All comics by umfumdisi

Profile

 

Even though I'm prejudiced, I'm a complex individual with emotions, and I'm going to learn that emotions are what we all have in common no matter our race.
I gotta go, Mom. I'm having sex with a white woman.
by umfumdisi, 12-14-06

 

I wish I was never born.
You're not the only one.
by umfumdisi, 12-16-06

 

by umfumdisi
12-17-06
This time try plugging the lights into my ass.
What was that?
Proof natural selection hasn't been doing its job.

 

by umfumdisi
12-19-06
Hello. I get your credit card offers in the mail at least once a week. Sometimes twice.
So we've finally broken your spirit and you want to join?
No, I want it to fucking stop.
No problem. Just let me get your name, address, birthdate, and Social Security Number.
Hello?

 

by umfumdisi
12-19-06
*sigh* I hate this part of my job.
Name: Andy Janks; Sex: Male; DOB: 03-12-65; Cause of Death: Autoerotic Asphyxiation; Last Request: "Circles In The Sand"
~\ "Dehydrated... Slightly decomposed... A wishing stone thrown hopeless to a mirage... Liquid blue just like your dying eyes... I sympathise... I carry you... We are making circles in the sand." /~

 
by umfumdisi, 12-19-06

 

by umfumdisi
12-23-06
Sorry, to bother you on Christmas Eve, Krissom. This one's pretty bad -- young girl, about eight years old. Only name given was Karen.
How did you get her name?
From her "friend." He's right over there -- was a real puddle when we got here, but he's coming back to life.
Holy Shit!
Frosty?

 

by umfumdisi
12-23-06
I know I must remain objective, but I can't believe my old pal Frosty had anything to do with this murder.
We can keep him on ice while we gather more evidence.
True, he has a record. And he's always been a bit of a drifter.
Personally, I think he's been trying to snow us.
Maybe. Just make sure Gaylord brings me those speciman samples.
No problem. I'll take some more x-rays of the body.

 

by umfumdisi
12-23-06
Well, Krissom, Karen was definitely molested ... in the anus.
Oh, Vixen, say it isn't so!
And the fecal matter from that slide was an exact match to one taken from Frosty's carrot nose.
So we have proof!
Yes, thanks to Gay's scat films.

 

Just a god-damn minute, fatman. Are you tellin' me there are snakes on this motherfuckin' sleigh?
by umfumdisi, 12-29-06

 

by umfumdisi
12-31-06
You know the routine, dude -- out with the old, in with the new.
But I still have an hour left...
Slenderizing chinos are buy one get one free until midnight!
Hmmm.
Here's $50. Knock yourself out.
It's a miracle!

 

by umfumdisi
12-31-06
What are you doing in the worker's lounge?
I do work here.
Okay, now say something like, "What's your excuse?"
What the hell was that?
Most people have little devils or angels advising them. I have a sarcastic snowman.

 

by umfumdisi
1-04-07
Eat thou this blood pudding in remembrance of me.
Ugh, I can't stand the cite of blood pudding. Can we get some Cherry Garcia, instead?
It is me, Jesus!
It makes me sick the way you treat us like...sheep. Yeah, I said it! Screw you, crossboy. I'm going back to Europe.
Over in Europe...
Now get thee down to the water, my son, and I will baptize ye in the name of my father.
Forget it, Jesus, you can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear.

 

by umfumdisi
1-08-07
What's that, Eddie?
It's my pet cow. I'm having him enter CC 344.
That's stupid.
Why?
You can't win because of a techno cow, Eddie.

 

by umfumdisi
1-08-07
* type, type *
409 ki-ko'prw90 94-k;o'afso p?ka4 378 ugkjla;f
Damn hooves.

 

by umfumdisi
1-08-07
Okay, the voice-recognition software is installed and the microphone's ready. Go for it!
Mooooooo.
Mooooooo.

 

by umfumdisi
1-08-07
I don't know why I let you bring me down here.
Be quiet; you'll scare them away.
Yeah, like this is the real Fraggle Rock.
Shhhhhhhhhh!

 

Hunh, I thought it'd be bigger.
by umfumdisi, 1-08-07

 

No connection? What a rottenberry.
by umfumdisi, 1-08-07

 
by umfumdisi, 1-08-07

 

by umfumdisi
1-08-07
Where did Abe Vigoda go? I can't find him anywhere.
Hee, Hee!
Abe Vigoda, come out come out wherever you are...
Hee, Hee!
Abe Vigoda thinks he's invisible.
Hee, Hee! That dumbass thinks I'm invisible.

 

by umfumdisi
1-08-07
Hey, Satan, welcome to Hell!
What's wrong -- realtor screw you over?
Or did you get your directions from Mapquest?

 

So yer quarter got stuck in the machine, did it?
by umfumdisi, 1-08-07

 

by umfumdisi
1-12-07
Mmmmmm. Is that the succulent, seductive smell of lasagna wafting from the oven?
No. The dryer's broken. You're smelling my gym socks in the oven.
I fucking hate Mondays.

 

by umfumdisi
1-12-07
Debbie--your blind date is here.
Oh, boy! Yay!
Evenin' ma'am, name's Dallas.

 

by umfumdisi
1-12-07
RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR!!
Oh, Hell!
TOBOR WILL CRAFT YOU A HANDSTITCHED HOMILY!
Okay...
READ IT!!
"ANUS SWEET ANUS"

 

by umfumdisi
1-14-07
Shhhhhhhhh. I'm memorizing the complete works of Keanu Reeves.
Whoa.
Exactly.

 
by umfumdisi, 1-14-07

 

by umfumdisi
1-15-07
Are you guys playing Meatloaf over your soundsystem?
Yes, it's his latest release -- Meet the Loaf -- a dynamic mix of tender love songs, saucy ballads, and slow jams.
Okay.
Each and every song is supermarket related and guaranteed to put you "in the mood for food."
What's this track called?
"Only 20 Items in the Speed Checkout, Please (It's Okay if You Have 22 or 23, But Don't Be a Jackass Bringin' 25 or even 30; That's Just Lame)"

 

What's this track called?
"Paper or Plastic"
by umfumdisi, 1-15-07

 

And the "Honky of the Year" Award goes to...Michael Richards!
I'd like to thank all the little people who made this possible. And the niggers.
by umfumdisi, 1-17-07

 

by umfumdisi
1-17-07
And his sidekick, Officer Post-It Not...
We've caught the assailants on camera! Put out an all boints pulletin!
"All boinks. Put it in." Got it.
They resembled two small, flightless, Antarctic waterfowl. The lenguins are on the park!
"The legumes are going to spark!"
Antarctic, eh? I bet they're going for the Bexican morder!
"Gonna be the best I can, Mother." Let's roll.

 

by umfumdisi
1-17-07
Ever had a Porkchop Sandwich?
No, but I had porkchops and toast for breakfast once.
No, a Porkchop Sandwich.
Again, no.
Let me spell it out. Would... you... like... me... to... give... you... a... porkchop... sandwich? I usually charge 50 bucks for one, you know.
"Usually charge?"

 

by umfumdisi
1-17-07
See? I told you the Ice Cream Man would come to the desert.
Yeah...
But he didn't have any Bomb Pops®.

 

by umfumdisi
1-23-07
It's time once again for the fabulous Chocolate Fest! A $5 donation gets you in the door and all the chocolate you can handle!
So come on down and stuff your snout. That's what Chocolate Fest is all about!
All proceeds benefit the National Kidney Foundation and it's fight against diabetes.

 

by umfumdisi
1-23-07
Happy Opposite Day!
If it's Opposite Day, shouldn't I be over there?
It's not that kind of opposite, dummy.
Oh, sorry.
And that's why you'll never be over here!

 

by umfumdisi
1-23-07
AND I BESEECH -- NAY, COMMAND THEE MY BRETHREN... TURN THOU THINE OTHER CHEEK SO'ST I SHALL RAPETH MY BOUNTY!!!
BENDETH THOU OVER TO MINE WILL!!!
AND WITH A GNASHING OF THE TEETH, AND A GREAT RENDING OF ASSHOLES, THUS SHALL TOBOR CORNHOLE THE WORLD!!! AMEN!

 

by umfumdisi
1-28-07
How went the vasectomy?
Good and bad. The best part is no more condoms!
What's the worst part?

 
by umfumdisi, 1-28-07

 

by umfumdisi
1-28-07
I'm off to Beaver Finishing School!
How do you finish a beaver?
With my tongue.

 

by umfumdisi
1-31-07
This hallway ain't big enough fer the both of us.
Reckon what we oughta do 'bout it?
Change backgrounds?
Suits me.
This elevator ain't big enough fer the both of us.
Why did I marry you?

 

by umfumdisi
1-31-07
Where's a fucking trash can when you need one?

 

by umfumdisi
1-31-07
You watching the Super Bowl?
Hell Yeah! Who you for?
I'm a horse. I have to pull for the Colts.
Yeah, I'm rooting for the Bears for the same reason.
You're a horse?

 

by umfumdisi
2-01-07
What're you thinking about?
I have the power to enact one law that everyone MUST obey.
How about a law prohibiting the ingestion of pork and pork byproducts?
Okay, but how would that affect me?

 

by umfumdisi
2-02-07
Quick, gimme a match!
pfffffffffffffffft!
It really does work on owl farts!
Told you so.

 

by umfumdisi
2-02-07
Well you may not see me out too much. And I may seem a little out of touch.
With my sunken eyes and blotchy skin, you won't ever wish to see me again.
But don't worry that I'm on my deathbed, cause I'm just the neighborhood meth head!

 

by umfumdisi
2-02-07
Oh you'll see me round the block, you know. For a fee I'll give a little blow.
And just five more gets you a swallow. Seriously, I'll suck it til you're hollow.
Yes, I used to be so young and cute. Now I'm the neighborhood prostititute!

 

by umfumdisi
2-02-07
Well my type goes in and out of style, but I always make the children smile.
I'll wow them with a little joke or scare them with a little poke.
Though I'm the one laughing all the while, cause I'm the neighborhood pedophile!

 

by umfumdisi
2-02-07
We're here in Van Nuys, California eagerly awaiting the arrival of The Hedgehog.
Ooh, he's crawling out of his hole right now -- surrounded by beaver as usual. And I think I see...
SPROING!
YES! Ron Jeremy has an erection. There'll be six more weeks of porn!

 

by umfumdisi
2-06-07
Wow! I'm going to screw an astronaut.
This is when I usually make my joke about exploring uncharted territory.
Just take off the damn suit already.
Sure, I'll give you a tour of my cockpit.
Are you wearing a diaper?
Well, I am ready to launch.

Showing page 22.

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