All comics by ivytheplant

Profile

 

by ivytheplant
3-23-05
3:30PM: I finally get to finish attaching the treads to the first set of steps.
o/^ "I don't give a damn 'bout my bad reputation!" o/^
4PM: I start removing the old treads from the second set of steps.
o/^ "Every time I see your face/I think of thoughts unkind unchaste..." o/^
4:05PM: While gently pulling up one tread, the rotted wood gives way and the entire step comes comepletely off.
GodDAMNIT!

 

by ivytheplant
3-23-05
4:25 PM: I get back from the lumber yard with another $15 in supplies, including some wood that can be used to replace the step.
She so owes me.
4:30PM: I repair the step with my hammer, which has somehow become bent at a 45 degree angle. Don't ask me how.
*bangcrunch!* Muthafucka!
5PM: After repairing the step I give up for the day.
Pain...

 

by ivytheplant
3-23-05
Conclusion: $65 spent in supplies and 5 hours to replace 4 treads and one step.
Pain, pain, pain.
I get paid $10 an hour to do all this stuff and the work I did today is just 1/3 of my list of chores.
Who knew there could be so many spiders under a single step.
At this rate, I won't have to pay rent next month.
I need a tetanus shot.

 

by ivytheplant
3-28-05
So I finally got in trouble at work today.
I told you that your mouthing off would backfire sooner or later. Just ask Mom and Dad.
Actually I got in trouble for working 7 hours without a lunch break.
You got in trouble for having a strong work ethic?
I wasn't hungry and was on a roll. Guess I'll have to start standing around more.
Next time you'd better sleep under the register, just to be sure.

 

by ivytheplant
3-30-05
o/^ "At first I was afraid/I was petrified/Kept thinking I could never live/without you by my side/But then I spent so many nights/thinking how you did me wrong/And I grew strong..." o/^
o/^ "...I should have changed that stupid lock/I should have made you leave your key..." o/^
o/^ "I will survive/Oh as long as I know how to love/I know I will stay alive/I've got all my life to live/I've got all my love to give/and I'll survive/I will survive!" o/^

 

by ivytheplant
3-30-05
I wish he'd hurry up. I can't go when people watch.

 

by ivytheplant
3-30-05
What'cha got there, Billy?
Muffins, sir. I'm going to take them to the homeless people under the bridge.
Why Billy, don't you know that giving away free food is Anti-American?
Gosh, sir, I sure didn't.
If those lazy bums want food, then they should get a job. You earned that food and it's yours to chow down until you become fat, diabetic, and die of heart failure.
Gee, golly, Mr. Cartoon Character sir, thank you for stopping me from making a big mistake!

 

by ivytheplant
3-30-05

 

by ivytheplant
3-30-05
Oh Santa! The other reindeer and I are going out for a bite to eat. Wanna join us?
*satanic chanting*
What are those strange noises coming from Santa's workshop?
TBC...
*satanic chanting*
Could it be? Could those stories of Santa really being an anagram of Satan be true?

 

by ivytheplant
3-31-05
Hello, Mom. What's up?
I just want you to know that tomorrow I will not be answering the phone or looking at my email.
Um...okay.
I don't want a repeat of last year. My heart still hasn't recovered.
The fact that you called me up specifically to discourage me from playing a prank on you, is the highest compliment.
I mean it. You have been warned.

 

by ivytheplant
3-31-05
Mom just called to warn me not to a prank on her this year.
You did shave a few years off her life last year.
I was hoping she'd forget. I had a great prank already lined up, but she'll be expecting it now.
You could always sit this one out.
Back to the drawing board. I wonder if we have any explosives lying around.
Not after last year.

 

by ivytheplant
3-31-05
Do we know anyone who's pregnant?
Not anymore. I think Jody just had her baby.
If I got my boss to let me borrow her Hummer, do you think you could--
Absolutely not.

 

by ivytheplant
3-31-05
Do you still have that gas mask?
Nope.
Have you seen my ninja suit?
You left it at Dad's house.

 

by ivytheplant
3-31-05
I know this is going to sound crazy, but--
I don't want to hear it!
Have you seen my stapler?
Oh. It's under the couch.
What about my Star Trek sound effects library?
Go away.

 

by ivytheplant
3-31-05
[ping! Loading Wikipedia definition for "yo"]
What the?
[Examples: "Yo, check this out." (Hey, please pay attention to this.)]
I'm scared...
["Get down with the party, yo." (Enjoy yourself at this party, it is the cool thing to do.)]
Oh my god! Beaver, is that you?

 

by ivytheplant
4-01-05
So, how are you doing today?
Why did you call me?
I'm on my lunch break and it's such a gorgeous day I thought that I'd say hi.
What are you planning?
Nothing. I just wanted to see if you'd actually pick up a call from me today.
*click*

 

by ivytheplant
4-09-05
While putting the greenhouse together in the parking lot...
Anyone have any nuts?
I got yer nuts right here!
I have half a nut.
They can fix that nowadays.
o/^ "Sometimes you feel like a nut! Sometimes you don't!" o/^
Freaking managers.

 

by ivytheplant
4-09-05
Have you seen my sunburn gel?
It's on the bookcase, filed after "Asimov."
What the-! This is garlic and butter!
Oops. My bad.
Your life is shortening as we speak.
If it walks like a duck...

 

by ivytheplant
4-09-05
I rearrange things.
I need you to switch the watering can display with the jiffy pot display.
But I just put the watering cans on those shelves yesterday. On your orders.
Uh-huh.
The day before that, I put them on the highwall. On your orders.
So that they may be rearranged again at a later date.
So I changed my mind. You have your orders, get to work.
Where's my golf club?

 

by ivytheplant
4-11-05
With the cute coworker:
*flirt*
Silly lesbian.
With the cute coworker in another department:
*flirt*
Silly lesbian.
Paying rent:
Maybe I should just find a rich guy to marry.
I just always thought you weren't interested in guys.

 

by ivytheplant
4-11-05
Wednesday
Wow. You're really sunburned.
Yup.
Friday
Wow. You're really sunburned.
Thanks. I hadn't noticed [/sarcasm]
Sunday
Wow. You're really sunburned.
No shit, freakboy. What? You think I didn't notice the searing pain on my face? Morons.

 

by ivytheplant
4-11-05
Wednesday
Didn't you use sunscreen?
Yes, I did. Very strong sunscreen. Sadly not strong enough.
Friday
Didn't you use sunscreen?
Yes, I did, but I burn very easily, especially at this altitude. I should have used at least 70 SPF since 50 SPF obviously didn't work.
Sunday
Didn't you use sunscr--AAAIIIIEEEE!!!
We vampires despise annoying mortals.

 

by ivytheplant
4-12-05
March
April http://respectablepics.lackofoxygen.net/DSCF0090.JPG
May
Have you seen the snow shovel?
In the closet, next to the mittens you finally put away.

 

by ivytheplant
4-13-05
While at work one day...
So what do I need to do to be an intern manager? And is there more money involved?
Yes! There is a lot more money! But you need to be in school or have your degree in order to do it.
But I'm taking a break from school because I need to save money to go back to school but I can't afford to save it on my current paycheck.
Then you're SOL.
...and then I nuked them from orbit.
So you won't be getting a pay raise then?

 

by ivytheplant
4-13-05
Join me! We can walk as gods among men!
Do I get dental?
I promise I'm not a criminal mastermind.
What do you call nuking the UN from orbit?
I am the villain of the story!
Which one? Charlie and the Chocolate Factory?

 

by ivytheplant
4-13-05
I just realized I've been here six months as of March 30.
Congratulations!
I get dental and sick days now.
Time to celebrate!
How long have you been here?
I stopped counting when it made me want to jump off a bridge.

 

by ivytheplant
4-13-05
Has anyone seen the other set of keys?
Keith forgot to turn them in before he took off last night.
Damnit!
And he has the next two days off.
Motherfucker!
Knowing him, he probably tried.

 

by ivytheplant
4-13-05
How long have these rocking chairs been here?
Since at least middle of March, I think.
Keith told me we didn't have any at all.
You actually believed him?
I just ordered ten more.
I'm the only one you can trust. Remember that.

 

by ivytheplant
4-13-05
Who the hell stacked all this furniture on top of he glass patio tables?
Do you really need to ask?
Check to see if there's anything broken and make a list of what needs to go back to claims.
With gusto, boss!
Later...
What the hell are you doing?
o/^ "99 of Keith's asses kicked, 99 of Keith's asses! Break some tables, get kicked yet again, 98 of Keith's asses kicked!" o/^

 

by ivytheplant
4-13-05
Sunday...
I'm going to lunch!
But I haven't had my breakfast break--oh hell with it. I can survive another hour.
Eons pass...
Dear God, I'm starving. If he doesn't come back soon, it will be my lunch time.
Two agonizing hours later...
Man, I'm tired! They had me moving those pop machines to the breakroom! Yup, five pop machines moved 25 feet with power equipment! I'm sure tired!
You know, fuckhead, I depend on you coming back from your break on time so I can take my break. There's this amazing device called a "phone." Next time, take the 30 seconds and use it!

 

by ivytheplant
4-13-05
I need more coverage on Wednesday and Thursday. Would you mind changing your days off?
Absolutely not! I love to serve you oh Gracious One!
Wy are you so eager to be bounced around again?
I live to serve.
Those are Keith's days off, aren't they?
Two more days without that hack fucking up is like heaven on earth to me.

 

by ivytheplant
4-15-05
I need to get some new pants. I'll be right back.
Women always say that. I'll be here for hours.
Ten minutes later...
Okay, I found three pairs that look decent. Should keep me for the next year. Let's go to the comic book store.
Woohoo!

 

by ivytheplant
4-15-05
*Takes bite out of large red strawberry*
*Licks the juice off with tongue*
*Sucks flesh completely off strawberry with lips*
Why do I feel like I'm being watched?
Goddamnit. Not again.

 

by ivytheplant
4-16-05
Ivy! I need you to stack those boxes! It needs to be done pronto!
But you told me that sweeping under the steel needed to be done pronto. Which is it?
The boxes need to be done pronto-pronto. How's that?
So "pronto" means "eh," while "pronto-pronto" means "better hop to it," and I'll take a wild gander and say "pronto-pronto-pronto" means "or else."
Got it.
Call me when it gets to the pronto level that means "Not Doing It Will Cause The Universe To Collapse In On Itself."

 

by ivytheplant
4-16-05
I need you to find the tabs and make a feature.
Uh...
Then find out which ones are nurples, whether there's any nofs, and make sure to display the edlp.
Geh...
And for the last time, don't forget to flag the endcaps, sign the sidekicks, and put up new fasttracks!
No speaky Wal-Martian.

 

by ivytheplant
4-16-05
What I wanted to say...
Don't use de blower because de customer complain dat de dust is bad for de children.
Well, if you want to waste time gently sweeping an outside, concrete storage area with brooms, then be my guest, but when the list isn't done, I refuse to be blamed for other peoples idiocy you moron!
What I should have said...
Don't use de blower because de customer complain dat de dust is bad for de children.
If they're so worried about dust affecting their children, they shouldn't live in Laramie. Now stand aside, woman!
What I did...
Don't use de blower because de customer complain dat de dust is bad for de children.
Fine, do it however you want. I'm going to finish my own work.

 

by ivytheplant
4-16-05
How I'll want to react...
Didn't you do anything I asked? That list was supposed to be completed this weekend! Zoraida says you didn't bother to help at all!
What the fuck do you think I was doing all day? Sitting on the patio furniture scratching my ass? I was taking care of the fucking customers that little Miss Zoraida seemed to have forgotten about!
How I should react...
Didn't you do anything I asked? That list was supposed to be completed this weekend! Zoraida says you didn't bother to help at all!
I didn't get to work on the list because someone had to take care of the customers inside. If the list didn't get finished, then talk to the people who were working on it.
How I'll probably react...
Didn't you do anything I asked? That list was supposed to be completed this weekend! Zoraida says you didn't bother to help at all!
*long confused stare followed by some stuttering*

 

by ivytheplant
4-16-05
What I wanted to say...
You need to come in on time. According to the report, you clock in late on Saturdays and Sundays. Next time I'll have to give you a formal coaching.
Well, I would think that you'd be glad I was a mere ten minutes late only a couple days out of the week when a few people I could name are at least an hour late, if they show up for work at all!
What I should have said...
You need to come in on time. According to the report, you clock in late on Saturdays and Sundays. Next time I'll have to give you a formal coaching.
That's overstating things a little and I do have acceptable excuses for every one of those tardies. If you plan to coach me, I request you coach others as well. It's only fair since I actually show up
What I did...
You need to come in on time. According to the report, you clock in late on Saturdays and Sundays. Next time I'll have to give you a formal coaching.
*long stare followed by some stuttering and annoyed disbelief*

 

by ivytheplant
4-16-05
What are you doing?
Filling out time off requests for work.
Why are you looking at December?
I figured I might as well get breaks I know I'm taking out of the way ahead of time.
I've seen books thinner than this. Bad day at work, I take it.
How is "so I don't kill all you limey bastards" as a reason?

 

by ivytheplant
4-16-05
I think I have all the time off requests taken care of. Did I miss any?
You're taking my birthday off?
Sure. We can go celebrate.
Most of these say "religious" for a reason.
They can't force me to disclose specifics if I demand a religious holiday off of work.
Rubber Eraser Day is not a religious holiday!

 

by ivytheplant
4-16-05
Why do I feel like I'm being watched?
So I bought a few steaks in honor of the momentous occasion.
What occasion?
You'll see.
Why does this worry me?
Where did you hide the fireworks?

 

by ivytheplant
4-17-05
Hey! Long time, no see, buddy. How's things in Ivyrassic Park?
Splendid! The kids are finally stalking humans on their own.
Awww, you'll have to send me pictures.
Don't worry, I have plenty. The camera never leaves my side.
I hear that. I have more pictures of my cats than my mom has of me growing up.
Now those are pictures we all want to get a peek at!

 

by ivytheplant
4-17-05
While you're online, could you check Ivytopia's mail for me?
If you insist. Looks like several letters asking if you forgot about your country.
Sigh. Of course not. I've just been so busy I couldn't keep up with it.
I'm not sure what this means, but it involves you, a tub of jello, and three of those chicks who played Amazons on Xena.
I'd say something witty, but I don't want to freak you out.
Too late.

 

by ivytheplant
4-18-05
So I decided since you're not only a filing clerk, but Filing Clerk, VIP, that you will be the first person I sneak into Wal-Mart HQ.
Uh...thanks. I think.
You noticed the row of robots at the front, right? Well, those are who really runs the corporate giant.
Freaky.
By the way, we're in my old stomping grounds, Arkansas.
ARGH!

 

by ivytheplant
4-18-05
Goodness! This place is a mess! I thought I told you to clean it.
I got distracted.
What took your attention?
I'm reading the first comics you made on StripCreator.
Oh man, those are awful. Why would you read those?
Are you kidding? This is almost as much fun as showing people your baby pictures!

 

by ivytheplant
4-18-05
[you have harassment!]
Goodness! It's a message from my Crazy Ex-Neighbor! I haven't heard from her in ages! I wonder what she's up to.
[1100101101001010]
Egads! She finally got disability and her mother disowned her! And since her mother has power of attorney, she kept all of Jen's money. Hmmm.
[0110001111010110]
Excuse me. I must go laugh hysterically now.

 

by ivytheplant
4-18-05
April 2003...
April 2004...
April 2005...
I did my Snow Dance for hours, but I haven't seen any results.
Well, the neighbors just moved.

 

by ivytheplant
4-18-05
You haven't made any comics about us in ages.
I'm sorry. I keep meaning to.
That's not good enough. We demand retribution! We demand sacrifice!
Just remember I'm the only one that has the Opposable Thumb Power to use the can opener.
Damn you.
Ivy: 1, Cats: 286

 

by ivytheplant
4-19-05
2003...
[*sounds of death and destruction*]
Engineering Disasters marathon. I'm dying of happiness.
2004...
[o/^ "We don't get fooled again!" o/^]
CSI marathon. I am in complete bliss.
2005...
["Next on CBS! CSI meets Engineering Disasters!"]
*moan*

 

by ivytheplant
4-19-05
Wow. 1,000 comics. I finally made it.
That's quite an achievement. Now you have nowhere to go but down.
You mean you made 1,000 comics and still can't remember to clean out the litter box on time?
I just ate your favorite violet.
[Oh sure, congratulate her. If it wasn't for me, she'd have spent all that time productively!]

Showing page 20.

« Previous Next »