All comics by biped

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by biped
8-30-05
Uh, I wouldn't go in there right now if I were you, kid. Those leaking gas fumes are highly --
SHUT UP!!!
Normally, I would've felt really bad about this. But lately...well, the little bastard deserved it.
SHUT UP!!!

 

by biped
8-31-05
This is the best blow job EVER! I wish it would never end!
GLORP!!!
Sorry, ma'am...I don't really have five dollars.
You BASTARD!

 

by biped
8-31-05
...and finally, we'd like to thank our live audience for making the last episode of "The Buddy Fucker Show" such a golden memory for us. Right, Buddy?
FUCKITY DOO-DAH!
And, on a personal note -- Buddy, it's been a real pleasure, and a genuine learning experience, playing your mischievous daughter for these past fifteen years.
WHOO-HOO! I'M WHIZZIN' IN M' PANTS!
My only regret is that your terrible auto accident, and the resulting catastrophic brain damage, has forced you to end our wonderful show prematurely.
OOPS, HERE COME DE FUDGE! *FRRRRT!*

 

by biped
9-01-05
OHHH, PICKLE THE SUN!!! TICKLE A FAIRY!!! PICK UP A GUN!!! LICK THE MOON, LARRY!!!
LICK-A DA MOOOON, LARRY!!!
I FREIGHTED A GOON!!! SO LICK THE MOON, LARRY!!! I'LL BE A DUCK SOON!!! BUT YOUR LIZARDS ARE SCARY!!!
LICK-A DA MOOOON, LARRY!!!
IF I HAD A WIENER, I'D SHAKE IT AT YOU!!! I'D PEE IN YOUR HAT, AND BOMBARD YOU WITH POO!!!
YODEL-AY-DEE-HOOOOO!!! LICK-A DA MOOOON, LARRY!!!

 

by biped
9-03-05
WOO-HOOO! Looks like my virginity is FINALLY about to come to an end! Oh boy, oh boy ohboyohboyoh --
Please place your dick alongside the graph to your left. If it doesn't reach the line, you don't get to ride.
Huh? But -- that's not fair -- first I don't get to ride the rolly-coaster at Knott's Berry Farm, and now --
KNOTT'S BERRY FARM? WHAT DO I LOOK LIKE TO YOU, A FUCKING ROLLY-COASTER? GET OUT! GET OUT!!!
Well? Am I tall enough yet?
No! GET OUT!!!

 

by biped
9-03-05
Well, shithead? How does it feel to be the youngest fuckwad ever to be fried in the electric chair in this state?
B-but I'm innocent... *sniff*...I don't want to die...I want my m-mommy...
HAW HAW!!! HEY, D'JA HEAR THAT, EVERYBODY? BABY WANTS HIS MOMMY!!! HAW HAW HAW!!!
B-B-B... BWAAAAAA-HAAAAAA-HAAAAAAA!!!
(chuckle) "Baby wants his mommy..." (titter) Sorry, I -- (giggle) -- I can't help it, my child...it just struck me in a funny way...(snurk)
(Grrrr! I slaughter twelve fucking priests, and somehow I miss THIS fucker...)

 

by biped
9-05-05
Jeez, you must have a huge bladder.

 

by biped
9-05-05
I'm sorry, Sally -- mission specialist O'Miller just spontaneously devolved. Well, back to you.

 

by biped
9-05-05
okay, in order to spy on Don Vincenzo and his Sicilian murder squad, we'll have to look inconspicuous
here's the restaurant where the meeting is being held -- time to don our disguises and go in
let's start over

 

by biped
9-07-05
Vinter, bästa tiden på året.
Hejsan Snögubbe vill du ha en bulle?
Bullar? Är du dum eller? Snögubbar kan inte äta!
LURAD! Inte fan ska du få en bulle inte!
Meanwhile...
Mommy, I fed you a bunch of dog shit last night while you were asleep, and you ate all of it.
Why, you fucking BITCH!

 

by biped
9-07-05
I, Varg Vikernes, of church burning, murderous, black metal fame, am the most EVIL of all!
No way! I Nergal, Sumerian god of plague, am the most EVIL of all!!!
Hey boys. I'm Paris Hilton.
No, you're not! You're our MOMMY!
Our EVIL mommy!

 

by biped
9-07-05
HITLER'S ASS?
That's right, son. Hitler gave your father a blow job, and nine months later he shit a beautiful baby boy. And here you are.

 

by biped
9-10-05
I am "Hoppy" Gillespie.
I am Edna Feck.
I am Officer Edward "Ted" Turtlebite.
I'm Ol' Prospector Dan!
I am "Hoppy" Gillespie's twin brother, "Sloppy" Gillespie.
I am Ricardo Montalban, Jr.

 

by biped
9-11-05
"Menopause"... "menstruation"... ever notice how women's problems all start with "men"?
HAW HAW HAW!!! SNORT!!!
Don't forget -- due to your advanced age, you're also "mentally ill."

 

by biped
9-12-05
Hmm...I can checkmate Mr. Neutron in my next move. Should I? Ahh, what the heck. I'm sure he won't mind.
Moh!

 

by biped
9-12-05
Vinter, bästa tiden på året.
Hejsan Snögubbe vill du ha en bulle?
Bullar? Är du dum eller? Snögubbar kan inte äta!
LURAD! Inte fan ska du få en bulle inte!
DUUUDE! What the hell was THAT frickin' shit all about?
WHOA! Like, we were just TOTALLY talking SPANISH or something!

 

by biped
9-12-05
When I grow up, I'm going to marry YOU, Mommy!
AWW! Heh-heh! Isn't that cute?
20 years later...
Well, Mom...it's time. Let's get married.
Huh?

 

by biped
9-14-05
I'm going to the movies to see "The Clown vs. Santa Claus Staring Contest"!
Oh, boy! I wanna see it too! Let's go!

 

by biped
9-15-05
I just murdered my grandparents --
I'M DRIVING THIS COMPUTER DOWN THE SIDEWALK! BEEP-BEEP!
NO! NO! PLEASE DON'T RUN OVER ME, ROSS!
DIE LIKE A HAMSTER, DEAN! VENGEANCE FOR NAH-NAH AND PAW-PAW!
You BASTARD, you almost KILLED me!
And I WOULD have, too, if my computer hadn't crashed!

 

by biped
9-15-05
Hey, Ross! I just completed my collection of pictures of famous athletes' b --
I'M DRIVING MY COMPUTER DOWN THE SIDEWALK! BEEP-BEEP!
NO! NO! PLEASE DON'T RUN OVER ME, ROSS!
DIE LIKE A HAMSTER, DEAN! THEN MY COLLECTION OF PICTURES OF FAMOUS ATHLETES' BUTTHOLES WILL BE THE BEST!
You BASTARD, you almost KILLED me!
FINAL OFFER, Dean -- I'll trade you a MINT CONDITION MIKE TYSON for a CIRCA-1996 KERRI STRUG!

 

by biped
9-15-05
BEEP-BEEP! GET OUTTA THE WAY, OLD LADY!
RUN 'ER DOWN, DEAN! WE'LL START COLLECTING DEAD OLD LADIES!
TAKING A DETOUR THROUGH THIS OLD FOLKS' HOME WAS A GREAT IDEA, ROSS!
WHAT AN IMPRESSIVE TRAIL OF CORPSES WE'RE LEAVING, DEAN! WE'RE THE GREATEST COLLECTORS EVER!
WHA -- OH, MAN! LOOK! KINDERGARTEN JUST LET OUT!
DEAD OLD LADY COLLECTION COMPLETE! NOW SHIFTING FOCUS TO PRE-SCHOOLERS! KILL! KILL! KILL!

 

by biped
9-15-05
The future of Dean and Ross.
Ross, Optimus Prime doesn't care about organic people --
Hey, remember when we used to collect pictures of famous athletes' buttholes?
Ha ha, yeah. I just sold mine to a Japanese collector for a million dollars.
Oh. My, uh...my mom threw mine out. Heh.
Got any heroin?

 

by biped
9-17-05
Hello, little girl. My name is I. P. Meatballs, and --
HAA-HAA!!! YOU PEE MEATBALLS!!!
NYAH. NYAH. NYAH-NYAAAH NYAH! YOOOU PEEEEE MEEEAT-BAAALLS!!! NYAH NYAH --
Please...leave me alone...(choke)
My god -- how in the world did that little girl know that I pee meatballs?

 

by biped
9-17-05
I'll need your name, sir.
Yes, of course...I. P. Meatballs.
Sir, the Utah State Department of Motor Vehicles is NOT interested in the fact that you pee meatballs.
WHA--WHO IN GOD'S NAME TOLD YOU? HOW COME EVERYONE KNOWS MY SHAMEFUL SECRET?
I PEE MEATBALLS!!! EVERYONE MIGHT AS WELL KNOW IT!!! I PEE MEATBALLS!!! I PEE MEATBALLS!!!
Hey, I crap linguini! Let's do lunch!

 

by biped
9-17-05
Thank you, doctor, for telling me that it's my name, I. P. Meatballs, that is causing the problem.
Think nothing of it, Mr. Meatballs. All you have to do is change your name, and voila! -- problem solved.
You're parked in a "no-parking" zone, sir. I'm afraid I'll have to give you a ticket. Your name?
U. P. Meatballs, officer. And I'll gladly repeat that just for the record -- U. P. Meatballs.
I don't know how in the hell you found out that I pee meatballs, you bastard, but you'll be sorry. God help me, you'll be sorry.
Err...the "U" stands for "Ulysses..."

 

by biped
9-17-05
Oh, Ulysses Proust...my darling...
Oh, Ignacia Pauline...my sweetest...
I can't wait another minute, U. P.! Let's get married right away!
Yes, yes, I. P.! And to prove my devotion, I'm taking YOUR last name!
And do you, Ulysses Proust Meatballs...take this woman, Ignacia Pauline Freely...

 

by biped
9-18-05
I am the Grim Reaper. I've come for you, Clippy.
(Oh, shit!) Uhh...I'm not Clippy! I'm CLAPPY!
Right...Clippy and Clappy both die today. Work-related mishap... very sad.
Wait...did I say CLAPPY? CLAPPY'S my PAPPY! I'm... uh...CRAPPY!
It was then i knew i needed help

 

by biped
9-18-05
THE LIVING DOG BOWL IS COMING!!!
NO!!! NO!!! NOT THE LIVING DOG BOWL!!!
RUN!!! RUN!!!
I'LL DRIVE MY COMPUTER AWAY FROM HERE!!! BEEP-BEEP!!! EVERYBODY OUT OF THE WAY!!!
OUTTA THE WAY, YOU FUCKIN' ASSHOLE!!! OH, FATE HELP ME!!!
"Fuckin' asshole"? Hey, fuck YOU -- ASSHOLE!!!

 

by biped
9-18-05
FUCK!!! MY COMPUTER DESK JUST SPLIT IN HALF!!!
*skkrrttt!* (HELP ME, DANNY!)
"HELP"? GO FUCK YOURSELF, YOU FUCKING CHEAP-ASS COMPUTER!!! I HATE -- SHIT, FUCK, PISS!!! -- GRRRRR!!!
*skkrrttt!* (OH, DANNY...SOB!!!)
MOM!!! WHY THE FUCK DID YOU HAVE TO BUY ME SUCH A STOOPID COMPUTER!!! YOU FUCKIN' ASSHOLE!!!
WHY YOU LITTLE FUCKHEAD!!! GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE BATHROOM -- MOMMY HAS TO TAKE A BIG-ASS SHIT!!!

 

by biped
9-18-05
OW!!! HEY DOCTOR, MY FUCKIN' ASSHOLE HURTS!!!
"Asshole"? Why, DANNY! You should use nicer words for things -- like "anus" or "sphincter"!
Who are they? Your fucking kids?
Wha -- DANNY! GET THE HELL OUT OF MY OFFICE! NOW!
I HAD TO GO TO A FUCKING BACK-ALLEY PROCTOLOGIST TODAY BECAUSE THAT FUCKING --
SSHHH! The "Anus 'n' Sphincter" show is on!

 

by biped
9-19-05
Travis, I wish you wouldn't borrow my clothes while you're visiting for the weekend.
Hey, bro -- it was YOUR dog that pissed in my suitcase, remember?
Excuse me...I'm very troubled... would you please hear my confession?
Huh? Sure!
WHOA!!! You SUCKED his COCK? On a fucking FERRIS WHEEL? AWESOME!!!

 

by biped
9-19-05
Hi! I'm Captain Chip's twin brother, LUSCIOUS MAN!
"Luscious Man"?
That's right, you fucking old bag! I'm so sexy, the bad guys turn instantly gay, fall in love with me, and give up! Then, I allow them to SUCK MY COCK!
Well, if that isn't just the silliest thing I ever heard --
Hey, FUCK YOU -- BITCH!!!
"Luscious Man", my ASS! More like "FULLA SHIT MAN" if you ask me!

 

by biped
9-19-05
Mommy, I love Fabio's huge manboobs.
Oh my god, no!!! NO!!! MY BABY!!!
Dr. Feldfahrten, my Sally just told me -- (CHOKE!) -- that she love's F-Fabio's h-huge -- (GAG!) -- "MANBOOBS"!!! (GURGLE!)
Well! The only treatment for this is an old one -- dunking in the public square and confinement in the stocks for a week.
A week later...
Mommy, I...I don't love Fabio's huge manboobs anymore...
THANK YOU, PURITANS!!!

 

by biped
9-22-05
...so I said, "No, fuck YOU, asshole!" Ha-ha! Ha-ha, ha haha hahaha! Ha! Hey, I gotta take a shit! You mind?
Of course not. Go right ahead.

 

by biped
9-22-05
I can't believe I got up the nerve to talk to her! And she was fascinated! She couldn't take her eyes off me!
Holy shit, she's still looking at me! And she's talking about me to her girlfriend! Oh man, I've got it made in the --
Your fly's open, and one of your nuts is hanging out.

 

by biped
9-22-05
You know...time is like a gentle river out here on the prairie... flowing seamlessly from one day to the next. I can hardly tell one moment from another.
Yeah.
Well, don't bogart that joint.

 

by biped
9-22-05
Well, here we are... in the fabled Land Of The Dead!
My, oh my! Just look at all the dead folks!
DEAD PEOPLE EVERYWHERE! PILES AND PILES OF 'EM! ROT! STENCH! DECAY!
CORPSES, CORPSES, CORPSES!
We'll build a little house...right over there, by that stream.
Ooh, can I tend the corpses, Santa? Can I, huh? Can I-can I-can I?

 

by biped
9-22-05
Walking among the dead! Just breathe in that death! SUUUUUUUCK!
I feel healthier already, Santa! Such a nice walk among the deads!
"Deads"?
Sometimes I call dead people "the deads"! It's my pet name for them!
Walking among "the deads"! Heh-heh! I like it!
OH, SANTA! THESE DEADS ARE SO DEAD, THEY'RE SUPER-DEADS!

 

by biped
9-22-05
Well, it's time for us to die...and join the dead.
Oh, boy! We get to be dead, too! Can we be SUPER-DEAD, Santa?
HO-HO-HO! Well, I don't know! I suppose it depends on how dead we get after we die!
I want to be the deadest dead person EVER! And that'll be my pile, right over there! See?
Already picked out a pile, eh? Hope you save some room for ME!
Oh, Santa, don't be silly! You know I want MY corpse to rot next to YOURS!

 

by biped
9-22-05
Well...goodbye!
'Bye, Santa!
...Santa?

 

by biped
9-24-05
That's IT! I'm going 40 days without jerkin' my yerkin. Starting NOW!!!
You'll never make it...you'll miss me... just think of all lovely things that only I can show you...
Shut up!
Mmm...naked humans...engaging in perverse acts of bestiality...nng... Wendy Whoppers' huge udders...fat chicks...drool...
Baseball..Ernest Borgnine... aluminum siding... Wyatt Earp...
JERK IT! JERK THAT SMOKEWAGON!

 

by biped
9-24-05
That's IT! I'm going 40 days without jerkin' my yerkin. Starting NOW!!!
Popping out of hyper-space over the planet Poledancia, Captain Brad! Empress Bouncyboobs and her Super-Slutty Stripper Brigade await contact!
Are you playing "pocket pool", sir?

 

by biped
9-24-05
That's IT! I'm going 40 days without jerkin' my yerkin. Starting NOW!!!
GAH!!! I JUST GOT MY FUCKING ARM CUT OFF!!! GAAAAAAAA!!!
Did you hear me? No jerkin' my yerkin WHATSOEVER!!! For 40 WHOLE DAYS!!!
FUCK!!! OH MY GOD!!! MY ARM -- MY FUCKING ARM!!! GYAAAAAAAAA!!!
40 days -- why, my poor PENIS will think my ARM'S been cut off!!!
GUH -- MY JERKING HAND!!! OH MY GOD, MY JERKING HAND!!! YAAAAAA-HAAAH-HAAAAAAAAA!!!

 

by biped
9-25-05
KILL!!! KILL!!! KILL!!!
Bobby, did you kill your daily quota of innocent victims today?
Well, CHUH! I murdered FIFTY PEOPLE in COLD BLOOD today!
FIFTY? Is THAT ALL? GO TO YOUR ROOM!
That crazy kid -- I could just KILL him. KILL!!! KILL!!! KILL!!!
I'll fucking KILL her one of these days -- I fucking SWEAR it! KILL!!! KILL!!! KILL!!!

 

by biped
9-25-05
FAMILY FIELD TRIP, everybody! I want you all LOCKED AND LOADED in TEN MINUTES!
Oh, how WONDERFUL, Bill! I've been DYING to try out some new murder weapons!
Bet I kill more people than YOU today, Sis!
Huh-UHH! Daddy taught me how to use the FLAME-THROWER!
Flamethrower? Hey, NO FAIR, Dad!
Now, Bobby -- didn't I teach you how to use the chainsaw AND the big drill?

 

by biped
9-25-05
NO!!! NO!!! I DON'T WANT TO DIE!!!
Well, you should've thought about THAT before you LOOKED at me -- BITCH! COME BACK HERE!
Oh, my -- look at that lovely arterial spray pattern. I feel like a regular Jackson Pollock!
*gurgle*
My VICTIM HEAP is TALLER THAN YOURS, Sis!
That's just 'cause MINE'S got more MIDGET and LITTLE KID CORPSES in it!

 

by biped
9-25-05
That's right, Sally -- incinerate them all, just like Daddy taught you. Oh, I'm so proud.
I wish we had time to kill them all individually...but, just listen! Their combined shrieks of agony are like a beautiful symphony!
BEST DEATH TOLL EVER!!! Hey, Dad! What are we gonna do NEXT weekend?
Kids -- we're going to DISNEYLAND!
A week later...
COME BACK HERE AND DIE, YOU GOOFY BASTARD!!!
HELP!!! HEEELLLPPP!!!

 

by biped
9-25-05
EVERYONE IN DISNEYLAND was BRUTALLY MURDERED! And the bloodthirsty killers are reportedly headed THIS WAY --
NEWSFLASH, Chet! I'm about to SAW YOUR HEAD OFF!
...and I did. Which brought my kill total for the day to 800. Oh, wait...I forgot about that orphanage. Make that 1,000.
Goodness, Edna. That certainly was a lively confession.
Bobby, SEVERED HUMAN HEADS are hardly a proper "show-and-tell" subject.
Wait'll I get my drumsticks! I can play "The William Tell Overture" on 'em!

 

by biped
9-26-05
That's IT! I'm going 40 days without jerkin' my yerkin. Starting NOW!!!
Would you jerk MY yerkin instead?
Well...I'm not really sure I'd feel comfortable jerkin' a chicken yerkin.
Chicken yerkins are FUN to jerk! It's like a "first-person shooter" video game!
It is?
Sure! I'll sit in your lap and you can try to splooge Nick and Jessica!

 

by biped
9-26-05
That's IT! I'm going 40 days without jerkin' my yerkin. Starting NOW!!!
Now, don't be too hasty, Jim -- that swelling WILL go down eventually.
But it's so TENDER (sob)...it hurts just to TOUCH it...
I'll use the mink glove. See? Doesn't that feel good?
Y-yeah... (sniff) Do you have any good, you know, DVDs?
Sure...you take over, and I'll go put in "The Thing."

Showing page 24.

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