All comics by biped

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by biped
6-14-05
LOOK! IT'S THE GO-FUCK-YOURSELF MOUNTAINS!
The what?
The Go-Fuck-Yourself Mountains!
Why do they call them the "Go-Fuck-Yourself" Mountains?
Huh? Err... I don't know. I never thought about it.

 

by biped
6-17-05
*sniff* *sniff* Hey, I smell puppy farts!
Oh boy, PUPPY FARTS! They're CUTE!
*FRR-RRR-RRT*
Oh, YUCK! It's just regular old DOG FARTS!
NO...NOOOOOO!!! WE WERE SMELLING REGULAR DOG FARTS!!! REGULAR YUCKY OLD DOG FARTS!!!
WE'VE GOTTA GET THOSE AWFUL DOG FARTS OUT OF OUR LUNGS!!! HURRY, SIS!!! LET'S GO VOMIT!!!

 

by biped
6-17-05
Okay Melvin, just try to act like you are alive -- people will not know that you are really dead.
Hey hey! Melvin's the life of the party! He's "party dude"!
He can drink more than anyone else and not get drunk!
I just fucked him -- I think I can feel a fetus developing.
I just stuck my entire arm up his ass!

 

by biped
6-17-05
I am here to engage in sexual intercourse with you, Earth female.
Well, whip your dick out! COME ON, LET'S SEE IT, FUCKFACE!
"Fuckface"?
Woof! Woof! I don't need tampons anymore!

 

by biped
6-23-05
I can stick a kazoo up my butt and make it go "toot, toot!" And if I eat enough beans, I can fart "O Susanna", "Jimmy Crack Corn" --
I don't like the new kid...he's creepy...
-- "She'll Be Comin' Round The Mountain", "Turkey In The Straw", the theme from "Bonanza", the Oscar Meyer weiner song --
Shut up...shut up...shut up...
-- "Hold That Tiger", the theme from "Hogan's Heroes", the second movement from Beethoven's 7th Symphony, a medley of Richard Simmons' --
Dude...did it ever occur to you that most people don't want their music accompanied by the horrible stench of your rank farts?

 

by biped
6-24-05
BIFF MCGURK! You've just won a DREAM DATE...with your OWN SHIT!
I've...what?
COME ON, Biff! Pound out a REALLY GOOD ONE! After all...it's going to be your DREAM DATE!
UNNNFFF!!! I don't understand...
Well, my own shit...uh, I guess...this is pretty romantic, huh...?

 

by biped
6-26-05
Mommy! Bobby just told me that ADOLF HITLER was my real daddy! That's not true, is it?
Yes, honey...I'm afraid it is.
WAAAAA-HAAAA-HAAAAA!!! I DON'T WANNA BE SALLY HITLER!!! WAAAAAAAAA!!!
But we're all Hitlers, dear. I'm Mrs. Hitler...Bobby is Bobby Hitler...and Woofy...he's Woofy Hitler.

 

Hi, I'm Britney Spears, and I wanna fuck you senseless.
NOOOO!!! I'M STILL STRAIGHT, BUT MY DICK IS GAY!!! MY DIIICK IS GAAAAY!!!
by biped, 6-26-05

 

by biped
6-26-05
HOLA! I am doing -- eh -- THE MONSTER MASH!
But you're supposed to be DEAD, Gramps! DEAD!!!
MOMMY!!! Gramps is DANCING AROUND in the GRAVEYARD!!!
Oh, what a vivid imagination you have, dear. Yes... we'd all love to see Gramps again.
SURPRISE!!!
YAAAAAAAA!!!

 

So...what are we supposed to eat here?
You have an unlimited choice of "Hot-To-Go" items from any of the 7-Elevens you will find every fifty feet here, free of charge. MWAH-HAHAHAHA!!!
by biped, 6-27-05

 

So...where do we go shopping for stuff here?
You get one hour per week at a Super Wal-Mart in Butte, Montana. But you'll be a midget, so your nose will be in the "fart zone" the whole time. MWAH-HAHAHAAHA!!!
by biped, 6-27-05

 

So, uh...do we get to...you know...have sex here?
Why, of course! Every weekend, I'll turn you into Jackie Stallone's male prostitute's penis. MWAH-HAHAHAHAHA!!!
by biped, 6-27-05

 

by biped
6-28-05
Oh boy! You're my favorite baseball player in the whole world, Mr. Stenshaw! Can I please have your autogra --
YIKES!!! SHIT-FUCK-PISS!!! FUCKITY-FUCK-FUCK!!! MOMMYYYY!!!
Nuts.

 

by biped
6-28-05
WOOFY!!! *sniff* WOOOOFY!!!
Aww...what's the matter, little girl?
*sniff* I losted my HOLY SHIT-EATING MOTHERFUCKITY HELLHOUNDS ON WHEELS!!! YOU CRAZY-ASS, SHIT-FOR-BRAINS, 100%FUCKED-UP ASSHOLE!!!
Nuts.

 

by biped
6-30-05
You look lost.
Santa forgot to leave this gift for little Becky Schmelmanfoofer. I'm trying to find her.
Becky Schmelmanfoofer? She's buried in my crawlspace under a layer of quicklime.
I...oh. Did you murder her?
Of course I murdered her, dipshit. Why else would I bury her in my fucking crawlspace?
Oh, well...heh, heh...I collect pine cones and make little pine cone people out of them.

 

by biped
6-30-05
Can I help you, dickface?
Yes, I'd like...er... "dickface"?
DON'T PUSH ME, shitbreath! Unless you want your HEAD SHOVED STRAIGHT UP YOUR FUCKING ASS!
Oh, MY! Well, I... I'd rather just order a Grape Ade...
"Grape Ade"? HA HA HAAA!!! Why -- you must be a PROFESSIONAL DUMBASS!!!
Oh, no -- I'm one of Santa's elves!

 

by biped
6-30-05
Thank you for the lovely dinner, madame. Santa will bestow you with many lovely gifts next Christmas.
Uh-huh...and thank YOU for helping me dispose of Herb's corpse.
I...huh? How did I do that?
You think I could afford all those steaks? You just gorged yourself on HUMAN FLESH, elf. You're a cannibal.
Oh, boo-hoo! Santa will be mad at me!
Feh! What do you think I left out for his fat ass last Christmas Eve?

 

by biped
6-30-05
So...do you have a REGULAR penis, or some kind of ELF penis?
Why...I don't know! I've never seen anyone else's penis before!
Here's mine! Howdaya like it, Bub?
My, it's BIG! Mine's so tiny and cute!
HA HA! Well, I guess you don't need a big dick to fuck a girl elf!
Oh, there ARE no "GIRL" elves! We fuck REINDEER!

 

by biped
6-30-05
Nope, ain't never heard of a Billy Puppidorkamus! Reckon yer in the wrong county there, little feller!
Oh, that's too bad! He wanted this "Seventies Fuck-Film Playset" so very badly!
"Seventies Fuck-Film Playset"? Why, if'n I play muh cards right, that could be MINE! ALL MINE!
Did you just think of something, Mr. Farmer, sir?
Yep! I just remembered -- I'M Billy Puppidorkamus! Now hand over that package, PRONTO!
Oh, you'll like it, Billy! They do such funny things with their sticky parts!

 

by biped
6-30-05
...and, you say that if I step into that machine, it will magically transport me back to the North Pole?
Faster than you can say "sugar plums", Sparky! Now scoot on in and I'll pull the old lever!
But...I'm still here!
Well yes...you're still here. But NOW...you're a COYOTE! Heh, heh!

 

by biped
6-30-05
Well, Santa...I'm back!
GOOD! I need the CRUST scraped outta my ASSHOLE again! Now HOP TO IT!
WELL?
...so I shoved a stick of dynamite up his butt.
WOW! What a COOL way to KILL SANTA CLAUS!

 

OH, DEAR GOD, NO -- MY APPENDIX!!!
by biped, 6-30-05

 

by biped
7-02-05
Yes? What do you want?
Woof, woof...woof.

 

by biped
7-02-05
I must make a sale today or I will be fired. This time, I will try being more aggressive.
WOOF! WOOF! WOOF!
YAAAAAAA!!! MAD DOG!!! MAAAD DOOOG!!!
Oh, SHIT -- WHERE?

 

by biped
7-02-05
This time I will demonstrate the product. Then the customer will see how delicious "Puppy-Krunch Dog Yummies" are.
Mmm...mmm... yummy...(drool)

 

by biped
7-02-05
Call me...?
MANGRAVY! A BUCK A LOAD! GETCHER MANGRAVY RIGHT HERE!
What the -- where the hell am I?

 

by biped
7-02-05
So, how'd it go yesterday? This is a new thing for the company, you know...hiring a dog to sell door-to-door.
Oh, that's right...you can't talk. Well, maybe if you just acted it out it for me.
Call me...?

 

by biped
7-04-05
And you say you witnessed the entire incident?
That's right, officer. Every word of my account has been completely accurate.
How do you figure that you can talk in the first place? I mean, you're a cat.
Hmm...I can't really explain it, officer. In fact, I never even thought about it until just now.
And just why should I believe you? I have no way of knowing how trustworthy the word of a cat is.
I only lie to mice, officer, when I tell them: "Come here, little mouse...I won't eat you."

 

by biped
7-04-05
*squeak* *squeak*
Come here, little mouse... I won't eat you.
GULP! Mmm.
...down to the station to sign a statement.
I'm sorry, officer. What did you say?

 

by biped
7-04-05
I sense the presence of mice in this building.
Yeah, yeah...mice... big problem. Wait here while I get the chief.
I wish they had magazines in here, I --oh, my.
*squeak* *squeak*
I lied to three mice while you were away, officer.
Yeah, great...well, the chief just fired me for bringing a cat in to make a statement.

 

by biped
7-04-05
Well, now I can be a sidewalk quick-portrait artist like I always wanted.
Oh, would you draw a portrait of me, please?
Sure, here you go. How do you like it?
Oh, heh, it's good, little mou -- err, police officer. It's very good.
*squeak* *squeak*

 

by biped
7-04-05
The chief says you can come back to work if you're all over this "talking cat" thing.
Oh, good. Let me go tell the cat.
Okay, I -- hello?

 

by biped
7-04-05
I've never done anything like this before. I hope I can get the hang of it.
Oh, I'm sure you'll do fine. I'll just stand over there and observe for awhile.
DO YOU SEE STUFFED MEATBALLS ON THE MENU, YOU SLIMY LITTLE PUNK? NOW GET YOUR DUMB ASS OUT OF HERE OR I'LL RUN YOU IN!!!
Eh...ehh.. WAAAAAAAAAA-HAAAAA-HAAAAAAAAAAA!!!
I didn't handle that well, did I?
It doesn't matter. He ran out into the street and got run over by a dump truck.

 

by biped
7-04-05
I hate to disturb your meal, commissioner, but I'd like to intercede on behalf of my friend, Officer --
You -- you're a TALKING CAT! So the stories are TRUE!
Yes, they are. He never lies, sir...and neither do I. Well, except to mice, when I tell them, "Come here, little mouse...I won't eat you."
So, you're saying he's completely sane? Completely, utterly, unconditionally sane?
Oh, heh...of course he is, little mou -- I mean, commissioner. He is totally sane.
*squeak* *squeak*

 

by biped
7-04-05
I, uh...I sorta wanted to see, err, your new partner...the talking cat...heh...
We're busy, Firkins. Get lost.
The suspect broke down and confessed, Bill. The "good cat, bad cop" routine worked again.
Well, let's call it a day. I hear the dinner bell ringing.
Welcome to Pets-R-Us! Can I help you?
Yes, I'd like a bag of your most gullible mice, please.

 

by biped
7-04-05
Hi, Mrs. Hudson! May I get my ball out of your backyard, please?
Why certainly, Bobby.
GRRRRRRAAARRR!!!
YAAAAAAAAAA!!!
*sniff* The -- the dog tried to EAT ME!!!
Why, of course he did, dear. A vicious, mad dog will always regard you as his tasty prey.

 

by biped
7-04-05
JOEY IS PLAYING VIDEO GAMES OVER AT JEFF'S HOUSE!!!
THIS SURE IS A COOL VIDEO GAME YOUR MOM JUST BOUGHT FOR YOU, JEFF!!! I LIKE THE WAY YOU CAN USE THE GRENADE-LAUNCHER TO KILL THE BAD GUYS!!!
I USE IT TO KILL THE HOSTAGES, JOEY!!! IT'S MORE FUN AND HORRIBLE THAT WAY!!!
MOM!!! JEFF USES HIS GRENADE-LAUNCHER TO KILL THE HOSTAGES IN HIS NEW VIDEO GAME!!! WHY WOULD HE DO THAT!!!
BECAUSE JEFF DOESN'T HAVE GOOD EXAMPLES TO LEARN FROM LIKE YOU DO, JOEY!!! HIS PARENTS ARE TOO LENIENT!!! YOU SHOULD TRY TO HELP HIM!!!
HEY, JEFF!!! LET'S PLAY YOUR NEW VIDEO GAME!!! ONLY THIS TIME SAVE THE HOSTAGES INSTEAD OF BLOWING THEM UP!!!
WE CAN'T PLAY IT, JOEY!!! MY SISTER GOT A HIGHER SCORE THAN ME YESTERDAY SO I SMASHED IT OVER HER HEAD!!!

 

by biped
7-04-05
GEE, JEFF!!! IT MUST BE NICE TO HAVE LITTLE BROTHERS AND SISTERS TO PLAY WITH!!! INSTEAD OF BEING AN ONLY CHILD LIKE ME!!!
I HATE MY LITTLE BROTHERS AND SISTERS GUTS, JOEY!!! THE ONLY THING THEY ARE GOOD FOR IS BEATING UP AND TORTURING!!!
DAD!!! WHY CAN'T I HAVE LITTLE BROTHERS AND SISTERS TO BEAT UP AND TORTURE LIKE JEFF!!! HE SAID IT WAS FUN!!!
NO!!! THAT IS VERY BAD, JOEY!!! BESIDES YOU KNOW THAT WITH MY LOW SPERM COUNT, YOUR MOTHER AND I WERE LUCKY JUST TO HAVE YOU!!!
I THINK WE SHOULD BE NICE TO YOUR LITTLE BROTHERS AND SISTERS, JEFF!!! AND INCLUDE THEM IN OUR GAMES AND STUFF!!!
THAT'S WHY THEY ARE BOUND AND GAGGED IN MY CLOSET, JOEY!!! AND NOW IT'S TIME TO DUMP IN THIS BAG OF WOLVERINES THAT WE'VE BEEN TERRORIZING!!!

 

by biped
7-04-05
JOEY HAS BEEN INVITED TO A COOKOUT AT MR. WILSON'S HOUSE!!!
I'M HERE FOR MY T-BONE STEAK, MR. WILSON!!! HEY!!! WHY IS YOUR BACKYARD ON FIRE!!!
BECAUSE I TRIED TO LIGHT MY BARBECUE PIT WITH GASOLINE, JOEY!!! I USED TOO MUCH AND IT BLEW UP!!!
MR. WILSON'S BACKYARD IS ON FIRE!!! PLEASE SEND A FIRETRUCK TO HIS HOUSE REAL QUICK!!! OR THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD MIGHT BURN UP!!!
WE WILL SEND ONE OUT RIGHT AWAY!!! IN THE MEANTIME, GET OUT OF THERE!!! FIRE CAN BE VERY DANGEROUS, JOEY!!!
WELL, YOUR HOUSE BURNED DOWN, BUT THE STEAKS ARE COOKED JUST RIGHT!!! THAT'S GOOD, HUH MR. WILSON!!!
NO, JOEY!!! I WOULD RATHER HAVE MY BEAUTIFUL HOUSE THAN FOR THE T-BONE STEAKS TO BE WELL-COOKED!!!

 

by biped
7-05-05
How's the Italian food in this place?
Good. Try the veal -- it's the best in the city.
I'll have it.
I'm...gonna talk to Michael in Italian now.
Talk to who?
Mi -- oh, shit. Backtrack!

 

by biped
7-06-05
"When petting just isn't good enough anymore...try BEASTIALITY ZOO! Opening soon in Des Moines... Boise... Mt. Schmeckel..."
Oh, boy! A brand new kind of zoo! And it's supposed to be even BETTER than a PETTING ZOO!
MOMMY, I WANNA GO TO BEASTIALITY ZOO!!!
NO!!! OH MY GOD, NO!!! HONEY, THEY HAVE SEX WITH THE ANIMALS IN THOSE AWFUL ZOOS!!! DIRTY--HORRIBLE--SEX!!!
"...and if your mommy says it's bad...that means SHE'S bad! Rob her purse... sneak out of the house... COME TO BEASTIALITY ZOO! NOW!!!
Should I tie her up too?

 

by biped
7-06-05
BUH-WOOOOO!!! WUH-WUH-WOOOOOOO!!!
Oh, yeah! Come to papa, you gorgeous coyote, you!
I came here like the TV told me to! Can I start havin' fun with the animals now?
Twenty dollahs fuh ten minutes. Pick out yo' "date" and take thuh nex' empty room.
EEP! EEP!
COME ON, BANANAS! LET'S JUMP ON THE BED UNTIL IT BREAKS DOWN!

 

by biped
7-06-05
MOMMY! I went to BEASTIALITY ZOO and had ALL SORTS OF FUN with a MONKEY!
OH, NO! NOOOO!!!!! MY BABY!!!
ME AN' THE MONKEY DID IT IN BED UNTIL THE DARN THING BROKE DOWN!!!
GAAAAAA!!! NO -- NOOOOOO!!!!!
What's the matter, Mommy?
You're ruined -- RUINED!!! No DECENT MAN will EVER want you for his bride now!!! SOB!!!

 

by biped
7-06-05
EEP! EEP!
YAAAAAAAAA!!!
The monkey followed me home, Mommy! Aww...he must really like me!
We'll...we'll have to have a quiet wedding...just the family...and... I suppose we could fix up the basement into a... B-BRIDAL S-SUITE... CHOKE!!!
EEP! EEP!
And I do, too! YAY! NOW WE'RE MR. AND MRS. BANANAS!

 

by biped
7-07-05
Hey, mom! I wanna be an ABORTIONIST!
GOOD HEAVENS, Bobby! What on earth brought THAT on?
I just seen a documentary about it over at Whitey's house! It was fekkin' COOL!
Well...you'll have to go to medical school...I suppose your father and I can manage to afford it... somehow...
"Medical school" -- PHOOEY! I'm makin' a buttload of cash RIGHT NOW!
Can I go to the prom now?

 

by biped
7-08-05
WE ARE THE SAMBO GIRLS!
WE LOVE LITTLE BLACK SAMBO!
LITTLE BLACK SAMBO! LITTLE BLACK SAMBO! YIPPEE!
HOORAY! YAY! HA-HA! SAMBO! SAMBO! LITTLE BLACK SAMBO!
Well, we did that for twelve hours. Now what?
Let's go read "Little Black Sambo" again!

 

I have a BIG DICK!
by biped, 7-08-05

 

by biped
7-08-05
Ok, let's finish up this interview with a few questions. Do you smoke?
Nope.
Do you drink?
Sometimes.
"Sometimes"? What do mean by that?
Well, only to kill the pungent aftertaste of wolf and chimp jizz.

 

by biped
7-08-05
Honey, I'm *hic* home...
This is the 15th night in a row that you've come home late! I've had enough of this shit, I want a divorce!
Please forgive me baby...I swear, I'll make it up to you.
And just how do you plan on doing that?
By becoming a space shuttle commander.

 

by biped
7-09-05
BEEP-BEEP! Me name Donnie! HERE COME DONNIE! VROOM! VROOM!
GRRRRRRR!!!
OWW-EEEE!!! BAD DOGGY BITED DONNIE!!! WAAAA!!!
HA HA HA!
*sniff* Me's BO-BO hurts! Bad doggy bited Donnie's BO-BO!
I'm afraid that's not all that's wrong with your "bo-bo", Donnie. That dog had rabies. AND -- he was radioactive.

Showing page 22.

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