All comics by descolada99

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by descolada99
4-16-01
Saa Maura, why are you vibrating and shaking around like that?
Look down ya dimwit. My boyfriend is down there. You haven't heard about him?
No I haven't. What's the deal, besides doing it in public?
Well, he's an epileptic. It has some GREAT advantages in bed.
You are so going to hell...
Mmmmmm

 

by descolada99
4-16-01
Hey buddy? Can ya spare a dollar? I'll tell you a great joke in return.
Yeah, sure. I could use a laugh.
So what does a chicken say when it is gloating to and making fun of anyoher chicken?
I have no idea...
"Mock, mock, mock, mock..."
Give me my dollar back, whino.

 

by descolada99
4-18-01
Fresh off his new found fame, Billy the squirrel is off to pick up chicks.
Hey baby. Wanna see my nuts?
No way sicko. I've heard about you. Showing off for photographers.
What's wrong with that?? You know you want to see 'em.
Ugh... you disgust me.
Works every time.
Check out THESE nuts!
Oh God... they're huge!! It sickens me, but I'm aroused now. So very very aroused.

 

by descolada99
4-19-01
Please, everyone stay around for the reception. Fred Durst will be the musical entertainment!
hehe, I had the bride last night. Damn was she loose!
I now present you Mr. and Mrs. Tony Danza!
Psst.. hey.. you can see the bride's balls through her dress. Wait! The bride's balls?!
Hey, you. Yeah, the priest. Your fly is down! And ya got a woody!
Do you take wirthling to be your lawfully wedded husband?

 

by descolada99
4-25-01
Hello! Two Vaguely Asian Girls here again to address a problem that seems to be going around the message board.
It's this whole "Tobor" thing. It was funny for awhile, but how many times can you see the big red robot talking about cornholing someone before going insane?
So we are now here to declare the new schtick.
Vaguely Asian Girl On The Right will cornhole you!
Ummm.. that's now what we discussed. You know, we talked about classic literature and highbrow humor being the new schtick.
Yeah right...

 

by descolada99
4-26-01
I was young and pretty once. Long before you were born sonny boy. Oh yeah. Them were the days, down on the farm. Let me tell you about the time...
Maybe if I ignore him, he'll shut up.
40 years earlier.
Hooo weee!! I gots me a new donkey ta play with! My sister-mom said I could stay out late tonight, too!
All the purple donkeys I could handle. I guess it's acceptable for young boys, but not for old men in overalls. So what're you in for?
Please God.. kill me now...

 

by descolada99
4-30-01
God dear, did you do the laundry and take care of the yardwork while I was gone like I asked you to?
Ummm.. no honey. I forgot. The guys came over to watch the game and I guess it just slipped my mind.
All I did was ask you to do two simple things while I was gone. And you and your "godly" powers can't even do that?
*mumbles* Christ you can be such a bitch sometimes.
Don't bring your son into this! That's it.... you're on the couch tonight!
I hate it when they fight....

 

by descolada99
4-30-01
Hey man.. you got anymore of that good shit I got from you last term?
Ohhh mannn... you're that linguistics major guy who needs words for his term paper aren't ya?
Yeah man. I totally need some good shit to throw down on my prof for an analysis of how the Greek language affected 20th century felching.
Well, for $100 I got 'interstice' for ya.
Shit! I dont' have that kinda dough! I'm a Liberal Arts major!
Well, if ya wanna go cheap, all I got is 'toothpaste' and 'confetti'.

 

by descolada99
5-01-01
We, of the Anti-Globalization And Beating Up Police Protest Group have the following proposal.
Yes, this was really on a protest banner...
We propose that we "overthrow capitalism and replace it with something nice."
A pony would be nice.

 

by descolada99
5-04-01
gabba gabba hey?
smitten?
You just don't care at all about this contest today do you?
No. I'm just an Ugly American bent on filling the world with McDonalds. Well, that and I'm too busy visiting www.girlskissing.co.uk I have no time to be making funny.
Well, at least you're not British.
Amen!

 

by descolada99
5-07-01
Ummm, baby, I really love you but I can't help worrying you'll leave me or cheat on me because of my past experience with other women.
I understand. I can handle that totally.
What? You can? I mean.. wow.. thanks. I'll try not to worry anymore then.
Great. Let's go make out.
One Week Later
I'm sorry for worrying again. I know it's irrational.
I understand. I can handle that totally.

 

by descolada99
5-07-01
One Week After Pt. 1
Okay. I did it again. I honestly don't see how you aren't fed up with me yet. Shit, I'M fed up with me!
No.. you're getting better. I understand. I can handle that totally.
This Past Weekend
So why does your online profile still say single even after you totally changed everything else on it?
Tune in tomorrow to see the thrilling conclusion to a true story in my life. I'm a total moron.
And why didn't you call when I said to please call me last night? And why...

 

by descolada99
5-07-01
Welcome back to Two Word Funnies. We've been away fr awhile, but we're back today with a vengeance!
Today, we're bringing back our first guests on the show, The Two Vaguely Asian Girls! Give 'em a hand.
Scott
Baio

 

by descolada99
5-07-01
Due to popular demand, we're doing a second installment of Two Word Funnies today.
And presenting once again, with their witty take on ex-pop culture, The Two Vaguely Asian Girls!
Corey
Feldman

 

by descolada99
5-10-01
...so what's going on?
Umm, Jason, I'm breaking up with you. It's not you, it's me. I need time alone to be myslef.
But... but... I just realized today how much I love you.. I just told you for the first time a couple hours ago!
I know, it's hard on you. But I need to be myself and figure myself out.
Yeah... every woman that's told me that really meant "I need time to be a ho, and I've found someone way better than you."
Men are so cute when they're depressed.

 

by descolada99
5-10-01
So.. you're saying you have feelings for me, but you need to be alone. Right?
Yes. Exactly. I never meant to hurt you. I just don't think I'm ready for a deep relationship yet.
Must fight urge to assume she means she wants shallow sex/make out sessions with anyone except me.
What?
So I've got a chance, right? If I just stick around long enough, groveling for your affection until you "find yourself"?
Gotcha!

 

by descolada99
5-10-01
I'm so alone....

 

by descolada99
5-10-01
Love me...
No.

 

by descolada99
5-14-01
I knew an old man once who liked to prace down the street in diapers. He'd scream that the aliens had come for him and needed his help to save the planet Xyrcon
Then he proceeded to shove a candle into his ass. He disappeard the next day in a bright light. All that was left was the candle.
It's my most prized posession.

 

by descolada99
5-14-01
...CORNHOLING!
...a quality beer!
...a pimp that won't smack you around!
...nuts!
...sucky sucky for fi dolla!
Damnit bitch, I've told you time and again to stop that shit. You give us a bad name.

 

by descolada99
5-21-01
*Welcome to www.zebra-porn-o-rama.com!!*
Fuck! Another low quality zebra porn site. Why can't these sites do anything original? *click*
*Welcome to www.xxx-jerry-atric.com, your source for porn by some old guy named Jerry!*
Oh God my eyes!!! Nooooo!!! *click*
*Welcome to www.donkey-sodomy.com!!!*
Very nice. Donkey sodomy is always erotic.

 

by descolada99
5-25-01
And lo, for every Wednesday night, Satan, Cthulhu, Jesus, and the Reaper gather for a game of poker. Needless to say, drunken boasting usually comes into play.
Okay, I call. I have two Queens and a bunch of people who sacrifice goats to me.
I've got two pair, jacks and tens, and I wake occaisionally and my dreams influence people to dipict my image, slay, and form cults.
I've got a straight flush and billions of faithful worshipers. Beat that!
Shit... just pair of fives and this rusty scythe. Remind me why I play with you guys again?

 

by descolada99
5-31-01
damn, this is some good acid!
I like monkeys.
But I like being spanked by Dick Cheyney while riding a pony even better.

 

by descolada99
5-31-01
damn, this is some good acid.
Daddy told me I'd like being Predsidint.
But I like being spanked by Dick Cheyney while riding a pony even better.

 

by descolada99
5-31-01
Hey there boys and girls! Tiem to return to Two Word Funnies!
By popular demand, here's The Two Vaguely Asian Girls with their take on pop cultrue. Take it away girls!
Gary
Coleman

 

by descolada99
5-31-01
Howdy!! More Two Word Funnies for ya'll.
Today's guest "wakes occaisionally to influence people through their dreams to do his bidding", I give you Cthulu!
Soul Munchies!

 

by descolada99
5-31-01
Hey there boyaz and goilz. I'm here to introduce the newest character here at the Strip Creator. Say hi to Tourettes Timmy!
It's great to be here, I just wanna say hi.. FUCK!! .. to all my new fans out there.
Soo where ya from Timmy?
I'm fom Billings.. CUNTHOLE ... Montana, where the .. EARFUCK ... buffalo roam.
That's quite a mouth you've got there boy. You should fit in fine here.
Thanks, I'm looking forward to being in some new ... FELCHDROPPINGS ... comics

 

by descolada99
6-04-01
Diablo readies his escape from prison.
I'm gonna break...
I'm gonna break my...
Sadly, he escaped to the Land Of Bad Stand-Up Comics.
So if I eat the breast of a male chicken, am I eating rooster-manboobs?
I'm gonna break my rusty caaaaage.. and run.

 

by descolada99
6-06-01
Jesus, Jesus! You are such a bandwagon fan!
Every time any team wins they thank you for helping them.
You should pick a team and go with it man!
I don't even like sports. I prefer to watch cooking shows & Martha Stewart...*sob*

 

by descolada99
6-08-01
Hi, I'm Nathan Lane, and this is Matthew Broderick, of the recent Broadway smash, "The Producers"
There have been complaints by some who have said "I will not-see a lighthearted musical about Nazis"
...
Get it... Not-see ... Nazi...
Shut up you fat queer. At least I wasn't in that horrid attempt at a sitcom called "Encore! Encore!" . I still have credibility.

 

by descolada99
6-08-01
Hi, I'm Matthew Broderick of the Broadway smash "The Producers"
Some people have said that they will "Not-see a lighthearted musical about Nazis"
Get it... Not-see.... Nazi...
This is the last time I watch the Tonys. I wonder if that little shit Broderick knows I'm bonin' his wife? The sex ain't in the city, it's in my pants!!

 

by descolada99
6-09-01
based on a true story...
Suzie, I love you and we've been dating awhile I really want to get more intimate with you.
Well, I'm Catholic so I can't have sex yet. But how about mutual handjobs? I can justify that.
Awhile later in the dating cycle...
Suzie, I love you even more. I want to be even closer to you.
Well, I'm Catholic so I can't have sex yet. But how about mutual oral sex? I can justify that.
Awhile later...
Suzie, I'm madly in love you with. I want to make sweet love to you all night long while Barry White serades us on the stereo.
Well, I'm Catholic so I can't have sex yet. But how about mutual anal sex? It's not *really* sex.

 

by descolada99
6-11-01
Setting.. back of a car near a graveyard
I can't beleive we're doing this here. I know your place and mine are occupied, but this is wierd.
Shut up and get your head down there!
A blue figure catches the corner of my eye, but she sees a BLUE HUMAN FIGURE STANGIND OUTSIDE MY CAR AND LOOKING IN
Calm down Suzie.. calm down.. it couldn't have been a real ghost... NO it wasn't a sign for us to break up... stop crying!
*sob sob*

 

by descolada99
6-13-01
Hey!
What?
You left the lens cap on again.
Oh, sorry about that.
No one's gonna see this right? I mean, I don't want my friends thinking I'm some kind of whore.
Oh yeah baby, I promise. This'll be hot.

 

by descolada99
6-13-01
Yeah, we're back!
Yeah, we're back!
Yeah, we're back!
Yeah, we're back!
Yeah, we're back!
Fuck.. and I just got to sleep.

 

by descolada99
6-13-01
Hey!
What?
You left the lens cap on again.
Oh, sorry about that.
No one's gonna see this right? I mean, I don't want my friends thinking I'm some kind of whore.
Oh yeah baby, I promise. This'll be hot.

 

by descolada99
6-14-01
Hey, you hear about ObiJo?
No... what happened?
He quit the Strip Creator. Said he would "stop after 300".
Wow.. he sound slike one of those pretentious athletes that promise never to stay on past their prime.
...
Wiat, he never had a prime, did he?

 

by descolada99
6-15-01
And now for tonight's Strip Creator Classic Movie...
If the bitch starts singing again, the hills will be alove with the sound of GUNFIRE!

 

by descolada99
6-17-01
I just love Chicago! the lights, the theater, the culture!
The hookers, the crack dealers, the bars named The Manhole.....
*squish*
...
...
...the used enema bags on the sidewalk.
Howdy lady, is that my shit on your shoe or are you just happy to see me?

 

by descolada99
6-20-01
Hey, do you like baloon fucking?
Maybe, do you pop?
Do you like fucking women who have bad B.O.?
You have no idea!! All my dick are belong 2 you!
Pe-ew....
Egad! No Bondage!! *weep*

 

by descolada99
6-21-01
Hey, do you like baloon fucking?
Maybe, do you pop?
Do you like fucking women who have bad B.O.?
You have no idea!! All my dick belong 2 you!
Pe-ew...
Egad! No Bondage!! *weep*

 

by descolada99
6-22-01
Duuuude!! Another summer to waste away on the beach! Smurf's Up!
That's not funny man.
What? I just said how much I love summer. Babes, beaches and smurfing.
I told you to cut it out. It's not like I don't get enough shit for being blue.
I think you are making light of my condition. I have a speech disorder.
I think you're making light of the fact I'm gonna stick my blue foot up your ass..

 

by descolada99
6-22-01
Hey Zoe. Now that we've been dating awhile, I want to tell you about my secret fetish.
Ummmm okay... sure. What is it?
I'm into the fetish called Furry. It's where I like to have sex with women that look like animals.
Yuck! You can do whatever you want with your own life, as long as you don't break any laws.
Just don't ask me to glue feathers to my arms and pretend I'm a chicken.

 

by descolada99
6-25-01
Ohh yeah Barbara.. give it to me... all the way damnit!!
Christ Jenna, what did you put in that punch?
Just some stuff I found in daddy's room. Unngghhhh...
Well it sure makes me feel all tingly. Move to the right, my arm is cramping.
On the couch in heaven.
Who knew putting Dubya in the White House would be so entertaining. Chocolate, Jesus?
Sure. Thanks Dad. I thought the Monica thing was fun to watch, but this is great! You da man, Dad.

 

by descolada99
6-27-01
Howdy doody kid-o-roonies! Welcome to another edition of Two Word Funnies!
Today's guest has been on before. He hails from Texas, but currently lives in D.C. Give it up for George "Dubya" Bush!
Boooo!!! Hissss!!! Get off the statge!!
Compassionated Conservativisism
Boooooo! Boooooooo!

 

by descolada99
6-27-01
Hey there. Since the author is out of funny ideas, he's going back to the old Two Word Funnies schtick!
Today's guest is.. wait, this can't be right...me?
writer's block.

 

by descolada99
6-27-01
Is he gone yet?
No.. he's just sitting there, staring at us. Look at a different comic, you PERVERT!

 

by descolada99
6-28-01
A bird in hand is better than two in the bush.
Umm, that's probably not the best proverb to be saying on here sis.
I'm tellin' ya. Quit giving them that look. You know what's going to happen.
Anyone got a couple 'birds' I can borrow?
Whore....

 

by descolada99
6-29-01
The More You Know....
Hi everyone! Dr. Pedantic here. There seems to be a bit of confusion about who I am and what I look like.
First off, I am not a squirrel.
Second, 'pedantic' is an adjective meaning "Characterized by a narrow, often ostentatious concern for book learning and formal rules"
Anyone who gets it wrong will be forced to fellate my fleshy appendage.
I DO NOT SUCK DICK!!!!

 

by descolada99
7-13-01
Welcome To Terre Haute, IN
What's that smell?
Ohhh that's the 'Haute' smell. Just remember to not go west of the mall.
Why not.
Let's just say "eye-wattering-can't-see-so-bad-you-are-coughing smell" is not a good thing.
According to popular lore in Haute...
No wonder Steve Martin called this place the Armpit of America!
Amen sista!

Showing page 2.

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