All comics by sandinmycrack

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by sandinmycrack
12-30-04
what seems to be troubling you my son?
I've been losing faith father, ever since my little brother died, two years ago.
This news weighs heavy on my heart, but it was Gods plan for your brother to be killed in that drive by.
My brother died of cancer.
I'm sorry the house of God is no place for lies, dont worry though there is a nice watermelon stand outside aswell. Please dont steal anything on your way out.
You're an Asshole.

 

by sandinmycrack
12-30-04
Hello Mr Where Am I?
Why hello Cindy-Lou You are in "THE LAND OF MAKE BELIEVE!" My name is Clowny Lopez
Hello Clowny Lopez! Wow You mean this is make believe?
Yes it is! All of your magical dreams can come true!..There are horses that ride people, and water in the sky and sky in the water! Its a magical mystical place!
Wow, I would make believe a better place than this shit hole.
Shut up and accept it Or Clowly Lopez Will Stick a Unicorn up your ass.

 

by sandinmycrack
12-30-04
Cindy-Lou How Are You?
Pretty good Clowny Lopez.
That news rings nice in my ear, and makes me smile from there to here!
Why are you rhyming Clowny Lopez? Are you Muffy fuckin' Mouse All of a sudden?
you just ruined everything. Get the hell out of the land of make believe.
Sorry Clowny Lopez

 

by sandinmycrack
12-30-04
Where am I?
Are you dumb Cindy Lou This is the land of Make Believe. My name is Clowny Lopez
Everything is alot scarier than usual.
Did you remember to drink your childrens cough syrup this morning?
No. Why Clowny Lopez?
Just come back with some childrens cough syrup..But save some for me.

 

by sandinmycrack
12-30-04
want to play hopscotch?
OK!
ok You go hop ill drink the scotch!
*QUEEF*
Ew.
*QUEEF*

 

by sandinmycrack
12-30-04
What is troubling you my child?
ACH! my faith is lacking father
So are your underpants, please leave your filth outside of the House Of God. Remember Jesus is the "Lamb of God' not "sheep of God" I know how you Scots are.
..wait a second..
Go toss a Caber Somewhere else my child.
you're an asshole.

 

by sandinmycrack
12-30-04
Hello my child what is worrying you?
I dont have enough money to pay child support for my boy and i am relying on alcohol as an escape from my problems.
You're Son is David Correct?
Ya he is an altar boy here.
Looks like you should of taken my advice in the first place in having that abortion. Now look at the mess you're in.
You're an asshole.

 

by sandinmycrack
1-01-05
Dear sandinmycrack, with all the sad events taking place in todays world i am losing faith. Ive been thinking about donating food to the survivors of the recent earthquakes. Any Recomendations?
Hmm it is a rather unfortunate event and you are only one person looking after so many people.
The answer is easy. Send Banana's! No one likes to see starving monkeys!

 

by sandinmycrack
3-28-05
Hey I want to learn the mysteries of Shaolin Kung Fu!
You are not ready.
But Mr Miyagi!
Who is Mr Miyagi?
You're not Mr Miyagi? Oh...Fuck you than.
*sob*

 

by sandinmycrack
3-30-05
Larry Schiavo It has been years since you suffered brain damage and everyone is talking about pulling your feeding tube. I your father know you want to keep living dont you?
gurg
DID YOU HEAR THAT?!! HE WANTS TO LIVE!!!
please kill me.

 

by sandinmycrack
3-30-05
Hey like my new goatee? I've been growing it in for 2 weeks now but its not as nice as yours.
But given another week, when "THE SEXIEST GOATTEE IN THE OFFICE" competition comes along, you may lose this year.
I dont think so. You see the last guy who tried to strip me of the crown was Old Man Jenkins..And well we all know what happened to him.

 

by sandinmycrack
3-30-05
Officer!! OFFICER HELP ME IVE BEEN RAPED!!
...
AHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!

 

by sandinmycrack
3-30-05
Remember that episode of Mr. Belvedere when Wesley was molested at camp by the camp councillor?
I always find that episode difficult to watch, because it reminds me of a personal experience in camp.
It's hard being fired from your dream job.

 

by sandinmycrack
3-30-05
Remember those war amp commercials with ASTAR the robot?
He was right!

 

by sandinmycrack
3-31-05
I want to be the new pope!
UGTARD!!
Damnit you can never be serious you queef
*QUEEF*
NO!!! I HATE YOU!! GO DIE!!
Kiss My Grits

 

by sandinmycrack
3-31-05
Before you pass judgment i was hoping i can say a few words in my defense...
thank you.
The franklin operation was a set up.

 

by sandinmycrack
4-23-05
MWAHAHAHA!! When the kids see this spooky jack o lantern this Halloween they are going to FREAK!
...
MWAHAHAH I am so evil!!

 

by sandinmycrack
4-30-05
May I help you? TREMBLE BEFORE ME!!
Hello Mr. Satan sir, i was wondering if you would like to support the girl guides and buy a box of cookies?
Are they evil cookies?
No, they are for a good cause.
Dont come back here ever again until you join the EVIL Girl Guides...Until then I'll take one box because cookies are delicious! MWAHAHAHAH!!!
yes sir.

 

by sandinmycrack
4-30-05
I understand your the bathroom attendant, but would you please give me some privacy.
Can I touch your face?

 

by sandinmycrack
9-14-05
Yknow...
It has to be tough for sufferers of Progeria..
..I mean, do they pay admission for children or seniors?

 

by sandinmycrack
10-25-05
Gary, maybe you should lay off the coffee you look like you havent slept for days.
No! I waited 9 Long months to use this "Number One Dad" mug, and damnit now that the baby is out, I intend on using it as much as possible!
Ok Gary. There is only one problem.
What's that?
Your baby was stillborn.
Shut up and get me some more coffee!

 

by sandinmycrack
10-25-05
Hello little boy, having fun in the park I see?
I'm not suppose to talk to strangers.
Well dont worry, I'm not suppose to abduct young boys
But I wont tell if you wont.

 

by sandinmycrack
10-25-05
Hey man cool costume. I love Frank The Bunny from Donnie Darko.
What did you say?
Your costume man..Donnie Darko is so awesome. Did you see The Corpse Bride yet?..It is amazing! We should go take pictures in the cemetery and listen to some "HIM" albums. How about it?

 

by sandinmycrack
10-26-05
Thank you for the mug! Wow it says "NUMBER ONE DAD" What a thoughtful gift son.
What are you talking about? You bought that mug for yourself.
I know, but since your Father died I have some big shoes to fill. I thought this would help fill that void.
You thought a mug would fill the void of my dead father?! A MUG?!!! You arent even married to mom you just wake up here with a hangover every saturday after fucking her! I fucking hate you Gary!
HEY WATCH YOUR MOUTH!!...Call me Daddy.

 

by sandinmycrack
10-26-05
MOM MOM LOOK!!! THOSE GHOSTS ARE HANGING DAD FROM A TREE!
HAHAHAHA those arent ghosts..they are Klansmen! AHAHAHAH
OOH!!! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!
HAHAHAHAHA!!
Kids say the darndest things!

 

by sandinmycrack
1-10-06
Trick Or Treat!
Aren't you a little old to be trick or treating?
Holy Crap! You are Abe Vigoda! Wait until I tell everyone that Abe Vigoda:"Otis" from "Good Burger" lives in my neighborhood!
You know i was also "Sal Tessio" in "the Godfather" aswell
Wow, the honorable"judge powell" from "Jury Duty" himself.
Please kill me.

 

by sandinmycrack
1-19-06
Im sorry to bother you but i was brought here to investigate child abuse claims.
Thats right, I beat my kid often.
That is illegal sir, I'm afraid I have to take you in.
Maybe you didnt see my mug.
"Number One Dad"? I wouldnt be able to live with myself knowing i locked up such a good father! I'm sorry for this inconvenience, you are free to go.
Good thing otherwise i wouldnt be able to test my hypothethis "Stabbing 5 year old through the hand with a screwdriver will cause him to cry".

 

by sandinmycrack
1-20-06
*choke* Gary ...the watercooler is broken....can i have a sip from your..mug *choke*
No way Barry, this is my "Number One Dad" mug I cant let just anyone drink from it. Besides you dont even have kids.
*choke* Yes i do,.. I have 3....kids*choke gag*
Well you obviously arent a very good one, seeing as you dont bring a mug saying how good you are to the office.
*choke*ACK!!!! I'm a great father...*CHOKE!!!*
Choke on your lies.

 

by sandinmycrack
1-25-06
It sure gets lonely being a bathroom attendent. No one wants to make conversation with me, they just look at me like I'm less of a man and leave as quick as possible.
People just crap all over us and leave. But we will always have each other isnt that right Flushy?
Whats that? You want me to lick you?

 

by sandinmycrack
2-05-06
Hey there baby are you from tennesse? Because you are the only TEN I SEE!
Damn you are smooth. I like your mug"Number One Dad". Does your wife know you are picking up girls at the bar?
The mug says "Number One Dad" not "Number One Husband". Besides she is out of town.
Really? Then who is looking after your kid?
Dont worry about him. I have him bound and gagged to the bed Like Sharon Stone did in "Casino".
Wow you're practical and a great father! Lets get out of here!

 

by sandinmycrack
10-17-06
I'm sorry sir, your toilet trained cat ran in here and I didnt know what to do for it when it was finished.
Thats ok. I take my Mr Jingles everywhere, especially to fancy French restuarants and let him use the toilets.
Well, I attempted my bathroom attendant duties and tried to wash and dry his hands but he wouldn't have any of it.
Ya like most cats Mr. Jingles doesn't care for water.
I wish you were here earlier to tell me that before Mr. Jingles punctured my scrotum.
Oh he would of done that anyways. Bathroom attendants make us sick.

 

by sandinmycrack
10-17-06
Hey Bonesy, its almost halloween do you have any safety tips for the little trick or treaters?
I sure do Dr. Spookenmeyer! Dont enter a strangers house for candy. Always wait outside with a Guardian or friend.
Gosh Bonesy You sure know alot about halloween safety.
I should, afterall i am the decaying corpse of a 13 year old girl you raped, killed and raped again last halloween.
HAHAHAHA OH BONESY! Atleast you got some gummi worms out of the deal.
I NOW HUNGER FOR CANDIED SOULS!!!

 

by sandinmycrack
2-19-07
Hello, I would like to sign up for clown college please.
I'm sorry we dont enroll retards. People are conditioned not to laugh at them.
I'm not retarded i am handicapped.
I say po-TAY-to, you say po-TAH-to.
HEY!
Oh I'm sorry retard. I meant "I say po-TAY-to, you say something incoherent, crap your pants, than drool all over your shirt" . Get the fuck out of here Master Blaster!

 

by sandinmycrack
2-19-07
I have good news! your daughters abortion was a complete success!
I dont have a daughter, you aborted her remember? I am here to pick up some birth control.
Well I recommend more abortions afterall you cant spell "Birth control" without "abortion".
Yes you can.
Really? I will be damned! From now on i want you to perform the abortions!
Well the only coat hangers you have here are those plastic ones that are in a fixed position, how the hell am i suppose to work with those? What kind of plunger do you guys keep in the utility closet?

 

by sandinmycrack
2-22-07
Childrens Letters To Jesus..UNDER THE SEA!
Hey jesus! this letter comes from Little Timmy Tonko from Boise Idaho.
Blessed be the one who reads Jesus' mail for him.
I'm sorry, I cant read.
Than how did you know who sent it?
Look, this isnt Mr Rogers Neighborhood and I sure as hell aint Mr. Mcfeely so read your own god damn letter ok?
Ok, throw it in with the rest of the unread childrens letters... Man I wish i could scratch my ass.

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