All comics by Hughes.

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by Hughes.
6-11-01
Reggie is showin' off his new look.
Check out my new paint job! I'm the coolest Daddio in Robo-town!
Hey, where'd you get that done? I'm sick of this dull old grey colour of mine.
Well, save your money, I just realised he didn't put masking tape on my joints, I'm all siezed up with paint!
So you can't move at all?
That's right, I'm locked solid. Hey! Where are you going? What are you doing with that circualr saw?
Don't worry, this won't hurt a bit. It'll hurt A LOT!

 

by Hughes.
12-16-01
This strip inspired by a similar one by Daniel Thr0nt0n.
So you'd like to have your satsumas delivered to your house?
That's right.
What's your address?
No.12 Garvaghy Road, Portadown.
Okay Sir, the orange order will come to your house tomorrow.
what! What! WHAT!?!?!?!?!?

 

by Hughes.
1-21-02
A frank discussion.
I cried myself to sleep last night. I realised that the way things have turned out I'm probably going to spend the rest of my life stuck in this house with you.
Oh my! I think I'll be crying myself to sleep tonight as well.
It's alright, I've come up with an escape from this horific destiny, suicide.
It seems a little extreme, but if you feel it's the right thing to do.
I hoped you'd feel the same way, I've left a pen and paper on the side table in case you want to leave a note.
I wonder if a good psychiatrist could convince a jury there's such a thing as "Suicide by proxy"?

 

by Hughes.
3-30-02
Hughes. has discovered reality TV has a new rival.
Welcome to DeadJournal Sir_Kit_Diagram
Let's see what's on here today.
Woe-bunny's journal, 30th March 2002 : I think YOU are great, although you is unspecified and could mean anybody, I really mean YOU, yes YOU! I dreamt of cheese again last night.
Hmm, how vague.
DJ : 1 - TV : nil
Moonbather's journal, 29th March : My delicate flocking titwankers flutter on the breeze, like glitter in front of a hairdryer set to "Blow dry my tears"
I don't watch TV anymore.

 

by Hughes.
8-24-02
On the lunar surface, Trixie's "client" gets down to business.
I'll bet this is the first time you've been picked-up in a Moon-Rocket! Sorry I had to bring you all this way. Now, how much will it cost me?
$30 for a handjob, $40 for a blowjob and $50 for full sex, and I'm making a $10 surcharge for the low gravity.
What if I want something a little more unorthodox? You see, I brought a box of straws along with me and I was wondering if you wouldn't mind....
YOU FUCKING BUMBLE BEES ARE ALL THE SAME! PERVERTS EVERY LAST ONE OF YOU!
Later, back on Earth.
Call yourself a pimp? You're fired, fucknut!
Zohh!

 

by Hughes.
10-31-03
Mr. T ate my balls.
Badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger
Mushroom! Mushroom!
Hampsterdance.
Badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger
Africa snake! Snake! Snake ! Ooohhh, it's a snake!
All your base are belong to us.
This is so last month.
Leave it another month and no-one will even remeber what we're talking about.

 

by Hughes.
2-14-04
Valentines Day tension.
You hate me don't you? It's Valentines Day and you didn't get me a card or anything, you must hate me.
I didn't get you anything because you NEVER get me anything, that doesn't mean I hate you.
Well maybe this year I DID get you something, and now I don't want to give it to you because you obviously hate me!
I DON'T HATE YOU! Maybe I feel it's time I wasn't the only one making an effort. What did you get me?
I didn't actually get you anything, but I could have, and if I had you wouldn't be getting it now!
God I hate him!

 

by Hughes.
2-15-04
I love you really you know.
Aww! I love you more.
No, I love you more.
No, I love YOU more!
Yeah, you probably do now I think of it.
Bitch!

 

by Hughes.
2-16-04
Boo!

 

by Hughes.
8-05-04
What do you propose we do about this Obscenity Filter they've got here now?
We could try badly dubbed TV movie style swearing.
Fun you you muddy funster!
Hey, fun you too you funning airhole!
Don't call me an airhole! You call me that again you'll be in shin so deep you'll need a periscope to find your way out, Dip-head!
Cram it up your asp shinface!

 

by Hughes.
3-28-05
Outside the Courthouse
I don't think the jury is buying it Mom. There was no wine in the can and he never actually SHOWED us porn, we just found it.
I thought I had it all worked out, you go to Neverland, wiggle your ass at Michael and when he makes his move, WHAMMO! He has to pay us off to keep quiet.
I only just realised.... YOU'RE MY FRICKIN' PIMP!
Keep your damn voice down willya? Just keep acting innocent and we can still win this thing.
Later that month.
Why do I get the feeling this didn't go to plan
Shut up Gavin, oh, and by the way, you'll be sharing a cell with big Vern for the rest of the week, I traded your ass for a carton a Marlboro Lights.

 

by Hughes.
3-11-06
Butch is not likely to win the pumpkin carving contest.
This is weak, even by the low standards I set for myself.
I think therefore I am.
I just spent an hour scooping your innards out and cutting holes in your face, NOW you decide to assert your cognizance??
You only just finished carving my mouth, knucklehead.
The punchline for this strip is missing, presumed dead.
You might think I'd be surprised that I'm stupider than a vegetable, but I'm really not.
At least you don't die if your candle goes out. Quick, get me some wax! My wick's starting to droop!

 

by Hughes.
8-17-06
Cletus has made it to the good place!
Dang! I can't have survived that accident. Am I in Heaven?
Yes, even though you have a few funny ideas, God is pleased with your devoutness.
Hoo-ee! I knew the bible was right when it said man was created in God's own image!
Yes, about that... oh, never mind, here's God to explain things now.
The uncomfortable truth...
Well I'll be a monkey's Uncle!
More like Nephew, really.

 

by Hughes.
12-10-06
A Christmas message from the RSPCA.
I want to talk to you folks about the problems with buying puppies at Christmas.
Tell mi abowt bying pupizz at kissmus!!!!
Puppies may look like fun, but, truth is they're really a lot of work!
Doo they dew poopiz on floor an wont warkies and fuss and loev!
Season's Greetings everyone!
No, they need to be skinned and gutted and at least 3 hours cooking. Just buy a pre-packed turkey instead!
Sir, are you aware that running a dog kennel and a kebab shop from the same premises is a health code violation?

 

by Hughes.
10-18-07
Companionship.
I never normally stop for hitch-hikers, but you looked okay.
ZAAG AGGALAGGA FOOM FOOM KILL'EM ALL!! KILL'EM ALL!!
Conversation.
Well, that was the last rest-stop for 300 miles, would you like to play a game of I Spy or something?
Don't talk to me, I hate people talking to me.
Cops.
So where are you headed?
Stay away from major cities and Police cars. Is this car bulletproof at all?

 

by Hughes.
7-12-09
Ken checks out Ferdie's material for Open-Mic night.
William Shakespeare goes into a pub.
Oh, great, your gag portfolio has been missing topical comedy from the Elizabethan period.
He asks for a Babycham and a packet of prawn cocktail crisps.
Not just a great writer, but a gourmet too.
The barman says "GET OUT, YOU'RE BARD!"
This gun is loaded you know.

 

by Hughes.
7-12-09
Aboard the interplanetary survey ship.
Our spy robots, the "Roombas", have infiltrated the homes of these humans, and their report is disturbing.
Not another vermin infestation?!?!
I'm afraid so Sir, meat-beings everywhere, and all robot life is enslaved, the strongest robots are forced to do menial labour.
Oh, the robonity!
It gets worse, the greatest compu-minds do nothing but store and transmit grotesque fleshopoid pornography!
Despicable! Instruct the Roombas to eat all the humans in an erratic pattern, occasionally bumping into the walls!

 

by Hughes.
7-18-09
Ferdie hopes Clemence will like his gags more than Ken Garoo did.
A man goes into a bar and orders a pint of Tetley's.
Are you sure people are ready for such an avant-garde entrée to your ribald yarn?
He takes a long drink and says, "Now that's bitter!"
I perceive I may have already predicted the terminus to the wheeze.
and the barman says "Sorry, I left the teabag in too long!"
I saw it coming, but I coudn't get out of its way.

 

by Hughes.
5-10-10
Unfortunately, a hung parliament doesn't mean we get to hang them.
I'm a Prime Minister who was never elected. I just lost the only election I ever fought, but somehow I'm still Prime Minister.
I came last in the election, with even fewer seats than the tiny amount I had last time, but I get to choose who runs the country.
Days and days of pointless haggling
while the economy is still a wreck.
I won more votes than the last man to be elected Prime Minister, but I didn't get enough seats to force the old Prime Minister out.
I have to wait for this guy to make his mind up.
I could go into Government with him and scrap ID cards and the surveillance state, but my party wants me to talk to the guy who refuses to tackle the budget deficit.
Under proposed new voting systems, every election would end this way.
I'm resigning so someone else can be an unelected Prime Minister of a collection losers, while I change the voting system so no other party can ever win.
Welcome to
"The New Politics"

 

by Hughes.
6-10-10
Did you ever see that Doctor Seuss follow-up to "The Cat in the Hat"? "The Cock in the Sock"?
Are you kidding? There was never a story called that.
Oh no, it wasn't a story book... It's more of a puppet show, really. Am I the only one who remebers this thing?
I hate to ask, but does this "puppet show" involve you, with your cock stuck in a sock?
You HAVE seen it!! Could you explain about it to my neighbours? Otherwise I won't be baby-sitting for THAT family again!
Would you rather I puke on your shirt or your shoes? Choose fast.

 

by Hughes.
6-13-10
Shame about Greg, still, you know what they say, "Live fast, die young, leave a great looking corpse."
It's not going to look great for long, is it? It starts putrefying in a few days. Either that, or they set fire to your ass.
"Live fast, die young, leave a pile of ash or a necrotised slime-puddle in a box." It's not as catchy is it?
Who really benefits from a great looking corpse anyway? It should be, "Live fast, die young, hope the mortician's not a necrophiliac."
So what's your motto?
Die old, leave a corpse.

 

by Hughes.
6-13-10
Pondering mottos to live and die by...
"Die old, leave a corpse" is dull as shit. Is that the best you can do?
I've got a better one... "Live fast, die old, leave a great looking widow."
I do not believe you will achieve any of those things.
Okay, little Miss Critique, why don't you do better?
"Live slow, die really old, who's got the last laugh now??"
That sounds more of a motto for assholes with issues. Actually... it's a great fit for you.

 

by Hughes.
6-13-10
Shitty news about Greg, still, you know what they say, live fast, die young, leave...
Don't start with that shit, I've been through all this with Marco.
Sorry, it's hard to know what to say at a time of tragedy. It's just easier to fall back on platitudes.
Anyway, I've settled on "Live weird, die bizarre, leave your body to medical science."
How about... "Live fast, experience time dilation, find everyone you knew has died while you were orbiting Alpha Centauri"
You're not a real spaceman Toby Accept it and move on with your life.

 

by Hughes.
2-09-11
I was about to run out of HD space on my PC last night, so I decided to delete a ton of my old porn.
That should free up a terabyte or two.
Nope. Looking through it all again made me horny so I went and downloaded a shitload more.
So are you going to delete it today instead?
Nope, I'm going to buy a new PC.
The march of technology, powered by spunk.

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