All comics by christopher7murphy

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Again! Again!
But Halloween is over! You'll have nightmares.
I don't care! Read it again!
Alright.
-shiver-
Cut up one pumpkin, add three eggs, and a half a cup of sugar. Bake for 45 minutes at 350 degrees...

 

Christmas is coming, the goose is getting fat...
Please put a penny in the ol' man's hat!
Cha cha cha!
Sir...put the jar of Vaseline down and step away from the evergreen!

 

Whoa! I've never wassailed before.
by christopher7murphy, 11-02-07

 

What ya in for?
Wassailing,
by christopher7murphy, 11-02-07

 

I don't get it?
And you're not gonna, either!
by christopher7murphy, 11-06-07

 

Do you think we will go to Hell if we practice the wrong religion?
Of course not. As long as we respect each other and try to leave this world a better place.
It's not like God looks down at us and says, "Oooo! You helped thousands of people but you believed in the wrong religion...LOSER!"
Oh! I so do NOT sound like that!

 

Barn Swallow
-GULP-
by christopher7murphy, 11-08-07

 

Had enough?
Why are you hitting me?
Cuz you robbed the bank, threatened the president, and revealed my secret identity!
...and you wanna know if I had enough?
Well?
I slept with your wife, too!

 

Wow! You are kinky!
Thank you.
You REALLY like your meals!
I bet I've slept with every piece of food in this place.
No. There's a german sausage left in the fridge.
Ahhhh...The wurst is yet to cum.

 

Do you know the worst part about having sex with food?
The jealousy.
Jealousy?
Over who gets to "do" the dishes.

 

murmermurmermurmermurmer
Do you hear that noise? This house is haunted, I tell ya!
Nonsense!
murmermurmermurmermurmer
That's just the sound of the house settling .
-sigh- This will do. ...I guess.

 

Hulk LIKE girl!
...But him not.

 

I have an appointment with....
What kinda freakin' IDIOT are you?
You have the nerve to ask me what kinda idiot I am? What kinda IDIOT do you think I am?
I don't know! What kinda idiot are you?
Well, I must be the biggest idiot in the entire world to come here!
YOU'RE HIRED! Welcome aboard!

 

Listen! In exchange for your witchcraft powers, you will live your remaining days knowing the method of your demise!
Ovens? No way that one will get me! I'm movin' into a gingerbread house!
Water? But it's EVERYWHERE!
HA! Lucky me! What are the odds of a house falling out of no where?
MONKEY SNOT? What kind of mortal weakness is that?
-sniffle-

 

Hey, do you remember when all this use to be a housing developement?
Damn drive-though!
Poo doesn't go as far anymore, does it?

 

Darn it. I OBVIOUSLY arrived at the intersection AFTER he did. Why won't he go?
Is he trying to be nice? Look, now HE'S mad at us!
Should I go? Should I wait...hold it, now he's going! Damit..he stopped!
Jerk. TAKE YOUR TURN!
I think I just ejaculated!
Why didn't you wake me?

 

Paris Hilton had this to say about her plight for dunken elephants, "It's HORRIBLE! Elephants are drinking way too much!"
"Last month, six drunken elephants knocked over a utility pole and electricuted themselves."
"Can't you see? Drunken elephants make LOUSY TIPPERS!"

 

Thanks to the writer's strike, television networks will soon air 'canned' series.
Honey, why did you make me go to this play? I can't wait to go home...I think my heads gonna explode!
Honestly, Abe! Can't we do one thing I want to do?
Programs already finished but never immediately picked up for run time.
I let you do things. Crazy things!
I've heard good things about this play.
A new television season is about to start ......(Who Cares).
-sheesh-
It's not gonna kill you!

 

I wanna go home. I've got a coal shovel I started and I could hardly put it down!
No! You will watch this play if it's the last thing you do!
I'll watch it...but I'm not gonna like it!
You go find our seats. I'm gonna go to the consession stand.
Get me some Goobers!

 

Let's see...a Coke, popcorn..and oh yeah...some powdered antidepressants, please.
Mrs. President! Mrs. President!
Who are you?
My name is Jacqueline Kennedy. I have come to invite you to a very exclusive club.
The Red Hat Society?
Close.

 

Mrs. Lincoln, allow me to introduce the First Ladies Murder Club. I'm Jacki-O.
I'm Mrs. William McKinley. But call me Ida.
I'm Mrs. James Garfield. (I hate Mondays.)
And aren't you Mrs. Hillary Clinton? But she's not a president?
Well...if she ever does become president...I guarantee you she's taken a few shots to the head. Hee Hee.

 

Meanwhile...Back in the box:
Sic semper tyrannis!
Sic semper tyrannis?
It's Latin.
Latin, huh? I bet you never seen a nakid girl...have ya?
Oh God! I'm gonna die a Virginian...aint I?

 

We are gathered here today to honor a true hero! This brave dog broke out of his holding pen just in time to save my wife!
He cornered the kidnappers and recovered the family diamonds without a care for his own safety!
...and that's when I shit on the runway and he threw me back in here.

 

Training the new clerk: CONFIDENCE!
Do you have "McDuff's Folly"?
I'll check!
Training the new clerk: EFFICIENCY!
Training the new clerk: DUH!
The computer says we have three copies. Do you want me to check the shelves to see if they are here?
um?..That's kinda the reason I called.

 

I called yesterday to get you to hold a copy of "McDuff's Folly" for me?
Yes I did.
LIAR!
I saw you leave last night...and your hands were EMPTY!

 

Captain, Oh, Captain. My bestest friend ever. His tactics so bold, his solutions so clever.
Breaking hearts all over, on planets and starships.
He kissed his Communications Officer smack-dab on the lips!
You must be doing it wrong! No one is paying attention!

 

The toilet is plugged and it's overflowing all over the place!
Great! An already stressful day added onto! What else could go wrong?
....and we are out of singles in the change till.
...no connection.
I'm actually surprised.

 

You brought everything else from the consession stand?
But...you forgot my Goobers.
No I didn't. Here they come now.
Hey, Abe!
"Judy, Judy, Judy!"

 

I'm just saying, Captain Marvel is probably the only person in the world who never goes to the bathroom.
I mean, with the stamina of Atlas, all he has to do is hold it until he says "Shazam," and then Billy drops the duece!
Yep. The urinal lines are way too long this year.

 

ZZZzzzzz... "of course I'm fixed"...come on baby, I can go all night... snore zzzzZZZ
by christopher7murphy, 11-20-07

 

Interesting. It says here that Adolph Hitler had only "one tentacle."
Must be a typo.
Adolph Hitler had only one TESTICLE!
So lame!
Guten label , Fräulein. Du bist ein Buchhandlung -aintcha?

 

What can you tell me about this series of books? The numbering system is confusing.
Well, this series is actually made up of two series.
That's stupid...you're not making any sense.
It would be like you and your husband being part of a family, yet you are also part of your parent's familes.
-gafaw!- My parents are DEAD! How dare you!
I can't win. Why do I try?

 

Not everybody can get into heaven. I must review your life, see if you are worthy. How did you die, my son?
A church fell down on top of me.
Go on in.

 

Hey, I heard your accapella group got a new gig.
Well, yes...but we had to pass on it.
Why?
It was a preformance for the Altoids Company...
But accapella means we can't have "a Company Mint."

 

Doctor! Oh, Doctor! My little baby swallowed his brother's toy.
Calm down, calm down.
It was just a yo-yo.
He won't be able to keep it down.

 

RRRrrarrrgg!
Spenc-CER!
by christopher7murphy, 11-27-07

 

How was the funeral?
Stressfull! There was a very strict dress code. A lot of people refused to wear formal attire.
That's too bad. If it were my funeral, I would want everyone to feel relaxed. Wear what ever you like.
Or come naked.
Thanks. Now I can't wait for you to die!

 

Prego Spaghetti Sauce tastes so good, that even a Spice Girl can't think of anything to add to make it better!
"Um...how 'bout..um.. uh...HEY! Stop it! OWW! Let me go! -glub glub-
...so we rammed her face into a great big pot of it!
Thata bitcha, she stole my recipia!

 

We just recieved seventynine boxes from freight, Kenny called in sick, there's a bus full of retired librarians outside our door, the computer is down...
Okay.
The district manager is on line two, we're out of quarters, they took your nephew to the emergency room, someone spilled a Mr. Pibb in aisle three,
No prob!
...and "Rosebud" was the sled.
FUCK YOU!

 

Hello. I'm Bruce Wayne. And today I want to tell you about a MAGICAL new line of cooking utensils.
This cookware is INFINITLY superior to the next leading brand!
When Zatana and the rest of my Super Friends come over for brunch, I make sure I have NAMTAB POTSâ„¢ in my kitchen!
Somebody "POTS" him, please!

 

Hey, Pencil Dick! Get me seven hundred copies of "Emily Post: Guide to Manners."
That jerk called me "Pencil Dick" and demanded seven hundred copies of "Emily Post: Guide to Manners!"
Seven hundred copies?
Well, Pencil Dick... go get him some.

 

Pssst! Hey Big Boy! Wanna "make a snow man?"
Arrrg! A talkin' snowman is trying to pick me up?
Yep.
Shiver me timber!
NowTHAT'S what I'm talkin' 'bout!

 

There sure is a lot of controversy about that childrens book, "The Golden Compass." What's it about?
Oh, its a great adventure with magical lands and dangerous adversaries.
Yeh. But what's it about?
It's about a young girl and her magical familiar. She must find her friend who has been taken by evil beasts from magical lands where animals talk,
Yes! But what's it about?
About 300 pages.

 

Will you give me a discount because of all the stickers on this book?
Mam, that book originally priced at FIFTY DOLLARS! We put the sticker on it and are now selling it for a mere three dollars.
But the sticker ruins the cover! Can you at least peel it off?
Yes, mam.
Now, how much do I owe you?
Fifty dollars.

 

Egads! It's Lex Luthor! The greatest criminal mastermind of the century!
Santa Claus! So we meet again.
Rogaine?
Rogaine.
Oreos?
Deal!

 

9:00 am -------------Has the book I ordered arrived yet?
9:15 am -------------Has the book I ordered arrived yet?
9:30 am -------------Has the book I ordered arrived yet?
9:45 am -------------Has the book I ordered arrived yet?
9:48 am -----------Your book arrived.
Great! I'll pick it up in a month!

 

I don't have the book you want in stock, but I can order it for you.
Can you get it by Christmas Eve?
Sir, there is only ONE more delivery day before Christmas.
Are you telling me that I can not get it in time for Christmas?
I'm sorry. It takes at least a week.
Amateurs!

 

Well! Christmas is ruined!
Why Santa?
The book I ordered from the Book Store won't arrive in time.
Too bad you didn't order it earlier.
Whose side are you on?
Oops..sorry sir, "How dare they!"

 

No! NO! The auditions are for Pair-a-DEEs!

 

Hey! I thought of a way to score some cash from the toothfairy.
How's that?
I'm gonna put put dog teeth under my pillow each night. Bet I score five bucks a tooth!
snicker.
So how did you make out? Did you fool the toothfairy?
Got a milkbone.

Showing page 22.

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