All comics by biped

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b-b-b... uh... hmm.. bad t.. uh times.... 28... *sneeze*
Well, fuck... least you have yellow hair, you incredible fucking dweeb...
by biped, 5-12-05

 

by biped
5-13-05
Hello. I am Delbert Sloyd.
Hello. I am Delbert Sloyd.
Hello. I am Delbert Sloyd.

 

by biped
5-13-05
...and so, for the next week, PBS will be following the day-to-day activities of one typical American family as they --
Mom! I've got syphilis!
Oh my, Bobby! That's awful!
Oh, don't worry, Mom! I didn't have sex with a girl or anything!
You...you mean you're...gay?
Nope! I caught it from a horse!

 

by biped
5-13-05
Hey, Mom! Guess what -- biped finally hit 1,000 comics!
Well, that's nice, dear.
But guess what else? The dumb fuck didn't even notice it until he was on #1,003!
He --
BWAAAH-HAAA-HAAAA-HA-HA-HA-HAAA-HA-HAAA!!!
HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HAAAAAA!!! DUMBASS!!!

 

by biped
5-15-05
Gimme all your money, or --
Have no fear! POWERLESS MAN is here!
"Powerless Man"? Err...what are your super-powers?
I don't have any!
Sorry, sir -- I tried to stop him, but he knocked me down and ran away!

 

by biped
5-15-05
Really? Even Bob Goldthwaite?
ESPECIALLY Bob Goldthwaite!
Guess what, Mommy? I just fucked Bob Goldthwaite!
Aw, that's wonderful, sweet-ums!
Err...you approve of your little girl fucking Bob Goldthwaite?
Sure! How the fuck else is she supposed to get her "I Fucked Bob Goldthwaite" Girl Scouts Merit Badge?

 

by biped
5-16-05
You got a scary glint in your eye tonight buddy.
Lack of pussy can drive a man insane.
As your pink imaginary horse friend heed my words. LOSE YOUR VIRGINITY!
I'm working on it. Last night I got in touch with my feminine side.
Cum...like it, Scott?
Oh, Tex...I thought you'd never ask.

 

by biped
5-16-05
The church you are to be marred in is over there.
OVER WHERE? OVER THERE? DUH!!!
It's over there.
HUH? YOU MEAN I JUST KEEP A-HEADIN' THATAWAY TILL SOMETHIN' HAPPENS?
It's right over there.
WHO AM I? WHAT'S A CHURCH? I PLUMB FORGOT! DUH!!!

 

by biped
5-16-05
It sure is exciting, getting married today, right, Jennifer? Are you excited? I sure am excited. Are you? I sure am.
I really want to get married, don't you, Jennifer? I sure do. I wouldn't think of chickening out, would you? I sure wouldn't.
I don't blame you for being a little speechless today. I'm a little speechless today, too. Are you? I sure am.

 

by biped
5-16-05
May I borrow a cup of sugar, please?
Why certainly, my dear. Would you like some old sugar or some new sugar?
Hmm? Oh, a little of both, I guess.
All right, dear. Help yourself.
Wha -- you keep it in the TOILET? But it's -- it's all YELLOW!
Well, of course it is, dear. It's soaked in my diseased urine.

 

by biped
5-18-05
I can't poo-poo.

 

"Close the windows! Mrs. Venitucci thinks she's a condor again!"
by biped, 5-21-05

 

by biped
5-21-05
...and when I went to click on the "refresh" button, I clicked on the "stop" button by mistake.
REALLY! Gosh, what happened then?
Well, nothing...except all the animated GIFs on the webpage suddenly stopped moving.
OH MY GOD, ha ha ha! That's so INTERESTING and FUNNY! Ha, ha, ha... LET'S HAVE SEX!
Darn, I'm gonna have to remember that story.
Yep, sounds like a sure-fire winner, all right.

 

by biped
5-21-05
You're nothing to me now, Alice. You're not a maid...you're not a friend...I don't want to know you or what you do.
I don't want you anywhere near the clubhouse or my room. When you serve dinner, I want to know an hour in advance so that I won't be there.
Oh, for Pete's sake, Greg. For the last time, I didn't throw away your copy of "Monster-Dick Pud Pounders."

 

"Sorry, Rape Man. Rape just isn't a super-power that the Justice Friends are looking for at this time."
by biped, 5-23-05

 

by biped
5-24-05
Ed, we want you to play Tiny Tim in the Christmas play this year.
Again? But I've played Tiny Tim every year for the last fifty fucking years!
Well, you know all the lines. Plus, you're a midget, so the costume still fits.
Son of a...
God bless us, every one. And may you all be dipped in dog shit and hung up by your peckers.

 

by biped
5-25-05
So, when the fuck are they going to start making some big, expensive sports cars for midgets? I can't drive any of this shit.
Sure you can, Sparky. Just slap a couple of phone books on the front seat and you'll be all set.
Ph...phone books? Why, you dirty...
Oh cool off, Scooter. For an extra grand, I'll have the boys in the shop whip up a nice, sporty high chair for you.
So, how'd you happen to get this whitewall tire shoved up your ass, Bill?
Can't talk...hubcap still spinning...

 

by biped
5-25-05
...so I said, "Don't look at me...that's not my donkey."
Ha, ha... ha, ha, ha... that was a very funny story, Brad.
It wasn't meant to be funny. It really wasn't my donkey.
Ha, ha, I -- huh?
In fact, I've never owned a donkey.
Hmm...maybe that's why he always looks so sad.

 

by biped
5-25-05
Brad, I bought you a donkey. May it bring you happiness.
?????
Well, come on, donkey. I have a doctor's appointment to go to.
There's a donkey trying to hump the x-ray machine! Who's responsible for this?
Me, I'm afraid. That's my donkey.

 

by biped
5-25-05
Brad, Jamalia has spearheaded a community fundraiser in your honor. We've raised enough money to buy you a hundred donkeys.
Oh. Thanks.
Who the hell's responsible for all of this catastrophic devastation?
That would be me, officer. Those are my donkeys.
...so I said, "That would be me... those are my donkeys."
Poor Brad...with all of this trouble, it's a good thing he loves donkeys so much.

 

by biped
5-25-05
A donkey just caused a 200-car pile-up on the freeway. I'm sure you know why I'm here.
Yes, I understand.
...98...99...100. They're all accounted for, officer.
And I thought this was an open-and-shut case. Well, it's back to square one for me.
...so I said, "Don't look at me...that's not my donkey."
I wonder how many times Brad is going to tell me the "donkey story."

 

by biped
5-25-05
Hey, it's the DONKEY MAN!
Mommy! Mommy! DONKEY MAN!
Yo, DONKEY DUDE! WUT UP!
Those donkeys are ruining my life.
Brad, I've sent a letter about you to the governor. He's declaring you "King Of The Donkeys" and is donating 500 more donkeys to the "Brad Schwartz Donkey Fund" --
Please don't take this the wrong way, Jamalia, but -- I hate the donkeys.

 

by biped
5-25-05
Well, if that don't just beat all. You try to help some people.
Say, aren't you the big dog food tycoon who distributes "Donkey King" Dog Food?
Yes. It's made from 100% real donkeys. Perhaps you've seen my new TV commercial.
YUUUUM, YUM!
"THAT'S MY DONKEY!"

 

by biped
5-27-05
Didn't figure a midget would be driving that expensive sports car when I pulled you over. Thought you "little people" only drove tiny little compact cars.
Fuck you, asshole.
That "fuck you, asshole" is going to cost you another fifty bucks, Peewee.
Oh, yeah? Bet you wouldn't be fucking me around like this if I were wearing a yarmulke -- "Officer Shapiro."
For your information, I gave my own rabbi a speeding ticket two days ago -- and he happens to be a midget.
Well, I wouldn't know about that. Two days ago, I was busy buttfucking your mom while your dad played the banjo.

 

by biped
5-28-05
NO, Jewish Man! Don't hurl the YARMULKE OF DOOM at me!
Well, you ASKED for it, Anti-Semitic Man! UP, UP, AND OY VAY!
These comics are SHIT, you fucking JEW ASSHOLE!
FUCK YOU, you fucking ANTI-SEMITIC BASTARD!
I think the comics are very nice, Shlomo.
THANKS, Mom!

 

by biped
5-30-05
And NOW -- I am going to use my SQUIRREL RAY -- to turn you into -- a SQUIRREL -- MEESTAH BOND!
Wot -- do you expect me to TALK?
NO -- I expect you to turn into a SQUIRREL!
(gasp!) NO, Squirrelfingah -- NO!!!
Ahhh, so that's how you got in here!
Yes. Now be a good chap and fetch me some Belgian mixed nuts, vintage '64 -- I'm feeling a bit peckish.

 

by biped
5-30-05
Oh, man... look what she's doing with those yarmulkes... oh, drooool...
HERSCHEL COWZNOFSKI! ARE YOU IN THERE READING "JEWBOY" AGAIN? THAT SHMOOTZ WITH ALL THE ZADNITZES AND THE SHMECKELS?
NO, MOM! JEEZ, I'M READING A HEBREW YOUTH MAGAZINE! LEAVE ME ALONE! *fwap*
YOU'D BETTER NOT BE READING THAT FARSHTUNKEN FORTZN ZOFFER, YOU SHMENDRICK! I'LL GIVE YOU SUCH GEBRENTEH TSOORES, YOU'LL THINK YOU'RE FARBLONGJID!
What the fuck is she talking about? I-- I-- I -- UNNNGGGHHH!!!!! *PLOTZ*
I HEARD THAT!

 

by biped
5-31-05
Hey, aren't you Johnny Castaway, the famous screensaver star?
Hmm-hmm-hmm...I sure am! Numina numina numina...
Well, what the hell are you doing on MY island? GET OUTTA HERE!
I can't. My raft crashed into a rock and I swam here.
So hurry up and build another one. Or else I'll kill you and eat you.
OR, I could teach you how to fish! Ever eat a boot? Mmm-mmm!

 

by biped
5-31-05
Mmm-boy! That was good! You know, sometimes I think the boot is the best part of the cow --
That tasted TERRIBLE! What the hell's the MATTER with you?
Hey, I've been out here for twenty years, kid! Just wait -- before long, you'll start thinking old boots taste like filet mignon!
What the hell's "filet mignon"?
Err...umm...I don't know.
Then SHUT UP!

 

by biped
5-31-05
Glad that idiot's gone -- hey, Friday! Where the hell have you been?
I was hidin' behind the tree. I'm a-scared of strangers.
Well, shoot! You coulda helped me overpower him, and we coulda had HUMAN MEAT for dinner!
But -- that'd make us CANNIBALS! No better than the ones who try to kill and eat US!
There you go again...always thinking you're better than someone else...
Did you save me any boot? I like the heel the best. Mmm-mmm!

 

by biped
5-31-05
Wow, an alien! Are you here to abduct me?
Yes, you are to be our next test subject.
Yay! I'm finally gonna get off this crummy island!
Oh no, we always put our test subjects back where we found them.
WHAT? That STINKS! I wanna go HOME!
Hey, what do I look like, a friggin' taxi?

 

by biped
5-31-05
Hey, what does this button do?
NO! DON'T TOUCH THAT!
YAAAAAAA!!!
YAAAAAAA!!!
Well, you blew up my spaceship! Happy now?
I find your sudden misfortune somewhat gratifying, yes.

 

by biped
5-31-05
These "cocoanuts" taste AWFUL! How do you eat this crap?
Sorry, I'm all outta alien food! How about an old boot? Tastes like filet mignon!
*smack* *smack* Hey, that IS good! Got any more?
Nope! You'll just have to learn how to fish!
Fish? You can FISH? Why don't you just eat FISH then -- DUMBASS!
Because I -- huh?

 

by biped
5-31-05
Well, I'm back! Miss me?
You IDIOT! We coulda been eatin' FISH all this time, instead of those stinkin' BOOTS!
Fish? Hmm...I guess the guys who made the screensaver thought it would be funnier if I ate boots...
WELL, THIS AIN'T NO DUMB SCREENSAVER, STUPID!
HOW DO YOU KNOW? MAYBE IT IS!
BECAUSE I DON'T THINK BOOTS TASTE BETTER THAN FISH, YOU BIG, FAT MORON!

 

by biped
5-31-05
Who's the hairy little disgusting guy?
That's Johnny Castaway. He's the guy who taught me how to fish for boots.
Oh? Well, I thought he looked pretty friggin' stupid.
Hey, why don't you perform an anal probe on him?
Why don't you SHUT UP?
Why don't you MAKE ME?

 

by biped
5-31-05
Well, the alien's gone. I guess his friends came and got him.
Why didn't they take us with them? They coulda dropped us off.
Because the aliens are big, fat DICKS! THAT'S why!
I guess we're stuck here, then. We'll probably die here.
Oh, it's not so bad. At least we don't have to go to school.
School? HEY! Maybe THAT'S why we're so freakin' STUPID!

 

by biped
5-31-05
LOOK! A SHIP! WE'RE SAVED!
HOORAY! PRAISE THE LORD!
Well, I'm gonna take Michael Jackson up on his offer and go live with him. I bet it'll be WALL-TO-WALL GIRLS 24/7!
COOL! And I'M gonna change my name to GILLIGAN and start a whole new life as FIRST MATE on a TOURING BOAT!
CRAP!!!

 

by biped
6-02-05
Hello, laddie! O'Miller's the name! "Feasty" O'Miller!
You look more like "Beasty" O'Miller to me! HAW HAW HAW!!!
They calls me "Feasty" cuz I loves to eat, and -- "Beasty"? What be the meanin' of ye callin' me "Beasty"?
Because you look like a BEAST! DUMMY!
WAH-HA-HAAAA!!! Oh, (sniff) and I so wanted to make a new friend! WAH-HA-HAAAAAAAA!!!
HEY, EVERYBODY, COME LOOK! "BEASTY"S BAWLIN' LIKE A LITTLE CRYBABY! HAW HAW HAW!!!

 

by biped
6-02-05
Say, aren't you "Beasty" O'Miller?
Ach, NO! The name's "Feasty" O'Miller! Not "Beasty" O'Miller! "FEASTY", not "BEASTY"! Blast it all ta Perdition!
Why, that mischievous lad must be spreadin' it all over town that me name's "Beasty" instead'a "Feasty"!
Hi, "Beasty"!
Wha -- why'd you rip all my clothes off???
Cuz that's what beasties do, lassie! They rips all yer clothes off!

 

by biped
6-02-05
Look, everybody! I'm feastin' like there's no tomorra! See? That's how I got me name!
What -- you mean because you eat like a beast, "Beasty"?
Right, I -- NO! Cuz I'm FEASTIN' here, ya cloth-eared --
Will there be anything else, "Beasty"? We have a pie a la mode that's mmm-mmm, fit for a "beast"--
OH MY GOD!!! "BEASTY"!!! WHY DID YOU SHOVE A FORK UP HIS NOSE AND INTO HIS BRAIN!!!
Cuz that's what beasties do, lassie! They shoves a fork up yer nose 'n' inta yer brain!

 

by biped
6-02-05
Okay -- why did you shove a fork up that waiter's nose and into his brain?
'Tisn't in me nature ta do such things, officer! I was driven to it! Why, normally I'm as twee as an ickle babe at his mum's --
Yeah, yeah, umm -- how do you spell "Beasty"?
ACH! YE SPELLS IT BY ME SHOVIN' YER OWN GUN UP YER ARSE 'N' PULLIN' THE TRIGGER, THAT'S HOW YE SPELLS IT!
Our top story tonight -- the "Beasty" O'Miller killing spree continues unabated. Survivors report that "Beasty" -- huh?
IT'S "FEASTY", NOT "BEASTY", YE NUMPTY -- GAH! -- BAMPOT! WHY, I'LL KILL YE ON YER OWN BLEEDIN' TV SHOW, YE NAFF, MANKY -- ACH! -- PLONKER!

 

by biped
6-02-05
Well, well, well! If it isn't my old pal -- "Feasty"! Hiya, "Feasty"!
WHY, YOU LITTLE -- what's that, laddie? Ye...ye got me name right! Oh, saints be praised! At last, ye called me "Feasty"!
Sure I did...that's your name! "Feasty"... McBEASTY! HAW HAW HAW!!! "FEASTY" McBEASTY!!! "FEASTY" McBEASTY!!!
AAARRRGGGHHH!!! YAAAAAAAA -- !!!
Aww...he blew up. Poor Mr. McBeasty.
His real name was O'Miller, sis... "Feasty" O'Miller. That's...that's the way we should remember him... when we look back on this...and laugh.

 

by biped
6-08-05
Umm...getting buttfucked by that horse was AWESOME....horses have such BIG, HARD DICKS!
Hi! I'm "Sock-Puppet Stew"!
DICKS! DICKS! DICKS! SHOVED UP MY BUTT! RAMMIN'! SLAMMIN'! PIERCING MY GUT!
You're such a cute little gurl!
Dive headfirst into my anus, Sock-Puppet Stew. And pretend you're a big... throbbing... ELEPHANT DICK!
That's Disturbing.

 

by biped
6-08-05
*FRRRRRT* Oops, pardon me.
*SNIFF* Mmm...that smells GOOD.
Old lady's fart gave me erection. I FUCK YOU NOW, BABY.
GET OUT OF HERE, YOU FUCKING FART-SUCKING BASTARD!
I pay old lady ten dollars to fart at me while I masturbate.
That's Disturbing.

 

by biped
6-09-05
Billy, I want you to stay after class again and help me pound erasers.
No! NO!!!
POUND, BILLY, POUND!!!
OMIGOD, THIS IS SO CREEPY!!!

 

by biped
6-12-05
"This just in...the revolution WILL be televised after all."
Mommy! Come look!
WHAT THE FUCK?!?
It's the revolution, Mommy!
SHIT! Well, dinnertime, sweetie!
Oh, boy! I want a dog shit sandwich, Mommy!

 

by biped
6-12-05
Hey, Mom! I just MURDERED ALFRED HITCHCOCK!
Alfred Hitchcock's ALREADY DEAD, you fuckin' LIAR!
Oh well, he LOOKED like fucking Alfred Hitchcock... anyway, what the fuck's for SUPPER?
CAT TURDS, ya fucking little TWERP!
MOMMY'S NOT KIDDING -- WAAAAA-HAAA-HAAAA!!! THE CAT TURDS TASTED HORRIBLE AND SHE MADE ME EAT --
SHUT THE FUCK UP, Sis!!!

 

by biped
6-12-05
I'll fuckin' KILL Bobby for tellin' me to SHUT UP! Where's that butcher knife --
MOM! SALLY'S PLOTTING TO KILL ME!
Well, SOMEBODY oughtta, ya little SHIT!
FUCK YOU!!! AND COOK ME SOME FUCKING DINNER!!!
WHATSAMATTER -- CAT TURDS AIN'T GOOD ENOUGH FOR YA, MISTER ROCKEFELLER?
"Cat turds" for supper -- AGAIN? Go take your pills, ya fucking retard!

 

by biped
6-12-05
Sure was nice of Dad to take us out to eat! Almost makes me sorta LIKE the fucking BASTARD!
But I'm already full of CAT TURDS!!! WAAAAA-HAAAA-HAAAAA!!!
Wha -- where am I? What the fuck happened --
YOU HAD ONE OF YOUR SPELLS, YA FUCKIN' DITZ! NOW SHUT UP AND EAT YOUR FUCKIN' OYSTER PUFFS!
"OYSTER PUFFS"? But they're made outta leftover membranes, and --
They're CHEAP! You want something that TASTES GOOD, YOU pay for it, DICKHEAD!!!

 

by biped
6-12-05
BLEEEEECHHHH!!! Oh man, I'm throwing my fucking GUTS up! FUCK DAD, that fucking shit-for-brains COCKSUCKER!
SHUT UP, I'M THROWIN' UP OYSTER PUFFS AND CAT TURDS, FUCKFACE!!! BLEEEEECCCCHHH!!!
Well FUCK, let's have SEX, you fucking SKANK-ASS WHORE!
I AIN'T DRUNK ENOUGH YET, YOU SHIT-EATIN' FAG-ASS FUCKIN' DWARF!
Next morning...
EAT YOUR FUCKIN' "HITLER'S RUNNY-ASS SHIT" FLAKES, SHITHEAD!
FUCK YOU, MOMMY, I HATE YOU! WAAAAAAA-HAAAAAAA-HAAAAAAA!!!

Showing page 21.

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