All comics by Intoxicatious

Profile

 

by Intoxicatious
6-19-07
Do you wanna go for a walk?
No, it's too muggy outside.
Gimme all yo' money.
I really hate the weather in June.

 

by Intoxicatious
6-20-07
What do you mean, Michael Moore is coming up here to talk about his movie? I'm gonna need some coke. Get me Thomas Ravenel.
He was indicted this morning. You're finally going to have to talk to someone while sober.
Two hours later...
God, that movie sucked. I have no idea what to say to that putz.
Well, you'd better think up something because he's headed this way.
Mr. President, I'd like to talk to you about the health sys...
Yeah, whatever. I'll change whatever you want me to. Just don't show me that crappy movie again. I felt like that guy in Hostel. Now that was a good movie.

 

by Intoxicatious
6-20-07
MOM! Microsoft won't let me use my search bar on his desktop.
Nuh-uh. MOM! Google is lying.
Microsoft, let your brother use his search bar on your desktop.
Ha Ha.
Aw, man.

 

by Intoxicatious
6-21-07
FIFA, you went behind our backs and chose Visa as your sponsor.
Yeah, we're sorry 'bout that.
Well, we're suing you for $90 million.
Do you take American Express?

 

by Intoxicatious
6-21-07
Computer, please download The Temptations' "Get Ready."
Error. Downloading music is illegal, Mrs. Clinton.
What? Fine, get me Smash Mouth's "I'm a Believer."
I'm afraid I can't do that, Hillary.
Dammit. Just get me Celine Dion's "You and I," then.
Processing.......... No hits found.

 

by Intoxicatious
6-21-07
Francis Ford, Citizen Kane is still #1, while Godfather is #2. What are we going to do about it?
I'm going to make Orson Welles an offer he can't refuse.
Oh, come on. Pretty please.
No!
I'll be your best friend.
I'm going back inside.

 

by Intoxicatious
6-21-07
Would you consider donating your unused embryos for stem cell research?
No, that's inhumane.
Would you consider eating the brains of a live goat directly out of its skull?
These are terrible questions. No, of course I wouldn't.
That's a shame because those are your only two options.
Hold on. Lemme just do some stretches, first.

 

by Intoxicatious
6-21-07
I'm sorry, sir. Our computer system is down for some reason.
Meanwhile...
Oh no. It's just William Shatner again.
You take this one.
There was something on the wing. I chased him down here and he told me to cut all of the wires.
It must be tough being a washed up actor. Okay, come on, Mr. Shatner. We're taking you back to the institution.

 

Mr. President, why did you choose not to allow stem cell research?
I just don't like the idea of little babies running around inside my body trying to repair stuff. It sounds too gooey.
by Intoxicatious, 6-21-07

 

by Intoxicatious
6-21-07
I think that the Canadian government should really raise the minimum wage to $10.
Me too. It's hard enough trying to move out of my parents' house.
Wait, I thought you were against the minimum wage increase.
Well, I was, but then I realized that the Wii doesn't have a very big library.
Shouldn't that make you spend less money?
Nope. 'cause now I wanna buy a PS3, and I think a minimum wage increase would prevent my parents from taking out a second mortgage just to fuel my addiction.

 

by Intoxicatious
6-24-07
A cute little bug just fell into my lap.
Did you let it go?
NO! I SMASHED ITS FUCKING BRAINS IN WITH A BOTTLE... Sometimes we have to show the bugs that we're bigger and SMASHIER.

 

by Intoxicatious
6-25-07
Winnipeg
...and that's why you should allow same-sex unions.
Look, dog, you seem like a good gay guy, but you're not what we're looking for.
Good ear, laity, but I thought he had a brilliant voice. Sir, You must do a lot of mouth exercises. What about you, House of Bishops?
Dreadful. I will not allow these queers to wed. You are a dishonor to this stage. Go home and kill yourself before I do it for you.

 

by Intoxicatious
6-25-07
All right, I'm so happy to be here. It's my first time, you know.
Why would you be happy to be here?
Well, this is the Pride Parade, right?
No, that was yesterday's festivities which led to this. The line for 60 second HIV testing.
Oh, what's the difference?
We always dress up for the parade, but today I can wear my normal, everyday clothes.

 

by Intoxicatious
6-26-07
I think that's all I need.
Okay, that's $599 for the phone, $100 a month for service, and $36 for activation.
I feel like I just got robbed.
Be thankful the thing doesn't run on gas, man.

 

by Intoxicatious
6-26-07
Did you hear about Chris Benoit? I'm going to make a comic about it.
Just like the Charleston fire, it's just too soon.
Fine! Do you remember Owen Hart?
Yeah...
I heard that Nestea revamped his death footage to make a commercial. Now he falls into a pool.
What a refreshing comic. I'm going home.

 

by Intoxicatious
6-26-07
What if...
I'm finally free. No more tiny jail cells for me.
Miss. Hilton, can you answer my barrage of questions?
AHHHH, Mommy. Get me into your cramped car and back to my room. I wanna sleep in my closet, tonight.

 

by Intoxicatious
6-26-07
Can I see my children, now?
I guess so.
Can I hug them?
You see with your eyes not with your hands, buddy.

 

by Intoxicatious
6-27-07
I don't really want to make a comic today. There's just too much sad news.
I know. SARS patients aren't recovering very well.
Sam the Record Man is out of business and selling off everything.
A woman in Newfoundland was pelted with Timbits in a drive-by...
Wait, what!? HAHAHAHA. I guess they're cheaper than bullets.
Stupid Newfies. I think they were trying to start the first Tim Horton's delivery service.

 

by Intoxicatious
6-28-07
Hooray! Another inmate for me to play with. We're going to have so much fun. Do you like hopscotch?
Oh my. Why would you swallow so many pills? My last inmate left that way, too.
Yay! A new inmate to play with. You should really put down that knife before you hurt yourself. Besides, you can't hold it while we play pattycake, silly.

 

by Intoxicatious
6-28-07
On the dotted line?
You got it, Uganda
Okay, I'm finally ready to sign the treaty to prevent tobacco companies from advertising.
Good. I don't understand what took you so long, Canada. The time is now for shutting down that drug industry.
You know, coffee is also a drug that can cause health risks.
Is that why I have the runs twice a day?

 

by Intoxicatious
6-28-07
Our American mascot, the Bald Eagle, was removed for the endangered species list last night.
Now if only the government can save another one of our endangered creatures.
The American Soldier.

 

by Intoxicatious
6-28-07
Jarett, it's your summer vacation. You need to go outside and be physically active.
Are you kidding me? It's like 35 outside. I think I'll stay indoors with our beautiful A/C.
There. I turned off the A/C. Go outside.
Fine!
God, It's like a sauna in here. JARETT!? Come back inside. I'll just buy you DDR, or something.

 

by Intoxicatious
6-28-07
Welcome to your new classroom. We thought that a black kid might liven up the place, or teach kids acceptance, or something gay like that.
Oh, no. You're black, so you can't hang out with me and my white friends. Go stand with that guy.
Finally, another ethnicity.
Shut up. If I rip on you then maybe I'll be accepted.

 

by Intoxicatious
6-29-07
I'm happy to report that Saskatchewan's population has finally risen from 1 to 2.
Welcome to Saskatchewan.
I think I took a wrong turn.
Correction. It's still just me. Lonely old me.

 

by Intoxicatious
6-29-07
What I've discovered is an entire field of dinosaur bones. This area was probably a feeding grounds.
Does that mean that dinosaurs were pack creatures instead of solitary ones. This is a great find.
I'm so glad you could make it.
A party is a great idea. I was getting so lonely just roaming around by myself.
Hey, Chuck. You can't smoke in here because the whole place could burn down.
Dude, relax. What's the worst that could happen to us?

 

by Intoxicatious
6-29-07
Dude, what's with the stupid outfit?
My mom wants me to be safe at all times. It has something to do with this thing she read.
There we go. Finally got my iPod docked. Now I can pay attention to the road again.
.latipsoh eht ot og ot deen I, eduD
Maybe YOU should be wearing this suit.

 

by Intoxicatious
6-30-07
Hey, buddy. Wassup? I'm just calling you on my new iPhone. I was going to buy a PS3, but this is so much cooler.
Two things: First, why would you call me from your house on a cell phone? Second, without a PS3 what are we suppose to do for fun?
You wanna come over and listen to MP3s on my phone? We can share the earbuds like back in junior high.

 

by Intoxicatious
6-30-07
I'm so happy that they made this a soccer arena instead of a hockey arena.
Why? I thought you loved hockey. What's with the sudden change of heart?
Soccer Moms!

 

by Intoxicatious
6-30-07
What if...
Yeah, okay. Why do you think anyone would vote for you as Prime Minister of Canada?
Who is our Head of State?
That's a trick question. We live in provinces, buddy.
Queen Elizabeth II is Canada's Head of State. As the Governor General performs Her Majesty's duties on behalf of the Queen, he or she is considered Canada's de facto Head of State.
Hey, this guy knows his shit. We should really vote for him.

 

by Intoxicatious
7-01-07
What the hell, Wandsworth? Why are you poisoning my customers.
Because kids these days are more into pirates than wizards. It's an uphill battle for J. K. Rowling.
Yeah, but we only got three movies. You guys got, like, five, or something.
But you guys still have a cool looking life. You don't go to school to become a pirate. Our books are just a ploy to keep kids in classrooms.
Would you feel better if I let you borrow my eyepatch?
Yes.

 

by Intoxicatious
7-01-07
Officials are talking about curbing sales on Roman candles.
What's a Roman candle?
Those things that punk kids who think they're cool go around shooting each other with.
THAT'S a Roman candle? Wow!
What?
Nothing. It's just that... Candle technology has come a long way. No wonder Rome burnt to the ground.

 

by Intoxicatious
7-01-07
I thought I'd give everyone a fireworks display.
Sorry, it's lame without the sound.

 

by Intoxicatious
7-02-07
Excuse me, Ma'am. Have you seen any suspicious behaviour around here?
This place is a tightly run ship. There is a security guard at the front, so no one suspicious can get onto this property.
Sorry to have bothered you.
Little do they know, I was the one who murdered all three of them.
What was that? You're coming down to the station.
What? No! That was suppose to be a thought bubble. Stupid comic program.

 

by Intoxicatious
7-02-07
No, it's true. I read it in a study. My junk makes you smarter. Swallowing is an important part of female survival.
Well, I can't so no to scientific fact.
Oh, yeah. I can feel you getting smarter already.

 

by Intoxicatious
7-02-07
Thanks for the iPhone, Mom. Wow, I can hook up to iPlayboy.
So I stayed locked in my room for the rest of the night. I'm so tired.
Sounds like an awesome phone.
Billy, you know the rules. I'm confiscating your iPhone. You can pick it up at the end of the day. Just knock first because... you know.
Man!

 

by Intoxicatious
7-03-07
I'll give you a radar station if you take down your missile shield facilities.
That sounds good, but I really need those facilities.
C'mon, comrade. Just take the bait.
OK.
WAIT! You stupid fish. It was a saying. This is why I never meet with him.

 

by Intoxicatious
7-03-07
Oh my God, the water is all gone. Global Warming is truly killing our Great White North.
Darren, the pond is over here.
What? You told me the pond was over that way.
I must have been holding the map upside-down, or something.
Why can't you ever read a map properly. You know I can't drive and navigate. We need to be a team.
Well, if someone would have just stopped to ask directions...

 

by Intoxicatious
7-03-07
Once we buy Danone, we will be able to make the BEST... COOKIES... EVER. Hahahaha.
Now if only we could do something about our shitty tasting Mac & Cheese.

 

by Intoxicatious
7-03-07
Is it true that Universal won't sign up again with iTunes?
We're still working out the details.
Okay, what if threw in an iPhone on top of the iPod?

 

by Intoxicatious
7-03-07
This is truly amazing. Women who couldn't have babies before can now bring life to this world.
Thanks to Dr. Holzer, we can impregnate women without the use of hormone drugs.
And thanks to you, we now know who to blame for our over-population problems.
And thanks to our founding fathers, I have freedom of speech, so screw you!
Well, I would also like to thank them for freedom of the press.
Finally, I'd like to thank Mr. Smith and Mr. Weston for ending this interview.

 

by Intoxicatious
7-03-07
We train for months before being sent over.
Really? Our government just makes us play Call of Duty as our training.
Is that the enemy?
Where? Stay back, I'm gonna shoot randomly until I get a head shot.
Crap, how do I turn off the friendly fire on this gun.

 

by Intoxicatious
7-04-07
Did you hear that Winnipeg has a new pizza joint called Porno Pizza?
I think I read about that.
Yeah, there's a pornographic image printed on the inside of the box, under the pizza.
So, I guess they're doing it to sell more pizza.
I think it's the most original idea anyone has ever come up with.
You do realize that they stole it from "Revenge of the Nerds," right?

 

by Intoxicatious
7-04-07
That was a really entertaining soccer match-up.
Did you see the game? We won.
Your team won, eh? Well, then here's your complimentary pepper spray.
Holy crap. Why did you... Who is... MY EYES!
The only sure way to prevent a riot is to pepper spray every fan.

 

by Intoxicatious
7-04-07
Hello, would you like to join Canada's--
Not interested.
Hi there. Would you like to join our--
Screw off!
*click*
--do-not-call registry? Darn. Maybe I should've just sent an e-mail.

 

by Intoxicatious
7-04-07
Hey! Hey! You! You! I think I like your song name!
Okay! Okay! I think I'm gonna steal it.
No way! No way! No it's not a secret! *beep*
What a bitch!

 

by Intoxicatious
7-04-07
Which is why I think Al Gore is an alien.
Mr. Foster, you know you can't print that, right? We print fact not opinion.
But, sir, it is fact.
There are no such things as aliens. Which reminds me. Excuse me.
Honey, I forgot to take the pot roast out of the freezer.
Don't worry. I did it for you. See you when you get home. Kisses!

 

by Intoxicatious
7-04-07
How does your final book end?
I'm sadden to tell you that two major characters die.
You don't have to cry. They're only story book characters. They aren't real.
YES THEY ARE! I have Daniel Radcliffe in my closet right now. It's the only way to keep him safe from Lord Voldemort.

 

Why haven't you been making any comics?
Sorry, I'm really sick. I've been to the hospital and everything. I won't be making any comics until I'm healed.
by Intoxicatious, 7-06-07

 

by Intoxicatious
7-08-07
Oh, they have shirts with words on 'em over here. You like words, right, Jamie?
Mom, I'm not going to be caught dead wearing a phrase shirt from the bargain bin.
But you always wear that red shirt that reads "clearance."
Yeah, but no one actually thinks I'm on clearance, Mom. Duh!

 

by Intoxicatious
7-08-07
I know it's your birthday, so I thought I'd give you a little head.
Was it too big for you?

Showing page 2.

« Previous Next »