All comics by evil_d

Profile

 

by evil_d
1-12-18
Why should we let people from all these shithole countries move to America?
Because... that's literally what it says on the Statue of Liberty?
What? No way does it say "shithole" on the Statue of Liberty.
Yeah, they modernized the poem a couple of years back.
"Y'all huddled masses tryna get up outta them shitholes? We takin' tempest-tossed, we takin' wretched refuse, we takin' all them bitches."
I'll be damned.

 

by evil_d
1-14-18
Julius Caesar
Fuck!
Abraham Lincoln
Mother fucker!
Martin Luther King, Jr.
Son of a dolphin dick!

 

by evil_d
1-26-18
Do you suffer from chronic dry eye, but don't want to put any strange chemicals in your body? Then you need TruTear®!
Here in our factory, we spend all day telling orphans they're unlovable in order to bottle the genuine tears that your peepers need!
Please sir, may I have my teddy bear back?
Sorry, Timmy! We used it as kindling to burn down Disney World!

 

by evil_d
1-26-18
Why does Carrot Top call himself "Carrot Top"? I get that he has orange hair, but the tops of carrots aren't actually orange; they're green.
The "Top" in his name doesn't refer to a carrot's top; it refers to his top. He's saying that the top of his head is colored like a carrot.
If he wanted to say that the top of his head were colored like the top of a carrot, he'd have to call himself "Carrot Top Top".
Somebody call me?

 

by evil_d
2-01-18
I had the largest audience ever to witness an inauguration, period.
You tell 'em Donald. Those aerial photographs were obviously doctored.
45.6 million people watched my State of the Union speech. The highest number in history!
And who wouldn't tune in, just to hear the sound of your melodious voice?
When I was fucking that porn star, I gave her the most orgasms. No porn star has ever had so many orgasms, believe me.
Love 'em and leave 'em, that's what we religious conservatives say.

 

by evil_d
2-15-18
Hey man, can I come in? I don't have a bunch of dudes inside me or anything.
That's a really weird thing to mention.
What? No. I'm just saying, is all.
It's just, like, most people aren't full of dudes. It's assumed. You know? So why bring it up?
Hey man, I'm cool. That's all I'm saying. If I was bootlegging a bunch of Greek soldiers or whatever, I'd have to tell you. That's the law, right? So can I come in?
Alright, whatever.

 

by evil_d
2-25-18
I'm here with Maia Shibutani, one of ice dancing's famous "Shib Sibs", to ask the question other interviewers are only willing to hint at: you guys are totally fucking, right? C'mon, be honest now.
We're brother and sister, so... no.
I'm just saying, you ice dancers touch each other in places I'd never touch someone if I wasn't fucking them.
Your doctor touches you in some pretty intimate places. Are you fucking your doctor?
I tried to... now he won't even give me an appointment.

 

by evil_d
2-25-18
I'll start with the Karen Noodle Soup, and for an entree, I'd like the Leg of Liam.
Very good, sir.
Later:
Everything was delicious, chef. What's your secret?
I put a little piece of myself into every meal.

 

by evil_d
3-05-18
Cherry... cherry... cherry!!
YAHOO!
I won!
You can take this job and shove it, boss!
This isn't a scratch-off lottery ticket. It's a sheet of scratch-and-sniff stickers.

 

by evil_d
3-09-18
Hi, I won the genetic lottery this week, here's my ticket.
Ah, yes, just a moment....
Thanks! Wanna go out sometime?
I don't know; have you also won the personality lottery?

 

by evil_d
3-09-18
After I won the lottery, all of my family members wanted me to give them handouts, like to fix their broken-down cars. I had plenty of money so I said sure.
Then I ran out of family members but I still had money. So I started finding strangers and paying to fix their cars.
Then I realized, I'm so rich I don't have to work anymore. Why should I pay someone else to fix people's cars?
So wait, you won the lottery and then started working as a mechanic?

 

by evil_d
3-13-18
A judge has ruled that a woman who won $560 million in the New Hampshire lottery will not have to reveal her identity in order to collect her winnings.
The judge dismissed state officials' argument that publicizing winners' names is necessary to prove that the lottery is fair and has not been corrupted.
Good work, Ivanka. How many Facebook ads will that buy us?
Depends. Do we want to spring for ones that aren't obviously bullshit?

 

by evil_d
3-14-18
Got any spare change?
No, but here's a lottery ticket. Hope you get lucky.
*POOF*
Wow, I won! Thanks mister!
Holy cow!
The next week:
Wait, what happened?
Invested it all in Bitcoin.

 

by evil_d
3-19-18
I used to worry about fossil fuels and emissions and all that crap.
Then I realized—fuck it. The planet's dying, we're dying. Only thing I get to choose is whether I go out behind the wheel of a Mustang or a Prius.
You don't have to die behind the wheel of a car at all!
Whaddaya think, was that bump just now a squirrel or a hobo?

 

by evil_d
3-20-18
Companies getting their hands on my Facebook data and using it for nefarious purposes is the sort of thing I used to worry a lot about.
That was back when I had the sense to be ashamed of my personal data. Now my attitude is, if somebody sees my info, that's their problem.
Sir, we have data saying that 53-year-old meth-smoking horse-incest-porn enthusiasts from Terre Haute are overwhelmingly likely to vote Republican.
Do we have an algorithm that can make me forget I ever heard that?

 

by evil_d
3-29-18
So you're saying that a person can't escape the cycle of reincarnation until they balance out both their good and their bad deeds?
Yes. All the karma that one has accumulated, both good and ill, must be repaid.
So when this plane crashes, instead of going to heaven...
You will be reincarnated, due to all of the good karma you have earned from ministering to your parishioners.
That's dumb as shit.
Well, there might still be time to molest a kid or two if you hurry.

 

by evil_d
4-10-18
Planet Earth was a sinking ship. I always said so. But I knew I could count on you to bring me aboard your two-person spaceship, Elon.
You forced me to at gunpoint. I wanted to bring a woman so we could restart the species.
Ah, women are overrated. All they do is lose their looks and then describe your penis to everyone.
Hey, let's find that car you launched up here and take it for a spin.
Do you think oxygen is a Chinese hoax, or what?

 

by evil_d
4-13-18
Well, that universe was a bust. I think I need to make the dominant species smarter.
Aye, that'd be a good start.
Wh— What are you doing here? You're supposed to be disappeared like the rest of existence!
Search me, mate. Last thing I remember is falling into the loo at the pub.
Oh, so that's where I left the other end of that portal.

 

by evil_d
5-04-18
Hey man, the end of days is coming up in a few years and I really need people distracted while I make some preparations.
Think you can draw the world's attention for a bit?
Stand back and watch the maestro at work, sonny.

 

by evil_d
7-17-18
Putin told me that he didn't interfere with our elections, and I believe him. That should be all there is to it!
I tell my wives I'll stay with them and they believe me. I tell banks I'll pay them back and they believe me.
For more on this philosophy, read my new book, Your Life Will Be Better If You Believe What I Tell You.

 

by evil_d
9-12-18
Harold Jefferson, you died of a heart attack at 3:07 this morning. It is time for your soul to be weighed.
You don't look like God.
You've never seen God; only pictures drawn by humans. Now, it says here that you merged in front of another driver and then slowed down a grand total of 1,683 times?
I'd like you to balance that against the fact that I always tipped the Girl Scouts a dollar extra when I bought cookies.
It doesn't count if you try to stuff it in their bras. C'mon, lava pools are this way.

 

by evil_d
9-19-18
Avast, matey! I be here to plunder a burger, a large fries, and all yer doubloons!
Oh, hold on, I have a button to press in situations like this.
Whoa, take it easy man. I'm just celebrating Talk Like a Pirate Day; no need to call the cops.
I'm not pressing the panic button. This is the zap-customers-who-think-they're-funny button.

 

by evil_d
11-09-18
And another thing about your transvestite prostitute mother—
Wuh-oh, better step in here.
*poof*
Wow, I thought that guy was going to beat me up for sure! Thanks for saving me, God! How'd you do it?
Fatal heart attack. And I've got to say, I don't think you want to know what's happening to your corpse right now.

 

by evil_d
11-25-18
I just heard you call that guy "comrade". Are the two of you Soviet spies?
You're being ridiculous. My friend's name is "Conrad". And there is no Soviet Union anymore.
Oh, right. Sorry to bother you.
Anyway, Conrad, here are the blueprints for the voting machines.
Спасибо. With these, Ivanka's 2024 campaign can't fail.

 

by evil_d
12-20-18
I'm concerned that the song "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus" helps to normalize sexual assault.
It doesn't sound like you've listened to more of that song than its title.
Adults know that it's consensual, but to kids who don't get the subtext, it teaches that men coming into random women's houses and kissing them is acceptable.
Hmm. Aren't you also concerned that Santa is just assumed to be heterosexual?
Well, I mean, he does canonically have a wife.
Maybe she's Santa's true beard.

 

by evil_d
3-05-19
I have a number of complaints about my meal. For starters, the "guacamole" I ordered was just a whole, overripe avocado.
Ah, yes, I'm afraid our chef quit while he was in the middle of making it.
It was also thrown at my head instead of being carried to my table.
Yes, I believe the waiter also quit on his way out of the kitchen.
And another one of your staff loudly called me a "crack whore".
Okay, you got me. This isn't a restaurant; it's the alley behind 7-11 and you're in the middle of a bum fight.

 

by evil_d
3-25-19
I'd like to beautify my house by painting it.
Oh, no, you can't do that. It's already the correct color.
I see. And what if the paint were to become damaged?
Oh, then you'd have to beautify it, for sure. By painting it the exact same color.
You seem like the kind of person who listens to "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" and thinks "A little rhinoplasty would clear this problem right up."
Don't be silly. He should just paint his nose the correct color.

 

by evil_d
3-25-19
You can repaint your house, but the new color has to be identical to the old one.
But nobody's made "Nixon Chartreuse" since the '70s. The closest I can find nowadays is "Trump Orange".
Yeah, that's identical enough.
You don't know what one of those words means.

 

by evil_d
4-01-19
That teacup ride really tuckered me out, so I'd like to rent Cinderella's Castle for the night.
Uh... we do have a guest room in there, but we usually reserve it for special cases, like Make-A-Wish kids.
They'll be happy to make room for their president, if they're Americans, and if they're not, deport them. And send Cinderella up. Tell her I pay $130,000 a night.
How can any place that doesn't let rich people do whatever they want be the "Happiest Place on Earth"?

 

by evil_d
5-15-19
Tee hee! I said something you're not supposed to say! Are you going to ban me?
I've never banned anyone for being offensive before. Why would I start now?
But don't you wish you could?
"Could"? I already can. I just don't.
What's a guy gotta do to get a spanking around here?

 

by evil_d
8-03-19
In the Book of Jayden, chapter 3, it says that in Hell, the demons make you do something called "flog" with your fellow tormented souls.
"Flog"? Well that sounds right up my alley. I guess I can safely continue in my wicked ways, then.
But eventually:
"Flog"? I think your pastor was dyslexic. Here we make you play golf.
OH GOD, WHY??????

 

by evil_d
3-03-20
Shouldn't you guys stop selling Corona here? Because of the virus that's in it?
Corona the beer has nothing to do with the coronavirus known as COVID-19. The similarity in names is just a coincidence.
Oh, cool. So I can keep drinking Corona and I won't get sick?
I didn't say that.

 

by evil_d
4-06-20
Hello? Do I know you?
I'm Shirley Jones. We went to kindergarten together?
Oh my god, Shirley? We used to race each other to the swingset as soon as recess started? This is incredible! What have you been up to?
Oh, not too bad, you know! Married my high school sweetheart and now we run a B&B in Niagara Falls!
That's wonderful! Wow, what a trip! But what brings you here today?
Well, I just wanted to let you know about the crucial steps we've taken to ensure the safety of our customers and employees during the COVID-19 pandemic....

 

by evil_d
3-03-22
Bonus panel: get fucked, Vladimir Putin!

Showing page 18.

« Previous