All comics by UnknownEric

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by UnknownEric
4-08-08
So I says, "This comic strip isn't going to produce cynicism by itself!"
Ha ha!
Fuck you.

 

by UnknownEric
4-15-08
So Debord's main thesis was that advanced capitalism and the media were to blame for replacing authentic personal interaction with its mere representation.
Oop, excuse me.
I sharted.

 

by UnknownEric
4-16-08
That was Three Dog Night with "Eli's Comin'"...
...I hope Eli's wearing a condom.

 

by UnknownEric
4-21-08
Put down the cat and walk away.
Okay.
His ass smells like shit.

 

by UnknownEric
4-25-08
I wrote this song after I planted a tree in my back garden that suddenly began growing vaginas.
Yeah, that's right... and then some fuckhead tried to steal it right from my yard.
So, I said, HEY... "This Is My Cunt Tree!"

 

by UnknownEric
4-29-08
With pick number deux-deux-deux in the NFL Draft...
...the Carolina Panthers select John Cleather, LB.
That's right. You're with me, Cleather.

 

by UnknownEric
4-29-08
Boomer and Keyshawn.
And we'll be back with ESPN's Draft coverage in just a minute...
Hey Boomer, why don't you tell the fans who you think will be picked next?
Why would I go and do that? That is such a stupid question.
What are you, stupid? That is so stupid.

 

by UnknownEric
4-29-08
And McNabb drops back to pass, and...
I'm sorry, I can't work with all those players moving around like that! Jesus Christ, it's distracting!
God, have they never worked on TV before? It's so goddamn rude!

 

by UnknownEric
5-13-08
I'm feelin' horny, I need a blow...
I call Suki Yaki and said
Whaddaya know?
She said
I am a whore, best in the business. I am a whore. W-H (beep beep) O-R-E!

 

by UnknownEric
5-20-08
Eric, we need you to go to the Technology Committee meeting today.
*sigh* Okay.
Later...
How was the meeting?
I'M DRUNK ON JARGON!!!

 

by UnknownEric
5-28-08
We've pretty much saturated the kids market with Thomas, we need to appeal to sophisticated adults...
Mature up the series a bit, eh?
Maybe a new theme song might help.
Okay, okay, how about "They're two, they're four, they're six, they're eight..."
...trains that like to masturbate...
What is Gordon doing to his whistle, mommy?

 

by UnknownEric
6-21-08
I've been practicing for 30 years and I've never seen your condition before... it's called Epiploic Appendagitis.
What does it mean?
It means that fatty deposits in your colon have become inflamed, causing the horrible pain you're feeling.
Can I just tell everyone my pooper is broken?
Sure.
Sweet.

 

"I'm sorry, Mario, but the princess is in anot--" GODDAMN IT!
by UnknownEric, 6-28-08

 

by UnknownEric
7-17-08
I'm trying to open my resume from this disk and I can't find it.
It looks like there's nothing saved on this disk. It's empty.
But I KNOW I saved it on here!
Sir, I can assure you that there is nothing saved on this disk.
But I KNOW I saved it on here!
I DON'T KNOW WHERE YOUR FUCKING RESUME IS, ASSHOLE!

 

by UnknownEric
7-17-08
Hi, can I help you?
Teach me how to play poker.
Well, here are a number of books we have on beginner's poker and...
No, no, NO... TEACH ME how to play poker.
Ma'am, I've never played poker, I can't teach you.
THIS IS AN OUTRAGE! GET ME YOUR MANAGER!

 

by UnknownEric
7-17-08
Okay, here's the sheet music you asked for.
Hmm... well... like, I mean, like... I want, like... hmmm...
like, y'know, like... I want, like... like... hmm...
6 hours later...
y'know, like... I mean, ummm, like...

 

I can't believe I just fucked a nigger.
I can't believe I just fucked a Jew.
by UnknownEric, 7-18-08

 

by UnknownEric
7-25-08
Politicians lie!
Fire burns!
People commit crimes!
A sports team won!
Weather happens!
Lindsay Lohan enjoys fucking!

 

by UnknownEric
7-25-08
Wait, you close at 5 tonight?
Yes, we close at 5 on Friday.
That's ridiculous! I work all day! Why do you close at 5?
It's 4:30, do you see anyone else in here?
No.
That's why we close at 5, dumbass.

 

by UnknownEric
7-28-08
Next question...
In "Only When You Leave," are you singing "in this world all that I do is call Norm Maracle?"
I'm taking that as a no.

 

All right... NAIL ME!
by UnknownEric, 7-30-08

 

by UnknownEric
8-18-08
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Damn, you got some nice titties!
Damn, you got some nice titties who?
There's no more to this joke, is there?

 

by UnknownEric
8-21-08
Hey, thanks for setting up this blind date with your friend!
No problem, there's just something I should warn you about. Kent has no filter.
What do you mean?
Well, he tends to just say the very first thing that comes to his head. It can be a little disconcerting, but you get used to it.
I'm having a wonderful time, Kent.
I'd really like to fuck a zebra!

 

by UnknownEric
8-25-08
Man, that Seacrest chump is ruining my show! I want to come back and make it like the old days.
Jeez, Casey, music has changed a LOT recently, I don't know if it's what you want to do...
Don't worry, I can handle change.
I don't know...
Coming in at number 32, that's Slicktwat Jackson with "Stick it in My Pooper"...

 

by UnknownEric
8-28-08
HEY! HEY SQUIRREL!
I SHIT ON YOUR MOM'S ANUS!
PUSSY FARTS!

 

by UnknownEric
8-29-08
And that's why I'm pleased to select Sarah Palin, governor of Alaska, as my running mate.
She's just the kind of trollop this country needs.
JOHN!
Shut up, you cunt.

 

by UnknownEric
9-06-08
There are butterflies everywhere / flitting about without any care
My wishes granted by little elves
And everyone has gone and fucked themselves...

 

by UnknownEric
9-10-08
At a Star Trek convention...
So yes, I am WELL aware of the lyrics to the Star Trek theme...
But did you know that there were originally lyrics to the Star WARS theme as well?
No way! What were they?
No one seems to remember...
In a recording studio, circa 1976...
Star whores, down on all star fours / dropping their star drawers / all through the night...

 

by UnknownEric
9-16-08
Hey, I hear you went to that concert last night. Who played?
Bell Biv DeVoe, Now You Know, and Yo Slick.
Who did you enjoy?
Bell Biv DeVoe. Now You Know.
Yo Slick?
Blow.

 
by UnknownEric, 9-16-08

 

by UnknownEric
9-18-08
Why are you so special and precious to me?
I don't know, Mommy. I was just borned that way.
Actually, it's because I can get big cash by dressing you up as a girl and selling you to a fundamentalist Mormon sect.
Oh.

 

by UnknownEric
10-01-08
The liberal media keep referring to Senator Biden as an "attack dog."
I know attack dogs... in fact I shot an attack dog last week just so my husband could get an erection...
And you, Senator, are no attack dog.
Wait... what?

 

by UnknownEric
10-03-08
I would like to see a band made up of Pat Mastelotto on drums, Jeff Ament on bass, and comic artist Rob Liefeld on guitar.
They could call themselves Mr. Mister and Pearl Jam with X-Force.

 

by UnknownEric
10-04-08
Hey, you know how in that Katie Couric interview, Sarah Palin claimed to read all newspapers and magazines?
I wonder if that includes "Barely Legal."

 

by UnknownEric
10-09-08
Mr. Manager, sir, the idiot maitre'd has seated too many people. Our servers can't handle them all!
Who's not being helped?
A Mr. Lucifer and a Mr. Christ.
Well, you're gonna hafta serve somebody.
Serve somebody?
It may be the Devil or it may be the Lord, but you're gonna hafta serve somebody.

 

by UnknownEric
10-11-08
What kind of boat is that?
Frigate.
Yeah, FUCK the boat.

 

by UnknownEric
10-14-08
Lots of celebrities have faked their own deaths. Elvis, Andy Kaufman, Jim Morrison, Tupac, Oscar Wilde...
Oscar Wilde? How do you know he faked his death?
Because he's right over there.
Hi, darling.

 

by UnknownEric
10-27-08
So, Mr. RZA sir, I have a great new idea for marketing the Wu brand to middle America.
Let's hear it.
Wu-Tang condoms.
Nah, man, nah...
Why not?
Cuz Wu-Tang Clan ain't nuthin' to fuck with.

 

by UnknownEric
10-29-08
Doc, what's the deal?
I have good news and bad news.
What's the good news?
Your kidney was removed and replaced by a baked potato.
That's the good news? What's the bad?
I ate the potato.

 

by UnknownEric
11-13-08
I hate Mondays.
I hate Charles Guiteau.

 

by UnknownEric
11-20-08
Here's an interesting book we have. "Make Your Own Coffins For Pets and People."
Although I'm not sure pets really CAN make their own coffins...
LAUGH, YOU FILTHY SONS-OF-BITCHES!

 

by UnknownEric
11-25-08
Hi, I'm here to apply for the bartender job you have posted in the window.
Sure! What's your name?
Michael Bitch.
Say, are you related to Alice Bitch?
Yeah, she's my mom!
Wow, I can't believe I'm hiring a son of A. Bitch!

 

by UnknownEric
11-25-08
Before we start I just have one question... DO YOU KNOW WHERE THE FUCK YOU ARE????
Yeah, I don't either...
Mr. Axl, sir, this is the senior center. It's bingo night.
Ah, fuck.

 

by UnknownEric
12-10-08
I love fresh corn, but I really hate shucking it. The sound gives me the creeps.
I hear lesbians really enjoy shucking corn. You should look into that.
Okay, which one of you lesbians wants to shuck this?
I hate you.
Ha ha.

 

by UnknownEric
12-18-08
So, has the parents' group decided on a theme for this summer's bazaar?
Love.
Love? What are you, a bunch of hippies?
That's what we are. We all want a love bazaar.
I'm Unknown Eric and I approve this comic. Please Prince, don't sue me.

 

by UnknownEric
1-09-09
Hey, I hear you went out with that Squarepants guy last night.
Yeah, I had fun.
So did you...?
Well, things got a little hot, but no, we didn't have sex.
Why not?
He just wasn't sponge-worthy.

 

by UnknownEric
1-15-09
Hi, I'm Leo and this is my sister Annie!
Hi!
Today we're going to help a baby clarinet find it's mommy in a painting by Monet!
And we'll know we're getting close because Beethoven music will randomly start playing!
You do realize you're tripping on PCP, right?

 

by UnknownEric
1-22-09
So Doctor, how are our patients doing?
Well, Wirthling has begun sucking again, but the rotor turbines are STILL generating gravitons by themselves.
And TOBOR...?
He is currently in intense physical and emotional therapy.
Oh dear, my anus just happens to be completely exposed for potential cornholing!
RAA... I'm sorry, I just... just can't do this anymore.

 

by UnknownEric
4-24-09
I'm so fucking drunk and horny...
Uh-oh, we don't have a condom. Let's ask my rescue pack to turn into a Trojan!
Awwww! RESCUE PACK! Coming to the rescue! Al rescate!
Aww shucks. Now we need to ask the rescue pack to turn into a blow-up doll!

 

by UnknownEric
4-27-09
This just in, GM shuts down its famous Pontiac brand.
They no longer build excitement, folks.
Ford, however, still builds excrement.

Showing page 20.

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