
1-24-11
Now how are you gonna' suck my dick with that thing on yer head?!!
You know what? That's ok, 'cus I'm tired of your suck-jobs anyway! Turn around and bend over... we gonna' try somethin' new!
I hope I'm wrong, but it looks like the 'heretofore unknown penchant for anal' is raising it's ugly head.

 

by bigworm
1-24-11
Read it for me, would you please? I'm too emotional right now.
Ok, here goes...
What am I gonna' do?
"Dear Shit Gobbler, Due to the advent of the flush-toilet, your services are no longer needed."

 

by bigworm
1-27-11
Am I doing a good job Madam Prime Minister of Australia?
Oh My God Russell!!! You eat me so fucking good!!! More tongue! More tongue!
Am I better than the Abos?
Hell ya, better than any fuckin' yank too! Faster Russell... I'm gonna' cr_ _, I'm gonna' cr_ _, I'm gonna' cro_,
*gork*
Er er er er ERRRRRR!!! Er er er er ERRRRRRR!!! Er er er er ERRRRRRR!!!!

 

by bigworm
1-28-11
My 'monk he'... *sniffle* left me for a banana.
Oh no! My 'monk-he', he's gone. *boo hoo... boo hoo... boo boo hoo... boo hoo hoo*
That's MY banana!

 

by bigworm
1-28-11
I'm just a humble monk, albeit enlightened beyond belief.
Your statement is a contradiction.
Ok... how about this, I may be an arrogant monk, but I'm really ignorant and lack wisdom, and furthermore...
... just a minute, maybe you should just stop talking.
You mean like a vow of silence?

 

by bigworm
1-28-11
It wasn't like I was gonna' say anything... dumb-ass!

 

by bigworm
1-29-11
Dear Father, Australia is in need of help. If you would please, change me into the Prime Minister of Australia? Could you also make Russell better than any American?
I'm already better than any American!
Abra-cadabra!
I think he got us mixed up with New Zealand!
Thaaa-aaa-aaa-aat's for daa-aaa-aaam sure!

 

by bigworm
2-01-11
So what exactly is going on with you and your wife that brings you to seek counseling.
Well, we argue a lot... all the time as a matter of fact.
What is it you'd like to get out of counseling?
Well, the arguments escalate to a point of... almost violence, then... then she's done, but I'm not! I'm left with... with... I don't know what.
Psychological blue-balls?
WOW!!! I can't believe I didn't see that for myself!

 

by bigworm
2-01-11
Dr., do you think I will ever learn the craft of the 'Alternate Account'?
Handle your 'blue-balls' first.

 

by bigworm
2-01-11
Although he had a neurological bias for 'Paralyzing Ennui', and thus a strong tendency towards immobility...
...he awoke one morning to discover he had been stricken with 'Animated Ennui'.
hmmm.... so this is what the hammer and nails were for!
He never made it to the prison Dr., due to a sudden recurrence of 'Paralyzing Ennui'.

 

by bigworm
2-02-11
Pig to God... come in. Are you there God? I appreciate being made in your image.
shhhh...
Pig to God... come in. Are you there God? I appreciate being made in your image.

 

by bigworm
2-06-11
I am arisen from cybernautic slumber only to find aliens eating my fecal matter from brown paper bags. ALL SHIT-EATERS MUST DIE!!!
NOOOOOoooo! Please don't kill me, I was only... *FAAAARRRRRT... SHHhhiittt... KA-PLOP* Spare me kind robot... *Fartsweet! Fartsour! Fartdiarrheacream!*
C'mon Grandpa, tell me the story again about how we shit-eaters would trick people outa' their shit!
Well you see... I had this robot suit.... he was like a shit dispensing vending machine....I would jump out and say....
I am arisen from cybernautic slumber only to find aliens eating my fecal matter from brown paper bags. ALL SHIT-EATERS MUST DIE!!!
NOOOOOoooo! Please don't kill me, I was only... *FAAAARRRRRT... SHHhhiittt... KA-PLOP* Spare me kind robot... *Fartsweet! Fartsour! Fartdiarrheacream!*

 

by bigworm
2-10-11
No Father, I don't have any boys, in fact I don't have any children at all.
So does God still love me?
I hate it when 'mum' is the word!

 

by bigworm
2-10-11
Father, remember when we were talking about having to get down on bended knees?
Remember you were telling me how important that was to God?
Do you think God would make an exception for those who are 'knee-bone challenged'?

 

by bigworm
2-10-11
I'm up here to give my testimony.
I know in my heart that God loves me, and wants me to join him in Heaven. So when I die, I know I'm going...
...straight to hell!!

 

by bigworm
2-10-11
I know everyone's worried about where Father McPloughbutt is.
We all are so worried for him, and we are all praying for his safe return.
Can I get someone to 2nd that motion?

 

by bigworm
2-10-11
It's beginning to look like Father McPloughbutt is gone. Only God knows where.
We are praying that the good Father didn't get bludgeoned to death, dismembered...
... and fed to the alligators over at the zoo, amen.

 

by bigworm
2-10-11
I will be the interim Priest until I choose myself to fill the position permanently. Starting next Sunday, the format of the service will be a little less stodgy.
It's about time! We're tired of stodgy worship!
From now on, any parishioner who coughs up 5 bucks... gets their choice of a bottle of wine... or a 6-pack!
Fuckin' A!!!
... and a free re-usable brown paper bag!
You go Daddy Bear!!!

 

by bigworm
2-10-11
Some of you asked me if the churche's day-care program was going to be continued. Yes it is, and it is improved as well. Of course, the children won't be getting a bottle of wine for 5 bucks.
Of course not!!!
I have prepared a special low-cost child care package. For only $3.00/day, each child (between the ages of 9-12), will receive 1/2 a bottle of wine.
Where'd the first half of the bottle go?
It'll be your job as the responsible parent to drink the first half before you give the bottle to your child.
Of course! What was I thinking?

 

by bigworm
2-10-11
What about kids between 9 and 12 years old?
Oh yeh... um, I guess it slipped my mind. I'm gonna' watch that group myself...
It's like a 'calling'.

 

by bigworm
2-13-11
Thanks for the big hand!
Now could somebody lower the mike for me?

Showing page 17.

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