All comics by four_legged_tripod

Profile

 

You called for an 'Escort'?
Dammit, I'm going to have sex with you and you're going to pay me for it! Got that!? Good!!
Moo?

 
Hey sweetie! Thanks for remembering to bring home more milk!

 

You're under arrest for the death of Bob Hoskins!
I've been set up I tell ya! Railroaded! Bamboozled!
Yeah, yeah. I've heard it all before. Now turn around you filthy carrot muncher!
Earlier that day...
Do you know anything about Bob Hoskins' death?
It was Roger!

 

So which is better? Faster, or slower?
Slower!
In what situation would slower be better?
Love making!
I read you loud and clear!

 

Sir, would you please stop doing that?
I don't see why I should.
Because you've been in here every day for the past three days and I've asked you each time to stop jerking off in my office.
I really don't see why you would have a problem with this.
Because this is not THAT kind of bank!

 

That's a nice landscape you've got there.
Thanks. Now I just need to add a farm animal to it.
Why'd you do that?
To make it a Land Scape Goat.

 

 

I just read an article that named Ryan Gosling as the most over rated actor.
I can't stand that guy. With his stupid radio show, his taking over for Dick Clark and the way he hosts American Idol!
You're thinking of Ryan Seacrest.
I know. I just want to throat punch that guy.
I was talking about Ryan Gosling.
Sorry. Didn't hear ya.

 

Another painting with farm animals?
Yep.
Sea Scape Goat?
Yep.

 

You're on a role with these new paintings. What's next?
City Scape Goat.

 

I told my uncle about your paintings and he wanted to know if you'd paint him.
Sure.
What do you call this one?
Man Scape Goat.

 

I decided to make a painting for Michael Jakson's new album.
Xscape Goat.

 

There was a 90s girl R&B quartet called Xscape. You could make an Xscape Goat painting for them.
I could, but I apparently can only draw two different black chicks.

 

Hey, ma? Someone just left me on the floor and didn't put me in the crapper!
by four_legged_tripod, 5-20-14

 

The new lesbian couple across the street came over today.
Really?
They said you came over yesterday to welcome them to the neighborhood.
I did.
They brought you a Timex. Why would they do that?
I think they misunderstood when I said "I wanna watch".

 

RAAARR!
Oh no, he'll destroy the city! Music has charms to soothe a savage beast! Someone help!
♫ Oh no! There goes Tokyo. Here comes Godzilla! ♪
MOSH PIT!
Really?
Looks like my work here is done!

 

♫ Ding dong the witch is dead! Which old witch? The wicked witch! ♪
Come on man, don't be like that. Mya Angelou wasn't a witch.
Maybe, but she was blind as a bat.
So?
So, have you ever had anyone feed you crackers rectally?

 

Where did I put that? Why is this drawer so fuzzy? Could someone get the light?
That wasn't my pouch you was fistin' mate!
Crikey! Turn off the light!
I didn't say stop.

 

So the answer to the age old question is that it was the chicken who came first.
by four_legged_tripod, 5-28-14

 

So I've come up with a new superhero idea for myself. I'm gonna be "The Whip-Cracker"!
Why are you gonna call yourself "The Whip"?
I'm not. My full name will be "The Whip-Cracker"!
Oh. I thought you were just referring to me on that last part.

 

It looks like Ms. Ann Davis just slipped and died from her injuries.
Not so fast! I think there may have been foul play involved.
You think she was pushed? Do you have a suspect?
Yep!
Sam the Butcher!
Damn! I knew that nickname would bite me in the ass later!

 

Did you see the NBA finals game last night?
Sure did. LeBron James is a wuss.
No one could have played through the cramps he was experiencing.
Bullshit!
I made my wife finish mowing the lawn the last time she had cramps.

 

My boss says I'm too uptight.
Have you thought about giving yourself a wine enema before going to work?
15 minutes later...
HEY! WHERE THE FUCK IS THE DOOR? WHY IS EVERYONE TAKING SO LOUD?
I'm not sure you should go to work. Your normal eye has glassed over like your glass eye.
Hey sexy. Wanna watch me shoot my eye out of my asshole?
There's something different about you Sally, but I just can't put my finger on it.

 

Hey neighbor, my weedeater is total crap. My wife told me to come and ask if I could borrow yours.
Sure. No problem.
30 minutes later...
Hey thanks man. You've made my wife very happy.
Glad one of us could.

 

If I were a tree, I would have no reason to love a human.
I can live with that. TIMBER!
by four_legged_tripod, 6-24-14

 

Where have you been?
I went to the doctor's. I have thrush.
Isn't thrush a yeast infection on your tongue?
Yep.
Must be going around. My wife just got back from the doctor's and she too has a yeast infection.
Oh, look at the time!

 

Dear Sam, after years of you using me and then discarding me, erasing me from existance, it's your turn.
Yours truly, the Christmas Tree.
Huh. That's weird.

 

Pack my box with five dozen liquor jugs.
Only if my dick gets five dozen friendly tugs.
Five dozen friendly tugs for five dozen liquor jugs?
Unless, of course, the jugs you seek are found on my sister, the slutty freak.
So if I want to wet my beak, your sister freak is what I seek?
You know what? I'm too tired for this. 500 bucks. She's out back by the dumpster.

 

What can I get you madam?
Surprise me.
OOGA BOOGA BOOGA!
ACK!
Madam?
*ack*

 

This is it! I've finally tracked down that deadly, well-armed, violent killer in this abandoned warehouse where no one else is.
I guess I'll follow protocol, radio for backup and quietly wait until they arrive.

 

TAXI!
hee hee
What's so funny?
Sorry. I don't mean to sound racist but it's usually a guy like me hailing a taxi while a guy like you drives up in one.
Yes. Very funny. Now could you help me? I can't remember where I parked my cab. TAXI!

 

Uh huh.
You realize that "baby sitting" means you literally have to sit on my face, right?
Wow! Like, your dad told me the exact same thing. So it must be true!
Oh, you'll do nicely.

 

On Ork
Goodbye Mork.
*sniff*
Nanu Nanu.

 

I find that I'm attracted to the same type of girls black guys are attracted to.
So...
white girls.
Yep.

 

Um Lin? There's something different about you. Did you get a new hair cut?
Nope. Sex change.
Come on. You're just messing with me. I bet you're Lin's cousin just playing a trick on me.
No. Seriously. I had a sex change.
I find that very hard to swallow.
That's why I brought the five bucks.

 

testes!
what?

 

What's with all of the balloons all over my desk?
It's for your going away party.
But I'm not going... Shit! I'm being fired! I've given 15 years to this place. I'm their best employee! Well fuck this! I quit!
Hey, where's Andrew going? And did you get those balloons put on Iggy's desk like I asked?

 

I hate my new girlfriend.
Why?
Her father's in show business.
And?
And when we have sex, she sticks the tip of my dick in her, pulls it out, leaves and says, "Always leave them wanting more".

 

Hi! I'm with a local area Youth Center and we are doing a scavenger hunt for the local food pantry.
Neat.
Is there anything on this list that you might have that you would donate to the food pantry today?
I think so. Hold on a second.
I'm back. The grocery shopping's done.
Great! Just set them on the table.

 

STRIKE!
What are you doing?
Playing online bowling.
Doesn't that make you an eBowla?

 

The smell down here is horrible. There is a burnt hair smell and one of rotting flesh. And, and, yes, the smell of Tuperware being melted in the microwave.
Frank.
Ms. Rivers.
This is Frank, signing off here at the Dead Carpet gala.

 

Did you know that if TheGovernor had entered this contest he probably would have won?
Everybody knows that.
Yeah? Well did you know that thatsnotfunny is a runner up for his use of Noodleloaf in his comic?
Really? Next you're gonna tell me that ragu4u won this contest.
He did. How did you know?
Everyone saw the crap that RCLG submitted. Almost as bad as that edoggy fellow.

 

Let's go team!
Come on fans! Let the team know you're behind them!
Psst. Hey. I'm right here behind you.

 

Hey, pops. Congrats on winning the limbo challenge.
Stop it! I know you're just making fun of the fact that I am literally under the bar right now.
No. Seriously. I saw you win the limbo challenge they had half an hour ago.
Oh! Sorry. Thanks. I appreciate it.
Dad! Dad! This really nice man congratulated me on winning the limbo challenge today!
Loser!

 

Doctor! My wife is in labor!
Then bring her in.
You don't understand. The woman that has been helping her throughout her pregnancy is not here. We can't do this without her. I'm losing my mind!
Now just take it easy and go get your wife.
Doctor, is that man going to be okay?
Of course. He's just having a midwife crisis.

 

So how was the ComicCon?
Weird.
Why?
I caught Captin America making out with princess Elsa from Frozen in the parking lot.
So if they were to have a child, would their kid be... the Winter Soldier?
This is why I don't take you anywhere.

 

Jimmy, take a letter.
_immy, take a letter.
...the fuck just happened?

 

Oh shit!
I didn't know.
Spider-Man has leprosy!

 

Sorry to hear about the leprosy, Peter. How do you plan to keep fighting bad guys?
It's up to you now.
Oh, I don't think so. You just need to be more careful and keep your head on straight.
Sorry. Couldn't resist.

 

So now that Spider-Man has leprosy, we can just follow his body parts to where he is.
Here's another of his arms!
False alarm boys! It's just Mary Jane.
So, turns out you shouldn't fuck a leper.

Showing page 17.

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