All comics by biped

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by biped
9-26-05
That's IT! I'm going 40 days without jerkin' my yerkin. Starting NOW!!!
And I'M going 40 days without...er... without singing "La-la-la!!!"
What? What the hell's so hard about not singing "La-la-la"?
Oh, my! I'm just so gosh-darn HAPPY that I can barely RESTRAIN myself, ha-ha!
PHOOEY! NOT JERKIN' OFF for 40 days is a whole lot harder than --
LA-LA-LA!!!

 

by biped
9-27-05
Brace yourself, sweetie -- Don Adams died.
DON ADAMS!!! OH, NO!!! NOOOOOO!!! DON ADAMS DIED!!! DON ADAMS DIED!!!
Who's "Don Adams"?
...so I shot her.

 

One more screw-up, and I'll have your fucking hands cut off.
by biped, 9-27-05

 

Santa, there seems to be a puppy surplus this year. The boys would like to know if we could eat them.
by biped, 9-27-05

 

Oh, well...I can give all those shitty fire engines you made to the little potato heads in the coma ward.
by biped, 9-27-05

 

by biped
9-28-05
La dee-dah, hmm, hmm-hmm...hmm?
GLUB...GLUB...I'm a fish! HEY, LOOK! A WORM!
YEEEEEOW!!!
CRUNCH!!!
OK, that was just wrong!

 

by biped
9-28-05
You left the cap off the toothpaste again. Now the toothpaste tastes all funny.
Sorry. Next time I'll remember to put the cap back on the tube after I fuck it.
OK, that was just wrong!

 

by biped
9-28-05
I can't find my diary anywhere. And it had all my really, deeply personal stuff in it.
Hmm...well, I was playing with it, and...umm...
Oh, yeah! I left it up Richard Gere's asshole.
OK, that was just wrong!

 

by biped
9-30-05
That's IT! I'm going 40 days without jerkin' my yerkin. Starting NOW!!!
(Oh, shit!) Uhh...is this thing on?
HI, KIDS! "Here comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus, right down Santa Claus Lane..."

 

by biped
9-30-05
That's IT! I'm going 40 days without jerkin' my yerkin. Starting NOW!!!
Yay!
SHUT UP, yerkin!

 

by biped
9-30-05
That's IT! I'm going 40 days without jerkin' my yerkin. Starting NOW!!!
Aww! That's my little hermaphrodite!
TUNE IN NEXT WEEK FOR ANOTHER HEART-WARMING EPISODE OF..."MY LITTLE HERMAPHRODITE"! HERE'S A PREVIEW...
What am I, Old Dead Gramps? A boy or a girl?
Why...you're a little of both, pumpkin!
Gosh! I guess that makes me...kinda special, huh?
Heavens, NO, dear! It makes you a FREAK!

 

by biped
9-30-05
That's IT! I'm going 40 days without jerkin' my yerkin. Starting NOW!!!
I want to eat the baby. Oh, excuse me..please, may I eat the baby.
Well...that'd make a swell "Baby's First Christmas", wouldn't it?
Yes, YES! "Baby's First 'Getting Eaten Alive By Me' Christmas"! YES!
I was being sarcastic.
Oh.

 

by biped
9-30-05
Why...that's old "Jolly" Joe. He used to sell us candy bars out of a pushcart after school. Who in the world would've --
Would you please SHUT THE FUCK UP? I've had just about enough of your YAMMERIN' YAP.
Right...uh, well, the meat wagon's here--
I thought I told you to SHUT UP!

 

by biped
9-30-05
Can I talk --
No need for that now! Just shuck them drawers and GIT TO WORK!

 

by biped
9-30-05
Uh...you think, maybe just this once, I could do this alone --
YOU KNOW I LIKE TA WATCH! NOW CLAM UP AND GIT TA SQUATTIN'!
My GOD, Ed...this is NUTS...
Shoot me, Bob. Or I swear I'll send those photos of you and the babysitter to your wife. Shoot me. SHOOT ME.
Well, well...look who fell out of his wheelchair. Guess I'll just sit on his face for awhile.

 

by biped
9-30-05
You're strangely quiet today, Ed... a penny for your thoughts?
Oh, I was just wondering... what in the world did I do to deserve this never-ending torment? I forget.
"Well, Ed...fifty million years ago..."
Yum! That banana looks good. May I have a bite?
No.
Of course, you got a light sentence. So in another billion years, you get to be reincarnated as a dung beetle.
Boy. I wish I'd given the dinosaur a bite of that damn banana.

 

by biped
9-30-05
Well, it's been a billion years. I finally get to be reincarnated as a dung beetle.
And I finally get to return to my true form and pass on to the next level.
Your true --?
Bye, Daddy!
WOO-HOO!!! BUFFALO SHIT!!!
DIBS ON THE CORN!!!

 

by biped
10-02-05
HEE HAW!!! ME DOG-ON-BALL!!! ME THINK BIPED SHOULD BE HOST OF NEXT COMICS CONTEST!!! VROOM-VROOM!!! ME RACE CAR!!!
NO, WAIT!!! ME SPACE MONSTER!!! BEEP-BEEP!!! GET OUT OF WAY, OR ME EAT YOUR ENTIRE STUPID PLANET, BUTTFACE!!! GRR!!!
BIPED AM THE GREATEST!!! YOU NO THINK SO? OH!!! YOU AM STUPID BUTTFACE!!! GOO-GOO!!! KISS MY BUTT, BUTTFACE!!! BOING-BWOING!!!
ME WRITE SONG ABOUT BIPED!!! "BEEP-BEEP, HIM KISS MY BUTT!!! HIM BIG, FAT BUTTFACE, JUST LIKE YOU!!! WOOF-WOOF!!!"
"HE WILL SMELL MY BUTT, JUST LIKE YOU!!! LA-LA-LA!!! AND KISS IT, TOO!!! OH, BIPED AM SUPER-GAY!!! MEOW!!! ME KITTY CAT!!!"
HEE-HAW!!! ME GET CHAINSAW AND KILL YOU WITH IT!!! AND THEN ME GO CAMPING WITH ATTITUDECHICKA!!! GRRR!!! ME AM HER DEITY!!! POOP!!!

 

by biped
10-02-05
Hi, fellow stripcreators! I'm biped! I think I should get to host CC #300 because --
Hello America, I'm Lyndon LaRouche. And I'm running for President of the United States again. So vote for me, or --
Hey, wait a minute, I paid for this airtime, so I don't think --
Folks, Ross Perot here. Can I talk? Are you gonna allow me to get a word in, biplane? Huh? Now, ya see, this is just sad --
Look, I -- HEY! GET THAT "VERY SPECIAL EPISODE" OF "DIFF'RENT STROKES" OFF OF HERE! I DIDN'T GET TO SAY ANYTHING!
...and that's why the "funny" man in the park touched you there, Arnold, and why you shouldn't be ashamed to tell Mr. Drummond.

 

by biped
10-04-05
I certainly hope that nice biped gets to host CC#300. He's such a --
I SENTENCE YOU TO FIFTY YEARS IN BLONDE-O GRANDE !!!
NO!!! NO!!! NOT BLONDE-O GRANDE!!!
Duh duh DUUUUUHHH!!! HYEK HYEK HYEK!!!
Fifty years later...
Well? Who won?
Hmm? Won what?

 

by biped
10-04-05
Well, Brad? Who do YOU think should host CC#300?
Oh, no question -- biped, of course! Heh, heh!
God -- I feel so cheap.
Brad? biped paid me five dollars. He said to show you a "good time."
WHAT THE F -- !!!
Well, shuck them drawers, sonny. I may not have all day.

 

by biped
10-04-05
Tom blew a load in your underwear drawer again.
FRED!!! FREEEEED!!!
Keep a-scrubbin'. Yer tongue ain't that tired yet.
OK, that was just wrong!

 

by biped
10-04-05
Hey, officer! Look at these "naughty schoolgirl" magazines I found hidden under Tom's litter box!
!!!
Heeere, kitty kitty kitty...
OK, that was just wrong!

 

by biped
10-07-05
TESSSSS-TICLES! TESTICLES, TESTICLES, TESSSSS-TICLES!
DOG TESTICLES FOR SALE! GETCHER GEN-YOO-INE DOG TESTICLES RIGHT HERE!
GOOD LORD! Where in Heaven's name did you children obtain (ahem) "dog testicles" for sale?
We get 'em from the vet in exchange for making terrifying death threats to his wife over the phone! He HATES her!
YEAH! Now are you gonna buy some dog testicles? Or are you just WASTIN' OUR TIME?
Oh, give me two dozen. I have some dinner guests tonight that I'm not particularly fond of.

 

by biped
10-07-05
MONDAY
Weeelll...he-lloooo Clariiiice...
Docter Lekter, I shore wish you wun't act so creepeh when I come ta visit yew. Ah thank it's silleh... jus' plain downraht silleh's wut it is.
TUESDAY
Loook, Clariiiice...look at my new clownnn sssuit...hnn-hnn-hnnfff-fff-fff... ssssscary, isn't it...?
Well, not perticularly, no, Docter Lekter, yah see, ah'm not afraid uh clowns. Ah thank yew jus' look plain silleh agin.
WEDNESDAY
Woof woof, Clariiiice...just think...a dog who is capable of thisss... is capable of anythinnng...hnn-hnn-hnnfff-fff-fff...
Well, if that don't jus' beat all. Docter Lekter, yew are without a doubt the silliest person ah have ever seen.

 

by biped
10-08-05
Mommy! Let's go pick up my pretty new Easter dress now!
I'm sorry, sweetheart...but as long as the flesh-eating zombies are surrounding the house, we can't go anywhere.
Boy, Dad, I can't wait to go see the Cubs play today! Sure hope they hit a --
Son, the living dead... remember? Besides, according to ESPN, most of the Cubs are cannibalistic walking corpses by now.
Stupid zombies! I HATE the living dead!
Me too, Sis! They've totally ruined Easter weekend!

 

You look so hot when you find me annoying.
by biped, 10-10-05

 

by biped
10-12-05
MEE-YOW...me so HORNY!
And that's how come I'm a bizarre freak!
Very nice. Children, say "thank you, Freak Girl."

 

by biped
10-13-05
Me bam Mr. Pam.
Me bam Sam.
Hi, Sam. Me bam Mr. Pam.
Hi, Mr. Pam. Me bam Sam.
Mr. Pam fave band bam Wham.
Sam fave ham bam jam-glazed Spam.

 

by biped
10-13-05
Whubbere ubbis wubbe, Grubbannubby?
It's your new home, the orph -- I mean, the "happy farm."
Ubbi lubbikes thubbe hubbappubby fubbarm.
Oh yes...we're all happy here, all right...heh, heh... happy, happy... hap...py...
Whubben dubbo wubbe ubbeat?
Soon as somebody croaks, kid. Just hope it's a fatty.

 

by biped
10-14-05
Finished yet, Mr. Crosby?
Almost...uhh...UHH... UNNNGGGGGHHHHH!!!
Damn it, Melissa...hold still...
Fuckin' turkey baster TICKLES! SNORT!!!
Duh, I gots two mommies...*drool*

 

by biped
10-14-05

 

Yeah, well I was keeping count, and you shot six times. So fuck you, asshole.
by biped, 10-14-05

 

I wanted to make sure I'd win the million-dollar jackpot, so I bought fifty million tickets!
by biped, 10-15-05

 

by biped
10-15-05
I am a door-to-door salesduck. Would you like to purchase me?
You mean, like, for a pet? Or to cook and eat you?
Err...stud service?
What? You must be retarded!
And that's when she took advantage of me sexually.

 

by biped
10-15-05
Hello. I am a door-to-door salesduck.
"Ding-dong."

 

by biped
10-16-05
Heh-heh! Just wait'll that incendiary bomb goes off!
Yeah! Ol' Robot Frankenstein's ass will be burnt slap up!
Next day...
*sniff* Me 'n' Stinkybutt did it...and are very sorry.
I will let you live, but I have already tracked down and killed Stinkybutt.
Dad, I can never be like you. I've made my decision...I'm going to be a nurse.
Son, real-life nursing isn't as glamorous as it's depicted in your "soap operas."

 

by biped
10-17-05
...and I thought, what if David Berkowitz's neighbor's dog had been named "Woofy"? Or "Booger"? He would've been "Son Of Woofy." Or "Son Of Booger."
Uh, nurse...I don't think the doctor did a very good job with my arm re-attachment...
...so my suggestion was used! "The Ball Barons" is a pretty cool name for a bowling team, don't you think? I can't wait to get my shirt. It'll be gold, with --
Where the hell's that doctor? I think I died ten minutes ago.
Doctor, your patients are all dead.
Really? Let's put them in funny poses and take pictures of them to post in my blog!

 

by biped
10-18-05
I'm sorry, sir, but all the other prostitutes are currently occupied. I'm the only one available.
Well...okay. Hold on, I'll be right back.
This is because i'm black, isn't it.

 

by biped
10-18-05
Environmental controls are malfunctioning! The ship's about to decompress!
Oh my gosh, hurry! We have to get our spacesuits on or it's certain death!
Oh, look -- there's only one spacesuit. And it just happens to be my size.
This is because I'm black, isn't it.

 

by biped
10-18-05
HELP!!! HEEELLLPPP!!!
BEEP-BEEP!!! COMPUTER-MOBILE VERSUS THE PEDESTRIANS!!!DIE!!! DIE!!! DIE!!!
STOP!!! Why can't we just play hide-and-seek or Simon Says or something?
NO!!! YOU have to play what I WANT to play, and I want to play DEEP-SEA DIVER!!! TO THE OCEAN -- NOW!!!
This is because I'm black, isn't it.

 

by biped
10-18-05
Holy SHIT! He's the WORST doctor in town! Just LOOK at me!
Then why the HELL do you keep GOING to him?
Oh, sir -- I forgot to administer your big, wet, incredibly-thorough anal exam.
GULP!!! I'll be right there, Nurse Bigguns.
Well, cue the "Benny Hill" music.

 

by biped
10-19-05
Special delivery!
What a coincidence, I have a "Special Delivery" for you too *chuckle*
Oh in that case, I have a Special, SPECIAL delivery for you.
Another coincidence...
(*smack*) Well, he tasted pretty good after I doubled up on the oregano.
Thanks, Psycho Cannibal Chef!

 

by biped
10-19-05
Special delivery!
What a coincidence, I have a "Special Delivery" for you too *chuckle*
Oh in that case, I have a Special, SPECIAL delivery for you.
Another coincidence! Oh, nuuurse...
ME PREGNANT, YOU SEX BASTARD!!!

 

by biped
10-19-05
BABIES ARE DUMB!!! I HATE BABIES!!! YOU SHOULD PLAY FOOTBALL WITH BABIES, ROBOTS!!!
NO, YOU BAD NURSE!!! BABIES ARE GOOD!!! ROBOTS NOT PLAY FOOTBALL WITH --
SHUT UP!!! YOU ROBOTS GO OUT AND PLAY FOOTBALL WITH BABIES, NOW!!! DAMN IT!!!
NO!!! NO!!! ROBOTS ARE GOOD, NOT ANTI-BABIES!!! YOU ARE TELLING US WRONG, NURSE!!!
SURPRISE!!! YOU ARE GOOD ROBOTS!!! I WAS ONLY TESTING YOU TODAY!!! TEE-HEE!!!
YAY!!! WE PASSED THE SURPRISE "ANTI-BABY ROBOT TEST"!!! NOW WE CAN BE NANNIES!!!

 

by biped
10-19-05
Kitty cat.
Yes, I know it's a kitty cat. You can't pay your bill with a kitty cat.
Kitty cat.
Oh, for Pete's sake! I'll let the doctor tell you himself!
You try to pay me with that cat and I'll saw your fucking legs off.

 

by biped
10-20-05
ME WANT TO SEE "MONSTER BUTT"!!! MOMMY!!!
All right, dear. Come along.
OH, GOODY!!! LA-LA-LA!!! LA-LA!!!
I hope the theater isn't too crowded.
Shh... a little quieter, dear...
YAAAAY!!! IT'S MONSTER BUTT!!! HE AM -- HEY!!! ME PEED IN ME'S POPCORN!!! WAAA-HAAA-HAAAAAAA!!!

 

by biped
10-20-05
GUESS WHAT!!! ME GOT TO SEE "MONSTER BUTT" TODAY!!!
"Monster Butt"? That piece of shit? It fucken SUCKS!
*gurgle* H-help... me...
ME HAD TO BREAK YOUR RIBS AND SPINE!!!
I'm sorry...you have to buy the "Monster Meal" to get the "Monster Butt" action figures...
ME HAVE SEX WITH YOU FOR THEM!!!

 

by biped
10-20-05
MOMMY!!! ME KILL A HUNDRED PEOPLE TODAY BECAUSE THEY NOT LIKE MONSTER BUTT!!!
Oh, dear...we may have to move again...
...AND BLESS MOMMY, AND BLESS WOOFY, AND BLESS FISHY-WISHY, AND BLESS MONSTER BUTT!!! AND THANK YOU FOR MAKING HIM!!! AAAAAY-MEYUN!!!
Come on, li'l Nurse Bigguns, and we'll go visit Monster Butt.
OH, BOY!!! A MONSTER BUTT DREAM!!! YAAAAAAAY!!!

 

by biped
10-20-05
Why? Why did you kill everyone in the old folks' home? What possible reason --
BECAUSE THEY NOT LIKE MONSTER BUTT!!! ME KILL YOU TOO IF YOU DON'T!!!
"HI, MOMMY!!! ME WIN CONTEST AND GET TO GO TO HOLLYWOOD TO MEET MONSTER BUTT!!! ME HAVE HAD SEX A HUNDRED TIMES!!!"
Oh, dear...I take my eyes off of her for one minute...
LOOK, MOMMY!!! ME HAVE MONSTER BUTT'S BABY!!! HE AM MY NEW LITTLE BROTHER!!!

Showing page 25.

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