All comics by kaufman

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by kaufman
9-28-02
I was feeling so bad. I asked my family doctor 'bout what I had. I said:
Doctor! Mr. M.D. Can you tell me whats ailing me?
He said:
First of all, although I'm a doctor, I am not an M.D. My degree is a Ph.D. in Pedantry.
Furthermore, to ail is an intransitive verb. Proper usage would be to ask "why I am ailing." Also, you must add an apostrophe to "what's," for you are shortening "what is."

 

by kaufman
9-28-02
Who's next?
First Desco left the site; that was fine, 'Cause a job was on the line.
Then ObiJo left here, but that's ok. 'Cause our floorboards won't sag so much that way.
Who's next?
Deisel left us, but don't you grieve. Cause he's just a twit, I believe.
Manky_Man left us, but have no fears, He's the same lad of no more than twelve years.
Who's next?
Then Matthew Eastaugh claimed that he was gonna come back any day.
LadyJ left too, that's right. Had better things to do every night.

 

by kaufman
9-28-02
Who's next?
Habnem also had to go, Though he's back as il_schmucko.
Then we see Australia's DexX, Goes the way of T-Rex. "I must work things out, do not grieve, but just in case, I really must leave."
Who's next, Who's next, Who's next?
Firefly is next to go. And then wirthling? I don't know.
We'll try to get some sleep at night, after Brad has left the site!
Who's next?

 

by kaufman
9-30-02
I wonder what's a good kind of vacation to go on. I know; I'll ask an Internet newsgroup.
I have some vacation time coming to me. Do you think it would be fun for me to spend two weeks on a cruise?
Yes ... Absolutely ... Don't miss the opportunity ... You'll love it ... I wish I could come along ... Go for it! ... That is so gross and disgusting ... Do it! ... You have to! ...
Everyone seems to approve, except ... Nicole Kidman.

 

by kaufman
9-30-02
Compatriot Americans: Imperative necessity eradicating Iraqi dictator ...
After the White House replaced him with Lieutenant Polysyllabic, Captain Monosyllabic returned to his travel agency job.
No, I'm sure my sister and I DON'T want to spend our vacation in Chad. Don't you have any other suggestions where we could go?
Maine.

 

by kaufman
9-30-02
Despite its name, Newfoundland is on very old Canadian shield rock, and was the first part of the Americas to be discovered by Europeans.
The Bermuda Triangle does not encompass Bermuda. Rather, it's just somewhere out in that area.
The Canary Islands do not have such songbirds, nor are they yellow. Rather, they are named from the Latin for dogs.
People complain that the Grand Banks are misnamed since you can't withdraw money from them. Tell that to the Titanic salvage crews!
There's a reason it's called the Pedantic Ocean.
Greenland is covered with glaciers -- large sheets of ice.
And volcanic heat keeps Iceland awash in greenery.

 

by kaufman
9-30-02
Hey Hernandez, it sounds like we're finally going to get a decent meal tonight. And Italian too. I heard General Lee say he was taking us all to Spaghettisburg.
A square meal? I'm so hungry, I could eat a horse. I'm going to try and get to the front of the line.
I nead a volunteer to be on the vanguard for this little foray.
Ooh, ooh, pick me!
Welcome to Spa Gettysburg, where the hot rivers of blood will clean out your pores.
Medic!

 

by kaufman
9-30-02
TOBOR SICK OF CORNHOLING. TOBOR BEAT.
I'm a little sick of it too. Why don't you take a nice, long vacation.
VACATION GOOD IDEA. TOBOR GET ON ROCKET AND GO TO NICE WARM PLACE. DESTINATION SELECTED!!!
Really? Where are you going?
URANUS.

 

by kaufman
10-01-02
Oh look, honey, it's the White House. Will you take my picture standing in front of the fence?
Sure thing, sweetie.
Click!
2 weeks later ...
Jesus Christ! You fucked up this picture too. I'm not even in it!
It's not my fault. Have you ever tried aiming a camera with both arms nailed to a cross?

 

by kaufman
10-01-02
I *hate* El Ninos.

 

by kaufman
10-01-02
Five o'clock can't be far...
*TWEEEEETTTT!!*
YES!!!
See you Monday, man.
No you won't. I've got vacation time coming. Two full weeks away from the narration box mines.

 

by kaufman
10-02-02
This is terrible. Things are so bad, I can't afford a vacation this year.
RING, RING!
Hello?
Hello, we are offering you a one-week all-expenses paid one-week trip to hell for only $59. Would you like to go?
Sure!

 

by kaufman
10-02-02
Things to pack: brimstone repellant, Sin-Away, toilet paper, extra film, Lego, clean underwear, ...
At the airport:
I'm looking for the flight to Hell.
Gate 666, right this way.
Please be seated. The entertainment portion of this flight is beginning.
Needless to say, this is an Aeroflot flight.

 

by kaufman
10-02-02
Welcome to hell. My name is Steve, I'll be your tour guide this week.
We've got a fun-filled trip lined up for you, culminating in your meeting Satan himself. So do you have any questions?
Just one so far. Isn't it a bit warm? It must be 2000 degrees here, but the forcast said the temperature would be in the middle-80s.
No, no, no. You heard them wrong. They said the "middle-Hades." You should see it when we have a heat wave.

 

by kaufman
10-02-02
And over here's Death, our collector of souls. Death will now tell us a little about his job.
Sorry, but no time. I've got to run.
Oh yeah, I forgot.
Forgot what?
"Proof of Life" is showing on the cable in five minutes.

 

by kaufman
10-02-02
When an eel hits your eye and you feel like you'll die, that's a moray.
Nun of your bismuth.
And those were the fire pits where the world's tyrants are damned. Over here in the ice fields are the incorrigible punsters. Be very careful what you say around here.
I have a question. I saw Stalin and Genghis Khan in the fire pits, but not Hitler. Shouldn't he be there too?
Oh, Hitler's not dead yet. He's alive and well and living in Argentina.
Ah, so hell hath no Fuhrer? ... OWWWWWW!

 

by kaufman
10-02-02
It's been my pleasure showing you around hell for the past week. Now I am happy to turn you over to my master, who will gladly talk to you for the next 90 minutes.
I hope you've enjoyed the trip. Thursday you may have noticed the luxury condominiums being built on the shores of the Lake of Blood. We are offering you the opportunity to ...
WAIT A MINUTE! You're just using these trips to sell fucking timeshares? I'm not interested. I don't have to listen to this shit!
Well, actually you do. Read the fine print.
NOOOOOOOO!!!!!
... payments per year, allowing for the selection of one calendar week. Should the buyer decline ...

 

by kaufman
10-03-02
Are you ready to leave yet?
Just a moment. I have one more contest entry to read. Then I can judge.
How to keep DexX from Leaving ... by kaufman
This one ought to be good. I hope it's a series.
For the next part of this series, read http://www.stripcreator.com/view.php?ID=92134
Another part? I'll tell Bec I'll just be a moment longer.

 

by kaufman
10-04-02
On my vacation I visited a girls' school in Nepal.

 

by kaufman
10-04-02
Hello, as a part of Breast Cancer Awareness Month, I'm asking you if any of your boobs have lumps.
Hold on, I'll check.
stripcreator.com regulars page
Well, ObiJo definitely does, and I think DexX does too.

 

by kaufman
10-04-02
Memento
I'm in a hotel room. A tattoo says I've lost my short-term mammaries, and another says I must find the man who checked my wife for lumps, and kill him.
Star Wars
Obi Wan, are you telling me the Death Star is just a giant space breast?
Yes, Luke, and it has one small spot of weakness. You must drop a radiation tratment precisely there in order to save the universe.
Blazing Saddles
Mammogram for Mongo.
Oooh, Mongo like titty squeeze.

 

by kaufman
10-05-02
As a public service, we've requested that some of stripcreator's best and brightest share their ideas on breast cancer prevention.
Constrictive clothing encourages the development of cancer cells. No pants for me, and I NEVER wear bras.
120 decibels of gut-crunching metal will blow any budding malignancy away. Crank it up!
The therapeutic power of cats is well known. I rub one against my chest at every possible opportunity.
Don't ... move ... a ... muscle. Keeps the cells from banging up against one another and going bad.
I had my breasts drilled and capped. Hygenically sealed, nothing bad can get in.

 

by kaufman
10-07-02
Hi boys and girls, we're Tommy and Tammy Tumor, and we're here to tell you the story of breast cancer.
We may have been born when your mommy was talking on the cell phone too much, or when she sat out in the sun too long, or when she failed to laugh at boorite's comics.
Or it could have just been our pal Uncle Dna.
We had sheltered childhoods. No one came around to play with us. Everyone ignored us, and so we were left alone to eat all day and get bigger.
Till one day they found us. And there was such screaming going on, you'd think the Cubs had won the Series.
Oops, time's up. Next week, we'll tell you why mommy's hair's different.

 

by kaufman
10-07-02
Makeup got it wrong. I'm not a prostitute. I'm a prosecutor.
Me too!
Vladimir, would you like my vodka? Would you like my wife?
I don't know what to say, Dmitri.
Uganda?
I ganda! I ganda! I ganda! I ganda! I ganda! I ganda! I ganda! I ganda! I ganda! I ganda! I ganda! I ganda! I ganda! I ganda! I ganda!

 

by kaufman
10-08-02
YAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!

 

by kaufman
10-08-02
Edible light bulbs
Practicing their laundry skills
In the doughnut hole.
Look out for orange
Flannel floppy disk cases
Because I die now.

 

by kaufman
10-08-02
Ring, ring!
Ring, ring!
Ring, ring!
Ring, ring!
Baaaaaa.
Ring, ring!

 

by kaufman
10-08-02
Starlit wallaby fahrvergnuegen in teal. Come to me!
Who raises the stone to the sound of flattened chameleons?
Singing harmonica water bubbles overcome the lizards.
Who? Where? How? Another who? Why?
Cool Asian boulevard slow and fast on television.
Hey guys, don't mind me. I just want a drink.

 

by kaufman
10-08-02
There is someone knocking at the door.
I will answer it there is room for plenty more.
Who is it? Who goes there?
Breast cancer.
What do you want?
Nothing in particular. I was just checking out your knockers.

 

by kaufman
10-08-02
Ce n'est pas un téléphone.
Ce n'est pas une turbine de rotor.
Ceci ne produit pas des gravitons par lui-même.
Ha, Ha.
Je me rends.

 

by kaufman
10-09-02
H2O

 

by kaufman
10-09-02
My son keeps barking like a dog and putting forth streams of obscenities in the middle of sentences. Any idea what might be causing it?
Tourette's or not Tourette's, that is the question.
Doctor, I keep breaking out in skin rashes whenever it's Monday. Do you think I'm allergic, or is it psychosomatic?
It is the mind that makes the body itch.
Doc, I busted my arm while trying to stay on an angry bull.
Rodeo, rodeo, wherefore art thou, O' rodeo?

 

by kaufman
10-10-02
I leave tomorrow for two weeks in Hawaii. See you when I get back.
Have fun!
Enjoy your stay, ma'am. You have complete beach privileges.
Whoa! Nice tan!

 

by kaufman
10-10-02
Your name is Cecilweed, you goddamn animal, I ought to take you out back and make you beat yourself with a rusty rake in the shed.
Get off the shed. For the love of god just get off the damn shed! Oh man, I am really tripping out here.
I think my hands are made of wood, here have a feel, Jeffy me lad!
Me sitting on a big fish.

 

by kaufman
10-10-02
A recently conducted survey of people aged 15-45 suggests that their opinion of cancer is much more optimistic than previously reported.
When faced with the specter of breast cancer, the test subjects unanimously approached the subject more with humor than with fear.
It should be noted that in recent months, this same group has similarly reacted when faced with pirates, dadaism, parties in Austria, Burma Shave signs, ...

 

by kaufman
10-11-02
Look, Mr. Policeman, I'm jaywalking.
Crack. Wanna buy some crack? Oh officer, search me and find the crack.
Here piggy, piggy, piggy. Here piggy, piggy, piggy.

 

by kaufman
10-11-02
What if the people who killed my mother come after me?
What if I start to look like my father, and all the polo ponies he's ridden accidentally take out their revenge on me?
What if Grandmum decrees that I should be beheaded? I'm scared.

 

by kaufman
10-12-02
Hello, I-95 FM, how can I help you?
Hi, this is Steve. I just heard Nickelodeon's doing an all-day Jack Webb marathon, so I won't be coming in to do my show this afternoon.
Your's the fourth DJ to call in about that. I guess we'll just go off the air and do transmitter maintenance.

 

by kaufman
10-12-02
Vice President Cheney...
I have critical information about Saddam that will tell you how and when to attack. Bring Rumsfeld to the Gulf station in Silver Spring.
Come on Sniper, forget the Citgo and the Chevron, you're due for a Gulf ...

 

by kaufman
10-12-02
I've been looking so long for a bra that can control my boobs. I hope this Bali T-200 model can do it. They say it's the world's strongest brassiere.
We'll see how this immovable object takes on the irresistable force... Uh oh, I feel some shaking .... LOOK OUT!

 

by kaufman
10-13-02
I finished the head, but I can't find the rest of the pieces. Did you take them?
I'm not telling!

 

by kaufman
10-17-02
Are you sure this Brain Surgery for Dummies book will work?
Of course it will. Here's the relevant section: If you don't have a cranial drill, have the patient stand outside and call the Norad hot line, code "braincut". Ok, step on out. I'll call.
Hmmm, not bad. Drilled a perfect hole. Too bad they wasted so much ordnance on it; the backyard's all ripped up. We'll have to cancel Saturday's croquet game.
This is a free service? No wonder the government's budget's fucked.

 

by kaufman
10-17-02
H2O
H2O
Thank goodness, I'm saved. Let me drink from you, lovely lass!
Ptuuuii! Nothing but dust!

 

by kaufman
10-17-02
H2O
Yeah, right. I know your type. You won't make no fool out of me. I ain't drinkin' from you.
H2O
H2O
Lap, lap, lap, lap!

 

by kaufman
10-17-02
prick prick prick prick prick
H20
prick prick prick prick prick
H20
So what's your secret, Mary? How come you never have water retention problems?
H20

 

by kaufman
10-17-02
H2O
Should we tell Houston, Neil?
I don't think so, Buzz. They'd never believe us.

 

by kaufman
10-17-02
H2O
H2O
It really worked. My umbrella sales tripled today. Thank you so very much!
Just give me my cut, lady!

 

by kaufman
10-17-02
Engineer
That glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
Narcissist
I can see my reflection in there.
Quantum Physicist
Upon observation, the wave function will collapse, and the glass will either be completely full or completely empty.

 

by kaufman
10-17-02
Windows User
Installing water: [########50%....................]
Masochist
Mmmm... glass to chew on.
Philosopher
I drink, therefore I am.

 

by kaufman
10-21-02
Thanks to modern medicine,
My body is short on cancer immunity.
SERIOUS TINNITIS!
these people are able to survive
My thumb is malformed,
All head, no body.
and even eventually reproduce.
PROCREATE AND PROCREATE MILLENIUM PROCREATE!

Showing page 23.

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