All comics by mandingo

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i was just asking for more tp!
we'll try that defense, Senator Craig, but i don't think it's gonna fly
by mandingo, 8-30-07

 

by mandingo
8-30-07
lookth like the Asian Fru claimth another victim
i thinkth you mean the Avian Flu
no doctorth, despite you making funth of my speech impedimenth, i do in facth mean Asian Fru
oh no, the Asian Fru! someone alert the CDC! call the Health Department! warn the morguesth! HAHAHAHA!
two weeks later...
it was still pretty funny

 

by mandingo
8-31-07
i know it's a little creepy down here, but you'll get used to it
but i thought i heard a sucking sound coming from that top center one
it's just your imagination. there's not even a whole body in that one, just a severed head

 

by mandingo
8-31-07
here's your shirt, Ms. O'Flannerty. it's our first geriatric shirt -- designed to give older men denture-rocking orgasms, but not kill them. what do you think? "Not too dry to ride."
sonny, if i wanted to give old farts an orgasm, i could just go to Bingo and show a little stocking.
what i want is a shirt to make some young bronzed Adonis come his tootin brains out.
how about this then: "The best rides ain't waterslides!"
perfect!

 

by mandingo
8-31-07
what do you have in the bag?
i just bought all these goldfish to love
this comic is going to end badly for you then.
because you're going to try to eat them!
because paper bags don't hold water.
Guinevere? King Arthur? *shake shake*

 

by mandingo
9-01-07
hey babe, i don't know about you getting this security job. if there's ever a problem where you can't talk, just aim me some four-word sentence where the first letters spell out help
okay, that sounds good. thanks for thinking of me, babe.
rick lent me some colored pencils and paper today so i can kill some time drawing.
say goodbye casually, bitch. you's gonna get raped
He Even Lent Pencils!!! gtg bye
you already said pencils!

 

by mandingo
9-02-07
i'm sorry. i snorted copious amounts of ecstasy and seem to have hitched a plane to Africa for some reason
i'm just coming out of my fugue, you see. i have no idea what day it is, whose cat i'm holding, or even what part of Africa i'm in.
you're not understanding a word of this, are you? if you could just point me to the nearest city, or maybe a train depot?
there's a monorail station in Tomorrowland, sir

 

by mandingo
9-03-07
i keep having dreams about crashing my car into some body of water. i stay calm and get my seatbelt off, then my wife's seatbelt off. i get the window rolled down and we swim to the surface
the fact that i don't panic is how i always realize it's a dream
dick

 

by mandingo
9-03-07
tricorder readings indicate you're an 8-horned Xalian organ harvester. i'd think it was malfunctioning except you've just stolen my heart
thruster, reverse thruster, thruster, reverse thruster! full power, lassy! i'll give ya all i've got!
you are just like my home world. red all over and pon farr and away the hottest body i would ever want to find myself on

 

by mandingo
9-03-07
that fucking moolinyan is 3 weeks past due! come on, Channel 3 News!
WHERE'S MY MONEY??
i'll pay! i'll pay! just keep that goon away from me!

 

by mandingo
9-04-07
i see you have your weapon of choice for our deathmatch.
and you, yours.
but a common saw?
it'll cut through a can of tomato soup, Jack.
obviously.
touche.

 

by mandingo
9-04-07
you ever meet someone so screwed up, they can make themselves believe contradictory statements in order to satisfy some ego need?
you just described my last 3 girlfriends
you've never dated in your life
i know, i have high standards

 

by mandingo
9-04-07
this doesn't look anything like how you described this campsite when i picked you up hitchhiking, Ranger Bob
that's because things look different with my hands untied
but you said it was a nice woodsy area with a cool wind and lots of shade
the weather's much more temperate with my hands untied
and the log cabin isn't a cabin at all. it's just a shack with a shovel and a couple bags of lime
UNTIE MY GODDAMN HANDS!!

 

by mandingo
9-04-07
i wonder if it's creepy to hit on someone with 10,000 zombies outside. i could play the "we've been through a lot together" card, i suppose, but doesn't that cheapen what we have indeed been through?
wanna fuck?
oh yeah.

 

by mandingo
9-05-07
help!
Darwinism talks about natural selection, but isn't there also "self" selection?
Help!
if you don't put yourself into dangerous situations, aren't you more likely to survive and reproduce, and thus self-selecting?
Luigi! HEEEEEEEEEELP!
it's funny how philosophical one becomes when faced with an 800-pound barrel-wielding gorilla

 

by mandingo
9-06-07
where you going?
i'm leaving you, Jerry. i hate living in a giant tomato
but it's cherry!

 

by mandingo
9-06-07
*sniff sniff*
THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE!
sweet mother of pearl! i didn't even see you there!
GLARGLE BRAG GLA!!!
MY THROAT!

 

by mandingo
9-06-07
we're going to die, aren't we?
no, the rescue team should be back any minute
but it's so cold
i'd lend you my jacket, but i already lent it to the bear
what bear?
the one the rescue team choppered out of here

 

by mandingo
9-07-07
I love you! I can't stop thinking about you! And it's all your DEFAULT!
giggle Oh you...you're so Brad!
I stuffed asiangirl1 in a dumpster! I have to be near you! My love is all consuming!
But that would mean the new default is...

 

by mandingo
9-07-07
*THUMP THUMP THUMP THUMP THUMP THUMP*
schadenfreude much?
*THUMP THUMP THUMP THUMP THUMP THUMP*
what do you mean? running over the Tour de France was a complete accident!
*THUMP THUMP THUMP THUMP THUMP THUMP*
i believed that through the first two stages.

 

by mandingo
9-08-07
you're a pretty attractive piece of bacon
excuse me one moment.
HIPPY GONNA RAPE ME!!!
please continue.

 

by mandingo
9-08-07
i don't see him, Baconman
see who?
that Hippy who was trying to rape you
oh, is that what you've been standing guard for?
come back to bed, loooooover.

 

by mandingo
9-11-07
i've come a long way, my foe. battled many enemies.
but no foe, dragon or otherwise, will keep me from completing my quest!
i was raised in a small village, but i always knew i was destined for great things. you see, as a child...
four. hours.

 

by mandingo
9-11-07
that was awesome!
you don't remember me, do you?
no... should i?
when i was 16, you took my virginity, and gave me herpes. i enjoyed the experience so much i sought you out after all these years to give you something in return
*SLAM*

 

by mandingo
9-13-07
where are you taking me, SaviorBot?
boop
you just stabbed that gentleman in the throat, SaviorBot!
boop
LET'S RAPE THAT BITCH AGAIN, SAVIORBOT!
boop

 

by mandingo
9-13-07
idle hands are the devil's playthings!
Rebecca, my darling, i'm home! more than once i thought i'd met my end, but the mere thought of you kept me alive!
oh, John! i love you so much! and we're going to be parents, John! you're going to be a daddy!
time for dinner, sweety. put your schoolhouse set away.

 

by mandingo
9-13-07
i think it's over between us, Beth. your 30-second memory is annoying as hell
you insensitive fuck! you think i like being like this?? goodbye forever!
hi, I'm Beth.

 

by mandingo
9-14-07
i wonder why they call this place Planet Hulk. from the smell of it, i'd have called it Planet Balls

 

by mandingo
9-17-07
Captain Bathroom, help! my parents have been kidnapped!
okay, little girl! we have to work fast! now tell me--where in this bathroom are they?!
what? they're not here! they're being held at the old warehouse!
okay, then here's what we do! you stop yanking old Captain Bathroom's handle and chain and go find Captain Warehouse! i'll take a meaty shit in the stall that still has a door! on three!
Captain Bathroom!!
jurisdiction issue.

 

by mandingo
9-18-07
gather around, children! i'm giving an underwater puppet show in my van!
sounds like fun!
Timmy, he's just a well-hung black man that wants you to get in his van so he can rape your tiny white ass.
what part of "fun" didn't you understand exactly?
you worry me sometimes, little man.

 

by mandingo
9-18-07
THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!
BLARGLE FUCK YOUR MOTHER'S PUSSY BLARG ARGLE!
oops, we're reading each other's lines.
well, isn't my face and the bottom of my penny loafers red!
HAHAHA!
see! i'm a fun guy!

 

by mandingo
9-20-07
i don't wanna!
it's god's will, young Timothy. now swallow my junk and go BrRrRrRr
help, Captain Fantastic! he's gonna rape me!
Captain Fantastic is no doubt far too busy with the personal affairs of his altar ego to hear you, Timothy.
did you say altar ego?
SHOWTIME!

 

by mandingo
9-21-07
before our session ends, let me ask your opinion as a psychiatrist. if i had multiple personalities, would it count as an orgy every time i had sex with someone?
that entire statement's built on a faulty premise.
that multiple personalities count as multiple people?
that anyone would have sex with you! HAHAHAHA HAHAHAHA HAHAHAHA!
please continue.

 

by mandingo
9-21-07
*chew chew*
you just ate the murder victim. that was kind of all the evidence we had, seeing how you'd already eaten the gun, ski mask, and that unlucky junior detective that wandered too close.
*chew chew*
here's an idea. why not save some time and just eat the entire crime scene.
*chew chew*
smart ass.

 

by mandingo
9-24-07
yes, kill, my puppet, KILL!
must kill. must kill.
kill them all, KILL THEM ALL!
kill them all. kill them... ooo! Denny's!
lumberjack slam, LUMBERJACK SLAM!
tip poorly. tip poorly.

 

by mandingo
9-25-07
Ay! Mi rabo es grande!
*glorp glorp*
I'm home! I blew every Pedro with a Peso so we have more than enough money for blow and... CHRIST GOD JESUS!!
It's not what it looks like!
Unless it looks like I was making hot sloppy to the monkey suit.

 

by mandingo
9-25-07
i hope this house goes better than the last one.
excuse me, sir, but have you found Englosity?
i usually find some between my shower tiles, you english FUCK! you green-teethed limey! YOU CUNTING BRITISH DOUCHE!
way better.

 

by mandingo
9-26-07
we found this under a piece of equipment we installed 30 years ago
i'm so sorry we didn't get it to you while you were still alive
*sniff* you could have already been a winner.

 

by mandingo
9-26-07
how'd i get into this profession? i told my guidance counselor i liked kids.
same here!
yeppers.

 

by mandingo
9-27-07
what are you doing?
i've got monkey ass!
monkey ass?
you know - monkey ass! when you didn't quite wipe well enough so now it's a slip and slide down there!
sounds annoying
i've never felt more alive!

 

by mandingo
9-27-07
hey, Thomas.
monkey ass!
that some kind of racial slur?
no, not you! me! i've got monkey ass!
what's that?
imagine plate tectonics in apple butter!

 

by mandingo
9-30-07
what's that?
that's the robot sheller
what's it do?
it puts the exterior metal plates on the finished robot so that none of its electronics are exposed
be careful not to get too close

 

by mandingo
10-01-07
i think i just threw up a little in my mouth
can you break a $20?

 

by mandingo
10-01-07
i was thinking-- since we both want to ask that new girl in accounting out, we should Evens & Odds for it.
dig it.
wait, we forgot to say who was Evens and who was Odds
i'll be generous and say you were Evens since it's called sloppy seconds and since i banged her half an hour ago in your Camry

 

by mandingo
10-02-07
you're breaking up with me? why? you found out i slept with your sister, didn't you?
did your mom tell you? i knew i shouldn't have let her join in
or was it your dad? he insisted on blowing me while your nana licked out my asshole. so? who spilled the beans?
Channel 12 News. Piggly Wiggly has security cameras

 

by mandingo
10-02-07
what the hell's going on, Pete?
they stocked the lake with walleyes.

 

by mandingo
10-02-07
how was the ballgame?
in October of 2007, WiguNeal asked his longtime friend IndyPete whether he'd enjoyed going to the baseball game.
what's wrong with IndyPete?
you didn't hear? he got hit in the head with a foul ball. ever since, he's been talking like Behind the Music
hey, man, i just heard about the accident. i'm so sorry.
later that day, having heard about IndyPete's blunt head trauma, WiguNeal expressed his condolences. IndyPete was deeply touched by this, but in the end decided to keep sleeping with WiguNeal's wife

 

by mandingo
10-03-07
if i stab enough German people, do you think we'll win World War II?
we did win World War II
will it increase how many runs we won by?
what?
will it get Hogan's Heroes out of syndication?
you're scaring me

 

by mandingo
10-04-07
just by simple budgeting, you can save $100s of dollars a month. $100s! here's what you do-- make two columns. title one "Legitimate Costs" and the other "Hollow Costs."
an example of a Hollow Cost might be fast food, or an ebay purchase. my particular downfall is Juicy Juice. it's so much cheaper to buy dry mix. so Juice (Dried) goes in Legitimate Costs
no Juice (Dried) in the Hollow Costs

 

by mandingo
10-04-07
you know what God would have created, if he wasn't such a miserly FUCK? piesicle. freeze a pie, jam a stick in it. that so hard, you omnipotent jew bastard?
let me set the record straight. i read Da Vinci Code and let me tell you something, right here and now-- he was totally hitting that. a man's got needs. i know i do. your sons know i do too.
people on the right side of the church. you're skins. 21, win by 2. make it, take it, after 3.
people on the left side of the church--ETERNAL DAMNATION! HAHAHA! seriously! yes, i can do that, Ms. Clarkson! check Leviticus, you old cow!
best. sermon. ever.

Showing page 18.

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