All comics by niteowl

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"I told you there were no Confederate soldiers in that tunnel, now look where we ended up, sir."
by niteowl, 5-28-05

 

by niteowl
5-28-05
NOOOOO!
That's right, I erased that wimpy 3rd panel, and you're next!

 

by niteowl
5-28-05
I'm going to do something I haven't done for any other user, possums...I'm going to let you decide your own fate.
Does this involve any *glorp glorp* action?
Sadly, no.
So what's the catch?
Here's the deal. The next time you make a forum post about whether a host is going to judge a contest soon, you die.
Fuck. Please tell me that the Eternal Sunshine DVD offer still stands.

 

by niteowl
5-29-05
Mr. President, how do you feel about the recent events in Uzbekistan?
What events?
Like President Islam Karimov sending troops to Andijon to slaughter hundreds of dissidents?
Man, I love Islam!
Wh-what?
He is one kickass dictator. If I was a chick, I'd let him go down on me.

 

by niteowl
5-29-05
So you don't think there's anything wrong with what Karimov did?
Nope. You see, Uzbekistan has been a great ally of ours in the War On Terror©. They were the first to help us in Afghanistan.
You could say the same about Saddam Hussein. He was an ally during our squabble with Iran during the 80's...
That's different.
Why is that different from this situation?
Because Saddam is a dirty, smelly Middle Eastern punk bitch, that's why.

 

by niteowl
5-29-05
So basically, you don't care about how the United States is perceived by the rest of the world in supporting a murderous dictator in Uzbekistan?
That is correct.
Care to elaborate a little further?
Listen, why do we have to answer to anyone? We are the only superpower left. We rule the world. Fuck what everyone else thinks about us.
...that is, until we have to go crawling on our hands and knees to every other major country in the world, asking them for help in Iraq.
Goddamnit, I wish you liberal beat writers would shut the fuck up about that. You make us sound like panhandlers.

 

by niteowl
5-29-05
Lets switch gears and talk about Sensenbrenner's proposal of H.R. 1528...
Ah yes, the Safe Access to Drug Treatment and Child Protection Act...
Give us an overview of the proposed bill, Mr. President.
It states that if you witness drug offenses, or even learn about them, you must report them to the police within 24 hours or you will face a mandatory minimum 2 year prison sentence.
So what will you do if Barbara and Jenna get busted again?
Who are Barbara and Jenna? Wait a second, who are YOU? Why am I in front of this big white building? Why am I wearing this stupid hat?

 

by niteowl
5-29-05
You realize that if you learn that your daughters are on drugs again, you have to turn them in, Mr. President.
The hell I do!
Sir, you would be breaking the law-
I would be able to get out of it. Look how long I've lasted with all the scandals surrounding this administration.
Fair enough, but what about the court of public opinion here in America? How will you deal with the potential backlash?
Shit, that's easy. I'll just talk about God a lot. It's the right-wing version of the Jedi Mind Trick.

 

by niteowl
5-29-05
Well, Mr. President, it seems like you have an answer and an excuse for everything.
That's right, I do.
Except for how bad the Texas Rangers were when you owned them...
DON'T YOU DARE BRING UP THE SAMMY SOSA TRADE!

 

by niteowl
5-30-05
I went to fairenough.com after seeing their commercial on TV today.
Holy Christ, it took forever to load. Plus, all their documents were in pdf format. Talk about boring.
I imagine you just sat there and twiddled your thumbs waiting?
Nah, I smoked a cigarette.
If you quit smoking, you'd be able to afford a faster internet connection.

 

by niteowl
5-30-05
I laugh when I see those Fair Enough commercials. It seems like they look at "Big Tobacco" as if they were a bunch of mafia hitmen, going around forcing people at gunpoint to light up.
Why not put some effort towards educating people on the dangers of smoking and developing programs to help people quit?
Because it's more dramatic to blame tobacco companies, instead of pointing the finger directly at the smokers themselves for choosing to smoke.
I love you, man.
I ain't borrowing you a cigarette, punk. You already owe me a carton...broke ass motherfucker.

 

by niteowl
5-30-05
Hello there! I overheard you taking about smoking and-
So you were butting into our conversation, eh?
Whoo! That was punny!
So, Mr. Butt-For-Brains, which tobacco company hired you to go around promoting smoking?
It's no tobacco company, it's fairenough.com! They need people to smoke...if no one smokes, what would they be up on their soapbox about?
I should've known.

 

by niteowl
5-31-05
One of those chicks on Maxim's Hot 100 said that she's dedicating her pictorial to all our troops overseas.
Aww, that's sweet.
So does that mean the troops will be too busy jerking it to her pics to kill people?
Make love to yourself, not war.

 

"Poor Detective Foley. We told him that he needed to cut down on the Cherry-filled Bismarcks."
by niteowl, 5-31-05

 

BLACK EYED PEAS! WOOO!
by niteowl, 6-03-05

 

by niteowl
6-03-05
One day in the front office...
So I says, "Let's change our name and really piss off the people in Anaheim."
What is with the sports teams in Anaheim?
Wait, wait...you're supposed to say-
...first it was the Mighty Ducks. Ducks aren't mighty, and certainly hockey playing ducks are even less mighty. Now, you've got this Angels crap.
Man, you totally fucked up the punchline in this comic.
What the fuck are you talking about?

 

by niteowl
6-06-05
Awright, the next song we're gonna play is based on a true story.
We were in our hotel room after a show and...
Bloody 'ell, Keith! Would you please stop snorting coke off that bird's knockers and get back onstage?

 

by niteowl
6-06-05
Cunts...all of you.
I hope you all die.
Buy my crappy new album first though!

 

by niteowl
6-06-05
Phlarbin fargin phlarbin...
Aw fuck.
SHARON! THE DOG CRAPPED ON THE BLOODY STAGE AGAIN!

 

by niteowl
6-06-05
Hello. Good evening. I'm sure you're aware that my band is not with me onstage. That's because instead of playing songs and telling stories...
Me and my lovely wife will have tantric sex right here on stage for 2 hours.
Feel free to take notes, male members of the audience. I know you poor bastards need all the help you can get.

 

by niteowl
6-06-05
Hello, my blessed children. I am your God, Scott.
We are really glad to be here.
Especially since this will probably be our last meaningful gig before we ride out the rest of our career on the county fair circuit.

 
by niteowl, 6-06-05

 

by niteowl
6-06-05
You are witnessing the rebirth of Van Halen, Mark 4.
I'd like to introduce our new lead singer, Tom Jones!
BOOOOOOOOO!
HEY! It's mine and Alex's band and we'll fuck it up anyway we want to! And you shut up over there, Michael! You haven't said shit for 25 years, don't start now!

 

by niteowl
6-10-05

 

by niteowl
6-11-05
It was dark and smelly. I tried to wiggle my way out but something was blocking the way.
Then he farted and his buttplug shot out of his ass like a rocket and I escaped.
Ahhh, so that's how you got in here!
Yeah. Any other pantsless teachers with weird fetishes here? I'm bored.

 

by niteowl
6-11-05
Today is my 4 year anniversary at Stripcreator.
Cool. Now if only you could remember our anniversaries, everything would be peachy keen.
Honey, I don't think it's necessary to remember the anniversary of the first time we went to the grocery store together.
Fine, I ask you this.. Do you remember the exact date of when we had sex for the first time?
Damnit woman, I was drunk!
You sure performed like it too. I've never seen a man stagger while doing it doggie style.

 

by niteowl
6-13-05
Why is it that Hugh Grant had to get his knob polished by a hooker when he had Elizabeth Hurley?
And why is it that in every movie he does, Hugh Grant is dressed in a suit, with tie off and collar unbuttoned?
Why the fuck am I watching Hugh Grant's movies?

 

You're glowing. You must've just had sex.
Yep. Too bad she was radioactive.
by niteowl, 6-15-05

 

...AND THEN I'M GONNA GO PICK A COCONUT AND THEN I'M GONNA TAKE A PISS ON THAT PALM TREE AND THEN I'M GONNA PASS OUT FROM ALL THIS SCREAMING! YEAAAGGGGHHHH!
by niteowl, 6-15-05

 

Republicans respond to the autopsy report on Terri Schiavo: "STOP ACTIVIST MEDICAL EXAMINERS!"
by niteowl, 6-15-05

 

Hello. I'm a bear and directly behind me is the woods.
by niteowl, 6-16-05

 

by niteowl
6-17-05
Greetings, fellow lifeform from a planet light years away. What brings you to Earth?
Just vacationing with the wife and kids. Why are you here?
My leaders sent me. I'm scouting the planet to see whether it's worth taking over or not. I'm thinking no.
Good call. This is the worst vacation we've ever been on.
I hear ya. Can you believe the TV shows they have here? Ugh, awful!
And that music they listen to...Yuck!

 

by niteowl
6-17-05
...this is our newest weapon, it has three settings. Stun, zap, and deep fry.
Very nice. Mine can blast a 3 foot deep crater in the ground. Pretty handy when dealing with the traffic jams here.
Let's not point our weapons at each other again, agreed?
Concurred.

 

by niteowl
6-17-05
What do you think of the human females here?
Oh no, don't tell me that you want to pick up one of them...
Well, it gets lonely in that ship.
I mean, last month's issue of Playalien was good but I'd like something real, you know?
True. Did you see the Sexy Female Lifeforms Next Door spread in the March issue though? One chick had 6 nipples!

 

by niteowl
6-17-05
So where's the wife and kids?
They went shopping.
Hopefully they'll get something for you...
I doubt it. I need an upgrade for my gun, but they don't have it here. The weapons on this planet are so pathetic.
No kidding. A pistol that shoots one tiny little hunk of metal at a time? Puhleeze!
That must be why the males here are so angry. I know I'd be if I had to use that weak-ass junk all the time.

 

by niteowl
6-17-05
Hey, wanna take a walk into the city and scare some human lifeforms?
Sure! That is by far the best part of coming to Earth.
Ever wonder why they freak out so bad when they see lifeforms like us?
Well, look at the behavior they exhibit towards their fellow humans. They all hate each other! I think that says a lot about how screwed up their tiny human brains are.
Ever seen that internet thing they use?
Oh yes. It's like an electro-magnetic propulsion saucer wreck.

 

by niteowl
6-17-05
So, want to split up and scare double the amount of human lifeforms?
You got it.
Where do you want to meet after we get bored of this?
Let's meet up at that Starbucks over there.
Good idea! At Starbucks, we can stage our grand finale.
Yep. Caffeine filled humans are the most fun to scare...they are so jumpy.

 

by niteowl
6-17-05
...and so Tommy was licking my-OH MY GOD! THERE'S A BIG UGLY CREATURE BEHIND YOU!
Who? Michael Jackson? OH SHIT!
AAAAGH!
Hello!
THE TERRORISTS ARE HERE! WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE! RUN CINDY, RUN!!
Terrorist? HEY BITCH, I'M A LIFEFORM FROM ANOTHER PLANET! THERE IS A DIFFERENCE, YOU KNOW!

 

by niteowl
6-17-05
Pardon me sir, do you have any Grey Poupon?
OH NO! TERRORISTS!
Sigh. They really like that joke back on planet Voltar.

 

by niteowl
6-17-05
TERRORISTS! AAAAGH!
What the hell? What is with you humans and terrorists all of a sudden?
HELP! HELP!
It's like aliens don't even register on a human's fear meter anymore.
Fuck. I've lost my mojo.

 

by niteowl
6-17-05
MOMMY! MOMMY! TERRORIST!
Grrr.
Come back here and look at me now! Now THIS is a TERRORIST! See my turban, you little shit?

 

by niteowl
6-17-05
Hey dude, how did it go?
It was strange. I mean, I scared a lot of humans, but they all kept calling me a terrorist!
The same exact thing happened to me! What the hell happened to these silly humans?
I think they've been brainwashed into thinking everyone who isn't normal looking is a terrorist.
I never even got the chance to point my raygun at 'em. I'm so disappointed.
I got to once, but it was weird. All I heard from the toddler as it was crawling away was, "WMD! WMD!" What the heck is "WMD"?

 

by niteowl
6-17-05
Well, I've had enough. I'm heading back home.
Me too. Gonna go round up the wife and kids and get the hell off this fucked up planet.
You know, since we are in New York we should take something down on the way out.
Like what?
MTV's studio?
YES!

 

All over the internet, people have been asking one question: What the hell is with Hilary Duff and that new set of choppers?
by niteowl, 6-17-05

 

Last night I tried to jerk off...but since I'm such a loser, my hand rejected the merchandise.
by niteowl, 6-20-05

 

by niteowl
6-22-05
Welcome to the Church of Bad Religion. How can I help you, my son?
I'm looking for a copy of the new Testament.
This isn't a ministry. Faith, No More.
Are the Sisters Of Mercy here then?
Son, you have mistaken this for a real church. We are a Cult. Blue Oyster Cult, to be exact.
Can I get a Godsmack at least?

 

by niteowl
6-23-05
Ahhh, so that's how you got in here!
Is Inky still chasing me?

 

by niteowl
6-24-05
With all the steroid talk going around, I wonder how many homers Hank Aaron would hit in a season if he played today.
I'd say 10, maybe 15.
That's all?
Well, he is 71 years old now.

 

by niteowl
6-24-05
God, I heard that PBS won't getting as much money for programming, so does that mean that they're gonna cancel Sesame Street?
It's possible, Susie.
Don't these people realize that some of the programs on PBS are very educational?
Well, some people in this country have an agenda. It's complicated.
I just hope they don't start showing Bud Light commercials in between Barney and Clifford.
Shit. Gotta go, kid. President Bush is calling me. AGAIN.

 

Go away, man. I'm on vacation.
by niteowl, 6-26-05

Showing page 23.

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