All comics by Zimri

 

by Zimri
10-16-03
And they arrested me for computer crimes!
....just some child porno...
You ought not-a-done that, mmmhm.
...crap.

 

by Zimri
10-16-03
Billy the Bobby...
Say, fellow, what are you going to do with that hammer?
Thats got ot be illegal...but you're just too weird.

 

by Zimri
10-16-03
Billy the Bobby...
Say, you're a hooker, aren't you! Prepare to be arrested!
I only have one tooth....
...so that was a freebie, right?

 

by Zimri
10-16-03
Say, baby, my name is Mandingo and...
Wait a minute, you're a corpse about to be buried, aren't you!?
...even better!

 

by Zimri
10-16-03
::KNOCK KNOCK::
Would you like to buy some chocolates to benefit the class of '04...?
Screw off, freak!
::KNOCK KNOCK::

 

by Zimri
10-16-03
Billy the Bobby...
Well cheerio mate!
...what?
How floats your giggleberries, you bloody bugger!?
...huh?
Have you been gone so long that you forget how us British talk?
Listen, I'm not really British...I use this outfit to get chicks.

 

by Zimri
10-17-03
C'mon, c'mon, stick 'em up!
...who are you again?
I'm Gabe-Thats-Going-to-Kick-Your-Ass!
You made me do that.
Ow, you punched my ASS!

 

by Zimri
10-17-03
Billy the Bobby...
So then I says, "...I can't help myself!"
And that set him straight. Hey, why aren't you answering me?
You're retarded, aren't you?
::Drool::

 

by Zimri
10-17-03
Ready for the fight of your after-life, there. St. Michael!?
Bring it on, Pitchfork
Yes, prepare for a battle for all of eternity between two IMMORTAL combatants!
Immortal? This is going to take a while.
Yeah, screw this.....go get some bagels?
Word.

 

by Zimri
10-17-03
Why hello there young man!
Are you croaking at the Mandingo, you old bat!?
Yes I am...care for a wild night? This old GILF still has some tricks up her sleeve.
Like a trick hip? Heh
I can take my teeth out
Your place or mine?

 

by Zimri
10-18-03
In the confessional...
Bless me, Father, for I have sinned...
So have we all, my son...go in peace
Gee, what a gyp! No sermon or nothing!
I thought he'd never leave--now where were we?
You were smearing peanut butter on my ass and calling me, "Mommy!"

 

by Zimri
10-18-03
Jesus, read back a few comics and MAYBE you'll understand...
::KNOCK KNOCK::
TRICK OR TREAT!
Go away, kid, I have company!
Mandingo has a visitor...
Sorry for the interruption, my little corpse queen!

 

by Zimri
10-18-03
...you call THIS romantic!?

 

by Zimri
10-18-03
What is it, Papa Claus? Is it someone else!
Uh, its not you, its me...
::Cries::
Whew, we're lucky he didn't catch you under the bed, Rudolph...

 

by Zimri
10-20-03
"C.C., pick up that guitar and a-talk to me!"
What are you doing!?
I'm playing my heavy metal music!
But that kind of music is affiliated with Satan!
WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT HARASSING MY DISCIPLES!?

 

by Zimri
10-20-03
Boy do I hate President Bush!
I totally agree.
Never mind the facts that me and others like me are losers who have no idea what we're talking about and who are only being polticially correct because its hip!
Sure, let's just complain and complain and offer no solutions because we're basically useless.
...let's go pelt Pro-Choice marchers with aborted fetuses.

 

by Zimri
10-20-03
The way things are going nowadays...distressing.
Hippies, Goths, emo kids, Christians, liberals...unnessecary.
Public clown executions condoned and made an Olympic sport...priceless.

 

by Zimri
10-30-03
Hello there, little girl! I'm a superhero!
Whats your name!?
I don't know yet, I'm accepting suggestions.
How about Crotch Man?
...
...Bulgey-Boy?

 

by Zimri
10-30-03
Yay! Time to celebrate, Mandingo!
What are you so happy about?
I just won the lottery!
So what? You're never going to get laid. You will never have ANYONE to share it with.
No reason to tell it like it is! Now I have to go kill myself.
Hey, can I watch?

 

by Zimri
10-30-03
Billy the Bobby...and Alcoac
Son, do you know why I pulled you over?
Penis envy?
No!
Speeding?
NO! You ran over a little old lady crossing the street, and then swerved to hit a baby carriage!
Haha, yeah...

 

by Zimri
10-30-03
Prepare to die!
Hah! You work at Medieval Times, right?
No, Mandingo, you've actually travelled back in time.
...shit.

 

by Zimri
11-01-03
Welcome to McDonald's...'i'm lovin' it!"
Er, you're loving what?
Uhh...
Can't you just admit your slogan is mindless and only is there to capitilize on younger buyers by using slang!?
When are you going to admit that years of fast food has ruined your body and made you bitter and cynical?
...damnit.

 

by Zimri
11-01-03
...God, you smell.

 

by Zimri
11-01-03
So how's the whole superhero thing going?
I'm actually done with that superhero gig.
Oh? What are you doing now?
Porn star!
Thats what I'm talking about!
My first movie is called, "Crotch-Man: Enter the Stench!"

 

by Zimri
11-01-03
I find your quirky eyebrows suggestive and verging on sexual harrasment!
Mandingo, I'm an employee of "Deliver-A-Dancer". Prepare to party down!
Right this way, soldier, just let me clear out the remains of last night's snuff party and we'll be set.

 

by Zimri
11-02-03
Unspoken things...
That its considered patriotic to hate the French.
That Fox is the forerunner in cutting edge sleazy entertainment.
And finally, New Zealand sprang from Old Zealand....what?

 

by Zimri
11-13-03
Finally! My creature is complete!
Come, let us cut a swatch of bloody destruction! To the Mad Scientist Mobile!
...you mean your I-ROC?
...yes.

 

by Zimri
11-16-03
The funeral of John Smith...
What can one say about John Smith? He was a kind man, a loving man...
He was addicted to porno and loved to snort cocaine.
....let us pray.

 

by Zimri
11-17-03
Welcome to McDowell's, can I take your order?
::Sigh:: Oh, woe is me...I'm so depressed I can barely breathe.
...what?
Such is the life of a gothic! Wandering, lonely, depression...
Listen, are you going to order anything or not?
Just wait until I finish jacking off down here...

 

by Zimri
11-19-03
Mandingo meets the smelly, reluctant god of rock.
Whoa, you're Kurt Cobain, aren't you!?
...yeah
Don't you know you're dead and yet millions of depressed people glorify your suicide and your musical career!?
...yeah
I fucking hate you.

 

by Zimri
11-20-03
Mandingo asks a gay guy anything.
So you're gay, right?
Thats right.
There's something I've always wanted to ask a gay man.
Yes?
Can I have a blowjob?
...

 

by Zimri
11-25-03
Hmmm....this is my first time drinking absinthe and its not weird at all! I feel so gothic.
I am now Edgar Allen Poe! I wonder what dark ruminations of decadence will be inspired from this?
I want you.

 

by Zimri
12-08-03
Little known fact: one must do gay porn before straight porn.
Ew, really? So you're doing GAY porno now?
Yes...my next movie is called "Captain Crotch: His First Mate"...want some free tickets?
But I'm a lesbian!
...do you want the tickets or not?
Hell yes!

 

by Zimri
3-27-04
...only a truly bad comic like this one can commemorate my return.

 

by Zimri
3-30-04
Hey, is that your Mountain Dew in my 'fridge?
...are you serious?
Mmhm.
Yes, Kevin, I keep MY personal Mountain Dew at YOUR house.
...can I have some?
No.

 

by Zimri
4-02-04
Top story today: An oil spill has occured off of the coast of a Florida beach, killing scores of local wildlife.
How awful!
In reaction, legions of local hippies have protested the oil companies by going to the beach and smoking pot and not doing anything useful.
Hey man, down with the establishment!

 

by Zimri
4-14-04
This probably isn't the best time to tell you...
I have a midget fetish. AND I'm a necrophiliac.
Lucky for you, Mandingo, that I'm both a little person and dead.
Ooo baby...wait, what?

 

by Zimri
4-20-04
Why are our dates late?
I have no idea!

 

by Zimri
5-03-04
Zimri, and Billy the Bobby...
So why does every cop I've ever interacted with act like their dangerously insecure?
Well, you know, it's a tough job and we've got to remain tough...
Tragically underdeveloped genitalia would be my guess.
NO! I...
Or maybe your daddy didn't love you?
::SOB:: No, he didn't!

 

by Zimri
5-07-04
The little girl returns...I love you baby.
Do you know that the research and manufacturing of new bombs costs BILLIONS of dollars each year?
...
...billions that could be used to clothe and feed the poor!
...
You still smell like an ass.

 

by Zimri
5-13-04
Go ahead, son, it's not a sin.
I don't know, Father...it's so new to me.
Trust me, you'll like it.
Ok...Christianity is antiquated, short-sighted, inherently sexist and has done more harm than good!
See, now don't you feel better?
Yeah, but...why do I always have to say that before we have sex?

 

by Zimri
5-30-05
Guten tag, Zimri! Glad to have you back.
Thanks...those letters you sent really kept me going in the big house.
I'm glad you've finally paid your debt to society and atoned for your wrongdoings.
What a load of bantha poodoo. I'm innocent. I didn't do it!
You molested my parents with a socket wrench.
At least I wasn't the one with the camera.

 

by Zimri
6-04-05
I'm in love, man! Hatie Kolmes, I love you!
Sir, you're scaring me.
AHHHH! I'm in love! What a girl!
...you appear unstable.
I'll be home soon, love of my life! I SWEAR!
What a maniac. What kind of establishment would let loose such a dangerous indvidiual?

 

by Zimri
6-18-05
Recently, an abortion clinic in Kansas had its liscence removed because its lead doctor was eating aborted fetuses.
Kansas IS known for its barebcues.
...and baby back ribs.

 

by Zimri
6-24-05
Typical Alcoac Comic...
First, a brief news bite that I skimmed from the Internet.
Then something vaguely bashing gays, or liberals.
And finally, the standard punch line...
...I'm racist towards black people.

 

by Zimri
6-28-05
You know, Alcoac, you'd think after our fifteen years of friendship, you'd be above elevating a simple jibe for the sake of a laugh into a mud slinging contest where you reveal my sexuality and gender
What do you mean?
Well, how would you like it if I told everyone about the time you climbed on a roof to look at a girl you liked while she was sleeping?
Hm, that would certainly crack the thin facade of pseudo superiority I've carefully erected.
Or how about that time I gave you a handjob?
That was strictly a PLEASURE thing!

 

by Zimri
7-19-05
Geez, some accident, right?
Yeah, it looks as if someone smeared a fat wad of spaghetti all over the road.
And here come the reporters pouring over the bodies.
I'm abot to go join them, actually.
What are you, a journalist?
No...a necrophilliac.

 

by Zimri
7-26-05
An actual conversation with my therapist...
Is there any reason why I've been having vivid zombie dreams for the last few nights?
Why do YOU think you've been having zombie dreams?
Maybe because of some deeper anxiety that is manifesting itself in the form of zombies?
Uh, yeah, sure.
Wow, thanks doctor. You're a big help.
I'm going to need a check for sixty-five dollars.

 

by Zimri
7-26-05
And I'm still forking over $2.50 a gallon for gas.

 

by Zimri
7-26-05
"Dear John, I feel over the past few weeks that you never pay attention to me..."
I have been bragging a lot over the deals I get at the taxidermist.
"...I just don't know the real you anymore. Plus, you keep a stuffed monkey corpse under your bed for sexual purposes."

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