All comics by ObiJo

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by ObiJo
8-03-02
There's a people killer at the end of this strip.
WHAT! A people killer at the end of this strip! Get me out of here!
There's a people killer at the end of this strip.
What are you, some kind of sadist!
There's a people killer at the end of this strip.
Hookers aren't people.

 

by ObiJo
8-03-02
Car 64, we got a 135 in progress.

 

by ObiJo
8-03-02
I was asked to give the eulogy for our friend here.
But I have to be honest - I never liked the guy.
Stop, indeed, you bossy fuck.

 

by ObiJo
8-03-02
I'm not concentrating too well since I stopped Zoloft.
I wonder why.
Maybe it's because I stopped Zoloft.

 

by ObiJo
8-03-02
House fire.
Yep.
Spare the photo albums?
What the hell. You look like a nice guy.

 

by ObiJo
8-05-02
Today I saw a begger with a sign that read "If you can read this sign, you're not blind like me."
Blind people.
What a downer.

 

by ObiJo
8-05-02
Sadness sucks.
I wish I could beat it with a bat.
But something tells me that would only make it sadder.

 

by ObiJo
8-05-02
I'm so tired, I could slit your mother's nipples off and bury my knife in her belly.
Just an expression.

 

by ObiJo
8-05-02
What's your flag say, hippy?
Leave me alone.
I'll leave you alone when you tell me what your GODDAMN sign says, hippy.
It says "Mines ahead"
GODDAMN HIPPIES AND THEIR GODDAMN MINES!

 

by ObiJo
8-05-02
It just occured to me that if I formulated the predictive theory so easily, it's likely that others have already done so as well.
We'd have heard about it. Unless...
Unless someone's covering it up. Who'd benefit from that? The government for tracking and taxes.
Big business for sales, someone applying for a job, someone wanting to buy stock. Jesus, who WOULDN'T benefit from it!
Nanny Gert's Grab Bags!
You leave Nanny out of this!

 

by ObiJo
8-05-02
Two penguins walk into a bar.
The first penguin sits down and orders a rum.
The second penguin realizes he doesn't want to be part of the man's money making machine and storms out.
YOU AND YOUR GODDAMNED PENGUINS!

 

by ObiJo
8-05-02
I'm a master rhymer. Give me any word and I'll rhyme it.
Purple.
Murple.
Murple's not a word.
Jealousy, Maura? How unbecoming.

 

by ObiJo
8-05-02
Where's my car?
Bad news, Maura. It's wrecked. And I've got more bad news.
Dear God, what?
Your mom and dad were killed last night by a drunk driver.
My parents! My wonderful parents! I need my whiskey!
I'm afraid I finished it. And here's where that ties in...

 

by ObiJo
8-05-02
Where's my car?
Bad news, Maura. It's wrecked. And I've got more bad news.
Dear God, what?
Your mom and dad were killed last night by a drunk driver.
My parents! My wonderful parents! I need my whiskey! ...WHO DRANK MY WHISKEY!
I'm afraid I did. Now pay attention, cause this is where I tie everything together.

 

by ObiJo
8-05-02
Where's my car?
Bad news, Maura. It's wrecked. And I've got more bad news.
Dear God, what?
Your mom and dad were killed last night by a drunk driver.
My parents! My wonderful parents! Where's my whiskey... WHO DRANK MY WHISKEY!
Now pay attention - here's where I tie everything together.

 

by ObiJo
8-05-02
There's a sign up ahead, sarge.
What's it say?
"Wars over. Vamanos!"
Hernandez!
I wanna go home!

 

by ObiJo
8-05-02
Some say it's terrain that doomed the South.
I say it's choreography.
Kick and turn and spin and turn. Big finish, guys!

 

by ObiJo
8-05-02
What if I told you that in the back of my mind there is a burrowing animal, slowly eroding my brain function?
What if I told you that in the back of my mind there is a burrowing animal, slowly eroding my brain function?

 

by ObiJo
8-05-02
Each person is not an I. Each person is a we.
We are symbiates, you see. There are two parts of the mind - the conscious and subconscious. One is the creative, one is the directed. One, the free spirit, one the will.
When man finally realizes his own duality, his own teacher-student duality, then we'll finally be comfortable with ouselves.

 

by ObiJo
8-05-02
How goes it, DexX.
I'm a little down today.
Life sucks sometimes. Other days it's great. Makes me wonder whether we're all just slaves to our brain chemistry.
Whether we're all the punchline to God's little serotonin joke. If so, I'm not laughing.
I meant my weight, but now I'm fucking depressed.

 

by ObiJo
8-05-02
Suddenly...

 

by ObiJo
8-05-02
Let's say, hypothetically speaking, I am a closet homosexual, and assign unsuspecting rookies to flag duty with me so I can plunder their sweet sweet ass. What would you say about that?
I'd say, "Do you have the other half of this amulet!"
You scare me sometimes, Hernandez.
Ditto, sarge.

 

by ObiJo
8-05-02
Hernandez, you've really been making great progress.
Thanks, General. I'm trying hard to become an efficient killing machine by overcoming the cowardice that permeates every cell of my being.
I know you are, son. That's why this is so tough to say. Hernandez - we've traded you to the union.
What! You traded me! For what?
This flag. Ain't it perty?
It's a looker, that one.

 

by ObiJo
8-06-02
I think therefore I am. I think therefore I am. I think therefore I am.
And now a Baywatch marathon!
*POOF*

 

by ObiJo
8-06-02
Do you think it's possible to write a comic so funny it inspires the world to change?
No.
No? Just no?
Just no.
You defeatist fuck!
Well, that was certainly inspiring.

 

by ObiJo
8-06-02
What's wrong, rite?
I have rotator cuff tendinitis.
Is that like syphillis.
Only higher.
And those delightful secretions?
Negatory.

 

by ObiJo
8-06-02
What the holy hey?
Headzilla kidnap little man.
I gots to be getting back to the Sin-it.
Headzilla cares not for politics.
I'm Strom Thurmond, now let me go, hear?
Headzilla will now couple with you.

 

by ObiJo
8-07-02
I'm guessing you were a child prodigy who adopted that self-image in your youth.
You can't break a man's life down in a three-panel strip.
And you use your intelligence to not only validate yourself, not only define yourself, but as your litmus test for deciding when to reward yourself a Skinnerian pat on the back.
Chopping a dicing a person's psyche is a shaky proposition at best.
But the frame of your self-portrait confines you! Your imagination is stifled! Your thinking - rigid! Wake up, man! The world is not flat!
You suck.

 

by ObiJo
8-07-02
I can tell I'm getting skinnier.
How's that?
Chicks are starting to hit on me.
They didn't before?
Nope. Mostly kicking.

 

by ObiJo
8-07-02
What do you mean the Atkins diet isn't working? I've lost 100 pounds and my bloodtests show improvement across the board.
Yes, but it's high in fat, you see. That can't be good.
Finally, I've found a medicine combo that helps my concentration and mood.
Unfortunately, there's been some recent developments in medical malpractice law. How about these aspirin instead, you grumpy guss?
YOU PSEUDO-INTELLECT! I PIGEON-HOLE THEE AS A SLOPED-HEAD BABOON!
All I said was how's the diet? What did I do wrong?

 

by ObiJo
8-07-02
Hey, sweety, how was your day?
Could have been better. I was handed a three-hundred-page paper my boss needs edited, collated, and bound by tomorrow.
Really? Well, I know something that might make you feel better.
The penguins call?
YOU AND YOUR GODDAMNED PENGUINS!

 

by ObiJo
8-07-02
Excuse me, do you have the time on you?
...got out of jail and I'm so horny I could...
*SWOOSH*
What's so funny?
I was just thinking that if you knew the shit going on in my head right now, you'd probably change your locks.

 

by ObiJo
8-07-02
Great, now you've done it. You've awakened the monster.
Me? I'm not the one who fellated the fat bastard with sports equipment.
Help me up. This wounded sparrow look isn't helping my chance for survival.
Screw you, pal. You're my last line of defense if the high tension wire and army tanks fail.
MEAAAATTTTT!

 

by ObiJo
8-09-02
I'm not usually this direct, but I want to sleep with your wife. Name your price.
You have SOME nerve, pal! What makes you think you can just
NOT ONLY DO I HAVE TO STOMACH YOUR INEPT LOVE MAKING, BUT NOW I'M TO BE SOLD LIKE CHATTLE TOO?
$4000?
obo

 

by ObiJo
8-09-02
Well, how does it sound?
Like you're an idiot.
What are you talking about?
"Must See" equals you plus idiot.
A lot of people use "Must See" when advertising their car.
Not on their windshield.

 

by ObiJo
8-11-02
I don't know what to say...I'm truly touched.
You see, life wasn't easy for me growing up. I was the middle of eight children and always felt I was competing for my parents' love. But this award changes all that.
BECAUSE I WIN!!! YOU HEAR ME, JIMMY? I WIN!!!!

 

by ObiJo
8-13-02
While children, like the rest of civilization, benefited from all technological advances...
Listen you little bastard - I'm marrying your mother and that's all there is to it!
Not if I call CPS and have you arrested for making me touch your slippery snake!
I haven't done that!
Yeah, but THEY don't know that!
OH THAT'S IT NOW!!! YOU'RE GETTING THE SHIT KICKED OUT OF YOU!!!!!!
Tag.

 

by ObiJo
8-13-02
...R2BeatUâ„¢ was particularly popular among step-children.
*SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP SLAP*
Ouch, you're hurting me!
*KICK KICK*
I'm sorry, okay! I'm sorry!
*PUNCH PUNCH*
Mommy, help! Steve's hurting me again!

 

by ObiJo
8-13-02
And for dad...
*KICK KICK KICK PUNCH*
Please stop! I'll do whatever you want!
Thank you!
I'm a little too arm-weary to beat you the way I want. *Tag*
Mommy, where are you!

 

by ObiJo
8-13-02
THAT'S THE SHIT RIGHT THERE!
I know. I was here for it.
*TAG*
Damnit, you always get tagged right before I cum!
Don't worry, baby. I can always find time for a
SNEAKY PETE!!!
sneaky Pete.

 

by ObiJo
8-13-02
...BeatTheePOâ„¢.
Anything I should know?
I worked his face pretty good, but didn't give his midsection and groin the attention I wanted to.
Consider it done, big guy. Anything else?
If you finish up early, come and grab a steak with us.
Hey thanks!
Don't mention it. Without you, I'd never have freed up so much time for my knitting.

 

by ObiJo
8-13-02
I put a roof over your head and clothes on your back, and how do you repay me? With disrespect!
I'm sorry! I didn't mean it! NO! DON'T!
*KICK KICK, KICK KICK KICK, KICK KICK KICK*
Stop! Please!
*PUNCH PUNCH*
*SOB*

 

by ObiJo
8-13-02
So I looked my boss square in the face and said, "Well, those rotor turbines ain't gonna generate gravitons by themself!"
HaHa!
HaHa! I love you, Steve!
Really?
Do you mean it, Richy?
You betcha I do! You're the bestest daddy in the whole wide world!

 

by ObiJo
8-13-02
*KICK KICK PUNCH*
I'm feeling woozy!
*STEAM WHISTLE*
*KICK KICK... finally! Quitting time! Help me out of this costume, would you, Pete?
Me first, Joe.
So what are your plans for tonight?
Dinner and a movie with the misses. You?

 

by ObiJo
8-14-02
Hello, comic contest reader. This is your author, obijo.
I am trying to de-program myself of all that society has taught me about being guarded and fearful of others. I want to be completely open.
While opening myself up can produce great pleasure, it can also produce great pain. That's where Tex comes in.
I'm obi's inner defeatist!

 

by ObiJo
8-14-02
You see, whenever I start to open up, there's a part of my mind that says, "No, don't do it! You'll get hurt!" Show 'em, Tex.
No, don't do it! You'll get hurt!
And it scares the part of me that wants to be completely open, the real me, back into hiding.
Then it laughs laughs laughs. OH how it laughs. Show 'em, Tex.
Ha!

 

by ObiJo
8-14-02
So I grabbed a hobby knife...
And BOY was I screaming at this point!
Ya you were.
"No, don't do it! You'll get hurt!"
And there was some bit about the hobby knife too.
Oh, ya ya ya...I said...I said "It's a hobby knife, ya yit!"

 

by ObiJo
8-14-02
And I sliced the defeatist part of my brain right out.
Right out!
I think I accidently got a little more than that though. I can't see the color yellow and everything smells like cornbread.
Really? To me EVERYTHING'S yellow!
How do you know it's yellow if you don't know what the other colors look like?
Well it ain't green!

 

by ObiJo
8-14-02
Then I hardwired my defeatist chunk of brain to this robot here.
I still don't get that part!
By having you extant from myself, I solidify in my remaining mind that you are not me. You are society's attempt to change me.
You don't like me?
No.
But I'm Tex!

 

by ObiJo
8-14-02
No, you're the defeatist part of my brain.
No I'm not! I'm Tex!
Defeatist part of my brain.
Good-ole-got-your-back-when-you're-in-trouble Tex!
Defeatist par
Good ole Hey-Frank-seen-Tex?-Sure-have!-He's-over-yonder-saving-orphans-again Tex!

Showing page 21.

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