All comics by il_schmucko

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by il_schmucko
9-24-02
So I said, "Bangor? Hell, I hardly know her!"
Saved.
Then he said "No, you are. I'm gonna set the garage on fire."
Saved.
Why are you still up making comics?
It never occurred to me that there might be something else, imaginary penguin lady.

 

by il_schmucko
9-28-02
Another day at Monochrome Ranch...
I just run across a big red robot was complainin' about some swellin' in his big toe.
He was kinda excited though, on account of an old legend that says the swellin'll bring him a whole buncha little rocks.
So I says, "Them Tobor bunions ain't gonna generate gravel tons by themselves!"
Why don't you just shoot me?

 

by il_schmucko
9-28-02
I was making a microwave dinner, and the instructions said "Cut film cover to vent."
I thought it was odd at the time...
...but you know what? After I stabbed that fucker a few times, I really felt better.

 

by il_schmucko
9-30-02
So I says, "Them rotor turbines ain't gonna generate gravitons by themselves!"
Ha, ha!
Christ, I need to get away from him.

 

by il_schmucko
9-30-02
Thanks for vacationing in beautiful Bali, where we've just passed a law making all forms of debauchery legal!
All right!
I'm your official welcomer, Maura, and I command you to lick chocolate syrup off my tits now.
Yes ma'am!
*BZZZZZZZZT!* WAKEY WAKEY! TIME TO GO TO WORK, MOTHERFUCKER!
Jesus Harold Christ on a Ritz cracker.

 

by il_schmucko
9-30-02
A rainy day in One-Note Land
RAARR! TOBOR SICK OF CORNHOLING. NEED VACATION.
BUT TOBOR HAS ALREADY CORNHOLED ALL EARTHLINGS AND CAN'T GO BACK TO THEIR COUNTRIES.
TOBOR WILL BE DAMNED! A SPACE SHIP!
That's right. I'm a space ship today.
Later, on a low-budget planet far, far away...
bzzt...welcome to fagulon zeta... bzzt...prepare to be cornholed.
RAARR!! CHANGE WILL DO TOBOR GOOD!

 

by il_schmucko
10-04-02
Meanwhile, Officer Spaznaut searches for answers at Russ' condo...
"This hat makes me look like I'm gonna kill something." -JrnymnNate
What hat? Are you confessing? Are you on drugs? What the hell is a Jrnymn?
This comics is a puke! In a big time!
Ahh, pidgin English! A hate crime! The deceased was Japanese. Wasn't he? It was hard to tell with the mask. Are you on drugs? Admit it.
...but it comes to naught, and later they take turns making sweet love to Non-Sequitur Donkey.
"Discrimination is NOT wrong, or I'd be watching 'Full House' reruns right now. -Judith Grunberger"
You killed him! You know it! You are so on drugs! Wanna go get some pizza and Pop Rocks?

 

by il_schmucko
10-04-02
Hey mom. Earlier, in the shower, I was feeling my breasts and I found a lump.
Oh, dear. That's not good. Better take you to the doctor.
Really? You think it could be serious?
It shouldn't be too bad. It's a good thing you knew about breast self-examination.
What's breast self-examination?

 

by il_schmucko
10-04-02
That concludes your breast exam. You have a clean bill of health.
My old doctor never did it that way.
Well, I called it something different at my last practice...
...but for some reason, patients never wanted to schedule a "Hawaiian Musclefuck."
Next time you'll have to take my temperature.

 

by il_schmucko
10-07-02
My death is anticipated.
You have a hot ass.

 

by il_schmucko
10-07-02
I am sad.
Fuck you.

 

by il_schmucko
10-07-02
Let me breathe.
You are ludicrous.

 

by il_schmucko
10-12-02
Say, I wonder if that new film should debut this weekend?
You just try it, fucker.

 

by il_schmucko
10-12-02
Whaddaya think, boys?
Perhaps an amusement park of some kind. Everyone likes amusement parks.
Why not just make it one big Wal-Mart?

 

by il_schmucko
10-12-02
But I liked it!
Huh?
You misunderstand, Officer. I haven't been digesting the animals...

 

by il_schmucko
11-01-02
Man, I am just about thoroughly exhausted. Moving really, really sucks.
Still, it's nice to relax after a job well done, and at least it's a great house. Hopefully we'll never have to move again.
Say, what's the matter, honey?

 

by il_schmucko
1-03-03
Maura, I've been dying to see you. I know you were fond of the 7" WondraVibe, and it was a great seller, but R&D just came back from a trip to South Chicago, and... well... just look behind you.

 

by il_schmucko
1-10-03
What do you think about good ol' Middle Mississippi State?
Oh, it's okay. Classes are easy.
Well, sounds like you're full of school spirit.
Though I must admit, I was expecting something more out of "Intro to White Power."

 

by il_schmucko
1-10-03
Good morning, class, and welcome to Your Mom 201.
As many of you may know, this is just like "Your Mom 101: Survey of Your Mom," only with a more intensive lab component.
Seriously. I did today's experiment three times last night.

 

by il_schmucko
1-10-03
Welcome, and congratulations on being part of the inaugural session of Comparative Abnormal Psychology. Are there any questions so far?
Oddly enough, yes.

 

by il_schmucko
1-10-03
Whatcha doing?
Weaving a basket.
Oh? I thought that was just a cliche.
What are you talking about?
You know--"Underwater Basket Weaving."
Nope--I'm taking "Intermediate Sheepfucking." This is just a hobby.

 

by il_schmucko
1-10-03
All right, man--what the hell was up with your final project? Are you trying to wreck the curve for everyone?
I mean, seriously--some of us need to pass this class to graduate, you know.
If I'd known you were going to be in Bondage and Submission 101, I wouldn't have even signed up.
Whatever. Wanna get high?

 

by il_schmucko
1-10-03
Dude, I am so stoked! I totally aced my Regurgitation project!
Glad you brought it up!
I gotta cram tonight, though. I have a tough Date Rape final tomorrow.
I'd say you'll nail that one.
Who knew they'd turn Phi Psi into a major?
Who knew I'd flunk out of my Punnery class?

 

by il_schmucko
1-17-03
While strolling through the park one day... in the very merry month of May...
I was taken by surprise by a lovely pair of eyes...
SO I TOAR TEH FUKCERS OT AND RAPPED TEH SOKCETS! ah thank you, ah thank you very much.

 

by il_schmucko
1-17-03
Call 235...
121...
C'mon... call 235...
122...
WOT TEH FUKC IS RONG WITH YO FUKCEN BICHES! I WIL NALE YUR ASS TO TEH CUMPUTR AN RAPP YOU!
123...

 

by il_schmucko
1-17-03
My fellow Americans, it pleases me to announce that the impending war with Iraq has been averted.
Saddam Hussein has complied with all of our investigative efforts, and has vowed to convert to Christianity and eat his vegetables.
JUS KIDDNG YO STUPED FUKCERS! I WILL BOM TEH FUKING BICHES RIET NOW! EAT SHIT SADAM!

 

by il_schmucko
3-18-03
Following 9/11 I wiped out the terrorists in Afghanistan and used the momentum to settle an old grudge against Iraq.
Y'all thought the explosions were cool, so I went ahead and blew up Iran, North Korea, France, Russia, China, and a few other places too.
Now the election is still a few months away and I've run out of targets, so I ask you, my fellow Americans: How do you feel about Milwaukee?

 

by il_schmucko
3-18-03
Hello, America, I'm Lee Greenwood. I'd like to address the rumors that I've spent the last week watching Fox News and masturbating.
You're goddamn right I have!

 

by il_schmucko
3-24-03
Eight hundred dollars?!
I get eight hundred dollars back?!
Guess he's proud to be an American after all.
*THWUMP!*

 

by il_schmucko
4-07-03
In the hopefully not-too-distant future:
Hello, all, and nice to see you again. I'm Donald Rumsfeld, but you already knew that.
I'm happy to report that the war is over, and America victorious. For sharing this joyous occasion with us, the President has authorized me to give each reporter here a special gift.
Free gasoline for life?
Damn! It was supposed to be a secret!

 

by il_schmucko
4-07-03
CNN's victory celebration continues...
Hi, I'm Safia! I was recently voted cutest li'l Iraqi, and now I get to talk to the world on TV!
I wanna say how grateful we are to Mr. Bush for ending our years of suffering and bringing us democracy!
I'm eager to help repay our debt to America. Tomorrow I start working at the new Wal-Mart in Basra!

 

by il_schmucko
7-09-03

 

by il_schmucko
7-13-03
Why the hell am I sitting here forcing myself to come up with enough dialogue to overfill the frame? Isn't there something else I should be doing?
Make love to me, Joel. For the love of God, please--I shouldn't have to beg for sex. I'm an attractive woman! You should be throwing yourself on me! Am I even here?
I could be out riding a bike or swimming at the pool, catching up with old high school friends, learning a foreign language--anything.
I mean, come on, it's been days since the last time we had sex. Maybe weeks. Don't you find me desirable anymore? I mean, look at my tits! They're fucking scrumptious!
But no... the dog's been walked, the trash is out. I just feel like there's something more productive than typing dialogue... but nothing comes to mind.
Jesus, man. I'll even do that thing where I lick peanut butter off the bottom of your shaft while you stick a zucchini in my asshole. Just show me you love me!

 

by il_schmucko
7-13-03
Maybe a little bit of dialogue would be okay.
Shut up, bitch! You're ruining everything!

 

by il_schmucko
7-13-03

 

by il_schmucko
7-13-03

 

by il_schmucko
7-13-03

 

by il_schmucko
7-13-03

 

by il_schmucko
7-14-03
Heads up!
Man, where did you get this new basketball?

 

by il_schmucko
7-14-03
PETA attributes the recent decline in virtual donkey rape to the permanent shutdown of StripCreator.com
hmm...
However, spokespeople are concerned that ACTUAL donkey rape is up 130%.

 

by il_schmucko
7-14-03
I'm proud to announce this year's Peace prize recipient, Boorite, who managed to find a way for all the earth's people to coexist without warring.
Mr. Boorite?
Golly, I wish DexX had changed my character before Brad shut SC down.

 

by il_schmucko
7-14-03
Well?
Oh, all right. Don't tell Mom, though.

 

by il_schmucko
7-14-03
One day at the postapocalyptic ranch...
Well, you all made me laugh, but Kaufman's usual brilliance has given him the edge.
Congratulations, Doc--the next contest is all yours.
What the fuck are you talking about?

 

by il_schmucko
7-14-03
hmm...
hmmmm...
I wonder how much 77 episodes of Animaniacs on VHS could get on eBay?
I wonder what that big yellow ball out there in the sky is?

 

by il_schmucko
7-18-03
I finally got my lab.
Really? What kind?
Black lab? Chocolate lab?
Meth lab.

 

by il_schmucko
7-21-03
Why the hell is it
that Jergens lotion is not
XP compliant?

 

by il_schmucko
7-21-03
I just jerked off to
this hot chick but now i think
that it was my mom.

 

by il_schmucko
7-21-03
It's impossible
to sound sexy asking for
credit card numbers.

 

by il_schmucko
7-21-03
My monitor does
not care if I wash it with
Windex or semen.

 

by il_schmucko
7-23-03
Saw BradSucks.net
It was some lame band's home page,
Not a gay porn site.

Showing page 2.

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