All comics by kaufman

Profile

 

by kaufman
6-07-02
fhew.
moh.
meh
nhee!

 

by kaufman
6-08-02
Before we dismiss school for the summer, it's time for Vice-Principal Romero and me to hand out awards.
As you know, there are many awards to give, both because it boosts your self-esteem, but also because our salaries are based on how many we give out.
The Mathematics Prize goes to Danny Walker, the Social Studies Prize to Susan Wisher, Basketball King to Larry Henderson ...
Best Doodles to Darrel Mason. Staying in line, Li Chu Huang, Best Nose-Picking to Jane Anderson. Best Pronunciation of the Letter B: Amy Witt..
Smallest Shoes, Kevin O'Malley. Memorable Show and Tell, Ronny Peebles. Best Third-Grader Whose Great Uncle Has a Metal Plate in his Head, Jane Zimmer.
Creative Graffiti, Patty Sheehan. Least Incontinant: Lauren DiFazio. Least Likely to Spontaneously Combust: There's a 457-way tie. YOU ALL WIN!

 

by kaufman
6-09-02
Non! C'est merde!
Curse you, Tommy, curse you, you lucky bastard!
How come Edison gets a glow-in-the-dark bunny, Stewart gets an invisible one, and all I, the great Van Gogh, get is this stupid one-eared rabbit?

 

by kaufman
6-10-02
Happiness is a warm gun!

 

by kaufman
6-10-02
When I hold you...
...in my arms,
And I feel my finger...
...on your trigger,
I know nobody can do me no harm because ...

 

by kaufman
6-11-02
Merry Christmas, Gabe. I sold all my pants to buy you a comb.
Merry Christmas, Boorite. I sold all my hair to buy you a belt.
I love you so much!
Let's go in and have some egg nog.

 

by kaufman
6-12-02
Saturday night at Gamma Kappa Epsilon
All right. They just did keg++.
Cool. My liver's got T1-bandwidth tonight.
Hey, good news. Otter's hacked the punch.
Really? No wonder I think I'm going to delete my cookies.
Me too. LOL. REBOOTING!
Oh man, I'm feeling so recycle-binned.

 

by kaufman
6-13-02
I can take it, Dr. Pedantic. How serious is it?
I'm sorry, fuck, but your wounds are of the mortal variety. You will not make it through the night ... Well, your body will for the most part, but it won't be metabolizing.
I was afraid of that, Doc. Listen, since you've been a good friend, I'll let you in on a secret: I've got 50 million dollars hidden in Comic 71339. Ugh, I am dyeing!
* THUD *
Dyeing? DYEING?

 

by kaufman
6-13-02
Hey, Doc, how're you doing?
A bit perturbed. Fuck was telling me with his last breath about the $50,000,000 he'd hidden in Comic 71339, when he started talking about coloring his clothes...
Pssst -- Tobor, did you here that about the money? Don't tell anyone, and we can have the loot for ourselves!
DON'T WORRY! TOBOR NEVER TELL A SINGLE SOUL ABOUT THE 50 MILLION
... And now the entire stripcreator community knows.
DOLLARS HIDDEN IN COMIC 71339.

 

by kaufman
6-13-02
o/` I'm as free as a bird, now!
All right, dude, you rock!
o/` Feelings, nothing more than feelings ....
Boooooo! You suck!
o/` Jumping Jack Flash, it's a gas-gas-gas!
Whoa, man! That's great! Encore!

 

by kaufman
6-14-02
Hey!
Nice bong, dude. Mind if I take a hit?

 

by kaufman
6-15-02
So I said, "Son, why dontcha stick yer hand in there and see if you can get them rotor turbines going agin."
Ha, ha.
What kind of prosthesis you gonna git fer him, Clem?

 

by kaufman
6-15-02
I think you know why I invited you here.
Yes, I daresay I do.
You kept Saddam propped up in power where he could continue to be a nuisance, helped provide the means by which the Taliban could rise to power ...
Well, I guess I did all that.
And you pulled all sorts of strings to get me this job. Thanks, Dad. Happy Father's Day. You're the greatest!
I love you too, son.

 

by kaufman
6-15-02
Hey there, I haven't seen you in here before. Mind if I buy you a drink?
If you think your asking will cause me to break out the confetti, you're in for a disappointment, but sure.
Bartender, get out of that interstice between the panels, and bring a toothpaste and tonic for the lady.
A toothpaste and tonic? Don't tell ...
... I'm afraid so. I was a pre-dental/music major in college.
What the fuck did you do that for? You wanted to get into MUZAK????

 

by kaufman
6-16-02
You wake me at 5:15 AM to wish me a happy Fathers' Day, and tell me you'll do anything to make my day as happy as possible.
I explain to you how I've gotten deep in debt to the Mob, and how it will be my skin if I can't get together the money within a week.
Where's the money, Master?
Do you: Give me your organs to sell to science ....... Let me sell you into slavery ....... Become the sex toys of wealthy, sadistic octogenarians .......

 

by kaufman
6-17-02
woah, hey, what in the world is happening here?
I seem to be floating in some kind of mass void...
Now, where am I supposed to give my sermon?

 

by kaufman
6-17-02
woah, hey, what the hell is happening here?
I seem to be floating in some kind of mass void...
No one may follow, This path is for my steps alone.

 

by kaufman
6-18-02
6 hours after the diagnosis ...
No protection? Ok, I can do you that way, but it will cost you an additional $800.
I don't care. Doctor says I've only got three days to live. Money means nothing to me.
70 hours after the diagnosis ...
And what can I do for you today?
Doctor, I've been puking my guts out and craving ice cream. What could be the matter?
A bit later ...
Hey, Doc, are you sure you got that diagnosis right? It's been over 71 hours, and I still feel fine.
Listen, Bongo. I need your help on a little pregnancy test ...

 

by kaufman
6-18-02
Excuse me, are you the Prince of Lies?
Of course not.
So you *are* the Prince of Lies.
Nope.

 

by kaufman
6-18-02
No, really. Are you the Prince of Lies?
No, I'm not.
And that's the truth?
Yes it is.
Aha, so you weren't lying.
I never have.

 

by kaufman
6-18-02
So, if you were the Prince of Lies, you'd be lying to me right now, no?
Look, as we both know, an unmet premise in a counterfactual renders the entire statement null and void, such that any consequent has equal validity. Capiche?
Thanks, I needed that. Now I'm thinking more clearly. You really *are* the Prince of Lies, aren't you!
Nope, not me.

 

by kaufman
6-18-02
So you're not the Prince of Lies.
That's correct.
If that's so, do you know who is the Prince of Lies?
I have no idea.
And you'd know if it really was you.
Does it look like I'd have a clue?

 

by kaufman
6-18-02
I guess I had mistaken you for someone else. I hope I didn't bother you with this line of questioning.
Not at all.
In that case, just to make things perfectly clear, are you the Prince of Lies?
NO!
And you never slept with my mother.
Never!

 

by kaufman
6-18-02
How does this happen to what seems to be your run-of-the-Mill healthy rabbit who plays Socrates up golf balls, and succeeds at other Rand-om physical activities?
Don't tell that the Hume-an condition is to be as sturdy as Plato, and our deaths Aristotally arbitrary and Locked in as it seems. We need to Kierkegaard our sanity.
How Dewey resolve the fact that our Nietzche in society is about to become vacant by this Sartrifact of our mortality? How can people let the end knOccam down?

 

by kaufman
6-19-02
Beneath the surface of the Jordan Rriver
Well, son, have you found JAAAAY-SUS yet?
Uh, no I haven't.
But look at this beauty I did find.

 

by kaufman
6-19-02
So ...
I said ...
WELL!

 

by kaufman
6-21-02
All right, boys. It's time to work on your fire-building skills.
Yippee!
Yeah, I can't wait to toast some marshmallows.
Not a campfire, you ninny. We're going to burn a bush.

 

by kaufman
6-23-02
Hello, slave. I am your new mistress.
Safeword.
Hello, I'll be your mistress today.
Safeword!
Hi. I'm your new mistress.
SAFEWORD!!!!!

 

by kaufman
6-23-02
Faster, we need to gain on the other black monoliths!
Oh, good, the hospital left some invalids by the curb. Let's hit them.
Got one! Fifty more points for us.

 

by kaufman
6-24-02
It's true! I'm actually marrying a Beatle!
Oh, I am so happy for you! Which one? I hope it's Paul, he's so dreamy.
Well, no, actually it's George.
George? But he's ...
Ohmmmm!

 

by kaufman
6-24-02
Needless to say, the_asiangirls_are_the_pawns_and_Tobor's_the_queen_due_both_to_his_strength_and_his_penchant_for_manrape
Hey_kaufman_don't_you_know_how_to_set_us_up__The_rooks_go_outside_the_knights__Better_stick_to_cards.

 

by kaufman
6-25-02
There they are, the Four Horsemen:
War, Famine, Pestilence, Death,
I want to ride the second one one!
and two of their horses

 

by kaufman
6-25-02
What are you reading, honey?
The sequel to "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus." It's called "Couples are from Saturn."
I guess that's why they buy each other rings, Phoebe. Any good insights in there?
Yeah, get a load of this, Dion: Couples who've lived together for years begin looking like one another as their relationships tighten up.
Ha ha ha!
Hee hee, yeah, right!

 

by kaufman
6-25-02
I now pronounce you man and wife and rabbit and office supply and Elder God.

 

by kaufman
6-25-02
This is awful. The hotel has paper-thin walls, and the couple next door's been fucking like crazed weasels all night. Could you bang on the wall?
I've tried ... The screwing I could deal with, but listen, they're fucking dyslexics. I HATE DYSLEXICS!!!
Oh Dog, Dog, yes, Dog, yes! Ohdogohdogohdog! YES! DOG, YES! YES-YES-YEEEESSSSSSS!
__________ HOLIDAY INN ___________ ____________ Welcome ____________ ************************************************ North American Society of Obedience Schools and Dog Trainers

 

by kaufman
6-26-02
One day at the loch...
So I said, "If you magnetize your sperm sufficiently, they'll be attracted to the earth's ferric core. Your testes will hang out from under your kilt."
Ha, ha!
I don't know where you've been, me lad, but I see you won first prize!

 

by kaufman
6-26-02
One day on #stripcreator...
Hah! I just came up with a great idea for a comic.
Let's hear it!
Ok, two cowboys are standing out in the field, and one of them rattles off some bogus scientific technobabble or something.
The other one snickers, thinks for a second, and then requests further clarification of what the first one said. What do you think?
Lame.

 

by kaufman
6-27-02
Angela, I'm afraid we'll have to lay you off.
I'm sorry, Mrs. Walker. I just ran over your cat.
Botox
Oh my god, the house is on fire!

 

by kaufman
6-28-02
Be right back, honey. I have to go to the bathroom.
o/` Lada dee, lada da, la .... GODDAMMIT!!!!
*click*
What's the matter? Are you ok?
YOU LEFT THE FUCKING SEAT UP AGAIN!!!!

 

by kaufman
6-29-02
What if fuck only spoke in limericks?
When a woman is loved by a man,
He nails her as hard as he can!
I've been raped, call the cops!
But ere long, the shock stops...
Now I want it again and again!

 

by kaufman
6-30-02
What if beer really made thyme die?
o/` Are you going to Scarborough Fair? Parsley, sage, rosemary and ... er ... SORRY!

 

by kaufman
7-01-02
Hey, forget about the boring cake and lady thing; let's play ... THE BISCUIT GAME!

 

by kaufman
7-01-02
What if Icarus were a penguin?
Here goes.
I'm flying!
Ack! The sun!

 

by kaufman
7-01-02
What if JrnymnNate were pregnant?
I've looked over your tests and your ultrasound, JrnymnNate, and everything's normal.
Really? That's wonderful!
Yes, you will soon be the proud parent of a bouncing baby ... uh, do you want to know?
Yes, please. Tell me, Doctor.
Well, in a few months, there will be a new VOWEL in your household.
It's a vowel? Thank god!

 

by kaufman
7-02-02
What if Tobor met Asimov?
RAAAR! TOBOR WILL CORNHOLE YOU!
I think not. A robot shall not harm a human being, nor through inaction cause a human to come to harm.
HMMMMMM...
RAAAR! TOBOR'S I/R SENSORS DETECT DANGEROUS E. COLI LINING YOUR ILIUM. TOBOR GIVE YOU THOROUGH CLEANING!
Gee, Thanks, Mr. Robot.

 

by kaufman
7-02-02
What if Marie Antoinette had survived?
Please, we are poor and starving.
Can't you do something for us?
I have one eye, and I must eat.
Oh, all right. Pierre, give them a piece of cake.
Oui, Your Majesty.

 

by kaufman
7-02-02
What if the Apostles were rednecks?
I think he's dead, Judas.
That's ok, he needed killin'.
Shall we take him to the cave and bury him now?
Nah, let's just put him up on a cinder block in the yard, or maybe stick him on the mailbox.

 

by kaufman
7-03-02
What if "Plan 9 from Outer Space" were written by the stripcreator gang?
...One thing's for certain: Inspector Clay's dead, murdered, and WIRTHLING SUCKS!
RAAAR! TOR WILL CORNHOLE YOU!
YOU SEE? YOU STUPID HUMANS ARE GOING TO DESTROY THE UNIVERSE AT THE SOLARONITE AND SOLARONITE MILLENIUM SOLARONITE!!!

 

by kaufman
7-03-02
How are the implants, Doc?
Completely successful, Brad. You will never have to worry about that e-reptile dysfunction again.

 

by kaufman
7-03-02
Kevin "Home Alone" McCallister now runs a home security company in Wilmette, Illinois.
Hey, I just read the new Jane's, and China's got a new portable land mine. I suggest you get yourself a few of them and...
Dorothy Gale is working as a travel agent in Salina, Kansas
First of all, taking even a small dog will result in nothing but trouble. Secondly, are you out of your mind? You can't get back to Kansas by balloon!
And of course, Harry Potter and Hedwig tour non-stop on the banquet circuit.
And let me tell you, nothing like waking up in the morning and seeing a big hooter fluttering over your face...
SQUAWK!!!!

Showing page 18.

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