All comics by ivytheplant

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by ivytheplant
2-13-05
Welcome to Windows XP!
ACK! There's something wrong with my computer!
It has a Windows logo and the icons are on the left hand side and there's two mouse buttons and and...what's wrong with it!?
It's a Windows PC, remember?
Oh yeah...
Goddamn Mac people...

 

by ivytheplant
2-13-05
So...about that thingie with the thingie...
Sigh, left click for normal functions, right click brings up the menu options.
Oh, like clicking and holding my Mac mouse...
Yes, Ivy, just like that. /patronization
Wait, I already knew that.
You're pretending to be dumb for the sake of the comic, aren't you?

 

by ivytheplant
2-13-05
Are you seriously going to put the new computer on your desk?
Where else would I put it? There's no room anywhere else.
I just don't think it's a good idea to put a Mac and PC side by side.
Yeah, I am a bit afraid Kwannon will try to incinerate the new computer. She tends to get jealous.
Um...jealous?
Well, how would you feel if you had to compete with a younger computer? And one that still has a warranty. I know I'd have a hard time fighting temptation.

 

by ivytheplant
2-13-05
Awww, did that mean ol' PC make fun of you? Well, don't listen to it. You are the best computer ever!
*purrr*
You're ten times the computer it is! You're such a good computer! Yes you are! Yes you are! Yes you a--
*purrr*
If I hadn't seen it with my own eyes, I would never have believed it. You are officially a freak.
Don't listen to him. He's just jealous 'cause you're smarter than his computer.

 

by ivytheplant
2-18-05
Okay, so I've rebooted the computer. Now what?
Now you need to go to DOS and type these commands...
Two hours later...you think I'm kidding?
Okay, the PC is finally working. Now the Mac needs hooked up to the new DSL modem..
Plug the Mac's ethernet cable to the modem.
Gotcha.
Okay, you're ready to go. Any more questions?

 

by ivytheplant
2-18-05
Heaven on Earth
And then I--AAAIIIEEEE!!
Flame on.
Reality
You know, I think you should have kids. I mean, you aren't really a person until you spread your seed, so to speak. I know that I...
o/^ Mozart's "Piano sonata No. 5" o/^
The Bowels of Hell
So after he removed his tongue, he had the gall to insert his foot into my--
AAAIIIEEEE!!!

 

by ivytheplant
2-18-05
Is there something you aren't telling me?
Only that Loretta's been foolin' around with Mr. Ott down at the gas station, but you knew that already, I'm sure.
Actually, I mean the cases of firearms in the gym.
Oh that. Well, the senior class decided to get matching custom shotguns with the school logo rather than rings this year. The orders arrived today.
Dreams of a violent regime change once again shattered by the reality of The South.
Personally, I'm proud of them. They have such school spirit!

 

by ivytheplant
2-18-05
I seem to be lost. Can you tell me where the high school is?
This is it, fella!
Are you sure? The parking lot's filled with pickup trucks adorned with gun racks and...
Please don't tell me that's the future of this country.
I'm the principal!

 

by ivytheplant
2-18-05
The language.
Hey thar, Marylou! I shot me sum possum jest now. Be a gal 'n fitch it fer me!
Boy howdy, pappy! Wur gunna have urselves a feast t'nite!
The culture.
Hey thar, Marylou! I shot me sum possum jest now. Be a gal 'n fitch it fer me!
Boy howdy, pappy! Wur gunna have urselves a feast t'nite!
The cuisine.
Hey thar, Marylou! I shot me sum possum jest now. Be a gal 'n fitch it fer me!
Boy howdy, pappy! Wur gunna have urselves a feast t'nite!

 

by ivytheplant
2-19-05
I'm going to fall. There's nothing I can do about it. What an odd feeling.
I suppose I could try and stop myself, but that would probably make things worse. I don't need more crap to clean up.
Well that was fun. Thank goodness no one witnessed it.

 

by ivytheplant
2-22-05
Happy Birthday! Time to rise and shine you old codger!
ZZzzzz--
ARGH!
No one wakes me before noon on my birthday.
Feed me now.
With a few exceptions...

 

by ivytheplant
2-22-05
So, looks like we have nothing to do for a couple hours.
That's because our awesomeness is so great we finished it all early. I'm going to make a mess and then clean it up.
How can people be against stem cell research? I just can't understand them!
...
It's not like we're pulling two year-olds off the playground and saying "Sorry, kid, we need your stem cells!" Fucking morons!
I love you...

 

by ivytheplant
2-22-05
Hey, how goes the fun in toys?
Well, I'm getting there. That's about it.
"Attention associates! I have a 1412 Level One! I need all floor associates and members of management to the front to help check!"
Oy vey.
God damnit! This is why I can never get any fucking thing done! I spend all day on one little fucking project they told me to do...
...And I can't even finish it because they keep calling a fucking bogus Level one! Well screw 'em! I'm not going!
Amen. Over my dead body, etc etc. By the way, did I tell you that I love you?

 

by ivytheplant
2-26-05
We need efficiency! I'm whipping this lazy store into shape!
Yes sir!
Before I forget, tell all the employees they can't use shopping carts to move their freight. Those are for customers only.
So, what should I tell them when they ask what should be used?
They'll have to either carry boxes one by one from the pallet to the shelf or use one of five rocket carts that seem never to be available.
Of course.

 

by ivytheplant
2-26-05
We need efficiency! I'm whipping this lazy store into shape!
Yes sir!
Before I forget, find a few employees who can babysit my son during their shift on Saturday.
Okay...

 

by ivytheplant
2-26-05
Give me that thingie.
Look, kid, I need this to do my job. The one your dad is paying me to do.
Dad said I'm the store manager today. Give it here.
Goddamnit.
I've just been bested by a child.
Now you know how I felt when you took my equipment from me this morning. Excuse me while I go laugh at your misery.

 

by ivytheplant
2-26-05
Hey, it's starting to look like a garden center in here!
Um, thanks?
Did I just hear him right?
Yup, it's "starting" to look like a garden center.
I guess all those plants we've been carrying all year were just a hobby.
Sure fooled me.

 

by ivytheplant
2-26-05
The garden center is going to start getting really busy now. Hire two more people and transfer the ICS manager to garden.
Yes sir! Overcoverage during slow shifts is a good thing, sir!
Oh yeah, get rid of everyone in the furniture department. Tell the nerds in electronics they're responsible for it now.
Can nerds repeatedly lift 70 lbs?

 

by ivytheplant
3-01-05
This is Daniel.
*creepy stare that's almost, but not quite ogling*
?
He's a short, Spanish kid with some interesting ideas about himself.
*creepier smile that's almost, but not quite betraying kinky sex thoughts, accentuated by cheesy mustache*
!
Really interesting.
I am really a Transsylvanian warlock. I hab amassing powerss.
Note to self: Avoid this exit.

 

by ivytheplant
3-01-05
This is [name forgotten].
Hello! *waves*
She's a redhead with a lazy eye.
Sigh.
Who has a reaction time worse than a startled quadriplegic.
Hello!

 

by ivytheplant
3-01-05
This is Marilyn
Morning!
Good morning!
She hates the cold and loves Wal-Mart with all her being.
Afternoon!
Have a nice day!
I have worked almost every shift and have not once seen her leave.
Middle of...the...night?
Welcome to Wal-Mart!

 

by ivytheplant
3-01-05
More about Marilyn.
Hey, I just need a couple carts.
Do you want to learn sign language?
She likes to talk. A lot. She can ramble on about anything.
Well, I--
Take this paper and learn. This means "hello." Did you hear about that dead body they found in New York?
But is unable to form coherent transitions.
I need to--
I'm really looking forward to summer. It's too cold. You should put on a jacket. Wasps are bad.

 

by ivytheplant
3-01-05
This is the Door Nazi.
Great, I just HAD to leave this exit.
You must prove yourself worthy to pass!
She takes everything way too seriously.
Look, I just have a box of Kleenex.
Empty all your bags you thieving scum!
Thankfully, there's more than one exit.
Happy now? Let me go you psychotic bitch!
You didn't swipe your discount card! You did not save! Go back and do it right or I'll eat your children's children's children's children!

 

by ivytheplant
3-02-05
Previously, on Stripcreator: No Good Men?...
There's no good men around anymore that like to cuddle and be with the women they love all the time. Let's be lesbians!
Sigh...
4 months later...
You know that comic you made where you complained that women think there's no good men left and they might as well be lesbians so good men like you are stuck with no women?
Um...yeah.
Did it ever occur to you that we aren't psychic? I mean, a little verbal communication goes a long way, asshole.
Uhoh...

 

by ivytheplant
3-04-05
Is it me, or is the Garden Center a lot more peaceful today than the past week?
It does seem that way, despite the inventory going on.
I wonder what's different?
Well, the boss is here so that's not it.
I got it: it's Keith's day off.
So that's why I was productive today!

 

by ivytheplant
3-04-05
8AM:
Uhoh, I can feel my productivity slipping...
Hey, Kaaat. Do ya need any help or somethin'?
11AM:
Finally, I have a project to keep me plenty busy until lunch. As long as no one bothers me...
Hey, Kaaat. Ya look like you need some help there. Let me move these boxes over here for ya.
1PM:
Just one more hour til lunch. Please let me have some peace and quiet...
Hey, Kaaat. What'cha doin'? Kat? Kat?? Hey Kat?

 

by ivytheplant
3-04-05
Almost done with this project and I can reward myself with a break. Woohoo!
Hey, Kaaat. Ya look like ya need some help there.
GAH! No! I don't need help! I'm fine, okay! Go find something else to do. Lord knows we have plenty!
Hey Kaaat, I'm gonna go put these on the endcap for ya, okay?
No! They don't go there! Stop moving things! And stop saying my name! You're corrupting it's elegant simplicity and making me be annoyed of my own name!
Hey Kaaat, I think we can fit those pots over there so I'm gonna go move them there, okay Kat?

 

by ivytheplant
3-04-05
If there is a god, He will keep me hidden.
What are you doing under that box?
I'm hiding from Keith. He keeps taking over all my projects and doing them all wrong so I get in trouble and have to do them over again.
Speak for yourself. He just ruined a whole day's work for me too.
"Hey, Kaaat..."
For the love of Anything! Just kill him, please!?
Normally I'd say "What's in it for me?" but this will be a pleasure.

 

by ivytheplant
3-04-05
Jorge doesn't like me. That's why he demoted me from manager. But that's okay, I like the work here and don't mind staying, right Kat?
NNNOOOO!!!!!
Well, back to work. Hey, Kaaat, looks like ya need help moving those boxes, there.
!$^&*@#?@#&*#@!!
If you truly are a benevolent ruler, you will incinerate that obnoxious clod on the spot.
Let me go ask what Mr. Sam would do and I'll get back to you.

 

by ivytheplant
3-04-05
Simple clerks shouldn't have a nemesis.
o/^ "Zonging, zonging, over the open sea..." o/^
There's nothing I do (at work) that should possibly make me such a target.
o/^ "Something something la da da dee dee..." o/^
And yet, one exists...
So, you gonna help me or what?
GAH!

 

by ivytheplant
3-05-05
I wish you had seeds out in January.
Actually we did. Middle of January. That rack right over there.
Yeah, but you don't ever have anything good. It's just the same crap everyplace else has.
Well if you're looking for something a generic discount store doesn't carry, I suggest Richter's. They have just about anything you could want.
Oh I won't use them. I don't like the way they mail their plants.
Gasp! My nemesis, Whiny Impossible To Please Who Just Wants To Complain Woman! We meet again!

 

by ivytheplant
3-05-05
My nemesis, Whiny Impossible To Please Who Just Wants To Complain Woman
I won't use Richter's. I don't like the way they ship plants.
They have some of the best methods of protecting plants during shipment than any other place. Certainly much better than us.
Well, they don't carry seeds.
They have seeds for every plant they sell. Some plants you can only get as seeds.
But they don't have bulk seeds. This place in Missouri, where I used to live, had bins of seeds you could get by the pound.
I bet if you bothered to ask someone rather than make assumptions, you could probably get whatever the fuck you wanted from Richter's. Whiny bitch.

 

by ivytheplant
3-05-05
My nemesis, Whiny Impossible To Please Who Just Wants To Complain Woman
I wish Wal-Mart carried seeds by the pound. You never have what I need.
We cater to individual gardeners. Not farms.
If I had a nursery, I wouldn't shop here because you don't have anything.
I guess it helps that the nurseries are the ones that send us our houseplants, rather than vise versa.
You need more watercress. I had to buy every package because you don't sell seeds by the pound.
Have you noticed that this is Wyoming? Watercress doesn't exactly grow too well here, without an expensive special setup. Dumb bitch.

 

by ivytheplant
3-05-05
My nemesis, Whiny Impossible To Please Who Just Wants To Complain Woman
I guess I'll go then since you never have what I need.
It's about damn time. Whiny bitch.
o/^ "You can run away/but you can't escape/all these wicked games..." o/^
A week later...
I wish you carried orangutan skulls. You never have what I need.
Mother#$%&*@!!

 

by ivytheplant
3-05-05
Evahree one, meet my dahtor, Parfait.
Isn't that a dessert?
Well, the mom is named "Scholastique."
Suddenly, "Alfred" doesn't seem too bad.

 

by ivytheplant
3-06-05
While reading the Letters section of the Wal-Mart Daily News:
"I think a place like this, where everyone is very nice to each other and makes sure that everyone has everything they need, shouldn't be called Wal-Mart..."
Satan-Mart? Evil-Mart? Devil-Mart?
"...it should be called Utopia-Mart."
Wal-Mart is...Utopia? Suddenly, I feel lightheaded...
"Justin Moreau, Corporate Accouting, Bentonville, Arkansas."
Oooh! NOW it makes perfect sense!

 

by ivytheplant
3-06-05
1. While this is a very laid-back town, traffic laws are still in effect. So if you cut in front of me and I hit you, I get your money.
Damn! Those Greys Gable residents are too fast for me to smash into their lane-cutting, left turning in front of, shiny new car asses!
2. It's okay to go over 20 mph through town.
ARGH! I was going to be a few minutes early for work today! Now I'm ten minutes late! Fucking morons!
3. The proper time to make a left turn is when the light is green. Yellow is also permitted. It is NOT proper to start turning once the light has changed to red.
If there's an accident, I get dibs on the organs.

 

by ivytheplant
3-14-05
Jeez, I don't get you. It's just a little nose piercing. You'll get to like it.
Y- God fucking damn. You are lacking a few brain cells. Would you "get to like it" if I chopped off my fucking arm just to be trendy?
*wooshing noise and fanfare*
Before you make a further ass of yourself with your lame retorts, answer me this: Will your arm grow back?
Um...no. Duh.
Small gauge piercings in muscles will seal invisibly almost instantly. Your correlation therefore is pointless and adds nothing but lameness to the conversation. I have Spoken.
Must...fight...against ...her...witty...logic!

 

by ivytheplant
3-14-05
No, because, well, y'know, the pleasure thing.
Yeah, see, that whole "pleasure thing"? It's meant for guys. I suppose once all my teeth have been knocked out I'd give good blowjobs.
*wooshing noise and fanfare*
I'm back and I'm not sure where to begin with that comment.
Uhoh.
So, are you so dense that you think a tongue piercing will only pleasure a man? Seriously, what's next? Vibrators only work on a man's ass?
Oh no! Bested by a (charmingly witty) woman!

 

by ivytheplant
3-14-05
You know, there are cultures who value piercings not only as a representative of their culture, but as marks of valor, rights of passage, etc.
Good for them. Last I checked the 15 year olds getting belly button piercings and bolts through the tongue weren't part of those cultures.
Very true, but standards of beauty differ greatly from person to person. Whether or not it's done to follow a trend, a person may get it to feel beautiful.
I stand my ground.
Why don't you just admit it's simply your opinion that piercings and tattoos aren't attractive on women just as it's simply my opinion that beards aren't attractive on men?
You don't like beards? What's wrong with you? Fa-REAK!

 

by ivytheplant
3-14-05
Okay, okay, fine. How about you just get your penis done?
Yeah, that sounds like horrible agony. Great idea!
*wooshing noise and fanfare*
...
Well, aren't you going to point out my so-called lame arguments?
No, I agree with you on this one. That chick is whack.
Victory is mine!

 

by ivytheplant
3-14-05
Hey, wanna go out for a bite?
Nah, you know, I'm busy and all, with work, and stuff...
Um, okay.
Besides, you know, you're not really my type and all.
Dude, it's lunch. Not a wedding.
Oooo! I think I hear my football buddies calling! Gotta run!

 

by ivytheplant
3-14-05
Hey, wanna go out for a bite?
You're not really my type.
Explain.
You're too short, brunette, smart, physically strong, confident, and curvy.
Would you like a backhoe to help you dig this hole you're in?
But you have big boobs, so good for you! Keep trying!

 

by ivytheplant
3-14-05
Hey, wanna go out for a bite?
I'm married.
No you're not.
Gay.
Sorry, I don't buy it.
Have too much on my plate?

 

by ivytheplant
3-14-05
So...interested in dinner?
You're married.
I wanna fuck you like an animal.
I'm married!
LOLOMGWTF???!1!1!11
I'm married to the concept of spelling and grammar.

 

by ivytheplant
3-14-05
Are you sure about this?
Yeah, yeah, just move it over...
Here?
No, no. That's my mouth. I mean here.
Oh. Ooooh! Interesting. I've never fucked a piercing before.
Yeah, glad I stretched them out, eh?

 

by ivytheplant
3-16-05
[search completed]
Okay, despite all my attempts otherwise, this CD requires some Phil Collins, so I'll just click "download" and--
[AAAIIIIEEEE!!!]
Goddamnit! Not again!
I think I'll go to the campus lab to finish.

 

by ivytheplant
3-22-05
Hey, do you have cock?
No, but he might.
Hey, do you have cock?
Erm...
He wanted caulk not cock!
I thought you were more qualified to answer that.

 

by ivytheplant
3-23-05
Noon: Finally decide to get my ass in gear to replace the worn treads on the steps.
1PM: After way too much effort, straining, and crushing, I realize the treads my landlady bought just won't fit.
1:15PM: I set out all over town to find some that will.

 

by ivytheplant
3-23-05
2ishPM: $50 later, I finally have some treads that will work.
I promptly set about replacing the old ones.
3PM: After much effort, I finally give in and call a friend to borrow her staple gun so I can actually secure the treads on the underside of the steps.

Showing page 19.

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