All comics by bike

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by bike
11-18-07
The record industry is dead, thanks to not only downloaded music but also competition from DVDs and console games.
However, you could still sell albums to consumers who did not break the law or play lots of video games or watch movies. Such as...
crazy religious people!!!
But everyday christians won't cut it, so you gotta aim for the margins and corner the niche markets, such as...
Seventh-Day Adventist Rock!!!
Ohhh baby, baby, baby... don't forget to pray... 'cuz sinners don't so much burn in hell, as have their souls destroyed for all eternity... wahhhh!

 

by bike
11-18-07
It's a well-known fact that all little kids hate eating vegetables and/or vitamins.
However, they will eat nearly any random piece of crap that they find on the floor or under the couch cushions.
So, you take vitamins or concentrated broccoli extract or whatever the hell you want...
and sell it in the shapes of old cheerios or lite-brite pegs and crap like that. Kids will never know!
that's strange... the marble I found under the fridge kinda tasted like lima beans... aww, screw it, I'm gonna go watch tv...
Hooray!! I've finally found a way to get the little sh*t to eat her vegetables! Now if I could only get her to shut up!

 

by bike
4-17-08
So how was your weekend?
Pretty awesome, actually. I finally convinced my wife to "try something new" if you know what I mean...
no... fraking... way...
yep... I finally convinced her to start using Ubuntu
dude, you are totally my hero. PLEASE tell me you took pictures...
she made me promise not to share them

 

by bike
4-23-08
"one thing kind of hit me today... I looked at you and wondered if you saw things my way..."
Stop singing, Winston! We're in the movie version, not that goofy-ass David Bowie musical version
The one with Edmund O'Brien or the one with William Hurt?
UGH! It's the 80's version with JOHN HURT - you idiot - not William Hurt!
Well, in that case, how about trimming up that massive bush of yours?
you are so the dead

 

by bike
4-24-08
So, I'm kind of a history buff; I like little history facts. For example, did you know that the Holocaust only took place in one month?
One month, that's right. The month of July! Get it, JEW--LIE
wow, rough crowd

 

by bike
4-25-08
I think I should have gotten an 'A' on my final paper instead of a 'D'
this oughta be good...
'cuz it was a really good paper
Your paper was entitled "Vietnam wuz teh sux0rs :(". That's just not 'A' material.
Fine, here's the deal. My parents give me a thousand bucks for every 'A' I get. Change the grade, and you're in for two-fifty.
Make it five and you've got a deal.

 

by bike
6-15-08
Dear Senator McCain: you are OLD. This is a problem politically, as you need to attract young voters
You have no chance of attracting 18-25 year old females, as they are all in love with Barack Obama. But there is a way to reach out to 18-25 year old males...
Tits
Specifically, your daughter Meghan's. Have her make a sex tape and "leak" it online, then express great moral outrage when it is found
Conservatives will watch happily as you reign her in and rescue her from the moral decay brought about by a permissive liberal society...
and young male voters will flock to you, confident that their choice for First Daughter knows how to handle a cock. Or two, or three, or four...

 

by bike
6-26-08
Hey man, I'm gonna be late for the poker game tomorrow. I promised my daughter that I would take her to see Kung Fu Panda
You'll have fun, dude. That movie was really good.
I didn't know that you have kids...
I don't.

 

by bike
6-30-08
say something funny, man - I want to win this comic competition
dammit, you're stupid - this competition is about the soul, not about sole...
I'm a fish, asshole - I don't know how to read
how can you not know how to read? you fucking live in a school...

 

by bike
9-11-08
let's have a staring contest
ok

 

by bike
9-16-08
According to an online service called Hitwise, social networking accounted for more Internet traffic than porn in Sept. 2008
This is the first time that porn has been knocked out of the top spot, perhaps signalling an important new phase of Internet usage
The ideal way of capitalizing on this would be, of course, to combine porn and social networking
The ad revenues for whoever can successfully put these two together would be instant fuck-you money
Welcome to fuckbook.com >You are now friends with Ron Jeremy. >You have added "Water Sports" to your interests >You have added 2 new photos to your album: "My Vulva"

 

by bike
9-17-08
Son, when I was your age, if I saw a pretty young girl, I would think "I wonder if she's easy?"
And then, when I got older and had a family, if I saw a young girl, I would think "I wonder if she babysits?"
And now, when I see a young girl, I think "I wonder if she'll change my diapers when I'm in a nursing home?"
So you see, son - your perception of things changes based on what's important to you at that time...
FINE! I'll sell you a goddamn egg-and-cheese biscuit, just stop with your boring-ass stories already!
and don't be forgetting the senior discount now...

 

by bike
9-24-08
"in 2006, Barack Obama voted to fund a study of methane gasses created by cows..."
mooooo
"methane is a gas that terrorists can use to make explosives to kill our troops"
durka durka
"What new way to kill Americans will Barack Obama want to fund next? We can't afford to find out!"
I'm John McCain and I approve this message

 

by bike
9-25-08
My friend Mark's bachelor party is this weekend. You don't have a problem with me going, do you?
(ugh) There's not going to be a stripper, is there?
Nope, even better... an all-night GoldenEye tournament!
I modified my N64 controller to give me an increased firing rate, so I am totally gonna kick ass!
Strippers are women who show you their boobs. You do know that, right?

 

by bike
2-27-09
outside the courthouse...
STOP KENNY! STOP KENNY! STOP KENNY!
What are you and your smelly friends protesting this week?
It's this guy named Kenny. He beats up cats and puts video of it on his website. We demand that the cops arrest him and take the site down!
You know, people do crap like that all the time... Why are you so bent about it now?
He built his website using Microsoft Frontpage
Dear God! This monster MUST be brought to justice!! STOP KENNY! STOP KENNY! STOP KENNY!

 

by bike
3-05-09
My family is coming to visit in a few days; we need to make sure the house is ready
You mean like locking the liquor cabinet... hiding the jewelry... boarding the cats...
ha, ha... very funny, mister comedian
Wait, those are actually pretty good ideas...
I'll go pick up a few extra fire extinguishers

 

by bike
3-09-09
bad
I'm leaving you for another man
worse
I'm leaving you for mandingo

 

by bike
3-13-09
Dear Barbara Walters: If you are looking for a way to spice up "The View" - I've got the perfect solution
Get rid of Elizabeth Hasselbeck. She is batshit crazy and none of the other hosts can stand her.
You'll need to replace her with another young blond conservative. The ideal choice is Meghan McCain -but she will not be ready for a few years, as right now, she is completely full of herself
However, her blatant attempts to establish herself as a moderate conservative pundit will inevitably fail as conservative women only succeed if they are harpies and nutjobs (e.g. Michelle Bachmann)
After a few years of non-success, she'll be ready to settle down into a stable gig, and that's when you kick Hasselbeck to the curb.
Sorry, there's no real joke here - I just had this idea and I wanted to put in down in writing. If any of you actually know Barbara Walters, feel free to pass it along...

 

by bike
3-26-09
Hey Dave! You're looking a little more buff. have you been working out?
Oh, thanks! Yeah, I bought a Nordic Track...
Yeah, I bet your wife is pleased...
well, she wants me to be healthy, but she hasn't made a big deal about it...
Women just don't appreciate us, you know. It's up to us guys to appreciate each other, you know what I mean?
um, yeah... I gotta go now...

 

by bike
3-31-09
Now that you're on the school board, you make sure not to hire any of them homosexuals, else they'll turn all the kids gay...
Homosexual teachers aren't really a problem - it's the Furries that you have to watch out for
I've never heard of a Furrie before; what do they do?
Well, basically all these people get together and they dress up like animals...
a few minutes later...
and that's when she passed out
Good thing you weren't explaining adult babies; that probably would have made her head explode

 

by bike
6-16-09
I think that you should join more extra-curriculars. It would be good for you to have more team activities and make more friends and...
here comes the wharrgarbl...
Are you even listening to me?!
Frak this, I'm gonna go play Mario Kart...
I just do not know how to communicate with her anymore! It's like she just ignores anything I say - like it all goes in one ear and...
wharrgarbl time again...

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