All comics by mandingo

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by mandingo
11-05-08
my opponent has accused me of coming from a family that owned slaves. i wish to REFUTE this blatant lie in the strongest possible terms
my ancestors weren't rich plantation owners. they were working class americans like yourself who pulled themself up by the bootstraps to make something of their lives
any slaves they had were strictly rent-to-own

 

by mandingo
11-05-08
did you hear Barack's speech today?
bits and pieces
he said he doesn't support gun control. what the hell?
i know. pretty surprising for a democrat
fuck that. pretty surprising for the FIRST BLACK PRESIDENT! if i was him, i'd outlaw all guns, book depositories, and index fingers!
and somehow we didn't vote you lodge treasurer

 

your pickup line sucks donkey balls, my friend. i walked right up to her, smiled, and said, "sit on my lap, i'll guess your weight." SHE PUNCHED ME IN THE THROAT!!
you guessed 240, you tit.
by mandingo, 11-06-08

 

by mandingo
11-07-08
christ, what a hellish day. went into insulin shock and had to be taken to emergency. boss fired me for being late despite the reason why. girlfriend left me for not having a job
who the hell are you??
your next six years of therapy

 

by mandingo
11-10-08
hi, children. research has shown that it doesn't matter what i say to you as long as i keep using this same lilting voice. much like a small, dumb animal.
you know how else you're like an animal? you're going to die. right after you die, your body starts decomposing. and right before you die? you feel more scared than you ever have in your whole life.
hey look. it's Sally Penguin.
now the difference between HIV and AIDS is kind of subtle, kids...

 

by mandingo
11-10-08
Nielsen ratings tell us that parents leave for the middle ten minutes to take care of chores, or gin, or the gardener's cock. so we're going to take this time to teach you how the world really works
you see, everyone's always talking about love. but love is really just limerence, a chemical response that evolved so that fathers would stick around long enough to protect their big-headed human baby
it lasts 4 years at the most and then it's gone. the real way the world works is power. all those things you've been taught are good and bad are just because someone gained power and made them rules
our ten minutes is almost up, kids. but remember, power not love, so if you grow up and write a Lifetime movie about the power of love, Mr. Hooper's gonna cut you
MOM!

 

by mandingo
11-11-08
you ever notice how Cartoon Network has multiple personality disorder?
totally. during the day they're normal tame kids' toons, but then night hits and they just can't help spaceraping some midget with a broomstick
good news and bad news. good news is we ran out of broomsticks.
ohthankgod. what's the bad news?
WIZARD!

 

by mandingo
11-12-08
hey, Joe. hold up a minute
uh...
every day this week i've seen you carrying new cats into your house. what's the deal?
well... okay. it's a funny story actually. you know those paintings where the dogs are playing poker?
yeah.
i fuck these cats

 

by mandingo
11-14-08
ha! Guy in red shirt goes home with a transvestite in 3rd panel
yeah
hate to be you
and he's like "hate to be red-green colorblind." lame comeback, huh?
shut up and suck superclit again

 

by mandingo
11-16-08
it didn't work, doctor. my neck still won't support my head
it worked, but not with leg muscle like we hoped. we had to graft muscle from another part of your body onto your neck. the penis actually. watch what happens when i send the nurse in
so my neck will only support my head when beautiful women are around?
i'm afraid so. however, with time, you should be able to control your urge to spit on them

 

by mandingo
11-19-08
i think same sex marriage should be legal
i think marriage should be between a man and a woman. we should have a vote. if more people agree with you, we'll define it your way. if more people agree with me, we'll define it mine
FUCK THAT! ANYONE WHO'D VOTE AGAINST GAY MARRIAGE IS A HOMOPHOBE HATEMONGER! VOTING FOR IT IS THE ONLY OPEN-MINDED THING TO DO, SO LET'S JUST LEGALIZE IT!
it's ironic that people who describe their stance as open-minded usually do so in order to dismiss those opinions that disagree with them
and because we get to shout a lot
GAY MARRIAGE IS AN ABOMINATION TO GOD! you're right, much more fun

 

by mandingo
11-20-08
what would you do if Jesus showed up in your dorm room and said you were going to hell if you didn't change your ways?
i'd tell him to take off his Converse
what?
i rock an asian theme in my room
why the hell would Jesus be wearing Converse?
i know, right? read the sign, fuckwit

 

by mandingo
11-23-08
you really had a girlfriend dump you because of a Sopranos conversation?
well, sort of
we were talking about the show with a friend. the guy mentioned Big Pussy and i kneejerked and defended her honor
wow
i know. luckily, we eventually made up. i was even best man at their wedding

 

by mandingo
11-23-08
i'm going to a play tonight, going to a play tonight, going to a play tonight, with my best friend Joe
FEMININE RAZORS!!! *SSsHRieEEeK*
holy crap! was that Joan Cusack?? 4 years! 4 years i've worked here and that's the first celebrity i... uh...
CLEANUP, AISLE THREE!

 

by mandingo
11-25-08
excuse me, i just need to get by. you're blocking half the card catalog
password
buddy, this is a public library. i don't need a password
FICTION IS MINE!
i'm about to knock you unconscious with my boot and pee in your ear
that is correct. you may enter.

 

by mandingo
11-25-08
father, did god really die on the cross for my sins?
he died on the cross for all our sins, my child
but his favorite are Chuck's
twin sister, you say?

 

by mandingo
12-01-08
psst. jailbreak tonight. pass it on
you can't pass it back to me. i'm the one that just passed it to you
but if i pass it back to you, it can go back and forth across the room like the wave. besides, you're right here. the next closest person is forty feet away
i don't care how far away they are. find someone new and pass it onto them. we gotta get the word out
but make sure you pass it on
no worries there

 

by mandingo
12-03-08
dear Tom, i feel closer to you with every letter. i'm filled with such desire, i did something impulsive and included a sweaty photo of myself. cherish it until we finally meet in person. love, Karen
i told you why. if it's in my handwriting, she'll know it's from me. now where were we?
"...after realizing Tom was a cyborg, it was my sworn duty to destroy him. i'm truly sorry. his last words pledged his love for you with the sincere hope that you enjoyed your donut sandwich."

 

by mandingo
12-05-08
dad! the fairy and i are going over to the playground!
okay! tell your uncle i said hi!
one of my uncles is gay?
puts a whole new spin on those Trot Trot to London memories, don't it?

 

by mandingo
12-05-08
do i have any Korean food stuck in my teeth?
barely noticeable

 

by mandingo
12-05-08
we all know what the one is. but what's the other?
the other's when you're eating ass and catch pink eye
so when the moon makes your eye like a big pizza pie...
that's gomorrahy

 

by mandingo
12-07-08
over here, i'd knock out part of this wall and create a recess for the waste paper basket. i'd paint the whole room earth tones. the floor? spanish tile
while i'd go with a more cream palette. tan walls with bisque borders. milk and honey tile floor
i knew i shouldn't have settled for a rest stop so close to that insane asylum. do i stay here with these potentially dangerous nutjobs, or do i drive 80 miles to the next one and maybe shit my pants?
i can empathize. i suddenly find myself facing a similar decision
let's get the hell out of here
after i've chosen my decorator

 

by mandingo
12-13-08
hey, you're not Santa!
Santa's sick. he asked me to deliver this letter to you in explanation
dear Ted, i've caught a rather bad case of the gout. it's a funny thing, the gout. say it out loud sometime. seriously, you owe it to yourself. the origin of the word...
so, did the letter stall him long enough?
oh yeah. stole everything in the house and put it in the pickup. it's all unloaded except for the wife and daughter. they're still on the tailgate giving the elves blowjobs

 

by mandingo
12-15-08
2 Across. "Nailed"
Jesus
no, not, "To a cross, nailed." i'm telling you the clue for 2 Across is "Nailed"
oh right, right. sorry
4 Down. "Syndrome"
you. heartless. bastard.

 

by mandingo
12-16-08
freeze, Dr. Owl! i've tracked you halfway across the globe, but now i have you. your evil deeds end here!
you nearly outwitted me. so many mistakes. so many failures. so many dismal nights spent torturing myself over my incompetence. i don't think i could've taken it much longer. i think it was killing me
should we tell him it's just to keep the pigeons away?

 

by mandingo
12-21-08
yes, Igor! my robot army is coming to life! soon they'll be spreading across the land like a scourge! or honey on ice cream! no! a scourge!
i think there's something wrong with some of them, doctor
impossible! they're perfect killing machines! i have grunts, snipers, special ops, everything's in order!
and which class do the ones in sundresses and tangerine lipstick belong to?
Private Time, first class!

 

by mandingo
12-23-08
Joe, i don't think we can be friends anymore
what? why?
your sexual lifestyle is just too much for me
but i told you i was a swinger when i met you
right, but i thought you meant swinger as in polyamorous, not swinger as in the part of the playground you mack
was that a recess bell?

 

by mandingo
12-24-08
so that's it?
that's it. just soak it in warm water for a couple hours till the glue breaks down. then pull it right off.
so did the emergency hotline tell you how to get this reindeer tail off me, you kinky old bastard?
constant sex
constant?
dirty constant

 

by mandingo
1-10-09
what's the reason you don't like holidays again? you had a grandfather die on Thanksgiving?
i had a grandfather, an uncle, and my dad all die on Thanksgiving. my grandmother nearly did too, but she said she refused to die on Thanksgiving like her husband. she made it just past midnight
we thought that broke the curse, but then Teresa, my kitty i had since i was 8, died on Halloween 2003. now Baby, my kitty i found under my soapbox derby car back in '91, just died on New Year's Eve
Arbor Day's just around the corner. be on the lookout
i could say the same thing to you

 

by mandingo
1-12-09
so which one's your boyfriend?
yes!

 

by mandingo
1-14-09
man, i had the most emasculating experience of my life the other day. i uppercut this dickhead, caught him on the chin just perfect. his head snapped back and he fell to the ground unconscious
yup, pretty effeminate
no, no, but i wanted to teach him a lesson. so i whipped my dick out to piss on him. only i couldn't go. but then it became a pride thing. i refused to put the bad boy away until some pee came out
so there i am, standing over this guy, holding my dick, shouting, "COME OUT, DAMN YOU! COME OUT!" a hundred people must have seen it. definitely everyone on my mom's church bus. it even made the paper
YOU'RE THE CELLULOID GAYPIST??!

 

by mandingo
1-14-09
so? what now?
so now we eat it
ewww, really? it looks so squishy and unappealing like that
why can't you ever support me in this?
i'm sorry, i just find the whole practice really disgusting
GET BEHIND MY JAM

 

by mandingo
1-16-09
I'M HAVING SUCH A GREAT TIME TONIGHT I DON'T WANT IT TO END!
SAME HERE BUT I CAN BARELY HEAR YOU! YOU WANT TO GO SOMEWHERE QUIETER SO WE CAN TALK! I KNOW THIS GREAT LITTLE HOLE IN THE WALL!
look, when you said hole in the wall, i thought you meant...
i make 7 digits
TAKE THAT MOUSE COCK! TAKE IT ALLLLLLLL!

 

by mandingo
1-20-09
what's your worst fantasy?
okay, i'm working tech support at some company and i discover everyone's password is detailing sex acts they've done with my mom
JamieGreenGr8Head4u, JGreenFelches, Ms.GreenInTheLibraryWithMyCandlestick, I8OutUrMa. i run home to confront her about it and she beats me with a shoehorn screaming "YOUR INSOLENCE KILLED MR. ROARKE!"
dude, i know that's not a fantasy. i read about it in your blog. hell, i saw it on the news. and Ricardo Montalban is dead. i'm still a little broken up about it
if it's any consolation, he went happy going by his three paragraph password

 

by mandingo
1-21-09
man, i went on a date yesterday with this girl who wouldn't shut up about herself
you shouldn't be surprised. people's number 1 topic of discussion is themselves. i remember discovering this my junior year at Vassar. Linda had just dumped me and i was feeling pretty down...
you ever play at pokerstars.com?
there is no pokerstars.com, just pokerstars.net. and despite my repeated letters, they're yet to give me my 6.3 million dollars
Barack Obama was inaugurated president yesterday. people will always remember that historic day
as Black Tuesday

 

by mandingo
1-28-09
you ever wonder what Satan does on his day off?
rapes dolphins
why dolphins?
why not? they're all but asking for it with their smooth skin and come hither manner
wait... didn't you just vacation at Sea World?
allegedly

 

by mandingo
2-09-09
Wolfgangbang Amadeus Mozart! what the hell are you doing??
i'm jacking off on your classical music collection
Bachkkake

 

by mandingo
2-10-09
the killing spree continues, america, as Alex Trebek's mustache claimed its 36th and 37th victim today
we go now live to our own Kelly Johns who procured an exclusive interview with the murderous manhair
Kelly, you there?
38.

 

by mandingo
2-10-09
43 now dead as Alex Trebek's mustache hits another orphanage today. good evening, america, i'm Liz Ladia.
and i'm John Hernandez.
leading off the news tonight: dead children
dead parentless children

 

by mandingo
2-10-09
the man himself speaks at last. good evening, america, i'm Liz Ladia
and i'm John Hernandez. at long last, Alex Trebek speaks out about his murderous mustache
the events of the past weeks have been devastating to me. the end to the violence and the return of our little boy is the deepest wish of his mother and i. please, if you're listening, son, come home.
this message, which experts say had a 98% chance of stopping the killing spree, went largely unheard as headlines were dominated by speculation over who the mustache's mother could possibly be
Vegas has Johnny Gilbert at even money

 

by mandingo
2-11-09
in a bunker 7 miles below the earth
!
somewhere in the Nevada desert
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
J.D. Salinger suddenly realizes there's one question he wants to answer
12 AND A HALF INCHES, BITCHES!!!!

 

by mandingo
2-11-09
Jack, you're golden. led a good life, we're happy to have you. John, you dick. we've never seen such sin. '83 alone, and even with Jack valiantly fighting you for control of your connected raping hand
now i could separate you, send Jack to heaven, John to hell, but that would mean a whole lot of mopping. so here's what i propose...

 

by mandingo
2-20-09
RAWWRR!!!
what the hell??
YOU RAN ME OVER!!!
i didn't even see you! you should have put those little reflective stickers on your bike and you'd still be alive!
I WAS STILL ALIVE!!! YOU SMOTHERED ME WITH YOUR OXFORD AND RAPED MY CORPSE!!!
okay, that one is my fault. i doubt they make a sticker for that

 

by mandingo
2-21-09
how was that new Thai restaurant?
in one end out the other
you raped the chef AGAIN??
i meant it gave me the shits
oh
and yes

 

by mandingo
2-21-09
so i don't mean to be nosy, but i sort of get the feeling you're still recovering from your last relationship
i'm still recovering from the coroner's report
oh god, i'm sorry. she died?
yeah. and the really sucky part is i never got to say goodbye. i thought i did. i stabbed her damn near 40 times shouting "BYE BITCH" but the coroner said she'd died hours before from sleep apnea
you gonna finish that pickle?

 

by mandingo
3-02-09
so the reindeer are fed, the sled's loaded, all that's left is to... ... ...are you wearing boxing gloves?
he is so real!
nu uh! my daddy told me!
daddy was wrong, Sally! DADDY WAS WRONG!!

 

by mandingo
3-02-09
christ, you feeling okay? you're pale as a ghost
you ever see those wildlife shows where an antelope falls and a group of lions are sitting around eating it, the first one usually going for the warm soft meat around its anus?
yeah
i just got back from taking my kid to Santa's village at the mall. the poor fat bastard they packed into the Santa suit. his heart gave out. died right there on the spot
but what does that have to do with lions eating the ass out of an antelope?
the elves, man. those fucking elves

 

by mandingo
3-05-09
hey, man. heard you just closed on a house. congratulations
uh... yeah. thanks
hear you're going in for some minor surgery too. you worried?
well i wasn't... you know what? i'm just gonna say it. THAT OVERHEAD PROJECTOR YOU HANG OUT WITH IS A FUCKING DICK

 

by mandingo
3-07-09
look, you lead a good life, but this economic crisis is affecting us all. we can't afford any more occupants right now. i'm afraid i'm going to have to send you down for awhile
you mean to hell??
believe me, i'd love to torture you. great ass. probably'd make an apple sound when i bit into it. but we're all filled up from the recent rash of stockbroker suicides. i have to send you down too
down? from hell? what does that even mean?
♫ i don't wanna close my eyes, i don't wanna fall asleep, cause i'd miss you babe, and i don't wanna miss a thing ♫
oh god. oh god no.

 

by mandingo
3-16-09
well... okay. i guess it wouldn't hurt to try just... one... little... *puff*
WELCOME TO SYPHILIS!!!!!!!!!
dad, i'm scared. a french beatnik communist art major who didn't buy war bonds tricked me into trying a reefer cigarette last night. do i really have syphilis now?
yes, i'm afraid so, son. and ass syphilis at that. a comorbidity being that your next 4 hours will be spent with XAXQ and Jesse Presley, Elvis's stillborn identical twin, fistraping your balloon knot
that's our cue
showtime, momma

Showing page 24.

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