All comics by itsclark

Profile

 

by itsclark
9-06-01
I Sauron will be invincible with the magic ring of invisibility I copped from the elves!
Ha! I gotses his ring, now! What a pantses he is!
How that boob Gollum failed to notice a dragon sneaking in the window I'll never know. Anyway, I got the ring now! Say, what was that noise?
Nothing! Nobody here; go back to sleep!... Uh, oops.
That ring surely enhances your wardrobe, cousin Frodo! How do you like it?
It's great, Bilbo!... fell off the back of a truck, you say? That's good. No offense, but I half-way expected someone to come looking for it.

 

by itsclark
9-08-01
Heh.
What the?
Heheh.
Yipe!
Hehehuh?
Try it and you'll be working that keyboard with a pencil between your teeth!

 

by itsclark
9-08-01
Roger, it's me -- your conscience! Remember to be nice to people and never lie.
Pssst, Roger. Forget that sap. It's me, your id! Don't let anybody push you around.
It was a long walk home from the Sushi bar...
Man... what was in that Sashimi dish?

 

by itsclark
9-09-01
How do I get more PPL to red my comics?
I mean, I can't simply let all of these great penis jokes go to waste.
(another year passes) Jons penis comes to a coclusion: "screw this...im finding a new job"
He's not laughing. Maybe I caught him during dinner time.

 

by itsclark
9-09-01
ObiJo! I haven't seen you in ages. Where ya been?
You could say I've been, uh, operating under the aegis of the United States government.
Flashback: Federal Penitentiary, 'C' Block:
Back that ass up, man-bitch!
You'll have to catch me first! Tee hee hee hee!
(Shudder) I just hope the answer I gave to Gabe keeps him out of my business.
Hey gang! Guess what I just found out from Obi's sister!

 

by itsclark
9-09-01
An evening of strip-making is interrupted by the flash of a teleporter beam.
Ugn! What the hell just happened? Where am I?
You are aboard an intergalactic vessel, earthling. For reasons your primitive brain wouldn't comprehend, we conduct routine anal probes of earthly specimens such as yourself.
Sounds great! When do we get started?
In the months that followed, ObiJo learned much from his captors.
...routine probes... earthly specimens...
I don't like where this is headed.

 

by itsclark
9-09-01
No, no, no.... you're missing it. Way back when when the cool shit was on AM radio, or early FM rock was starting to become marketable, there were no genre's and sub-genres.
OK, I see your point about the consumerism deal, but think of it this way... does anyone look at fine art and say "Boy, it sure is silly to differentiate between baroque, surrealism, ect.
I'm not saying it's inherently without merit, but please be reminded that all those schools of creative form evolved from the artists need for a broader range of expression covering several decades...
Right...
... and your ads and sales channels and the content thereof appeal to the hanging-on-by-a-thread- feeling of importance that permeates adolescent iconography...
Kill... me...

 

by itsclark
9-13-01
Wassa matta little girl? You know like-a clowns?
!!!
Why you puncha me in the balls?

 

by itsclark
9-14-01
Wrong thing to say during a job interview:
Hey! I remember you. You're "Spaz" Thompson! Remember the famous 'flag-pole' incident back in high school?
Oh yeah! I thought I recognized you... Wait here. I just need to run a reference check back in my office.
delete... delete... delete... recycle...
Well?
We could use a man like you here at Credit Reporting Services, but according to my files you no longer exist!

 

by itsclark
9-24-01
Have you thought about my offer, Andy?
Yes, and I realize that I can win comic contests without your help! My soul is no longer for sale.
But I can offer you ANYTHING. You have only to name your desire, and it shall be granted.
Enough! I've made up my mind about this! "Get thee behind me, Satan."
What the..!?
Sucker! I'll be by to pick up your soul next Tuesday at 8:00.

 

by itsclark
9-26-01
Jesus. Being marooned on a desert island sucks. I'd sell my soul for some music to listen to.
Cue new age piano music...
You were saying?
But it sounds like shit. Who is that? Yanni?
Yeah... I don't have any use for his CD's since Mariah Carey's movie soundtrack came out.

 

by itsclark
9-27-01
Stripcreator.com approaching. I capture them by acting like typical earth female!!!!!!!!!!
I will help. N00bz R ghey.
*AHEM!!!* HEY SAILOR SAM. I BE J00R GF!!! FUKKY FUKKY FIVE BUKKY!!!
NICE JOB BIYATCHOTOMI!!!!!!!!!!! NOW WE GO JANICE JOPLIN ON THIER SORRY ASS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yes? May I help...
KNOCK KNOCK... AAGGHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! STATIC ELECTRICITY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!J00 CAT FUX0R!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

by itsclark
10-01-01
THE COMPETITIVE LIFESTYLE PROMOTED BY THE MEDIA HAS PRODUCED A SOCIETY WHICH IS FRUSTRATED AND REPRESSED.
THIS ANALITY CAN BE CURED ONLY BY RADICAL NEW STANDARDS OF BEHAVIOR, AS OUTLINED IN MY BOOK, "MANRAPE, A FRESH LOOK".
Roger regrets attending Stripcreator U.
Gah! Who invited this robotic ass freak to be our guest speaker?
Oh, I dunno. I'd take him over that scary hillbilly we hosted last month.

 

by itsclark
10-01-01
college photography class, instructor Tobor presiding:
I MUST SAY, GABE; I'VE NEVER SEEN A STUDENT TACKLE PHOTOGRAPHY WITH SUCH ENTHUSIASM!
Thanks, Mr. Tobor!
"THIS SERIES PORTRAYING YOUR DOZENS OF INTIMATE BARNYARD ENCOUNTERS IS ALIVE WITH PASSION AND SUSPENSE!"
HOWEVER, IT ISN'T *EXACTLY* WHAT I ASSIGNED! I ADVISE YOU TO TEAM UP WITH A PARTNER AND TRY AGAIN.
Crabby? You got a minute?

 

by itsclark
10-01-01
So this is my dorm room assignment! I've got so many things to unpack. I'll put my television there...
...the litterbox in the bathroom, and my PC and stereo against that wall.
Perfect! I hope my new room-mate won't mind!
MMM!! LOOKS LIKE TOBOR'S DORM ROOM ALREADY COME FULLY FURNISHED!

 

by itsclark
10-01-01
Hmm... "Mistress Li's Hentai Massage Parlor". What's this all about?
My god! What the..!?
An hour later:
Thank you for your visit. May we schedule your next appointment?
Same... Time... Tomorrow?

 

by itsclark
10-02-01
What does this do, Mr. Wizard?
Why, its a gravitronic polarization filter, Gia. Come on! let me show you how it works.
*KOOOOOooooossshhh!!*
Drat. Slight power failure. We'll have it fixed in a jiffy.
There now; no worries! Um, Gia?

 

by itsclark
10-02-01
College of the Hentai Arts and Sciences:
OK class! Once again, each of you will receive a lab specimen similar to THIS ONE. However, in light of last week's little incident...
...Mr. Tobor will be receiving a replacement specimen. May I REMIND you, Mr. Tobor, that this IS a lab specimen and NOT A HAND PUPPET!!
RAARR!! TOBOR NOT NOMINATED "CLASS CLOWN" FOR NOTHING!

 

by itsclark
10-02-01
Time for a game of "Pictorial Band Names" (invented by Crabby)!
I'm from "Suicidal Tendencies", in case your haven't guessed.
Cannibal Corpse
I'll come back for the rest later.
Lords of Acid
Whoah...
I'm not feelin' it yet, JC. Let me have another hit of that "Golden Buddha".

 

by itsclark
10-03-01
Schlock Inc., makers of mediocre home console games:
Well, Boss -- we've cranked out another one with bad A.I., meager levels, and zero replay value!
Fine, fine. Pad it out with cinematic sequences and tutorials and we're good to go.
Just make sure there are enough frustrating impasses to keep folks from breezing through it too quickly -- want 'em to think they've gotten thier $50 worth, after all! Haw haw!
Boss, you ever wonder what it would be like to have integrity?
"Integrity!" That's brilliant -- "A new game based on the Integrity Engine!" Fire that off to the boys in marketing right away!

 

by itsclark
10-03-01
ONE CTHULHOID_____________________
This note is legal tender within R'lyeh and all territories under Cthulhu's mighty heel.
Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu
R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn
_____________________ONE CTHULHOID

 

by itsclark
10-03-01
ONE VIOLENT NOTE---------------------------------
Die Biznatch!
---This note is legal tender for all violent----- -------- exchanges, public and private. -------- ******"TOBOR WILL CORNHOLE YOU!"******
---------------------------------ONE VIOLENT NOTE
Die Biznatch!

 

by itsclark
10-08-01
Real life adventures at the Post Office:
One book of stamps costs $6.80. You currently have $5.00 credit.
So... a dollar bill plus 80 cents in loose change.
Sorry. Temporarily not accepting dollar bills.
What!? I don't have $1.80 in coins! Might as well take my $5 back.
Sorry. No change given without purchase!
Screw you, Charles Babbage!

 

by itsclark
10-09-01
CNN's live coverage of the War on Terrorism continues. You're looking at live pictures from a mountaintop 40 miles outside Kabul, Afghanistan.
Bombs continue to fall at this hour. Now If you look very closely, you may see some flashes of light and hear an occasional roaring sound.
We apologize for that. It seems we're having equipment trouble due to the high winds. Once again, we remind you these images are exclusive to CNN!

 

by itsclark
10-09-01
Forging new alliances against terrorism is exhausting work, pardner.
Well there is a bright spot, Mr. President...
Today our good friends the Australians promised to back us up with every resource they can possibly muster!
And here it is!
*huff* *snort*

 

by itsclark
10-13-01
*Ahem!* From the lowest plane of Lowpass, I call forth the restless spirit of MOHH OMLO.
Arise, benighted icon of dark humor. Show me your terrible and sardonic power.
MOH!
That's it!? WTF?

 

by itsclark
10-13-01
OK, how should I work this scene?
What's to work? You're a skeleton. You stand against an apocalyptic backdrop and say, 'Moh!"
But I must have some kind of motivation... Surely there's SOMETHING I should be feeling at this point!
I told you -- the 'Moh!' thing is pretty much it! Now roll 'em!
*ahem* mmMMooOOHH!!!
Cut cut cut! Look, you're just not getting it, are you?

 

by itsclark
10-13-01
I'm Bunnerabb!
And I'm Apejuice! We're the thread nazis. We've come to kill this thread.
Go for it, AJ!
Um, Hitler, Nazis, Go-ring?, Third Reek, I can't read your damn writing, Bunner!
Moh!
Its not on the list, but whatever works I guess...

 

by itsclark
10-13-01
Alright! Looks like I'll be coming up on my 100th comic before too much longer!
I hope this isn't just an attempt to pad out the total so you can reach some arbitrary stripcreator milestone, you pathetic sack of shit!
Pshah! This comic is a perfectly legitimate attempt at humor for it's own sake. Honest!
Then I assume you can produce a punchline. Or CAN you?
Of course I can! Um, "TOBOR WILL CORNHOLE YOU!"
Well alright then. Sorry to have doubted you.

 

by itsclark
10-13-01
Hey Mirror-Me; guess what! I'll be coming up on my 100th comic soon!
But if you take into account only your good comics, the total is a fraction of that.
!?
However, this arbitrary milestone will stand as an impressive testament to the fact that you have no life whatsoever.
Mirror-Me, you take everything good and... you just rip my heart out.
Oh yeah... still got it!

 

by itsclark
10-14-01
You aren't at all what I imagined based on the information the dating service gave me.
I mean, a cosmetology correspondence course stretches the definition of "college educated" -- don't you think?
Well what about you? You described yourself as physically buff!
Did I? I meant to say I was a "physics buff".

 

by itsclark
10-15-01
Your password will expire in 5 days. You can change it now by choosing 'options'.
"Error on page"? Augh! I must send a note to the I.T. helpdesk.
Your password will expire in 1 day. Please change it now.
Goddammit! I must send an URGENT note to the I.T. helpdesk.
The I.T. helpdesk:
Man your battlestations! The LAN is serving up Quake Arena at a blistering 60 frames per second!
I brought the chips!

 

by itsclark
10-15-01
Your password will expire in 5 days. You can change it now by choosing 'options'.
"Error on page"!? O.K., don't panic. I'll just E-mail the I.T. helpdesk.
Your password will expire in 1 day. Please change it now.
Augh! When will the I.T. department hear my cry?
Your password has expired.
Come on, little fella! I just need to get a message through to I.T.!
You are NOT tying that note to my leg for all the acorns in the world!

 

by itsclark
10-15-01
Say, LadyJ -- what's that perfume you're wearing?
It's "Bitchcraft", the vehement yet passionate scent. What do you think?
It comes on rather strong...
Perhaps you've poured it on a bit thick?
It doubles as a sun-block!

 

by itsclark
10-20-01
So tell me a little about yourself, 16FTigress!
Well, my cascading auburn hair frames an elfin face beset with flashing emerald eyes.
*Ngh*, *UNGHH*...
I have long sinewy legs, creamy white thighs, and I'm just starving for the affections of an older "father figure."
Oh god -- Chest pains! Cal;l for5help['
What next? Ah yes... just got out of the shower, glistening wet!

 

by itsclark
10-20-01
So, uh, it's nice weather we're having -- isn't it?
It sure is! When I woke up this morning it was so beautiful out I decided to go for a jog for the first time in months!
Oh shit, it worked; she's talking to me! OK just don't let the conversation drop and for God's sake try to sound intelligent!
But you know, I'd really much rather hear how you're doing than talk about the weather!
But um, it might rain tomorrow. I saw it in the newspaper. Which I read! Every day!
Right. You know, I never did finish that jog...

 

by itsclark
10-21-01
It's time for our newest feature: Andy's Review Corner! Today's film: Captain Corelli's Mandolin.
Right! In this film, Nicolas Cage manages to look bigger and dumber than usual as he lumbers across a small Greek Island circa 1940.
We're led to believe that this soldier in Mussolini's army commands a cadre of cuddly, harmless minstrels.
But in reality, Cage's phony accent and stilted performance waged a cruel and relentless assault on my ability to stay awake.
I see. But what I think our readers would really like to know is -- did you enjoy the film?
Oh that -- loved it! Hey, you think that line about Cage's performance was cutting enough?

 

by itsclark
10-22-01
Gabe, why don't you come to bed? I'm wearing that nun costume you love so much!
Not now honey... I'm making comics about how much Wirthling sucks!
Again? Can't you at least do something constructive with your time?
Excuse me Sugar-britches. I need to get the phone!
Mr. Billings? This is the National Endowment for the Arts. We've reviewed your "Wirthling Sucks" portfolio and we're prepared to offer you a grant!
Hot damn! Now here's my vision: Picture the first comic visible from space...

 

by itsclark
10-23-01
What the fuck are you talking about?
E=T^2/b(f^2-m*4) T=b/n(3*v^2/ac) g=L-2b[(v/L)*(v/b)] c=b[(R/4)2^b] X=E^T(g/c)
?
Why couldn't you have said so in the first place?

 

by itsclark
10-24-01
The monster is coming this way!
It'll be on me... any... second... now.
*sigh*... The animation budget is a bit limited this year.

 

by itsclark
10-25-01
...and after my cat died, I used her bones in a magic spell to protect Earth from the Saucer People! I still wear her eyes as a charm bracelet.
You think I'm crazy, don't you Doc?
Bongo, we don't use words like "crazy" here.
If I throw my chair through that window, I'm pretty sure I can make a quick getaway.

 

by itsclark
10-27-01
Greetings, travellers! We are entering the immense gravity of Keegus Permus.
Up ahead blazes K.P. Prime itself, reputed center of the universe!
Here we see the planet Sokker, sports and entertainment center of the entire system.
Overhead, the moon Ego burns brightly enough to read the Emporer's comics by!
The skies above the throneworld shine with the light of many other, lesser stars.
But not to worry! The emporer is working on ways of dealing with that.

 

by itsclark
10-27-01
So, what do you think of the Protagoran view that moral standards are grounded only in social custom -- that "man is the measure of all things"?
That's ghey!
Then perhaps you favor the Platonic notion that moral decision making involves the intuitive apprehension of moral archetypes?
Ghey!
Well, then what do you think of the new 'Tool' album?
UR a tool!

 

by itsclark
10-28-01
Whatcha playing?
Stripper Creator, from the maker of stripcreator.com! Its like the Sims, but way edgier.
I see you've converted that old warehouse into a seedy topless dive. Here comes one of your dancers! She sure has some wild moves.
Oh, she just needs her fix. There! She's ready for work.
Hmm... she doesn't exactly seem to be "raking it in."
The clientele passed out. Time to raise beer prices!

 

by itsclark
10-30-01
"Noone is available to take your call. Please leave a message at the beep!" ...*BEEP*
Um, yeah... this is Mariah Carey again. I'm looking for my career!
I know you're there! Pick up the phone!

 

by itsclark
11-01-01
Once again, look at the ink-blot and tell me what you see.
Any idiot can see two beatniks in a darkened room... ADRIFT IN A SEA OF CRIMSON BLOOD AND YELLOW FLAMES DEMONIC GREEN EYES BLAZING WITH DEATH-HATE!!

 

by itsclark
11-01-01
I've been planning this jewel heist for eighteen months! I can't believe you're wussing out on me now!
You have got to be the biggest chicken I've seen in my life!
Cue cheap visual pun:
Spot-light! Run!

 

by itsclark
11-03-01
Did I tell you what a great night of gaming I had! I got an Amazon Warrior, a Krugg Seer, and two Mage Knights!
Wow thats great look at the time!
They'll look fantastic in my gaming shrine; right next to the Crypt Worm and the Horned Hatchet Kruggs!
I've got a Tormented Soul!
Wowzers! I've been wanting to get my hands on one of those for ages!
No -- I mean really... I have a tormented soul just listening to this!

 

by itsclark
11-04-01
When I want to know whether I need a Tix-Tax breath mint, I just breathe into my hand and sniff! Like this!
But aren't you really just smelling your hand?
If you could actually smell your own bad breath, wouldn't you smell it ALL THE TIME, with or without your lame hand gimmick?
AAYYIIEE!! I'm melting! MELTING!!
Its good to live in a cartoon universe!

 

by itsclark
11-07-01
I came down for the opening of the new club in town! I heard they were playing some wicked Grindcore!
It rocks, alright. But technically, it isn't Grindcore. Its just Grind.
Are you people def or just stupid? Its obviously Hardcore.
Mallcore!
Um, I'm afraid you'll have to leave, folks! The club's opening has been delayed due to construction!

Showing page 2.

« Previous Next »