All comics by biped

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by biped
12-19-04
Crudbury! Change my tampon for me. Such crudities are beneath someone of my great wealth.
Very good, Miss Bitch. Pardon me while I fetch the rubber bunny costume.
...and for my birthday I got a toilet made out of giant gold-studded diamonds, and toilet paper made out of billion-dollar bills, and a solid platinum Tiffany ass-wiper.
Why, ain't that just peachy-keen. Well, see ya later, Bitchie -- it's time for me to go to my second job down at the shit house.
Having poor friends keeps me grounded. Plus, I can pay them pocket change to have oral and anal sex with dogs, horses and cows for my idle entertainment.
Nell tay wee erna kine, Bee-cha-hey! Hawsie may tinah weel spear mah BUTT-HOE!

 

by biped
12-20-04
Flobar float floans!
Foo-goo? Goo-goo!
Moe-gursh molardzo murks!
Flootch glootch!
(Smeck)!
SMORCH!

 

by biped
12-21-04
You know, Barbie, sometimes old Santa's awful glad he can see what you're doing all the time.
Was I a good girl this year, Santa?
Oh, bless my big, dangling jingle bells, no...no, that wouldn't have been any fun to watch at all...
What did you bring me this year, Santa?
Something we can both enjoy... crotchless panties, a see-through nightie...some of those clear "fuck-me" shoes...oh...oh my... OOOH, MY... HO-HO-HOOO!!!
GOSH, Santa! You're making EGG-NOG in your PANTS!

 

by biped
12-21-04
Would you GO OUT with me, Maura? Me LOVE YOU!
HELL, no! I wouldn't go out with YOU if you were the LAST happy stupid dragon on EARTH!
SLURP! YUM-YUM, her tasted GOOD! Yummy BLOOD and MEAT and CHEWY BONES!

 

by biped
12-21-04
Yooou are in my power...yooou will have seeeex with me...
I will have seeeex with you...
Wha...what happened?
Oh, I hypnotized you into having sex with me. I hope you don't mind.
SURPRISE! I hypnotized YOU into thinking I was Suzy Muffington!
MOM!!!

 

by biped
12-21-04
Mom said that if a girl's farts smell good to me, it means she's my one true love!
*frrrrt*
*sniff* *sniff* Oh, BOY! I've FOUND you...my ONE TRUE LOVE! Let's get GO STEADY, darling!
Oh, my GOD! GET LOST, you little CREEP!
MOMMY, WAH-HA-HAAA!!! THE FART-BASED LOVE TEST DIDN'T WORK!!! OH, MY LITTLE HEART IS BROKEN!!! WAH-HA-HAAAAA!!!
Oh, my...I'd better make salmon patties and spicy tater tots for supper tonight.

 

by biped
12-21-04
Hey, Santa! While you were fucking around in here, I went up on the roof and took a big, steaming crap in your sleigh!
WHY, YOU LITTLE --
What's the fuck's this? POWER RANGERS? Well, you can just take that shit and cram it straight up your ass! ASSHOLE!
YOU -- YOU'RE A VERY BAD --
FUCK you! Who the FUCK gave you the right to judge my fucking behavior ANYWAY, you FAT OLD SHIT-EATING, COCK-GOBBLING --
THAT'S IT!!! I'M KILLING YOUR MOM AND DAD!!!

 

by biped
12-23-04
Hi, Yvonne! Just thought I'd leave another message to let you know that I love you. I love you, I love you I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU
I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU
"Hi, everybody. I'm Ken Ferguson."

 

by biped
12-23-04
Today I'll demonstrate how to delicately grout expensive Italian tile with a standard trowel.
But first, I'd just like to say -- I love you, Yvonne. I love you, I love you I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU
"I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU"
I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU

 

by biped
12-23-04
"I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU"
I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE Well everybody, sorry we don't have time to learn about how to grout Italian tile today.

 

by biped
12-23-04
PICKLES! A DOLLAR APIECE! GETCHER PICKLES RIGHT HERE!
Leave me alone.
"Well, folks...bye, now...for the last time..."

 

by biped
12-23-04
Hi, Yvonne! Just thought I'd leave a message to let you know I'm killing myself! **BANG!!!**
It's your fault Kenny killed himself. I hate you.
I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU

 

by biped
12-23-04
I'm Captain Stratosphere, the famous spy-smashing aeronaut from the 21st century.
Wow!
Ha-ha, just kidding. I'm really your long-lost twin brother.
Oh.
Well...Mom's a hooker down on the waterfront now.
Really? Uh-oh.

 

by biped
12-23-04
Rudolph, with your nose so bright -- won't you guide my sleigh tonight?
Ahh, go fuck yourself, Fatso.
Wanna screw?

 

by biped
12-23-04
The big Christmas shipment is ready, Santa. Pure heroin. Enough to make everyone well.
Heroin? You were supposed to make toys!
Oh. Well, I'll go knock out a few fire engines, then.

 

by biped
12-23-04
I know how much you love the children, Frosty. That's why I'm giving you...the gift of life.
Oh, how wonderful! Thank you, magic fairy!
OH MY GOD, THE SNOWMAN'S ALIVE!!! IT'S THE MOST HORRIBLE ABOMINATION EVER!!!
But...but...

 

by biped
12-23-04
"...and JOHN WAYNE as 'Adolf Hitler.'"
"Our story begins as --" Oops!
MOMMY! The teevee just turned into a blonde girl in her underwear!
"Pay no attention to what you just saw."
Well...okay!

 

by biped
12-24-04
Hey, Mister! What do you get when you cross an elephant with a giraffe?
Oh...my...GOD...

 

by biped
12-26-04
MUAHAHAHA! I've got you now! I'm going to chew off your knees and floss with your spinal column!
Uhmm...
What?
You're standing on my foot.

 

by biped
12-26-04
MUAHAHAHA! I've got you now! I'm going to chew off your knees and floss with your spinal column!
Uhmm...
What?
I have to go make a "boom-boom."

 

by biped
12-26-04
Crappy luck, getting stuck in an elevator on New Year's Eve, huh?
Yes. I find it maddening. Quite maddening, indeed.
By the way, my name's Biff. Biff McGurk.
Hello, Biff. I'm the "Happy New Year Elevator Killer."
Uhh...
10... 9... 8... 7... 6...

 

by biped
12-27-04
MUAHAHAHA! I've got you now! I'm going to chew off your knees and floss with your spinal column!
Uhmm...
What?
Think of my poor little children..
Oh, I DID! While I was EATING them!
D'oh!

 

by biped
12-27-04
MUAHAHAHA! I've got you now! I'm going to chew off your knees and floss with your spinal column!
Uhmm...
What?
I'm a little teapot...short and stout...
THIS is my HAN-dle!!! THIS is my -- HUH?

 

by biped
12-27-04
Goo-Goo! Are you there? If you're there, pick up! GOO-GOO! IF YOU'RE THERE, PICK UP! GOO-GOO!!! FOR GOD'S SAKE, PICK-UP!!! PIIIIICK-UUUUUUP!!! GOOOO-GOOOOO!!!
Heh...Mom sounds scared.

 

by biped
12-27-04
Can I help you?
Yes, um...you spelled "omelets" wrong on your menu. It says "ocelots."
That's because we serve ocelots here. Baked, fried, or barbecued whole ocelots, thick, juicy ocelot steaks, or tasty, tender ocelot "petites."
Wow! "Ocelots" to choose from! (pause for laughter)
I wrote this play.
I added the part about the ocelots!

 

by biped
12-28-04
Just look at all the pigs, Mom. All the fucking pigs. Someday, Mom -- someday I'm gonna kill all the pigs. Oh, yeah -- they'll all get theirs, all right. In spades.
I'm increasingly worried about Billy...
Look, there's Mr. Wilson washing his Volvo...pig. There's Mrs. Green, walking her dog...pig. And the fucking Lipschitz twins -- grrrr!!! -- pigs.
The...pills...don't seem to be working...
Heh, I'm just aching to kill -- why, you'll be so proud of me, Mom. I'll have the biggest body count ever. Bigger than Manson's -- why, maybe even bigger than Hitler's.
Maybe it's his penis size...oh, the mysterious penis...

 

by biped
12-28-04
Mom, I tried on Sis' clothes last night, and I looked fucking awesome. I've decided to become a transvestite.
Errr...spicy tater tots for dinner tonight, Billy.
Wha -- OH, BOY! YAAAAY!
Uhh...what was I talking about?
Thank you, spicy tater tots!

 

by biped
12-28-04
Mom, I've changed my mind about being a transvestite. I've decided to become a dancing bear trainer.
I'm never going to have any grandchildren...
I've already thought of a cool name for my dancing bear troup -- "Billy's Off-The-Hook Hip-Hop Bears." They'll break-dance and wear bling-bling.
Maybe one of his teachers will seduce him, and get pregnant...but then, my grandmotherhood would be tainted with scandal...
Hey -- maybe I could wear a mini-skirt and "fuck-me" heels instead of a bear-trainer suit --then I could be a dancing bear trainer AND a transvestite! COOL!
That does it! I'm signing you up for soccer first thing in the morning, young man!

 

by biped
12-28-04
Our market researchers merged "retro", "camp", and "so-bad-it's-good", and kept coming up with one name -- Captain Chip.
Not only is his cruddy old 60's TV series still popular in syndication, but his "Captain Wanker" gay-porn videos continue to sell briskly.
Pack up your tights, Cap -- you're going to Hollywood!
Oh, my! It's like a dream come true! Somebody pinch me!
Assume crash positions, everyone. May God have mercy on us.
This is all so exciting!

 

by biped
12-28-04
Welcome to Loclasso Studios, Captain Chip. I'm Gary -- I'll be directing your comeback film.
Oh, I hope we do justice to "the legend!" My fans deserve it after so many years of unflinching loyalty!
I'LL save you, young man! What seems to be the trouble?
Oh, Captain Chip! I need to get "deep-schlonged" so bad! PLEASE ram it to me "super-doggy-style!"
Err... Mr. Di Bona, this isn't much different from those awful "Captain Wanker" scripts I had to do to pay for my hernia operation --
Yes, it is. The sex scenes are a vital story element, because your radioactive super-sperm is going to impregnate the evil Dr. Sphincter's impregnable lair.

 

by biped
12-28-04
The jig is up, Dr. Sphincter! Spread those big, hammy cheeks and get ready to feel the meaty thrust of my steel-hard justice!
CAPTAIN CHIP! You've caught me with my pants down and penetrated my defenses YET AGAIN!
"Oh, he'll WANK it! He'll CRANK it! He'll YANK it and he'll SPANK it! With his SUPER-POWERED GRIP -- he's CAPTAIN CHI-I-IP!"
Oh, this is HORRIBLE! My career is RUINED! I can't bear to face my fans now!
YAAAY! SHOW US YOUR DICK, CAPTAIN CHIP! AND WANK IT FOR US!
Why...they LOVE me! I'm bigger than EVER now! HERE, ALL YOU WONDERFUL FANS -- HERE'S MY BIG, SUPER DICK! ENJOY!

 

by biped
12-28-04
So, Captain Chip -- how does it feel to be the world's most popular gay icon?
Oh, I certainly AM gay these days, Wink! It's so nice to be the hero of millions again!
Why, CAPTAIN CHIP! Fancy meeting YOU here in your living room! Good thing I remembered to bring my KNEE PADS!
*GASP* -- MONICA LEWINSKY! My favorite OBSCURE C-LIST CELEBRITY!!
OH!!! OH!!! BE SURE TO HIT THE DRESS!!! *GLORP!!!*
HOORAY FOR HOLLYWOOD!!! UNNNGGGHHHH!!!

 

by biped
12-28-04
Mnnrff...mffglff...
Did I hit the dress? Monica? Monica?
This just in -- "*GLORP!!!*"
Oh, my GOD -- she VIDEOTAPED it! It's all over the NEWS!
You FRAUD! You're not gay at ALL! I hate you, Captain Chip -- I HATE you!
I...I've let my FANS down! Even the little CHILDREN... who look UP to me as a ROLE MODEL! *choke*

 

by biped
12-28-04
HONEST, everyone -- I can be SUPER GAY! I can be so GAY it would make RICHARD SIMMONS VOMIT!
BOO!!! BOO!!! WE HATE YOU, CAPTAIN CHIP!!! WE HATE YOU, YOU STRAIGHT ASSHOLE!!!
But, officer...
And to think, you were actually a HERO to my super-gay son. You shameful, pathetic bastard.
Well, Mai Ling... I no longer have an image to protect... might as well finally consummate my forbidden, long-stifled lust for you...
Me rikee "hot dog"!

 

by biped
12-28-04
Come back here and fuck me like you MEAN it this time, ya little BASTARD!
But Grandma -- I'm so TIRED!
That's it...waller around real good in there... play like yer eatin' a big, juicy watermelon... oh...ohh...OH, MY GOMPERS!!!
MMRRRGGLLFF!!!
GAAAAAA!!! I'm gettin' OUTTA here!!!
Well, Happy New Year, anyway -- ya little QUITTER!

 

by biped
12-28-04
Aarrgh...I have writer's block...but I feel like making a comic anyway.
FUCK!!! FUCK!!! FUCK!!!
FUCKITY FUCK-FUCK!!!
*save comic*

 

by biped
12-28-04
I am sorry, ma'am. We do not make "Dolph Lundgren party robots that vomit on you."
WELL, then -- this ain't much of a damn ROBOT FACTORY, now IS it?
Arthur...I'm building my OWN damn robot factory! Then I can make any kind of damn robots I WANT!
Oh. My.
And I can make Dolph Lundgren's TITTIES as BIG as I want! And he can VOMIT on me as MUCH as I want!
Please... go...away...

 

by biped
12-28-04
Well, SHIT -- you sure don't LOOK like much. Let's see ya VOMIT!
Urk...ack...urgh...
ARTHUR! I'm gonna need some SERIOUS ALL-NIGHT LOVIN' to get me through this disappointment!
Urk...ack...urgh...
No...ma'am...we cannot and will not manufacture the Dolph Lundgren party robots that--
I'll BLOW ya for it! There's gotta be some kinda damn MECHANICAL DICK on ya there SOMEWHERE!

 

by biped
12-28-04
WELL, Arthur -- I BLEW a ROBOT! And now I'm gettin' my DOLPH LUNDGREN PARTY ROBOTS!
Well...happy vomiting, dear...
You are...unsatisfied with the--
DAMN RIGHT I am! The TITTIES aren't BIG enough! My GOD, do you even KNOW who Dolph Lundgren IS?
"ME VILL BEAT...DA VEAK AMERICAN...ROCKY BALBOA... HA, HA...HA..."
Run it again, Klick-Klack. I must calculate these measurements precisely.

 

by biped
12-28-04
Well, one more SHIT Christmas to flush down the fucking toilet of life. FUCK, I hate little kids more every fucking year...
You're the one who wanted to be Santa Claus. Can't really blame anybody but yourself --
Hey, FUCK YOU, BITCH! YOU'RE the one who pushed me into it because the idea of FUCKING SANTA CLAUS got you all WET!
Why, you fucking BASTARD! I was the only one who would TOUCH your fat, hairy, zit-ridden, cottage-cheese ASS, you FUCKER!!!
Santa -- I'm really your illegitimate son. You see, Mrs. Claus fucked a reindeer, and --
Well, that fucking figures. But at least now I don't feel so guilty about humping Shelley Winters back in 1957.

 

by biped
12-30-04
He was at the top of his game.
You are a veddy clevah opponent, Mistah...
Bond. James "Two-Bags" Bond.
The chicks dug him.
Fuck me, Biff!!! FUCK ME!!! FUUUUCK MEEEEE!!!
No. I am faithful to my lovely wife, Sally. Now get out of here.
The guys wanted to be him.
Hey, Biff! I'm gettin' TWO fuckin' colostomy bags... just like YOU! Awesome, huh?
That's very nice -- but you should just be yourself, Floyd. You're a unique individual.

 

by biped
12-30-04
He had the best selling pop albums.
"We may be apart, but all of my heart, is devoted to yooou...take a whiff of my love, like a fragrant dove... my love is truuue..."
And starred in the highest grossing teen sex comedies.
This sure is good fuckin' beer, dude!
Oh, no...I just jacked off in it.
Now he's been caught up in an embarrasing/disgusting/plain bizarre scandal...
OMIGOD! Your wife is HOW old, Mr. McGurk?
Eight. But, she'll be nine next month. Why, is that bad?

 

by biped
12-30-04
...a scandal that immediately destroys any legitimacy he had and makes him a late-night punchline.
"Biff's wife may be eight -- but she's got the body of a six-year-old! GUFFAW!"
Biff! What doth "GUFFAW!" mean?
My job is to chronicle the scandal...
...and write it all down in my blog, right after I finish playing this new videogame called "Biff's X-treme Mega-Downfall 2"!
Hi, Mom!
He suffers an Ashlee Simpson moment...
"We may be apart, but all of my farts...I mean, my hearts... uh...take a whiff of my farts... uh..." Darn, where'd I get "farts" from?
BOO!

 

by biped
12-30-04
...and a far more sinister OJ Simpson moment...
But, officer -- these people were already dead when I got here.
Oh, SUUURE. I'll bet EVERYBODY'S already dead when YOU get there.
He turns to drugs and sinks deeper...
What'll it be today, fuckface?
Do you have any airplane glue?
...then tries to clean up his image.
And on behalf of the Sally McGurk Foundation, I hereby donate --
You're not fooling anyone, Biff, you sick fucking bastard.

 

by biped
12-30-04
An obscure C-list celebrity becomes friend and mentor to the erstwhile superstar...
Same fuckin' shit happened to me. You cap ONE motherfucker over a little crack cocaine and the fickle-ass bitches all TURN on you.
Thanks, Todd. I mean, Mr. Bridges.
...degrading... ...shameful... ...pathetic... ...humiliating...
Yes, yes, I get the point....thanks, Grandma.
And then, finally, he hits rock-bottom.
I will NOT wear that chicken suit! Okay...I'll wear it...
And don't forget to call me "Daddy." Or else, NO tip...BITCH.

 

by biped
12-30-04
Vote for me or I will DESTROY you!
Clearly, you are unprepared to support any of your positions in this debate --
Shut up or I will DESTROY you!
Well, the votes are in -- you lost by a landslide.
Have sympathy sex with me or I will DESTROY you!

 

by biped
12-30-04
Nell tay WEE ERNA KINE, Buh-ho-da-may! Hawsie may tinah weel SPEAR mah BUTT-HOE!
For GOD'S SAKE, Nell -- would you PLEASE SHUT UP about that time you FUCKED A HORSE!
Nell gone go bay hi TAY-DA-HAY! Me nah erna kine hay summa GOOBAH SLOBBAH!
Err, pardon me, miss...did you just offer me a free blow job?
OH, gonna HAY bee nah-nah DOO-DAH, Foogah-doogah-may! Erna tay FUPPY-MUPPY way!
SA DA TE, Tippie Tai! Sine your pitty on the runny kine, and cole me down on the PANNY sty!

 

by biped
12-30-04
MUAHAHAHA! I've got you now! I'm going to chew off your knees and floss with your spinal column!
Uhmm...
What?
Computer -- end program.
What's the matter, Mom? Didn't you enjoy my new holographic scenario?
Wesley, I think you need to set up an appointment with Counsellor Troi.

 

by biped
1-04-05
Now remember, everyone...Santa's always a little irritable right after Christmas. So try not to upset him or anything.
Hey, Santa -- here's that vaccine you were going to give to those dying children. Heh -- I forgot to put it in your toy bag.
Well, being buried alive in a giant pile of polar bear shit isn't so bad. And the size 12 boot up my ass fits nice and snug.

 

by biped
1-07-05
Thanks for coming. Are you sure you weren't followed?
Of course!
Wait a minute... how do I know you're not a fed!
How do I know you're not?
Meanwhile...
Wait a minute... how do I know you're not Ashlee Simpson!
How do I know you're not?

Showing page 17.

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