All comics by DoktorSeven

Profile

 

by DoktorSeven
8-31-05
Hi.
Welcome to New New Orleans!
UNDERSEA PARTY!!!

 

by DoktorSeven
9-03-05
Let's face it. There's no other news you want to hear besides more about the hurricane.
At least, not until the next big story about some runaway bride, child murdering parent, or terrorist threat comes along.
Excellent, Richard. My plan to pervert the minds of these easily influenced Americans is working. I WILL RULE THE EARTH!!!
Cool. Let's fuck to celebrate, honey dumpling!

 

by DoktorSeven
1-21-06
So wait a second, you mean I'm pregnant with Cthulhu's child AGAIN? But I didn't even...
Ahem, well, it seems as if this "Cthulhu" deposited so much sperm inside you that there were still some inside you to this day.
Oh, God, that's disgusting...
Well, if you don't WANT the child, I'll be MORE THAN HAPPY to help!
A few hours later...
Are you sure you're okay, doctor? I didn't realize it'd be that ferocious at 3 weeks...
Oh... sure... fine... $2500... before I faint...

 

by DoktorSeven
1-22-06
It's time for "Ask DoktorSeven Anything". Today's letter comes from little Julie Parks, age 11. She writes:
"Dear DoktorSeven: Will you have sex with me?" Well, Julie, you're only eleven, and I don't believe DoktorSeven would...
DoktorSeven?
What's that address? I'm packed and ready to go.

 

by DoktorSeven
1-24-06
Must... resist...
temptation... ah screw it.
LEEEEEEEEEEEROY mmJENKINS!!!!!!

 

Um, why are you driving a nail into your head?
Someone wanted to get me a cell phone, and I figured I'd just save them the trouble and damage my brain the easy way.
by DoktorSeven, 1-24-06

 

by DoktorSeven
1-25-06
Can I help... oh, shit.
Yes, I'd like MY SECOND CHILD RETURNED TO ME!
Too late, it's... gone. Aborted.
Aborted, huh? That's what YOU think!
My heart... so it was you... growing... inside... urk...
mmm, hart good

 

by DoktorSeven
1-27-06
This is what happens when I can't come up with a comic idea.
OKAY! FINE! We're having HOT SEX down here! That's what you all WANT, RIGHT?!
Stop talking and get busy, yo.

 

by DoktorSeven
1-28-06
Let's see, I need bread, milk, condoms...
Um, hi. Sorry, you are dead.
What? But I'm... I mean...
Eating that condom sandwich with a huge fucking glass of milk made your stomach explode.
...oh. It was tasty though.

 

by DoktorSeven
1-28-06
So I says, "Well, Cthulhu ain't gonna impregnate that girl by itself!"
Ha Ha!
OH GOD, IT'S EATING OUR TURBINE GRAVITONS!
mmm fisics good

 

by DoktorSeven
1-28-06
The main problem with the scope of human suffering is the conflict of the idealogical pathos combined with the excess of human cravings toward euphoria...
and the need of our base id to place our own exuberance above the common human goal of mass acceptance of interdependencies and multicultural unilateralistic diexymotogomy.
I gotta go potty.

 

by DoktorSeven
1-30-06
oo r yu
I am the first Cthulhu-spawn, child. I was sent to China, but I have returned to destroy the United States of America, just as my Father wants!
me kan destoy too, see?
... impressive, young one. I see you have much potential.
To be continued...
mmm merica
Mmm, America.

 

by DoktorSeven
1-31-06
So I says, ... OH MY GOD, A BABY'S EATING MY SPLEEN!!!
... I don't get it... AAHHHHHH GOD YES I DO, MY FUCKING SPLEEN!!!! AAAAAAARRGH!
mmm speen
Damn straight.
"Get plenty of sleep tonight, Lesser Cthulhu-Spawn... for tomorrow you and I attack this vile city and get revenge on our mother! AHAHAHH!!!"
To be continued... HEY, quit looking at me like that, you perv.

 

by DoktorSeven
2-02-06
we r bak
Hello, Mother.
?
we kil u now
To be continued, yeah, you know the drill by now
Your final day on this earth has come, vile woman. Die.
...shit.

 

by DoktorSeven
2-03-06
11100101110101 0101101 0110110 1110101 00110!
Ha ha!
What the fuck are you talking about?

 

by DoktorSeven
2-04-06
... my home... my city... what have you done?
It is now time for you to die. You have witnessed the destruction of all you hold dear, and now I and the second Cthulhu-spawn will dine on your flesh tonight! AHAHA... huh? Who...
...Father?
Wait, my child. While it is good that you destroy others, you must not destroy...
my BRIDE! Tomorrow, you and I will MARRY, and produce MORE children to destroy the United States of America! BWAHAHAHAH!!
Um, kids... I've changed my mind. You can go ahead and kill me now.

 

by DoktorSeven
2-05-06
"...if anyone has any reason why these two should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace..."
Shit.
Oh, yeah, baby.
"I HAVE A REASON, FUCKERS!"
...what the... oh, no. No. Not...
WHAT?!

 

by DoktorSeven
2-07-06
"...not Xr..."
How dare you interrupt our wedding, you freak.
Ah, but you see, she and I are already married!
*GASP*
WHAT? I have had two children with her. Where have YOU been?
I'm PRESIDENT OF THE GALAXY, you tentacled fuck. What, do you think I'd waste all my time on this crappy planet? I simply stopped by to take what is mine...
"...her!"
Um, kids... my spleen is really tasty. Kill me. Now.

 

by DoktorSeven
2-08-06
You little one-eyed freak. I am CTHULHU. You have no chance against me!
Oh, yeah? Try me, you ugly fuck.
"Hey, kids... dinnertime."
mmm alen
It looks... delicious.
HA ! Now NOTHING can stop this wedding...
HOLY FUCK, MY ENDOGABLFLATCHET!

 

by DoktorSeven
2-09-06
HAHA JESUS IS A TOOL OF THE STUPID AND IGNORANT!!!!11
He is stupid and weak, and cause people to hate and do evil, bad, terrible things. He sucks.
Hey, religious people: stop being stupid. Thanks.
See, Muslims? LAUGH, you ignorant heathens!
Here's a concept for you -- how about GOD DOESN'T EXIST SO STOP WASTING YOUR TIME ON SUCH IDIOTIC BULLSHIT!

 

by DoktorSeven
2-09-06
And do you take this elder being to be your lawfully wedded husband?
Fuck no.
Listen, bitch. You either go through with this or I will get your children to eat your brains.
Go ahead. I'd rather die than go through with this marriage!
"Very well... Spawn #2... kill her."
mmm brans

 

by DoktorSeven
2-09-06
What in the hell...
WHAT? WHAT THE HELL JUST HAPPENED????

 

by DoktorSeven
2-09-06
"My children! DEAD! WHO IS RESPONSIBLE!!! I, CTHULHU, WILL DEVOUR YOU!!!"
You dare not. This world is mine, Cthulhu. Your spawn could not continue to exist.
Damn you. This isn't over. She is still mine, and I WILL find a way to rule this planet through her!
And so...
So I bet you're glad all of that is over with, huh?
Shut up and take your clothes off.

 

by DoktorSeven
2-11-06
"Windows Vista will be faster, more secure, more stable, have MORE FEATURES, oh, and you can play HALO 2!!!"
Shut up. I use Linux.
"But you can't play Halo 2 on Linux! Get MICROSOFT WINDOWS VISTA! It's better, we promise!"
That's what you said about Windows 95, 98, 98 2nd Edition, ME, 2000, XP, and Server 2003. And there are STILL horrible viruses on Windows.
BUY WINDOWS OR I WILL KILL YOU!
People who run Windows are already dead inside.

 

by DoktorSeven
2-12-06
Spoilers ahead. Not like it matters.
You gots the Geostigma, Cloud, and we wants our mama, bitch.
OH NOES! .. what the fuck is Geosphigma?
RAR I am big mean summoned monster, and I'm gonna destroy this city if you don't give me your MAMA!
NOES! I CUTS YOU IN YOUR HEAD!!! AHAHAH! We wins again!
Holy crap, that movie sucked.
Now I change to Sephiro... URK, YOU KILL ME.
YAY! I SAVED THE EARTH!... god, that was pointless. Can I at least go bang Tifa now?

 

by DoktorSeven
2-13-06
Remember, kids, it's not nice to look at little girl's panties.
....I think my balls are bleeding....

 

...Dick Cheney.
AHAHAHAHAHH!!!!!
by DoktorSeven, 2-14-06

 

by DoktorSeven
2-17-06
Blog entry:
So now both of my kids are dead, and Cthulhu is nowhere to be found. Is this terrible, nightmarish chapter of my life finally over?
Can I go back to school, have a job, and live a normal life now? Will these events hang over me like a dark shadow, affecting my life with their dark memory?
Though, I think, no matter how hard I try, I can never be really normal...
Come ON! Stop typing and get naked!

 

by DoktorSeven
2-18-06
"Oh, Cthulhu, I love you and I want to have another baby with you!!!"
"You're so hot and a major stud! Hell, I want another 72 babies with you!"
Cthulhu gets lonely and plays with his doll...
"KISS ME CTHULHU!!!" Okay! *kiss kiss kiss*

 

by DoktorSeven
2-19-06
And the young delivery boy was never heard from again.
Um, I'm sorry, but this order of blood and eyes of newt is Cash On Delivery, so you aren't gonna get it until I get my $75.

 

by DoktorSeven
2-21-06
Blog post: Well, I'm pregnant *again*, but at least this time it's not Cthulhu's. Just some stupid one night stand with...
So, like, does this mean we're married? Cause I'm *so* outta here, man.
I was really, really drunk, okay? Good thing I know another abortion doctor...
HOLY FUCK, THE INVISIBLE CHICKENS ARE AFTER ME AGAIN!!!

 

by DoktorSeven
2-22-06
Uh, hey.
...what the hell do you want?
Um, nothin... erm, I heard you're pregnant again... is it mine?
First of all, no, it is NOT yours -- I had all your gross... stuff... cleaned out after the second one was aborted. And secondly, I aborted this one too. I never want to see you again, Cthulhu...
...I've been practicing my tentacle techniques...
Goddamn it... he knows my weaknesses...

 

by DoktorSeven
3-05-06
WHY WON'T ANYONE COME ORDER ANYTHING?!?!?!?

 

by DoktorSeven
3-06-06
Maybe this new pet bird will get my mind off of Cth-- *that guy* -- and all the other crap in my life.
Things have just been so complicated in my life lately. I'm tired of it. I just want to live a norm-
I love you.
Oh, godDAMN it.

 

by DoktorSeven
11-21-06
What... what happened? Am I...
...fuck.
You're finally MINE!

 

by DoktorSeven
11-22-06
...how did I...?
Die? I dunno.
You don't KNOW?
Okay, fine, I slit your throat and raped your corpse. But now we're together forever, and isn't that all that matters?

 

by DoktorSeven
11-22-06
Meanwhile...
Man, I ain't never seen shit like this.
Really? It's that bad?
Poor girl's head is cut off, stomach sliced open, heart across the room half-eaten, and there's *gallons* of sperm all over the place. No joke.
Shit. Anything to go on?
"Just this tentacle we pulled out of her asshole."
...well, there goes my love of calamari.

 

by DoktorSeven
11-23-06
Well, Inspector Legrasse, what do you think of all of this?
... I've seen this before. My God, it can't be, but... it has to be!
What? What is it?
I know this will be hard to believe, but I think this is the work of an ancient horrible being! I almost dare not speak its name... but it is...
CTHULHU! NOOO, PLEASE STOP!
Gawd, shut UP! Hey, Satan, come over here and work her mouth so she'll stop!

 

by DoktorSeven
11-24-06
I have gathered you all here today to tell you of a horrible revelation. The Elder Being Cthulhu has returned to Earth after years of slumber...
Oh, God, no!
*ugh* 9004... *ugh* 9005... oh, man, Satan, what the fuck do you want? I'm kinda BUSY here!
The humans know of your meddling on Earth, you idiot. Someone is up there talking about you right now!
Hmm. This could be bad. We need to distract him, a bait. But who? Who could I get to distract... ooooooh!
...aw, FUCK.

 

by DoktorSeven
11-26-06
"I am returning you to Earth to find and distract Inspector Legrasse. Do not fail me, or YOU WILL SUFFER."
What the...?
...goddamn it. Let's try that again.

 

by DoktorSeven
11-27-06
"Okay, I have it this time. Do not fail us."
Oh, hello.
Hi -- wait... no way! You... you look just like that girl...
No, I'm not Jennif-- I mean, um, what girl?
It is her. I'll play along though, because not only do I want to get to the bottom of this, I want to bone her, too...

 

by DoktorSeven
11-28-06
So get undressed already... wait, what do you have in your coat there?
Oh, these? Um... nothing. Just... um... notes to myself.
Let me see one, then.
Um... no.
OH God, they're... my dead body... what the hell is... BLLLEEAAAKKK!
Hey! Not on my new bathroom towels!

 

by DoktorSeven
11-28-06
So you're telling me that Cthulu really IS trying to take over? And that it wanted you to distract me because it knew I was trying to fight it?
Yeah, that's pretty much it. I'm just really sick of the whole thing. Please help me get rid of the bastard... the whole thing's just fucked up...
Okay, okay, I'll help... but speaking of fucked...
YES!
*sigh*

 

by DoktorSeven
11-30-06
Meanwhile...
ATTACK, MY MINIONS! TAKE THE EARTH WHILE THE HUMANS ARE DISTRACTED!!!
He better pay us overtime for this.

 

by DoktorSeven
12-01-06
In today's news, the Nintendo Wii has sold thousands of units to American gamers. Its use of a remote control-like controller is a bit hard to get used to.
Incidents of exploding wrists due to extreme carpal tunnel syndrome is on the rise since its launch. Nintendo claims there is not a connection.
Meanwhile, at Nintendo HQ in Japan
Excellent! Our plan to make American weak succeeding! Soon they be too weak in wrist to fight us!
JAPAN SHALL EXTERMINATE PUNY AMERICANS! HAHAHA!!! We get last laugh, bomb-dropping white men!

 

by DoktorSeven
12-02-06
Do... do you hear something?
...oh, dear lord. Look out the window.
"Hell's minions are destroying the city! We're too late!" ... "But there must be something we can do!"... "Yeah, you're right. There is!"
*sigh*
mmmmm...

 

by DoktorSeven
12-03-06
Meanwhile...
The situation on Earth is escalating, your majesty.
"Yes, I know. I cannot allow it to go any farther. We must launch immediately for Earth."
But your majesty... why do you want to get involved? Earth is just a backwards planet; we don't have to get involved!
Yes, Fjonz, we do... for you see, it is a personal matter... I must go because...
I must avenge my father Xr's death. Cthulhu must pay dearly for not only killing my father, but STEALING HIS WOMAN. I will kill him... and mate with her...

 

by DoktorSeven
12-05-06
Also Meanwhile...
...the two piles of ashes left in the church that fateful day came together...
...and yet another horror was reborn.
U R ALL FUKD NOW

 

by DoktorSeven
12-06-06
HAIL CTHULHU
U DIE NOW
HAIL SATAN
MY REVENGE IS AT HAND
So what's your plan?
Um... run.

 

by DoktorSeven
12-07-06
I guess we're safe here.
...for now.
What are we going to do? Right now, everything is being destroyed. It's all my fault. I ... I can't take it any more! That goddamn Cthulhu... *sob*
Don't worry. Everything will be okay. I have a plan.
Does... it involve having sex with me here?
No, no. I assumed we'd be doing that anyway.

Showing page 2.

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