All comics by seinfeld_fan_13

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by seinfeld_fan_13
3-14-05
Hey excuse me sir, do you know where the gay bar is?
Eww your homosexual.... uh just down the street to the left...
So do you want to go to the movies after our quick drink Mr.?
Yeah right! If you're going to be gay, go to the gay bar across the street you gay ass!
This hammar and nail always comes in handy... that stupid kid!
hey buddy...if i go to the movies and pretend to be gay with you will you pay for the ticket, and buy me more beer. I'm out of my life savings already

 

by seinfeld_fan_13
3-14-05
Hey ya stupid kid... open up... oh shit! I forgot you're grown up!
Sit your ass down! You think i'm going to let you get away with all the precious hours you took away from me and the atari? Hell no. *Bang*
Holy shit! It was that easy? All i needed was a freaken gun, and this would of been over with 10, 12 years ago? Where the hell is mom?!

 

by seinfeld_fan_13
3-14-05
Welcome to channel 73 news..."the news that people cared about last week, but don't now."
That's right... we did forget to check on George bush last week so here's the latest news of what we like to call "Survivor Iraq"... we will monitor bush until he dies of hatrid...
...just yesterday Bush ran for president, and tried to bann marrying their cousins...
...he later found out that everybody living there was all part of only 1 family...let's show you a clip...
"Survivor Iraq" - Day 1
Hey fellow friends, as going for president i feel that we should bomb iraq with all the weapons of mass destruction we have. Oh shit... Wrong Q-card!

 

by seinfeld_fan_13
3-14-05
Welcome to channel 73 News... the longest ever broadcasted program that lasted over 12 different airing times...on channel 73...
...you have got to be proud about that lenny... anyway, lets go to Iraq, and check on old bush...
"Survivor Iraq" - Day 7 (Lisa: He has recently taken up cock vs. goat fighting as a part-time hobby...)
cock, cock, cock-a-doodle-doo...
I am not goat... i am cousin Armahateytournahad! And i am trying to get a haircut!
"Survivor Iraq" - Day 9 (Lenny: He then went on to playing rock, paper, scissors with the local villagers...)
I won there Kramahass! The score's 92-39... Ha Ha!
Nope, nope you didn't ween mr. George! Go screw yourself!

 

by seinfeld_fan_13
3-14-05
Guess what time it is?
Its time to go straight to Iraq where we watch survivor "Iraq"...
"Survivor Iraq" - Day 20
It's so hot...We havn't eaten in 18 days Karamu.... oh im too tired to try and pronounce and also say your 50 letter name...
What are you saying strange man?
The severe heat casted on his soul making him a weak, and drowsy soldier all alone... or maybe...yeah it could of been the drugs....
Ohhhh... you sizzling piece of porky meat... i want to eat you so bad, but i cant move...
You very strange man! You want to eat me? I haven't showered in 3 decades!

 

by seinfeld_fan_13
3-14-05
Down in a frantic Texas, an italian mobster is regaining his strength to be able to cope with his surroundings...
Whata is thisa weird place? Fried chicken, 3 for 1 pizza, i am living in a prettya shitty food environment!
And you're telling me, we have no pakistani food here! But, I am a skilled child labourer and work for a non-profit organization!
IMMIGRANTS MAY EXIT THE AIRLINE
where am i goinga mr Americana?
wha?....uh...come with me...
The american takes Joe to the local fast food joint...
Whata the hell isa this placa? The menu hasa no lasagna, good pizza, nothing!
I, like all southern americans like to get drunk, hi, and slack off a lot... you my friend would take over for me as cashier...and best of all, you wont get paid!

 

by seinfeld_fan_13
3-14-05
Whata the hella doa you wanta?
woah! watch the gun man! Yes, guns are allowed here which is stupid because thats why our crime rate is so high, but its supposed to be for self-defense!
Yah, whya youa bother mea?
I'll have a 2 pound burger, 1 bag of fries, 2 litre coke, and supersize please...
No, youa eata that shita? no no no! I make youa fresha lasagna... okay? Hey chef Morty... make ita quick... next...
What the hell are you talking about? Stick the shit in the damn deep frier, and give me my food! And, there is no "chef Morty" You're the Janitor, cashier, and chef at one time.. that is your shift!

 

by seinfeld_fan_13
3-14-05
*BANG*
no no no! I no do thata! I shoota youa! Now morty... no mora lasagna... i'a goa now... youa take over! Okay? okay...ciao!
Meester....what about me?
Ahhh.. go suck a lemon stupida child! Now geta away befora i shoot!
*sob *sob* Mommy!
The allys of Dallas Texas
hey G's look at dis guy here, what you man?
I am a skilled mobster named Joe, and i am searching for my other 7 members of the Italian Mob...

 

by seinfeld_fan_13
3-14-05
I knew i shouldn't of hada thata marajuanna... it burnsa my soel to listena to americana people...
Oh...uh..hey man?
Whera ama i? Oh you againa?
uh..yeah.. im always here... i was suppost to be in the fast food place doing community service... so i said screw it, and went somewhere else. They saw you on the floor and saw me too, which is how..
...no one ever listens to me...
*Bang* Shhhh i justa shota the guarda, lets quickly geta outta here!...

 

by seinfeld_fan_13
3-14-05
Hey mom, trying to leave me again while you're on the annual trip to chicago?
AHAHAHAHAH!
*Bang*
Wait....shit! That didn't solve anything.... wait who are you... Mr.Monopoly?
What are ya doin' son? Your mom just died of a heart attack... since she wasn't fully dead yet, you're in for murder... if you wanted to kill her, you should of done it a long time ago alone...

 

by seinfeld_fan_13
3-14-05
You know God, i have to tell you something...
Yes i know you died for other peoples sins.... you've said that so many times...
No father...
What is it?
Being born on December 25th made me the youngest kid in my class in school, in daycare, and in university... i was always called a "baby"
Yeah it's true, being born on January 1st, i had a lot of control back then... makes me think i had more back then than now...

 

by seinfeld_fan_13
3-14-05
You know what God? Dieing on the cross is one thing, and to stay on it for the rest of eternity is another...
you're dead! What difference does it make?
Thats easy for you to say... your laying on a soft, fluffy cloud right now drinking a martini...im laying on a vertical wooden board with nails in my hands..
What'ya gonnqa do... you actually got to live on earth, and i didn't
can i have a sip of that martini please?
Over my dead body. Wait...does that make sense?

 

by seinfeld_fan_13
3-14-05
God, do you think i need to shave?
Well you look like "father time" for one thing...
My right arm still hurts from when santa claus hit me... those were the days...
no..no that was rudolf...
Flasback to 1850...
Owww!
Sorry...wow! am i that bigger than you?

 

by seinfeld_fan_13
3-15-05
Hey ma'
ya what!
Guess what place i came in at the bike race?
Last!
No ma' I came second out of two racers!
Ohhh... you're gettin' a spankin' tonight Robby!

 

by seinfeld_fan_13
3-15-05
You know what God? There are people who are not catholic, but still go to heaven...
Like, what's the point of going to church, because right after you die you're here with me forever in eternity...
I think they really care about us son...
Ahh... come on... all they want is to be cured of innosence, and they go back to doing bad things again...
good point...

 

by seinfeld_fan_13
3-15-05
Hey Dog?
What Derek?
Can you try and convince the cat to go through the cat flap... it costed me 35 dollars!
So will you?
I have an even better solution... lock it in the room, and if its smart enough it would escape through the flap... If it doesn't come out and dies, that would be a good lesson for it to learn...

 

by seinfeld_fan_13
3-15-05
*Typing* Dear a'mama... i'a had a bad tima so far... i worka at the shitty fast food restauranta, and i'a go to jail...
...no americana are nice to me'a... i feel'a really lonely... mama i wanta to com'a home but i can'ta because my'a passport was stolen by some stupida kidsa with da paint ball gunsa... so i'a shoota..
them with my real guna... Email me'a at Joe@Immigrant.com. ciao mamma... viva italia!

 

by seinfeld_fan_13
3-15-05
Hello polica officer... My name is Joe, have you'a seen these'a 7 people anywhera?
Oh yeah actually, they were recently kidnapapped by a man named Kevin Nowortiskeenski, the polish mob leader...
Oh no... he is'a my arch rival! I must'a get him, and stop this feud with'a Italia and poland... i must also save my mob...
Do you know where he is'a?
Well... uh.. if i uh did, wouldn't i be goin' out and gettin' him? Actually i wouldn't because my job is just to scare people so they dont commit crimes... not to catch them..

 

by seinfeld_fan_13
3-15-05
Is that'a why'a you look like'a you are writing in that book'a, but really your're not?
wha...yeah i guess... listen buddy...please dont make me think so hard.. that will affect my brain tumor..
So thata is'a why he is'a wearing da hat of da police... very clever man... oh look... a trail of polish kubassa... salami's worst'a enemy!
...that must'a mean'a only one thing... Mr. Kevin L. Nowortiskeenski'a!
Why are you staring at me like that you idiot? Screw off!

 

by seinfeld_fan_13
3-15-05
Are you Kevin L. Nowortiskeenski'a?
No i am that pakistany that you met at the plane... remember... child labourer? I am currently working at the local slaughterhouse... you really should stop by one time... it's really neat and gory...
Are you Kevin L. Nowortiskeenski'a?
No, i'm Kevin M. Nowortiskeenski?
Damnit! I was so close with that last guy... are you Kevin L. Nowortiskeenski'a?
First of all don't stare there... i feel a little uncomfortable... As a matter a fact...

 

by seinfeld_fan_13
3-15-05
...I am Kevin L. Nowortiskeenski, and i will kill you're whole mob!
Hey Giovanni hand me'a de pizza roller that was'a mysteriously placed on the ground... *Grabbes roller and smackes Kevin the polish leader* Ah Ha Ha ha!
MOB: Help, help Joe!
Nice try, thanks to my muscle enhansers aka.. "sterroids" i am able to not wimp out of the fight...
whats your'a point'a. Screw you! *Shoots kevin in the head* Ah ha ha ha!
MOB: Yaa... GO JOE! GO JOE!
Ok you win, you lucky bastard...
in'a highschool i'a was always worse than Mario and'a luigi, and now'a i am a better den all of dem! No fruitcake polish asshole is going to kill my mob! Lets'a get out of here!

 

by seinfeld_fan_13
3-15-05
Dude you're like the best...uh... kinda...american ever dude!
Yeah'a dude..what is dude..well i gotta go'a, ciao slacking, drunk'a texans! If you're wondering who told me that, it was my good friend'a becide'a me!
Hey mario... i'a am'a glad to a save'a you!
me too... me too!
ATTENTION IMMIGRANTS WE'LL BE TAKING OFF...NO CHEERING!
Hey mob! We'a go home'a amd make a nice lasagna okay! Or maybe a mamma make da lasagna, and we eat it!
OKAY!! *Shouting*

 

by seinfeld_fan_13
3-16-05
Bob has a hang over... is also late for work for a promotion...
Ahh shit.. i got a damn hangover from that St. patricks festival! Stupid festivals! Well, its time for my big promotion...
Back at the restaurant... bob's been working as a janitor, chef and waitor at the same time...
Uhh... hows your meal coming along...
i didnt order lasagna... actually i did, but why the hell is there a clomp of freakin' hair in it!
Honey... you havent even looked at your food yet.
*chews* Ewww! This food tastes like shit... wait, it is shit! Uhhhh! Waiter what the hell did you do! Why is there a clump of crap in my stuffed pepper?

 

by seinfeld_fan_13
3-17-05
God, please get me some insect repelent, these damn termites have been chewing at my legs for the last 932 years!
Go run over to the corner store ya hippie!
i can barely move!
What are you chicken? Bock, bock, bock!
Sorry sir, we only exept american money...
Arrgh! Damn Canadian currency! Its never useful, except for those gumball machines..

 

by seinfeld_fan_13
3-17-05
Father, didn't i rise from the dead remember?
Ya, so what!
Then why am i still on this cross?
Listen, i dont know and i dont care.hey the paper says that michael jackson at 83 molested 6 more children last week. im gonna give him a beating when he gets up here...
isn't he going to hell...
naa...there is no hell...

 

by seinfeld_fan_13
3-18-05
A family takes a trip to a winery...
Hey guys we're here! Everybody out!
Come on Stacy, hurry up!
Mommy howcome this place smells like daddys breath all the time?

 

by seinfeld_fan_13
3-18-05
What do you mean "There is no hell"? Of coarse there's hell! Where do you think hitler went...
and Osama bin laden, and martha stewart will go?
huh?!
Their spirits stay on earth haunting people...don't worry, the hitler ghost is at the best place it could be... at "Neverland"...or not...

 

by seinfeld_fan_13
3-18-05
Lord, do you think i ganed a little weight in the past?
Ha, ha, ha, ha! You're fat!
Like... i tried the subway diet, but it just kept giving me severe cramps
Ha, ha, ha, ha!
You're so damn lucky i havn't seen you in the past 2000 years!
Damn right.... and im loving every moment i can salvage in this life...

 

by seinfeld_fan_13
3-18-05
You're mean! You told me when i was preying to you that you would forgive me after killing my stepmother...
now im going to hell thanks to you!
see there is a hell!
That doesn't mean i wont leave jackson unpunished!

 

by seinfeld_fan_13
3-18-05
Michael Jackson? How did you die...
Rabies... uh... now i know to never try and rape a chipmunk again...
Hey God, im going to heaven right?
i dont know yet... just get down on the damn ground, and do the moon walk!
but im 83, and i-
hey, if you can rape a chipmunk you can do the moonwalk on the ground buddy!

 

by seinfeld_fan_13
3-18-05
Ok... so i did a moonwalk upside down, backwards, with stilts, balancing on a paper clip glued to canadian toonies... so now can i go to heaven?
hmmmm...
no...
aww... can i atleast go back to earth...
of coarse... you still have 304 trials to attend!... Then you go to hell...

 

by seinfeld_fan_13
3-19-05
Don't you feel like that we wasted our whole lives...
of coarse... you lived barely 2 decades, and i never lived on earth...
we can put people back on earth, but we can't make "ourselves" go back to earth...
wait a minute... is this just a scheme so i would let you off the cross?
well... no...
fine.. i would of let you down, and we would of lived in earth.. so i guess you really enjoy the cross.. *crunch* mmmm... smoked salmon. Crunchy? What the hell?...

 

by seinfeld_fan_13
3-19-05
Bye god... it's really starting to snow... it's time i better start to hybernate before the demons try to hammer excessive nails into my hands...
Goodnight... mmmmm... big macs... the gift of being in heaven...
God have you been listening to me this whole comic series, or are you just an "irresponsible drinker"?
A bit of both...
I guess the thing about the demons and the nails weren't true, so i dont have to hybernate... *Zzzzz*
Uhh boss.. it's not that fun when he's sleeping... you can de-tranqualize the guard to the gate of heaven...

 

by seinfeld_fan_13
3-19-05
do de doo...
huh?
Oh shit!
What?
This is my sixth time this year smoking marajuanna that i've mistaken christmas for a differant holiday!..sorry easter bunny...
No, No, it's christmas, and i'm not the easter bunny. I was just a hired hitman to make people think i was the easter bunny... just pretend you didn't see nothing!

 

by seinfeld_fan_13
3-30-05
American Baseball Sterroid Usage Research Sociaty of America
Yes! I have finally found a solution to figure out if the baseball players in the MLB use sterroids!
Whithout using the "urine test" which is smelly, and usually causes AIDS and SARS?
Thats right LP... thats right... hey mark mcGuire... get your ass over here!
Yes.. possesed scientist?
Now.. this is the test... if your hand is bigger than your face you have been using sterroids!
Damnit!.. and to think i could get away with it by retiring just before the MLB had just found out that the whole Anaheim Angel team were using it!

 

by seinfeld_fan_13
3-30-05
Oh too bad that stupid cat had to get hit by a car last night!
What will i do to cope with this loss dog?
hmmm.....
You know how you always wanted to buy a fur coat, because you felt you were too manely?......there's some leftover fur in the room over there....
Great idea! I'll trade a "dead cat" for the fur coat... gotcha!

 

by seinfeld_fan_13
4-13-05
Mars 2021
there coming up with another seinfeld episode later this fall...
so... what do you think?
...whats gonna happen now, kramer running into doors, and newman being 200 pounds larger?
No, this new episode is actually going to be about something...
oh, another one of those typical sitcoms... man, they were so the 90's...

 

by seinfeld_fan_13
4-13-05
Mars 2021
there coming up with another seinfeld episode later this fall...
so... what do you think?
...whats gonna happen now, kramer running into doors, and newman being 200 pounds larger?
No, this new episode is actually going to be about something...
oh, another one of those typical sitcoms... man, they were so the 90's...

 

by seinfeld_fan_13
4-13-05
The recent tests have stated that std's can be transfered through sweat...
hmm...
These tests are 100% correct...
you're just asking for it...
Basketball Game: Knicks vs. Bulls
Get back! I'll wrag you!
damn

 

by seinfeld_fan_13
4-23-05
today is a very weird day...
why is that?
because your here!
you may all collapse in peace....
thank god she didnt notice i hadnt taken a shower in 5 months...

 

by seinfeld_fan_13
4-29-05
Star wars episode IVXI
Luke, i am your father... actually to break it to you, your mom gave birth to you before we got married...
what?... if i keep loving you, will that make me gay?
whatever you believe... whatever you beleive...i also got the force too you know...
wha?
Hey brian... i got a date with sarah in an hour... make the drink quick
ok... no problem

 

by seinfeld_fan_13
4-29-05
What? Charlie brown died 20 years ago... stupid lucy

 

by seinfeld_fan_13
5-07-05
Welcome to Mc Donalds! What do you want?
Im a food specialist... Ronald, you know you're making us fat with all that food, right?...
ya... so
how about something more on the fresh side, like fruits...
New special everybody... "Deep Fied Apples"... we call 'em Deefipples!
I have to go back to being a lawyer!

 

by seinfeld_fan_13
5-14-05
Hey Hal! ...do you remember your college math teacher back in '78?
Ya... what about him?
He died...
Oh well...
We're going to the funeral tommorow at 10:00am...
Ah, shit! I'm gonna get charged from the doctor... the cancelation is less than a 24 hour notice!

 

by seinfeld_fan_13
5-15-05
Jeff, come quick! Little billy's choking on some ice!
*choke*
Ah, stop worryin' kathy! It'll melt in a few minutes...
Watever you say jeff...

 

by seinfeld_fan_13
5-21-05
Can michael jackson avoid jail?
Rudolf with a nose that stays on tight, wont you slay the jury tonight...
hmmm
Come on man... the jury is against me in court...
No
im not even gonna ask
who are you?

 

by seinfeld_fan_13
6-23-07
Steve..I'm having a bit of an issue with you around the office.
What is it.. if you're referring to my sexuality, then I'll take this to the federal court for discrimination!
Oh- you can do that?
Yea-
Carry on then.. *Cheap ass Federal government..they must be packed with Gays*

 

by seinfeld_fan_13
6-23-07
Some time in the White House
Mr President.. Bush we have to take a greater look into the issue of Global Warming in North America
Why so?
Some time in the White House
Mr President.. Bush we have to take a greater look into the issue of Global Warming in North America
Why so?
Some time in the White House
Mr President.. Bush we have to take a greater look into the issue of Global Warming in North America
Why so?

 

by seinfeld_fan_13
6-23-07
Some time in the White House
Mr President.. Bush we have to take a greater look into the issue of Global Warming in North America
Why so?
Some time in the White House
It's beginning to melt the polar ice caps in the north.. the whole arctic will be devistated!
Ohh..
Some time in the White House
The Canadians are reallty having an issue with this..we MUST take action.
Is it really our problem? I thought only Canadians lived in them 'Igloos' Our brick homes would be fine.

 

by seinfeld_fan_13
6-24-07
Hey.. I'm feeling a bit lonely tonight.. Mind if I skewer my stick through your meat?
When I said that thing earlier.. I didn't mean make Shiskebabs..
I was planning to have sex AFTER this.

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