All comics by ivytheplant

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by ivytheplant
11-24-04
Please?
No.
PleeeeEEEEE aaaaaaaAAAAAAse!
For the last time, NO!
She didn't go for it, I take it?
What's the fun of a rampaging crowd of crazed, sale-mad soccer moms if you can't have riot gear?

 

by ivytheplant
11-30-04
Wake up. You overslept for work.
Begone heathen.
I mean it. It's already 10AM.
I'll just make up some lame excuse.
Isn't your evaluation today?
ARGH!!!

 

by ivytheplant
11-30-04
Well, I had my 90-day evaluation today.
You've only worked there for 60 days.
Yeah, but the 90-day evaluation is at 60 days and it determines our raise.
So you'll be making more money now?
Not until the actual 90 days.
Ah, logic. A commodity lost in today's corporate world.

 

by ivytheplant
11-30-04
It was kind of scary at first. That "green room" reminds me of some bad scifi movie.
So what did they they tell you?
I need to work on my punctuality.
I can't imagine why.
I was born late. I'm just following my natural instincts.
By milking it for 25 years.

 

by ivytheplant
11-30-04
It wasn't all bad. I had a lot of qualities they really loved.
Do tell.
You won't believe me.
Try me.
They said I have "great Wal-Mart spirit."
They don't read your comics, do they?

 

by ivytheplant
11-30-04
Imagine me on a scissor lift extended to the ceiling and unable to even lower myself until she moves.
Hrm..
...
6 agonizing minutes later...
This looks good...
...
4 minutes later...
Oh, this one is better I think...
JUST PICK ONE!

 

by ivytheplant
11-30-04
How much is this?
Well, if you didn't see the 97¢ price listed on the giant sign above the merchandise...
...or you missed the 97¢ price painstakingly placed on each peg hook...
...you might notice that each piece of merchandise is labelled 97¢ on the package itself!

 

by ivytheplant
11-30-04
o/^ Zoning, zoning, over the open sea... o/^
Attention customers, if there is a Hugh Jass shopping in the store with us, you have a call on line one!
...
Hugh Jass, you have a call on line one! Thank you!
It's a shame no one ever asks for Prince Albert in a can anymore.
I don't get it.

 

by ivytheplant
11-30-04
o/^ Zoning, zoning, over the open sea... o/^
Guess what!? HBA just got in some vibrating massagers shaped like cats!
I didn't know Wal-Mart was branching into adult retail.
...
Nevermind.
I don't get it.

 

by ivytheplant
11-30-04
In the women's restroom...
I think my water just broke.
Um...
The contractions are still a bit far apart, but I think I can make it to the hospital.
Please do.
Of course, I spend all my time at Wal-Mart so I might as well have the baby here!
I can hold it.

 

by ivytheplant
11-30-04
Do ya's gots any massagin' oil?
I don't think so...
I need lots of lube! Fast!
Pharmacy department. Ew.
Whipped cream, chocolate syrup, D batteries, and a goldfish.
ARGH!

 

by ivytheplant
12-05-04
Hey, I heard it's your birthday today! Congrats!
Thanks.
Yup...
Mmhmm...
So, this means you're like 189, right?
Bite me.

 

by ivytheplant
12-07-04
We took down the display of Christmas trees in the Garden Center today.
Why?
Apparently the "season for Christmas displays is over."
...
Dude, I am not making this up!
I know, but my brain just experienced a systemwide crash from the massive logic void surrounding that statement.

 

by ivytheplant
12-09-04
Based on a real event 10 minutes ago. With added pyrotechnics to make it cooler...
223-PRAY? That's rather creepy.
Thank you for calling the Bible Superstore, how may I bless you today?
AAAAIIIIIEEE!!!
I warned you.
Fine, you go Christmas shopping!

 

by ivytheplant
12-15-04
Your living room is a mess.
I'm wrapping Christmas presents.
And what's that horrible smell?
The sink's backed up. I'm waiting for the plumber.
I'm going to have to fail you for poor housekeeping practices. You have 30 days to get this mess cleaned up.
I bet you leave hair on the soap.

 

by ivytheplant
12-17-04
Money
-$$$
D'oh!
Snobs
Small downtown businesses are smarter, classier and better for the universe.
I have 42¢ to my name.
Long Lines
How may I help you?
I was going to buy this ice cream, but it melted.

 

by ivytheplant
12-17-04
*beep*
Sigh. Lot of presents to get this year but I have a very tight budget already.
*boop*
If I could, I would give my brother everything in the universe.
*bork*
I wonder if he'd like Legos instead.

 

by ivytheplant
12-17-04
You should go to stores downtown and support small businesses by purchasing your gifts there.
That sounds fun, but I really like having the opportunity to eat this month.
*baffle*
Of course if I knew anyone who would appreciate overpriced junk crafted by local "artisans" it would make this a lot easier.
*urk*
It's not that I don't like paying ridiculous markups to compensate for property taxes...

 

by ivytheplant
12-17-04
Why do people leave their babies in line as place holders?
Not only is it rude, it just presents me with an opportunity to finally have a baby sacrifice.
Yo! Can I get some cigs over here? I'm gonna rip someone's fucking head off!
Awww. They grow up so fast.

 

by ivytheplant
12-17-04
Okay, I've been through the entire downtown and found only two out of 23 items.
Let's see, where can I get a few DVDs, a couple books, some pretty candle holders, Legos, Transformers toys, a video game, a calendar, and all my wrapping and mailing supplies in one place...
...that doesn't have a ridiculously high markup to compensate for property taxes and I can get a 10% discount just because I work there?
...
Fuck you all, I'm going to Wal-Mart.

 

by ivytheplant
12-20-04
"Bush Chief Speechwriter Has Coronary Procedure"
Nucular weapons could destroy liberries and purty foilage.
For the last time, it's "nuclear," "library," and "foliage!"
Nucular.
Gah!
Yer gonna be okay there, Mike.
Shuttup! Just shuttup you *ack!*

 

by ivytheplant
12-20-04
"Bush Signs Intelligence Overhaul Bill"
And sign there, Mr. President.
All righty.
Well, I guess it's official, Mr. President.
Yee haw!
Congratulations, you have now completed the first grade.
Oh boy! I kin buy booze and cigarettes!

 

by ivytheplant
12-21-04
*hic*
[insert offensive comments on pretty much everything here]
Jest lookit mah big gun.
*vomit*
Heya shugar! Wanna git some lovin'?
Where's napalm when I need it?

 

by ivytheplant
12-21-04
1998
Lust...
Lesbian...
2001
Lust...
Lesbian...
2004
Lust...
Lesbian...

 

by ivytheplant
12-23-04
Are you ready to go?
Yeah! I got these two things for my daughter for Christmas, but then I found this blanket with angels on it. She loves angels. I think I have just enough. I hope.
That will be $23.13.
Oh. Oh dear. I'm a few dollars short. *sigh* Well, I guess take the blanket back.
Here, this should cover it.
Oh! Bless you! You're my Christmas angel!

 

by ivytheplant
12-23-04
So you're the new girl, eh?
Yes.
How wonderful!
Why are you looking at me like that?
Dream sequence...
If you're gonna clean the floor properly, you need to stick your tongue in alcohol, THEN the bleach before scrubbing!
This is what I get for being an Art major.

 

by ivytheplant
12-23-04
Okay! Lets get everything condensed so we can fit the Valentine's Day merchandise in here!
Um...
But isn't it--
Shush! Don't say anything!
Why not?
Because you're too green to be able to handle the answer. Here's a hint: It involves getting ready for Easter.

 

by ivytheplant
12-23-04
Do you have gift tags?
No. We ran out a while ago.
Oh dear, what shall I do?
We still have holiday themed printer labels.
Oh no, that just won't do. Are you sure you don't have any more gift tags?
I know this is a hard concept, but have you considered taping a piece of paper to the gift?

 

by ivytheplant
12-23-04
Do you have gift tags?
No. We ran out a while ago.
How can you not have gift tags?
My guess is they've all been sold.
You're supposed to carry everything I could ever want!
Sir, all stores are different. While we carry guns and condoms, we do NOT carry porn, beer, or gift tags. Suck it up.

 

by ivytheplant
12-23-04
Do you have gift tags?
No. We ran out a while ago.
You're kidding.
Yes.
Huh...

 

by ivytheplant
12-23-04
Do you have any Christmas cards?
I'm sorry, were all out.
Oh.
Phew!
What about gift tags?
GAH!

 

by ivytheplant
12-23-04
What's that sign on your shirt say? "We're out of gift tags."
Yup.
That reminds me, I need gift tags.
Hang on, I hear the phone.
Okay.
It's for you. Your brain is running away to the Yukon until you stop being a dumbass.

 

by ivytheplant
12-23-04
So, how was your day today?
Oh, just the usual. Mindless bodies driven by a single desire to consume the flesh of the living in order to satisfy some insatiable desire.
So, typical day at Wal-Mart, then?
What are you talking about? It's all over the news. Dawn of the dead. Zombie infestation wiping out the human race.
My mistake.
S'alright. Easy one to make. Gotta go load the shotguns.

 

by ivytheplant
12-23-04
What's up with mom? She keeps poking those pretty boxes and making odd noises.
Oh that. She just can't wait to open her presents.
Do we have presents?
If you look under the tree, you will notice the biggest one is for you three.
Ooo! I hope it's a box!
Cats are so weird.

 

by ivytheplant
12-24-04
Excuse me, where is your wrapping paper?
Right behind you.
Oh, ha ha. I was right in front of it!
Heh. Yes, yes you were.
Thanks!
o/^ Zoning, zoning, over the open sea...o/^

 

by ivytheplant
12-24-04
Excuse me, where is your wrapping paper?
Right behind you.
Oh, ha ha. I was right in front of it!
*sigh* Yes, yes you were.
Thanks!
Dumbass.

 

by ivytheplant
12-24-04
Excuse me, where is your wrapping paper?
You don't see it anywhere?
No.
Turn around.
Oh, ha ha. I was right in front of it!
Actually, I just wanted easier access to shove this acrylic angel tree topper up your arse. Dumbass.

 

by ivytheplant
12-27-04
'Twas the day after Christmas, when all through the discount store/few creatures were stirring, just clerks and a manager.
It's 3am, can I go home yet?
No.
The stockings, which had been hung by yours truly on the peg hooks with the utmost care/were scattered with the tree skirts, ornaments, and pretty much everywhere.
@$%^%^$%*!!
The customers were being held back by some bouncers named Jed/while I wondered if I could escape without banging my head.
Back off, lady.
But I want bargains!

 

by ivytheplant
12-27-04
And Mel in her antlers, and I in my vest/were praying we'd get just a moment of rest.
How 'bout now?
Give it up.
When from the front doors there arose such a clatter/I snuck around some display pallets to see what was the matter.
The Ninja Employee must investigate!
I crept to the front as stealthlike as a ninja/peered through the door, and then I did crinja.
Egads!

 

by ivytheplant
12-27-04
You listed us last!
I'm going to eat your bamboo.

 

by ivytheplant
12-27-04
Here, have some coffee.
Thanks!
Waitaminute...it looks like coffee, smells like coffee, is hot like coffee...but it's solid!
Here, have some coffee.
Thanks!

 

by ivytheplant
12-27-04
Mmmm. Ohhh! Yeah!
Who rocks your world!?
Ooooh! BATMAN!!
What the--?
Look, I'm sorry. It just slipped out. You do rock my world.
How do you expect me to compete with the Dark Knight?

 

by ivytheplant
12-27-04
Antarctic fowl:
Meep.
Hell Demon:
Lords and Masters of the Universe:
Again we're last!
That's it. I'm eating the other bamboo.

 

by ivytheplant
12-27-04
Replace the undesireable government officials with clones using genetically engineered flu as a cover!
I'm bored. Let's go see a movie.

 

by ivytheplant
12-27-04
*type type*
[sounds of death and destruction]
*move mouse*
[sounds of death and destruction]
*type type*
[sounds of death and destruction]

 

by ivytheplant
12-27-04
The sodium lights on the breast of the black pavement/gave a hideous dead sheen to a lot no longer vacant,
Egads!
when, what to my terrified eyes should appear/but a throng of demented soccer moms and their screaming progeniture.
We want sales!
WWAAAAHHH!!!!
Led by their Chosen One, so demanding and arrogant/I knew in an instant humanity was kaput.
We want sales!
We want sales!

 

by ivytheplant
12-27-04
More rabid than wolves, their chants they came/and they bellowed and roared and screamed brand names:
Open up or I'll kill you!
You have two minutes!
"Now Levi! Now Reebok!/Now, Phillips and Sony!/Oh, Lysol! Oh, Swiffer!/My kid wants a pony!
A pink one!
WWAAAAHHH!!!!
To the Isle of Clearance!/To the Bargain Wall!/Now open up! Open up!/Open up all!"
I want a pile of useless crap I don't need!
If it's one cent higher, I'll complain!

 

by ivytheplant
12-27-04
As clearanced electronics that before the wild nerd fly/when they meet with an obstacle, they just shoved it aside
RAHR!
so through the store's doors the courses they surged/with purses full of money, and a buttload of returns.
RAHR!
WWAAAAHHH!!!!
And then, in an instant, I heard a massive boom/the pounding and scuffling of each Dockers shoe.
RAHR!

 

by ivytheplant
12-27-04
As I recoiled in fear and was turning around/the Mob From Hell towards me swelled with a bound.
ARGH!
Wait!
They were dressed impeccably, from their head to their feet/and their clothes were all tarnished with names of the elite.
I say!
Indeed!
A bundle of cash they waved in my face/and I felt as if I were a bookie in a demented horse race.
GAH! Get away!
Dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba!

 

by ivytheplant
12-27-04
Their eyes--how they spat fire! Their brows, how strained!/Their tans were like suede, Their noses inflamed!
Eek!
Their vengeful mouths were drawn up in a sneer/and the hair straight from Friends made me shiver in fear.
Like, oh my god!
*whimper*
A clump of an unlucky opponent's hair held tight in their nails/and the blood it spewed amidst the howls and the wails.
*snarl*
Bring it on, bitch!

Showing page 17.

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