All comics by umfumdisi

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by umfumdisi
2-06-07
Doctor John interviews a female OB/GYN...
Our most common examination instrument is the speculum.
I have a speculum here. It sort of "opens up" things.
That's right. We insert the speculum into the vagina so we can get a better look at the cervix.
And what does the cervix look like?
It sort of looks like a little doughnut.
A Dunkin Doughnut!?!

 

As you can see by this graph, Chim Chim Chiree is up 52% while Faggery Daggery Doo is down nearly 24% from last quarter.
by umfumdisi, 2-06-07

 

by umfumdisi
2-06-07
At the NFL offices, months ago...
Hello Prince, thanks for coming today. To get to the point, we want you to play at halftime at the Super Bowl. What will it take?
Well, I would just have one small request.
Name it.
Make me taller!

 

by umfumdisi
2-08-07
Yeah?
Zombie-Gram!
Cool! Who's it from?
MUNCH! It's from your Grandma.
OWWWWWW! Fuck you, Grandma!
She also says, "Cut your hair and wipe off that damn clown makeup."

 

by umfumdisi
2-08-07
Dear Occupant, It has come to our attention that you suck. Regards, Management

 

by umfumdisi
2-10-07
Who's there?
ZOMBIE-GRAM
Wow! Who's it from?
MUNCH!
Edvard?
I HAVE NO MOUTH AND I MUST SCREAM.

 

Like, what's up, Freddie?
Velma, Daphne and I are gonna go make out in the van while you and Faggery Daggery Doo search the rest of this haunted office building for the infamous ... Choadwarrior.
by umfumdisi, 2-10-07

 

by umfumdisi
2-13-07
I'm back from work, Ed. How was your day?
Great! I emptied out all the cabinets, cleaned them, measured them, replaced the lining in each one and finally, put everything back in alphabetical order!
Uh, did you feed the baby?

 
by umfumdisi, 2-13-07

 

by umfumdisi
2-13-07
So I understand your people are altering their religious beliefs?
Aye, but we still believe in pacificism.
But there are other changes planned. For example, you're allowing yourself to be filmed.
Truly, and from now on all our men are to take up the electric guitar and marry only foreign women who will then be blamed for breaking up the faith.
So you'll no longer be known as Mennonites?
Nay, we're now Lennonites.

 

by umfumdisi
2-13-07
Good morning.
Hi. I'm, uh, here about the, erm, sales job.
Do you have any previous sales experience?
Yeah, I ...
Is the cross making you nervous?
That's part of it.

 

We only have two patients!?!
We might have more if you'd stop fitting everyone for monocles and eyepatches!
by umfumdisi, 2-15-07

 

by umfumdisi
2-15-07
What's wrong?
Your cunt don't smell like shrimp-fried rice!
I'm using these new feminine hygiene products for freshness and "atoning for extreme and delicate beauty while still being highly edible."
Nice ... what are they called?
Supercalifragilisticexpialidouches.

 

by umfumdisi
2-17-07
I can't believe your girlfriend killed herself.
I know. And she burned all her possessions first. I didn't think I'd have anything to remember her by.
You "didn't think?" What did you do?
I drained as much bodily fluid from her as I could and poured it into a half empty gallon of apple juice.
So that's not beer you're drinking?
Nope. Suicider.

 

by umfumdisi
2-22-07
I'm here live at the accident scene where eyewitnesses say Tom Cruise was rear-ended by Michael Clarke Duncan.
The same witnesses say they haven't seen Cruise that excited in a good 2-3 days, tops.
Of course, the vehicles were soon removed and traffic flow restored thanks to the fine folks at Natalie Portmantow Truck Service.

 

by umfumdisi
2-22-07
I'm back from work, Ed. How was your day?
Great! I emptied out all the cabinets, cleaned them, measured them, replaced the lining in each one and finally, put everything back in alphabetical order!
Uh, did you feed the baby?
36 times!

 

by umfumdisi
3-07-07
~\ "You...light up my life, you give me hope, to carry on... you light up my days... and fill my nights with... sooooooooong!" /~
Yo, yo, yo, Jesus, dog. It was a little pitchy, yo. But you pulled it off, dog!
You know what I love about you, Jesus? That hair! I just, I want to eat it!
Insipid. Boring. Predictable. Son of God? Hardly.

 

by umfumdisi
3-07-07
Good morning, Phil.
Ah, Jesus, glad I caught you. Don't forget it's your turn to bring refreshments to the board meeting.
Every day is a "board meeting" for me!
Er, uh, yeah. Ha, um, ha-ha! ...So I assume you'll be bringing "the usual?"
Yep, grape juice and oyster crackers!

 

by umfumdisi
3-16-07
I was considering playing my guitar for you all tonight, but I took some Percocets and now I can't feel my fingers.
I'll just do a bit of dicking around instead. How about a limerick, then?
There once was a cunt from St. Barts, well-versed in the vaginal arts. She proclaimed, "Cunnilingus, I prefer over dingus," and proceeded to lick her girl parts!

 

by umfumdisi
3-16-07
How are your NCAA Tournament picks doing?
Pretty well so far... Perfect, actually.
You suck, Jesus.

 

by umfumdisi
3-29-07
I know you're a bit behind on your monthly reports, but in business, we each have our own
... uh ...
"cross to bear?"
Take your time...

 

by umfumdisi
3-29-07
"Happy Birthday to ... ME! Happy Birthday to ... ME!"
Here, Jesus, I got you a little something.
Cool! Another portrait of myself on black velvet! Thanks, Karen.
Did you happen to get me anything?
Yes ... ETERNAL SALVATION!!

 

by umfumdisi
3-29-07
STEEE-RIKE ONE!
STEEE-RIKE TWO!
STEEE-RIKE THREE! YER OUT!
Out, Hell! That last one was at my ankles.

 

by umfumdisi
3-29-07
Did you hear about that guy in Superior, Wisconsin? He was found guilty of killing a horse ...
So he could have sex with it.
Where you going?
Wisconsin.

 

by umfumdisi
3-29-07
First off, thanks for making me feel comfortable by not dressing up.
No problem, Chief.
Did you just call me "Chief?"
Honcho?
Hold on ... I'm getting a psychic emanation from HR ... Sorry, the position has just been filled.
And things were going so well. Damn.

 

by umfumdisi
3-29-07
You hadn't made any comics or comments in two weeks. What was up?
Three words:
Wal-Mart Oil Change

 

by umfumdisi
3-30-07
Who are you?
I paid for a hooker the other night and brought her to my house for a bath.
Are you talking to me?
At first she thought the bathtub was filled with tomato juice.
Where the hell is Gene?
Until she drank some. Turned out to be a type o' negative evening.

 

"Japanese Police Probe Decomposing Bodies"
Want Marlboro for smoke?
by umfumdisi, 4-04-07

 

by umfumdisi
4-04-07
Famed film director Bob Clark died today at the age of 67. Clark directed the classics Porky's and A Christmas Story.
Unfortunately, Clark also directed ludicrous shit like Rhinestone, Loose Cannons and Baby Geniuses.
Clark will and won't be missed.

 

by umfumdisi
4-08-07
I brought in my semen sample for the doc to check out. You know, to make sure the vasetomy took.
Thanks, he'll take a look at it and give you a call. The sample is --
Clean? Yeah, don't worry. It's 100% hand-churned

 
by umfumdisi, 4-08-07

 

by umfumdisi
4-08-07
I'm glad you asked me out. I'm having a great time. I know office romances don't always work out, but we'll see how it goes.
Actually, I was sitting here alone, and you just sat down.
I mean, I usually have this strict policy about not going out with coworkers, but I think I can make an exception in your case.
Father, call me home ... again!
You are soooooooo funny! You know what else I like about you?
I can't walk away from your inane prattling?

 

by umfumdisi
4-08-07
Here's my semen sample.
Thanks.
GULP!
No sperm!

 

by umfumdisi
4-08-07
I'd like the #12 combo. Make it a large.
Sure.
And instead of fries I want onion rings. And instead of the burger, I'd like three taco supremos...
Okay...
And instead of the soda, I'd like you to piss in my mouth.

 

by umfumdisi
4-10-07
From the makers of HEAD-ON! headache remedy comes our new weight loss product, it's...
ASS-OFF! Just rub it on your asssss! ASS-OFF! Just rub it on your asssss!
ASS-OFF! Just rub it on your asssss! ASS-OFF! Just rub it on your asssss!

 

by umfumdisi
4-12-07
Helios here, I'd like to file a claim on a lost chariot.
What happened?
My son, Paheton, took it when I wasn't looking...
Wait. Aren't you Helios, the All-Seeing?
Yes.
*Click*

 

by umfumdisi
4-20-07
Okay, Ted, you're up for team Expressive Aphasia. Name a popular breed of dog.
Three seconds...
X
Sorry, time's up!

 

by umfumdisi
4-20-07
Well, Sherry, there's at least one good thing about the Virginia Tech Massacre.
Yes, Terry, the Anna Nicole saga has been bumped from the headlines.
Another piece of good news for Va Tech -- none of their star athletes were killed or injured.
Of course, that's mostly because athletes don't go to class.

 

by umfumdisi
4-20-07
Ah, the infamous "office basement." Wonder what goes on down here...

 

by umfumdisi
4-20-07
Mr. Christ, your 9:30 is here.
Great, send him in.
Certainly, sir.
And Gladys? Just call me Mr. Jesus.
Yes ... sir.

 

by umfumdisi
4-20-07
I didn't think you'd show up, Judas.
I wouldn't have missed this appointment for anything.
What's up with the helmet?
You know what's up with it! Having spent so much time in Hell, I can no longer breath "normal" Earth air.
And yet you'd sell me out all over again, wouldn't you?
Like I had a choice.

 

by umfumdisi
4-20-07
Well, let's get to it, Judas. Why are you here?
I need a job.
What possible type of business experience could you have?
Collections.

 

by umfumdisi
4-20-07
Okay, Judas, here's your cubicle.
Hmph. It's slightly worse than the one I had in Hell.
You'll be responsible for calling up our deadbeat clients and arranging a way for them to make payments on their outstanding accounts.
Great. And how much will I be getting paid?
30 pieces of silver, bitch!
Yeah, I walked right into that one.

 

by umfumdisi
4-24-07
As you can see, sales of our Hot Pockets have reached a plateau.
So? It's an established brand people love.
Yes, people love Hot Pockets now, but they aren't loving them MORE!
So we introduce some new flavors...
That's no good...we already have 258 flavors.
Where the hell did your hand go?

 

by umfumdisi
4-24-07
Any other ideas?
Lessee... Hot Pockets are basically calzones, right?
Yeah, so?
We change the basic shape to look more like a calzone, add some herb sprinkles on top, and, get this, we stuff them with the same old shit and call them Hot Pocket Calzones.
You...are...a... fucking...genius!
Don't thank me, thank all the dumbasses out there.

 
by umfumdisi, 5-02-07

 

by umfumdisi
5-02-07
"We're here collecting donations for Doogie Howser, MD Memorial Hospital," they explained as they broke down my apartment door.
At first I thought it was a couple of college guys playing a practical joke, so I played along.
"Christ guys," I said, "Who has any money these days? Certainly not me."
That's when the second one replied, "Oh, we're not here for money," and started massaging my kidneys.
Yet I was nonplussed because those rough, calloused hands on my kidneys reminded me of the summer I spent house-sitting
for Floyd Ramis, the lesser-known but still rich and powerful brother of Harold Ramis.

 

by umfumdisi
5-02-07
Anyway, Floyd Ramis (no relation to Kurt Rambis) had hired a Puerto Rican pool boy named Rincon.
Rincon would come by once a week to clean the Olympic-sized pool Floyd had installed in back of the manse.
After a month of flirting, I came straight out and asked Rincon if he would like a backrub.
"Yes, please," was Rincon's earnest reply. While I massaged, Rincon told me of his regular job as a brickmason.
I was vaguely excited by the thought of strong, rough brickmason hands rubbing my shoulders, so I asked Rincon to return the favor after I'd finished up with him.
Rincon's bright eyes gleamed and he laughed, saying, "Of course, my new friend. Remove your shirt."

 

by umfumdisi
5-02-07
Oh, Rincon's laugh melted my heart. It's mirthful tunes sounded like the clinking of ice in a cold, tall glass tumbler filled with Mohito.
Yet after I removed my shirt and felt Rincon's hands upon my quivering shoulders, something was wrong.
"Rincon," I accused, "You have been toying with me. Your hands are not those of a brickmason. They are smooth as fluffernutter sandwiches!"
Rincon paused. His grip weakened as did the barrier between us.
"I will share my secret with you and you only," Rincon whispered into my ear,
"When I lay bricks, I wear gloves."

 

by umfumdisi
5-02-07
I heard your sister puts out for anybody.
Yeah, that's why we always have to park next to her.
Damn, there's my lame-ass brother again. Put your dick back in your pants.
That's just my le -- nevermind.
Am I Thelma or Louise?

Showing page 23.

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