All comics by niteowl

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by niteowl
1-28-05
I can't believe I'm getting arrested. This is tabloid material right here.
The station house just said that your son was arrested earlier today too, for breaking obscenity laws.
Oh Christ, that kid. Always getting in trouble...
Obscenity laws...who the hell does he think he is, Jim Morrison?
Actually, I heard he was quoting Luther Campbell and singing the lyrics to Body Count's "Cop Killer" on the ride downtown.

 

by niteowl
1-28-05
Shocking news from the world of entertainment today, as the Dynamic Duo of Jesus and God were both arrested earlier today on separate charges.
Jesus was arrested for breaking obscenity laws while a guest on the hit MTV show, TRL. God was arrested on drug charges and solicitating a prostitute.
Angry supporters of the two have been lining streets all across the country today, to protest the arrests of the two hottest superstars in entertainment.
Our own Phil McCracken is out on the streets right now, with a full report. Phil?
Good evening, I'm here with Jed. Jed, how do you feel about the arrests of Jesus and God today?
I'm fuckin' pissed off!

 

by niteowl
1-28-05
Looks like there's a pretty good turnout here today.
All the good Christians came out today to support the injustice laid upon our saviors!
Injustice?
That's right. Jesus and God are good people. They was framed!
Some people have said that Jesus and God have sold out with their rap, punk, and mallcore albums. Do you believe that's true?
Hell no! All I know is I got tired of that Garth Brooks and Martina McBride crap. Pretty love songs, blech. Now Jesus' new album, that shit is bangin'!

 

by niteowl
1-28-05
We're back, and I'm here with Father Smith. What do you think of Jesus and God's transformation from religious icons to megastar sex symbols?
It's the kick in the pants the religious community has needed for years.
So you're saying you don't mind the debauchery these two have been up to since they exploded onto the pop scene?
Nope, I don't mind it a bit. Sure, the Republicans...bless their souls...have pushed religion to the forefront again, but we needed to make it more accessible.
You've gotta admit, they've been committing an awful lot of sins lately though...
Geez. You're making it sound like they're serial killers or something.

 

by niteowl
1-28-05
Man, I'm really bored.
Me too. Let's get out of here.
Ok. Uh, where are we going?
Back to Heaven, of course. When people disappear, that's when they're wanted the most. Plus, people will forget about our past transgressions when we're not on Earth.
Sigh. I really liked signing chicks' boobs.
I know, son.

 

by niteowl
1-28-05
"...we are going back to Heaven, for we have sinned. A LOT. We will return one day, though. See ya then. XOXO, J&G"
Although they returned to Heaven because of scandal, Jesus and God have never been more popular. 92% of all Americans now believe in Them...
...the other 8% polled told us to "eat a dick".
So when are we going to return?
Not for a while. All I know is I gotta pick a different costume next time around. I didn't get laid nearly enough dressed up as a blue blob.

 

by niteowl
1-30-05
My 12 year old son really said this.
So at school, we're reading this book on the greatest presidents of the 20th century.
It's a really short book.

 

by niteowl
2-02-05
Back from fishing already?
Yeah. I'm really depressed too.
Aww, you must not have caught anything...
No, I did. It's just that I now realize I blew 5000 bucks on a boat to catch a tiny fucking fish that couldn't feed Ally McBeal.

 

by niteowl
2-05-05
Have you ever woke up in the morning and had a feeling it's gonna be a really bad day?
Nope, can't say I have.
Well, I just can't shake this feeling.
The feeling of impending doom?
Yes, exactly.
You worry too much. I'm sure it's nothing.

 

by niteowl
2-05-05
Thank God that's over with.
Yep. Saving the world is exhausting.
It was quite an adventure though. Gunfights, intergalatic space travel, sex, drugs, rock and roll...
But the most important thing is that we're home and everyone is ok.
...except for that poor robot and the Asian Girls.
Right. May they rest in peace.

 

by niteowl
2-05-05
*BURP* I think I'm gonna throw up...
I am your Porcelain God. You haven't prayed to me yet tonight.
Also, Mr. Sink does not wish to converse with you any longer. You have made him angry with your last vomitous episode.
I, on the other hand, am one chatty motherfucker. So get on your knees and talk to me, bitch.

 

by niteowl
2-06-05
I can't taste my beer!
I can't taste my beer!
I can't taste my beer!
You're drinking Miller Lite, what did you expect?

 

by niteowl
2-07-05
Eep-opp-ork-ahh-ahh!
Eep-opp-ork-ahh-ahh!
You could've just taken over the world, but no. You had to implant a chip in my brain that translates all English to Jet Screamer lyrics. Why me? WHY ME?
Because I love you. Wanna come back to my pod?

 

by niteowl
2-09-05
I saw Hackers on cable the other day. You ever seen it?
Oh yeah. Angelina was pretty sexy, except for that horrible bowl cut. Lorraine Bracco was really hot though, she totally had that Stiffler's Mom thing goin' on.
But what did you think of the movie?
Sucked monkey dong.
Agreed. So are you gonna take down the FBI's website tonight?
Tomorrow. My mom's gonna try to hack the CIA's website tonight.

 

by niteowl
2-12-05
"Are You Happy Bush Won?"
No, not so much...
"Vote now, see what America thinks today and get a $250 Starbucks card!"
$250? Excellent, I can get 5 mocha lattes and have just enough left to buy a morning paper.

 

by niteowl
2-12-05
REPENT SINNERS! ARMAGEDDON IS COMING!
Are you kidding, Father?
No. I wish I was but sadly, I'm not. The world will end in 6 days, which means...
...oh no, don't say it...
Saturday Night Bingo is cancelled.
Fuck. I'm gonna miss giggling like a schoolgirl when O69 was called.

 

by niteowl
2-15-05
What I saw on this morning's news here in MN:
"...a press conference is scheduled for today..."
What the fuck is this? They're showing Dallas Stars highlights. Oh sure, just twist that knife a little bit more. Bastards.
"...where Gary Bettman is expected to cancel the NHL season."
My upcoming plans: Log cabin, manifesto, lots of automatic weapons.

 

by niteowl
2-17-05
Hey man, wanna make a snuff film?
Shore thing.
Lemme go git my chewin' tabaccy.

 

by niteowl
2-18-05
Actual headline from a news story at yahoo.com...
"Bush Recalls Stint on Scottish Sheep Farm"
I really wish he wouldn't look at me like that. He's starting to freak me the fuck out.

 

by niteowl
2-20-05
Why do you like the show "Cops" so much?
'Cause it's so true to life! Best part is seein' your relatives and neighbors on TV.
Like my brother Jed. He got so dern famous 'round the trailer park, he couldn't beat them women offa him with a stick, although he shore tried.

 

by niteowl
2-20-05
So what did you have to do to get your Gmail account?
I disowned my family, sold my soul to the devil, cut off one of my pinky toes with a meat cleaver, gave 15 blowjobs in one night...
...drank gasoline with a motor oil chaser, chewed on tinfoil for 5 hours, was tied naked to a tree, cut my own penis off...oh, and I paid $60 for it on eBay.
Did you know that Hotmail, Yahoo and other web services have free email? Not to mention most webhosting comes with POP3 email accounts.
But they aren't Gmail accounts, now are they?

 

by niteowl
2-20-05
Do you think racism towards African-Americans is still prevalent in today's society?
No, not at all.
Why?
Because every muthafuckin' cracka in 'dis country thinks he's black now.

 

by niteowl
2-21-05
I have a confession to make...
I get a tingle when you pump and blow me until I explode.

 

by niteowl
2-22-05
"The requested URL was not found on this server. Additionally, a 404 Not Found error was encountered while trying to use an ErrorDocument to handle the request."
"I know it took 3 hours for it to load, but I don't care. I'm a rock star, and you suck. Fuck you."

 

by niteowl
2-22-05
"The page you are looking for is currently unavailable! The Web site might be experiencing technical difficulties, or you may need to adjust your browser settings!!!!!!!!!!!!"
"Actually, those baby killing, pot smoking, terrorist supporting, anti-American liberals hacked this site! I'm too wrapped up in my hatred of them to fix the problem though!! Buy my books!!!"

 

by niteowl
2-22-05
"The requested URL was not found on this server. Additionally, a 404 Not Found error was encountered while trying to use an ErrorDocument to handle the request."
"Wait a minute. No, a 404 Not Found error was not encountered."
"Well, maybe it was, but we can't be sure until we have all the facts."

 

by niteowl
2-22-05
"The page you are looking for is currently unavailable. The Web site might be experiencing technical difficulties, or you may need to adjust your browser settings."
"TOBOR AND MICROSOFT CORNHOLED YOU! RAAARRRR!!!"

 

by niteowl
2-22-05
"The requested URL was not found on this server. Additionally, a 404 Not Found error was encountered while trying to use an ErrorDocument to handle the request."
"...and what is with that 404 message anyways, huh?"

 

by niteowl
2-22-05
"The page you are looking for is currently unavailable. The Web site might be experiencing technical difficulties, or you may need to adjust your browser settings."
"Jenny from the block is ready to settle down. So, will you marry me? I promise I won't back out."

 

by niteowl
2-22-05
"The requested URL was not found on this server. Additionally, a 404 Not Found error was encountered while trying to use an ErrorDocument to handle the request."
"Man, I'm totally baked."

 

by niteowl
2-23-05
"The page you are looking for is currently unavailable. The Web site might be experiencing technical difficulties, or you may need to adjust your browser settings."
"This month's contest at britneyspears.com, a copy of my latest CD goes to anyone who can tell me what exactly my husband does for a living. I'm stumped."

 

by niteowl
2-23-05
"oar weebsight is borken"
"plese com bcak laytre myab it wil bee fisked bi tehn, tanks. censearlee yors, prisidant gorge boosh"
This is a first. I've never seen a 404 Not Found message written in crayon before.

 

by niteowl
2-23-05
"Welcome to blink182.com! Our site is down, and the band is on hiatus."
"The rumors of our hiatus being family-related are false. We're taking time off to do the unthinkable and actually learn how to play our instruments."

 

by niteowl
2-24-05
So...how much?
How much have you got?
125 bucks. What will that get me?
A gram.
Just a gram? You've got a street full of cocaine! I better get AT LEAST a kilo for 125.
What if I throw in an iPod and head?

 

by niteowl
2-25-05
I heard you got a new tat next to your snatch. I have a question though, what's the point of getting a tattoo if you can't show it off to everyone?
I mean, sure I wanna see it, but not very many other people will...well unless you're a slut and-
Johnny, if you want to have sex, just ask me instead of using that lame ass "I wanna see your new tat" line.

 

by niteowl
2-26-05
"Strattera provides full-day relief of ADHD symptoms from school/work through family time, when taken as directed once or twice a day."
"In adults, the most common side effects were constipation, nausea, problems sleeping, sexual side effects, and menstrual cramps."
Looks like I better pick up some Ex-Lax, Pepto Bismol, Nytol, Viagra, and Midol too. Shit, I need to write this down.

 

by niteowl
2-27-05
mmmm....
Ooh...ooh...oh God, oh GOD!
Shit. Not again.
*CLICK*
What's the matter? Was it something I said?
I really wish you wouldn't call out my father's name when we're getting it on.

 

by niteowl
2-27-05
How about this?
Serial Killer? Nah, doesn't work. You won't get chicks as a mass murderer. Pick something else.
Well?
Ugh. Pop, you've got to choose a costume that stands out.
How do I look now?
That costume only works if you're Billy Bob Thornton and you're trying to pickup Lauren Graham.

 

by niteowl
2-27-05
"...we are going back to Heaven, for we have sinned. A LOT. We will return one day, though. See ya then. XOXO, J&G"
Pop, I thought we were going to back to Heaven?
In due time, son. We have other things to do before we ride off into the sunset.
Aww fuck. Other things? Like what?
First, an Oprah appearance to apologize for our misdeeds. Then, guest spots on various second rate TV shows. And last, lots of commercials. Don't worry Son, we'll still get chicks, just B grade ones.

 

by niteowl
3-04-05
Did you hear that The Passion is being re-released? They cut out a lot of the gory stuff. Talk about beating a horse...
...and then she said, "talk about beating a horse". Does that mean you're a horse?
No, but I'm hung like one! Hahaha! Hahaha...haha...
Um, yeah.

 

by niteowl
3-04-05
Yes way.
No way!
YES!
NO!
Dear, you don't know hockey like I do. So when I say that the Americans would've lost if the Russians had kept Tretiak in goal to start the 3rd period, it's the damn truth.
I refuse to believe it.

 

by niteowl
3-04-05
Well, what do you think of it?
The spelling is atrocious, sentence structure is non-existent...
...and what's with all the exclamation points? Who do you think you are, Ann Coulter?
I don't have gaping orifices like she does though.
Prove it.

 

by niteowl
3-05-05
We need a new TV. And a new sound system.
Damn right we do.
How big of a TV should we get though?
Big enough so that if you're focusing on one side of the screen, you have to turn your head to look at the rest of it.
Ok, what about the sound system?
It has to be loud enough to drown out the shitty music our idiot neighbors play.

 

by niteowl
3-08-05
So as you were coming up to the stoplight, you rear-ended the 18 wheeler in front of you?
Yes, officer.
Did you not see his brake lights come on?
No, I was writing down the "How's My Driving?" number. I was planning on crank calling it later tonight.

 

by niteowl
3-09-05
What a great movie! The action was intense, the plot was spellbinding...
...the special effects were awesome, the acting was great-
Are you deaf or something? I'm talking to you!
Who the hell are you?

 

by niteowl
3-12-05
God, why did Lenny Bruce and Bill Hicks die so young?
Because they were blasphemous and dirty.
They made fun of religion, so we had them killed.
So you're kinda like the mafia, right?
More or less. I gotta run, Susie. We've got a bunch of Stripcreator users on our list who'll be sleeping with the fishes soon.

 

by niteowl
3-13-05
I find the movie Psycho interesting, since that's one of the few movies where they kill off the main character relatively early in the flick.
They should do that more in movies today. Films have gotten too damn safe. In fact, a movie needs to be made where they kill off the 2 main characters within the first minute.

 

by niteowl
3-14-05
Good afternoon, God. Satan here. We're looking to improve our team, so I have a trade proposal that will help both of our clubs. Cthulhu and Dean Martin for your son and John Wayne.
John Wayne...Gacy? I thought he was down there with you.
No, no...I mean John Wayne. The Duke. So, whaddya think?
What do I think? I think that is the shittiest proposal you've ever thrown at me. Fuck you. *CLICK*
What an asshole. Like I'm ever going to trade away John Wayne.

 

by niteowl
3-14-05
Did I hear that right? You're offering me up in a trade? I'm a lot more valuable to this team than these other bums down here.
Look, Cthulhu...you have great talent, but the amount of money you make takes up a huge chunk of our salary cap budget. We really can't afford you anymore.
This is a fucking joke. I give, and give, and give to this team for eons, and what do I get? A slap in the face.
Listen man, I'm sorry. We're in a rebuilding mode and we've got some kids in the minors that we have to give a chance. If we can't trade you, I'm afraid we'll have to release you.
Well...do what you gotta do, but you will regret it. I will make the next team I join a winner. You'll be sorry, just watch.
I hope he doesn't join the Atheists. They're already fielding an up-and-coming team.

 

by niteowl
3-14-05
Hey Satan, it's God. I heard a report on The WDL Today that you're gonna release Cthulhu. Is this true?
Yep. He refused to rework his contract and we can't afford to keep him. Especially with all the up and coming young talent we've got. Are you planning on signing him?
Maybe. We are looking to make a splash in free agency this year. There's 1000's of stars waiting to be picked up.
While I've got you on the phone, wanna discuss a trade?
Dude, I told you. I'm not giving up John Wayne unless you offer up the entire Rat Pack.
But that's the core of my team!

Showing page 20.

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