All comics by kramer_vs_kramer

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Grrrm! Mmmmmbrmm. Grrmmmmm. Rrrrrmmmgrrrrrlllllll. Mrrrrrrrrmmmrrrrrr. Brrrrrrmmmmmm, grrrrrrrrrr.
Are you some kind of scary madman?
No, I'm Tricky, and that was my new single.

 

Rrrrrrrrrrrmmmmm! Grrbbbrrrrrrrbr. Mrrrrrdddrrrrrrrr gggggrrrrrr, mmmmmrrrrrrr. Bbbbbbbrrrrrgggggg.
Oh hi Tricky. Is that another of your new songs?
No. I'm going to kill you!

 

Hmmm,. all the people on the "Romance" list in ICQ seem to be male.
I must be the only bird here.

 

Meanwhile...
Well, the missile is due to hit in 10 minutes. How are the modifications to my secret bunker going?
Excellent, sir. I am just installing the self-destruct mechanism.
Self-destruct? Is that really necessary?
Of course it is, sir...
Now if you'll excuse me I have to find somewhere to put this giant bright red button marked "DO NOT PRESS - SELF DESTRUCT" so that it's in full view of everyone in your lab.

 

Hey there sexy lady. Wanna fuck?
Flee fornication. Every sin that a man doeth is without the body; but he that committeth fornication sinneth against his own body.
You know, I'd give anything to nail that sexy bitch.
Anything, eh? I'll see what I can do...
Will you shag my pal?

 

Hey! I'm getting quite good at this Counterstrike thing.
Yet I have never felt the soft caress of a woman's hand against my arm, or the gentle heat as she breathes on my neck, the the sweet smell as she moves in for embrace.
Later...
H3y 8@8Y i 0WNz0R aT +eh 5ex $o How 48Out 1+? 90 0N! $uCk m3h cOCK b1tch!

 

Neo & CSMann have a fight in front of a bomb while CSMannnn nails a nail into his gh3y head. Reminds me of the time my father put a nail in my head for not letting his friend taste my pee-spout
[K£WL]Neo: H3h n00b U iz t3h gh3y3st I r0x0r & U sUxxx0r!!!!!!1! /.*/
[PkA]CSMannn: N0 U suxxx0rs g0@ts U r g43y3st m3h iz l33t YOU IS A TK1NG F4G WITH WALLHAX0RS I 0wnz3rs U wit M3H CS skillz0rs I h@v0r a n@1L in meh h3@d l@mezzz
Neo is half a dolphin and CSMan is on fire. My father set me on fire once for refusing to touch him in his "special place". I learned soon after to that to swallow his juice all up like a good boy.
[K£WL]Neo: H3H BURN J000 F4GG0R I IS l33t ROFL!!!!!!!!!!!1!! WTF I AM A d0Lph1n wer is m3h ass. j000 st0le it j00 gh3yl0rd w000000000000t
[PkA]CSMannn: AAAAAAAAAAAAA I is on f1r3 you fagg0r.
Neo is an alien with a gun and CSMann is now jesus. Jesus talks to me sometimes. He comes into my room at night and tells me to keep his big stick safe in my botty . He looks like my dad.
[K£WL]Neo: M3h w3@pon OWNZ0rs J00000. J00 suxx0rs c0ckzzzez bizn@zzzz LOLOLOLOLOLLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLROFLROFLLOLOLOL!!!!1!!!!!!!!1!!
[PkA]CSMannn: WTF I AM JESUS. LIMP BIZKIT! LIMP BIZKT! ROLLIN ROLLIN ROLIIN ROLLIN. J000 mh@de meh Jesus j00 gh3yest!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Gonnae no dae that?
How?
Just... Gonnae no

 

So anyway, I found the kitten, and it had hurt its little paw. So I took it inside, and gaveit some milk, and put a little bandage on its paw.
Uuuh, Tricky, the camera's on.
Gnnnnnnnnnn! Rnnnnngg! Mrrrrrrrbrrrrrrrr crmrrrmmmr brrrrrm nnnnngggggg! Nnnnnnnrrrr.

 

Damn it Optimus Prime, must you always try to foil my plans?
Your evil must not go unpunished Megatron. Now prepare to face my mighty transformation!
KER-TRANS-FORM!
What the hell is that meant to be?
I... don't know.

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
10-02-01
Hi there. Can I interest you in joining the university gaming society?
RAAR! TOBOR ONLY INTERESTED IN CORNHOLING GAMES!
There's no cornholing I'm afraid. It's strictly live roleplaying where we run around the woods in loincloths.
TOBOR LIKES PUTTING WOOD IN LOINCLOTHS. TOBOR WISHES TO JOIN.
Well you're more than welcome to come along with us. Do you have a weapon? I have a latex samurai sword. I call it DragonSmiter.
LATEX? TOBOR NOT INTO THAT. SOON YOU WILL FACE TOBOR'S MIGHTY STAFF, ARSESPLITTER.

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
10-02-01
Woo-hoo!

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
10-02-01
I'm the fucking daddy!

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
10-02-01
III've... been pissing in the wiiiind...

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
10-04-01
What the hell am I doing here?

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
10-04-01
I'm the fucking daddy!
Shit.

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
10-05-01

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
10-07-01
Captain! The Thromboloids are getting dangerously close to our main thrusters. If they break through, we're all doomed!
Well, ensign, I'll make it your responsibility to go out there and take them out. It'll be dangerous, but I have every confidence in you.
But Captain, can we not zap them from here with our discombobulator ray?
Discombobulator ray? You just made that up, didn't you?
Yes.

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
10-10-01
Hi there, my name is Snow. You may remember me from my top hit single "Informer" in the early 90s, about me getting arrested.
A lot of people ask me if the song was true, to which I reply of course not. I would never get caught for such a wack-ass crime. I'm a hard-ass G.
Lights on punk. It's shower time.
Oh god, not again...

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
10-10-01
"Oh no my wife has left me with three kids and my tough stressful job as a stockbroker"
No, there's something not quite right about that.
How about I play it as a gritty working-class Northerner?
Hmm, that could work...
"Oooh ecky thump my missus has left me wit' nowt but three kids and a reet tough job down the mine"
It's a hit! "The next Full Monty!"

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
10-10-01
Megatron! Your infernal schemes will come to nothing as long as I live.
You're too late this time Optimus Prime. In but three seconds I will enslave every puny earthling on this planet.
Oh no! What fiendish transformation do you have this time?
KER-TRANS-FORM!
Nooooo!
Hello, and welcome to QVC- the shopping channel.

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
10-11-01
Hey there little boy. Do you remember me from my musical heyday? I'm Scatman John!
You're joking, pops. You were never famous. You're just a washed up old tramp trying to con his way into my pants.
Let me show you: Skee badabadabop badabadabop biddle iddle iddly bob skidaddle bob.
Just give it up old man. There's no way you were even in the pop charts.
It was a big hit in Germany.
Oh, okay. Now I believe you.

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
10-12-01
Hey Jesus, this car you built me is a dud!
Hey! It was sold as seen. You drove off in it, it's your problem.
You told me it could drive over water.
You got that on paper? I don't see that on paper. You can't prove anything.
Ding a ding dang my dang a long ling long!
Don't even think about it.

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
10-14-01
When I bought this car off you, you assured me it had only had one previous owner, and that was an old lady.
Your point being?
It turned out she was the 1948 rally champion, and that was the car she drove in her final race, before being forced into early retirement due to a head-on collision with a tree.
So whatchoo gonna do about it?
ticky ticky ticky ticky son of a gun
Stop that.

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
10-14-01
You've gone too far. This car has square wheels. How is it supposed to get anywhere?
I told you, it's the amazing Levi-Car (c). It flies, don't it?
Well you're right there. It doesn't fly. It barely moves.
Not my problem. It's your car now.
bing bip bip a bop bop boom bam
Look pal, you can ding a ding dang my dang a long ling long all day. It's your bloody car now.

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
10-14-01
Alright Dave? How are things?
Pretty good, although I appear to have turned into a small chinese girl.
Bummer. See you then.

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
10-14-01
How's it going Dave? You look depressed.
That bastard in the pub refused to serve me because I look underage.
He wouldn't even accept my offer of sucky fucky ten dollar love.

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
10-14-01
Are you getting used to being a Chinese girl then, Dave?
It's not too bad. I went out and bought a vibrator today.
That's just sick!
You can borrow it if you want.
You needing it tonight?

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
10-14-01
Alright Pete? It's me, Dave.
Alright Dave. You're looking kind of... different today.
Yeah, I'm a Chinese girl.
Oh...
Get your tits out then.

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
10-14-01
Alright Dave? How are things today?
Don't ask.

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
10-14-01
So there I was, standing on the street corner, when this guy came up and asked if I was in the So Solid Crew.
So what did you do?
Told him I was, didn't I? He was so impressed, he insisted on buying me a drink.
Nice one!
Hold on. What the hell are you?

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
10-14-01
Obviously the best song ever is "Crazy Horses" by the Osmonds.
I disagree. It's got to be MC Hammer. He had big trousers.
Yeah, but lyrically he was sub-par compared to the likes of NWA and Public Enemy and other rap groups of the time.
But MC Hammer wasn't aiming to be in competition with their political stylings. He was going for the pop market appeal. And he had big trousers.
I don't care. MC Hammer was crap. You just like him because he did the soundtrack to the Addams Family film and you were in it.
That's right! I was a prop!

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
10-14-01
Honestly officer, we were just trying to see how many of us could fit in the Mini. We had no intention of actually driving it anywhere.

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
10-15-01
I am sad an unhappy.
Why?
My wife has left me for a dishwasher.
Where does he work? Want me to go kill him?
No, an actual dishwasher.

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
10-15-01
It says here that apparently anthrax smells like hammers.
That's why I'm carrying this one around, so I can compare.
But surely you then wouldn't be able to tell the anthrax from your actual hammer.
I've thought of that.
And?
I sprayed the hammer with Brut.

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
10-16-01
-Sniff sniff- Hey! This letter smells of hammers!
Haven't you heard? That's what antrax smells like.
That would explain all this white powder in the envelope.
Hmmm. So what does the letter say?
"Dear son, happy birthday."
That's weird, it's not even your birthday.

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
10-16-01
Help me Jesus, I think I've caught anthrax!
There there little friend. Can you smell hammers?
No, but I have all the symptoms, nausea, vomiting, vicious internal bleeding.
Look, it's not anthrax unless it smells of hammers. You must just have the plague or something.
The plague is still pretty nasty.
Nope, not interested. No hammers, so miraculous healing.

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
10-16-01
Now, I want you to install this new toilet seat.
Yes boss!
Hmmm, let's see if this has the desired effect.
Later...
So, do you now accept toilet seats as our ultimate masters?
Not really. And I still don't see the point in putting one in your car.

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
10-17-01
There doesn't seem to be anyone around. Seems like a perfect time to rob this pornography shop.
Not so fast- evildoer!
Optimus Prime! But what are you doing in this dirty book shop?
Eh, well, um...

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
10-17-01
Sake mon this dobber squirrel gettin' booted tae. This is ma bacardi breezer drinkin' spot ya bas.
No so fast!
Whit the-?
KER-TRANS-FORM!
Decepticons!
That's right kid. Now hand over the booze!

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
10-17-01
Isn't it a lovely sunset? I'm so glad you could come out tonight with me and Mittens. It's always nice to have company. Wine?
- Bzzt! -
What the- ?
KER-TRANS-FORM!
Decepticons!
That's right, Dr K! Now gimme that wine! All of it!

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
10-17-01
Of course I love you. I'll leave my wife, I promise you. Love you. No, really, I do. She means nothing to me, the slag. You're the one for me, honest.
Stop right there!
Huh?
KER-TRANS-FORM!
Decepticons!
That's right, bud! I've been recording all your calls, and if you don't give me the keys to the liquor cabinet right now, I'm telling your wife everything!

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
10-17-01
Hi Tricky, I'm just here to sort out the rider for your tour. You're teetotal, right? So no alcohol for you.
Fnnnng! Brrrrm! Grrrrr! Mrrrrrrrrr!
Huh? Tricky?
KER-TRANS-FORM!
Decepticons!
Correct, bucko! Now- teetotal shmeetotal. Make with the booze, fleshling!

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
10-17-01
-Sigh- another day of standing about being the defaults nearly over, and then we can go to the pub and get hammered.
Mmm, can't wait.
Hey! What's going on? You know you're not allowed to move until 5.30.
KER-TRANS-FORM!
Decepticons!
Spot on, girly! Now sod waiting til 5.30- you're taking me to the pub NOW! And you're getting the first round in.

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
10-18-01
One day at the ranch...
So I says, "Well, them rotor turbines ain't gonna generate gravitons by themselves!"
Ha ha! -bzzt! -
Crivvens! What's going on?
KER-TRANS-FORM!
Decepticons!
You got it, mate! Now gimme that horse, I've got a hankerin' for some lovin' tonight! And get me some booze!

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
10-18-01
Wow, Tricky, I'm so glad to be playing the drums for you. What do you think?
I'm not too happy with it. Go out and buy some pork pies. Use them instead of the sticks.
Ha ha ha ha ha! What- really? That's just stupid!
Yeah, motherfucker. Go get me some pies! Fnnnng! Grrrrm! Brrrrrm! Rrrrraaarrr!
Later...
No, you're right. That does sound shit.

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
10-18-01
Hello, I love you. What's going on?
No rain.
I can't stand the rain.
Nevermind. Cigarettes and alcohol? Let's get dirty under the bridge.
Why? I don't smoke. Do you really want to hurt me?
Touch me. I want your sex. Say my name, bitch!

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
10-19-01
...yes, I did turn all that water in to wine. Does that answer your question, child?
Yes Jesus. Wow you certainly -bzzt!- are great.
Holy-!
KER-TRANS-FORM!
Decepticons!
Damn right beardo. Now, I've got a tanker of water over there. Get to work!

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
10-20-01
Russel Crowe! What are you doing in this US Army barracks?
I'm doing research for my latest film, where I play a gruff yet studly US Army recruit.
Yes, but why are you going through the soldiers' underwear drawers?
Um... I'm studying how such a close gathering of macho types is a breeding ground for homosexuality.
I see... Want to play the biscuit game?
Yeah, okay.

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
10-21-01
I tried to enlist, but they wouldn't have me.
Apparently they don't like blues in the army

Showing page 2.

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