All comics by niteowl

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If you play a country music album backwards, you'll get your wife, job, and dog back. It really works. Too bad I'll have to kill myself for letting my turntable's needle touch that crap.
by niteowl, 6-26-05

 

by niteowl
6-26-05
*SLAP*
OW! What did you do that for, George?
That's for telling the press that the insurgency in Iraq could last for years, Rummy.
But it could! Oh man, you left a mark-
You idiot. It flies in the face of what Dick said the other day about it being in the last throes.
*SLAP*
Goddamnit, Dick! Why did you do that?
'Cause you're a dirty bitch and you love it?

 

by niteowl
6-26-05
*SLAP*
Take that, Dickie!
You motherfucker.
Hey, why don't you go run back to your bunker, crybaby! HAHA!
Fine, Rummy. When I come back, you'll wish you never said that.
Later...
Oh shit! He brought out the Gimp!
Waste that motherfucker, Gannon.

 

by niteowl
6-26-05
*SLAP* *SLAP* *SLAP*
OWWWWWWWWWW!
*SLAP* *SLAP* *SLAP*
OWWWWWWWWWW!
*SLAP* *SLAP* *SLAP*
GANNON! PLEASE STOP THRASHING ME WITH YOUR 10 INCH LOVE MUSCLE!

 

by niteowl
6-26-05
*SLAP* *SLAP* *SLAP*
Alright, what the hell's going on in here?
Oh no, Laura's here!
That's right. Now you boys knock it off, or you're grounded.
Honey-
Don't *Honey* me, George. Stop right now, or no more invading countries for the rest of your term, got it?
Sorry baby.

 

by niteowl
6-26-05
You boys are an embarrassment. Smacking each other around and stuff.
Sorry pookie. I'll make it up to you.
I mean, come on, boys. We have guests here! Foreign Leaders! How do you think this makes us look?
It makes us look like bad ass motherfuckers!
No, it makes you look silly.
Ok, just because Cheney is tied down on my desk and wearing ass-less leather chaps doesn't mean it's silly.

 

by niteowl
6-26-05
I have to go entertain our guests. Now you boys get back to your meeting, but no more slapping each other!
Ok Laura. What are our guests doing, by the way?
They're waiting for you fools to get done with your meeting so they can meet with you!
We should ask them to join us!
Ok, but don't you think you should untie Dick first?
Why?

 

by niteowl
6-28-05
I just don't know...
I think Chris is a boy.

 

by niteowl
6-28-05
I walked into the club. There was Pussy Galore, and a cavalcade of Revolting Cocks. Then I saw her. She had luscious, Flaming Lips, Nine Inch Nails, and an adorable little Spooky Tooth.
I could hardly stop my Rapid Eye Movement as I gazed upon her Flesh...for Lulu, however, this was nothing new, she was used to creatures young and old staring her down.
My One-Eyed Jack started to stir as she walked towards me. Her soft, Pink skin made my Wang Chung. Head East, Mr. Bungle did not go...oh no, he headed straight north.
She coyly asked me if I would buy her a shot of Everclear. I stammered, "There's a Hole in my Heart that can only be filled by you." She then punched me in the Belly and said, "I hate Extreme!"
Then she walked off. I wasn't surprised though. I have bad luck with women. I constantly put my Blackfoot in my Smashmouth when I encounter them.
I really wish Rolling Stone would stop with their version of the Penthouse letters.

 

by niteowl
6-30-05
Hi there Doc.
Hello Tommy. You sounded pretty upset on the phone, what's the matter?
I've been having these feelings lately and I want to express them, but I know that if I do, friends and family will make fun of me. What should I do?
Keeping things bottled up is destructive to your relationships and yourself. Talk about your feelings with your friends and family. So what would you like to express to your loved ones?
The fact that I really liked Star Wars Episode III.
There are times when it's best to keep your feelings hidden, Tommy.

 

Republicans are blaming the Army's recruiting shortfall on criticism of the Iraq war. To all those in the liberal media, please stop telling the truth about soldiers dying over there. It's just rude.
by niteowl, 6-30-05

 

by niteowl
7-01-05
SUPER SAIYAN ATTACK! RRRRRRRRRRRRR RAAAAAARRRRRR!
RRRRRRRRRRRRR *cough cough* *hack* *wheeze*
Are you ok?
No. *cough* How am I supposed to battle if I can't yell effectively?
Throat lozenges. They've saved me from imminent death more than once. Want one?
*cough* Sure.

 

by niteowl
7-03-05
Are you a friend of Dorothy's?
Fuck you, queer.
No, no, not like that, I mean do you know Dorothy Williams?
Oh, yeah, I do... how did you know?
I smell the sickly sweet stench of her pu-
She threw a used tampon at me.

 

by niteowl
7-03-05
I've recently come to the realization that I really do love the 4th of July.
You finally realized that acting like an America hating prick is wrong, eh?
No, I was talking about the annual Twilight Zone marathon on SciFi channel.
Well, at least you're parking your lazy ass in front of the TV for hours on end like a real American would.

 

by niteowl
7-03-05
Earlier tonight, our neighbors were shooting off fireworks.
I bet that was cool, huh?
Yeah, it was really awesome.
Sounds like fun. I love watching fireworks.
I wasn't talking about watching fireworks, I was talking about seeing the cops come and bust their asses for shooting that shit off in the city limits. That was great.
Why do you hate your fellow Americans so much?

 

by niteowl
7-03-05
I don't hate all Americans, just the fuckers who interrupt my nice peaceful night at home with their display of fireworks right outside my window.
Look, they're just trying to celebrate our country's independence. You should really be more tolerable of it.
Why should I be more tolerable of a bunch of idiots? Take that shit out to an open field and do your celebrating there. I'm tired of the fucking noise.
You sure are a whiny bitch.
Ok, how about I come over to your house tomorrow and park my car in your driveway with the bass blaring at about 2 am?
Do you want me to get out the shotgun?

 

by niteowl
7-05-05
Darling, I love you. I don't care what our parents say, I can't bear to be without you any longer.
Oh yes, my lovemuffin. I feel the same way. My heart breaks everytime we part.
Pookypie, let's leave this place. Run away with me!
Ok, snugglebug, I will!
It was then that the author came to the grim realization that he couldn't tell a funny, yet sweet love story if his life depended on it.

 

Bush had another bike accident. Stop laughing! It's not funny! That poor bike suffered some significant damage!
by niteowl, 7-06-05

 

You know that guy who is charged with killing those people in Idaho? I read his blog today. There's a whole lot of craziness posted there. And that was just the comments.
by niteowl, 7-08-05

 

by niteowl
7-08-05
Honey, I'm *hic* home...
This is the 15th night in a row that you've come home late! I've had enough of this shit, I want a divorce!
Please forgive me baby...I swear, I'll make it up to you.
And just how do you plan on doing that?

 

by niteowl
7-08-05
Ok, let's finish up this interview with a few questions. Do you smoke?
Nope.
Do you drink?
Sometimes.

 

by niteowl
7-10-05
...Now take Prince's Parade album. It was received well by critics, but didn't match the sales of Purple Rain.
Even though the single Kiss was easily one of the catchiest and best songs released in 1986.
BILLY, ARE YOU UP THERE WATCHING AMERICAN PSYCHO AGAIN?
No, Mom.

 

Republicans are saddened by the terrorist attacks in London last week. They're sad 'cause Americans have forgetten about it already and are now completely focused on Rove's treasonous misdeeds.
by niteowl, 7-11-05

 

"What can prevent Minnesotans from talking on their cellphones while driving?"
My foot up their ass?
by niteowl, 7-12-05

 

by niteowl
7-15-05
Ok, let's finish up this interview with a few questions. Do you smoke?
Nope.
Do you drink?
Sometimes.
Alright, you're hired. So, 2 hour lunch back at my place? Bring the Jello and the edible undies, and I'll have the fuzzy handcuffs ready.
I hope this isn't what you meant when you said you have a great bonus package here.

 

by niteowl
7-15-05
I saw this really cool website the other day.
Dude, why don't you get a life?
What do you mean by that?
You spend your entire miserable life in front of the computer. Meanwhile, I'm out there experiencing life to it's fullest.
Haven't you been arrested 5 times in the last year?
What's your fucking point, Mr. Hermit?

 

by niteowl
7-15-05
Hi Mom, I'm home. Oh my God, Mom what are you doing?
SHIT! WHAT'S HE DOING HERE?
Uh, Mom...is that the police chief on the floor bound and gagged?
Damnit, Bobby...how many times have I told you not to just walk into my room without knocking first?
Sorry Mom.
Get out of here, you little brat! And stay off the damn computer, only losers sit online all fucking day!

 

by niteowl
7-15-05
Hey Bobby, wanna go huntin' with me?
Sorry, Uncle Bubba. I can't.
Why the hell not?
I've got some important stuff to do on the computer.
Still wasting your life on that fuckin' computer, huh? I tell ya, ain't nothin' good ever came from computers.
I really wish you wouldn't point that at me. You're making me nervous.

 

by niteowl
7-15-05
So you're not gonna come hunting with me?
No. I said I've got things to do. Besides, I really didn't like it when you took me hunting that one time.
You didn't like it? Jesus H. Christ on a popsicle stick. What are you, Bobby...some kind of pussy?
So just because I don't enjoy slaughtering animals, that makes me some kind of weakling...
Fuckin' A right it does!
You go and have a good time, Bubba. Try not to accidentally shoot one of your hunting buddies like last time, ok?

 

by niteowl
7-15-05
Hi Dad.
Hey Bobby. How's it going?
Good. How's the weather out in Boston?
I wouldn't know. I've been bar hopping and visiting strip clubs for about a week straight.
Right...so anyways, Dad-
Listen son, I gotta go...Buxom Brandi is next onstage. Wow, what a hot fucking piece of ass she is!

 

by niteowl
7-16-05
Dad, I miss you. I really wish you would come out here and see me.
I know. I wish I could but my work schedule has been messed up lately.
But Dad, you're a drug dealer.
Bobby, I prefer to be called a salesman.
Alrighty. Hey Dad, I've got good news...my website is almost done. It's gonna be huge.
Oh boy. Listen to me, son. You need to stay away from computers. They're nothing but fucking trouble.

 

by niteowl
7-16-05
What's up dude? You said you needed to talk to me.
Yeah. I can't handle my family anymore. They think I'm just a bum because I have my own site and I work hard on it. According to them, I have no life.
I know how you feel. Everyone in my family disowned me for spending time online working on my site, remember?
Yep. Even after you were pulling in 5 grand a week selling the programs you made.
So, how's your sister doing? She still out in California?
Yeah, she'll be out of the Betty Ford Clinic in a couple of weeks.

 

by niteowl
7-16-05
Well dude, gotta run. Big board meeting today. We're going to be expanding again.
Alright man, I gotta go too. I'm going to be meeting with some investors later today. They really like the Widgets I'm selling on my site.
Later...
...but officer, I wasn't-
Don't give me any shit, boy. Jaywalking is a crime, you fucking punk. You're going downtown.

 

by niteowl
7-16-05
Ma'am, this Sergeant O'Leary, Centerville Police calling. I have some bad news.
Aww shit, did I miss another court date?
No ma'am, it's about your son.
OH NO! IS MY SON OK? IS HE ALIVE?
Yes, he is alive and well...but unfortunately, we arrested him earlier today for-
ARRESTED? YAY! HE IS MY FLESH AND BLOOD AFTER ALL! I LOVE THAT KID!

 

by niteowl
7-16-05
Rick, it's me. Guess what? Bobby got arrested!
Oh my God, Judy. Holy shit. Our son finally earned his stripes.
I know, I just can't believe it. That's great news, eh?
You're damn right it is. I've got to come back and see this, I'll be on the next plane out of here.
We HAVE to have a party when you get here!
Absolutely! You bring the donkeys and the duct tape, I'll bring the crack!

 

by niteowl
7-16-05
Bubba, it's your sis. Guess what?
You got herpes again?
No, silly! Bobby got arrested! He's in jail right now!
Really? Excellent! Did he shoot someone?
No, he got busted for jaywalking. But still in all...
That sure is a pussy crime to get arrested for, but at least he is truly a part of the family now.

 

by niteowl
7-16-05
Hi Mom.
Oh Bobby! Bobby! My boy!
Please don't yell at me, Mom. I already feel bad enough. All I can say is that I'm really sorry.
Yell? Why would I yell? This is great! You are finally doing something with your life!
What...huh?
Oh my Lord, I've never been so happy! Well, except for the one time I snorted that fine ass Peruvian coke off of Keith Richards' nutsack.

 

by niteowl
7-16-05
So...can you bail me out, Mom?
You bet! I have great news too, your father is coming to town to see you! We're going to have a huge party to celebrate this momentous occasion!
Uh, party?
But of course! I've also hooked you up with a date for the party too!
Who?
Only the high school's hottest cheerleader, Melissa! She'll be bringing an X pill and some Viagra, so you can bang the shit out of her all night long!

 

by niteowl
7-16-05
It'll be $100 to bail him out.
Good deal. Say, you wanna come to the party we're having to celebrate Bobby's arrest?
Of course I'll be there. I wouldn't miss it for the world.
Don't worry about raiding evidence room for drugs to bring to the party, we'll have more than enough.
Cool. Hookers too?
Naturally. Say, think I could get a copy of Bobby's mugshot? I want to hang it on the wall next to all the other family members' mugshots. We've got one helluva montage goin'.

 

I took the wife to McDonald's for dinner today and paid for it with a Visa Gold Card.
by niteowl, 7-18-05

 

I got some spinners for my car yesterday. That baby blue '78 Pinto is totally pimpin' now.
by niteowl, 7-18-05

 

Back in the 80's, I wore my L.A. Kings jersey with pride. All my homies wore Kings gear, yo. By the way, who the fuck is Gretzky and why was his name on the back of that jersey?
by niteowl, 7-18-05

 

by niteowl
7-18-05
I love Jesus!
If you love him so much, why don't you just fuck him?
Yeah, I had her. She wasn't that good.
Ooh, burn!

 

by niteowl
7-22-05
Boss, the NHL called this morning. They want to talk about a broadcasting contract again.
What kind of numbers did they pitch this time?
3 years, $45 million.
$15 million a year? That is way too much. We don't need them anyways, we've got some pretty good programs to take their place in the lineup this winter.
Like what?
Cheerleading, Extreme Jai Alai, and of course, The National Spelling Bee.

 

by niteowl
7-22-05
...today on Today, Terrorism! Death! Destruction! Bin Laden! Saddam! Crazy people in London! Oh boy, are we scared!
The terror alert color thingy is at Orange! That's right, I said it! ORANGE! Drive-Bys! Cellphones cause cancer! Your kids are out having sex and shooting up right now!
Hurricanes! Tornadoes! Floods! Earthquakes! Volcanoes! Oh Lord, the Apocalypse is coming!
Morbid Obesity! Rabid Dogs! Dirty Video Games! Holy shit, I need a valium!
Whew. Ok Matt, what's next?
Hey Katie, check out the crowd outside our studio! All happy and shit! Totally oblivious to the fact that the world could end at any fucking minute!

 

by niteowl
7-22-05
Bettman on a conference call with (from left to right) Ilitch, LaCroix, Clarke, and Quinn.
...because of the $39 million cap, some of you spend happy teams will have to buyout your star players and make better use of your minor league players to cut costs.
Aw shucks, I don't want to buyout my guys' contracts. I like old people.
I just realized my team is about $70 million over the cap. I think I'm gonna cry.
Hello! I'm still looking for a goalie! HELLO!
You mean to tell that my mighty Leafs have a minor league team, and we can call up players? Shit, I had no idea.

 

by niteowl
7-22-05
Goodenow meets with members of the NHLPA.
Hey, where's the KY?
*umph* *umph* *umph*
No idea.
Bettman has it, remember?

 

Do you think we should get more life insurance on each other?
You're not planning on bumping me off, are you?
by niteowl, 7-26-05

 

by niteowl
7-26-05
What the hell happened to you, man? You're like...frozen.
You're always telling me to take a chill pill, so I did.
What?

 

by niteowl
7-26-05
Yo, welcome. I'm Bobby Brown, drug riddled former star of New Edition.
Let's get this thang on an' crackin'!
Bobby, look behind you!
Aww shit, not again.

Showing page 24.

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