All comics by mandingo

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by mandingo
3-22-09
Edson! thou foul wretch! what dost thou plan to besmirch my well-windexed copy glass with today! thine buttcheek or thine nutsack??
i was thinking more the combo package
how'd you do with the Copy Guardian?
stabbed with his plastic sword. actually, it was more like he batted me on the ass with it while i was making collated copies of my balls
sounds kinda gay
you should've seen what i did for my art back at Frisco Paper Con '67. i still get Christmas cards. and tested

 

by mandingo
3-23-09
okay, couples. we asked your wife, "when your husband's parents come to stay, does your sex life diminish?" what do you think she said? we'll start with you, Don.
oh wow. i don't know. i mean it is kind of awkward...
but you know, she's got a pretty good sex drive. so if she tells the truth, i'll say, no, it doesn't diminish.
okay, Cindy. reveal your answer. what happens to your sex life when Don's parents come to visit?
it triples!

 

by mandingo
3-23-09
those men of there, what is it they are of laughing about
they're laughing about having just gangbanged your wife
i do not know this "gangbanged your wife." is it being a good thing?
fair to middling. though it is a hell of a ride to screw a man's wife, tell him about it, then have him respond with some peach like
excellent! then let us horserace!

 

by mandingo
3-23-09
i get it. you've never had a hobby before. never got what all the hubbub was about. but now you do. hobbies are great. you love your hobby! EVERYONE SHOULD HAVE A HOBBY!
i guess i have been going on a bit about it. maybe it's better if i show you
TOPIARY!
i think you're supposed to leave it in the ground

 

by mandingo
3-23-09
you have gotten past the chickens
but you will never get past the goats
you have gotten past the goats
but you will never get past the rams
BRING IT, BITCHES!
Bulger's gonna have a bounceback year!

 

by mandingo
3-25-09
nigger go home!
i am home, Jeff. now take that fucking thing off, grab a paintbrush, and help me finish the trim
what! no! i'm not Jeff! i'm... Adolf! Adolf... von... Coonhater!
uh huh. pretty low blow pretending to be in the klan just to get out of helping me paint
shit. what gave me away?
couldn't be the arms

 

by mandingo
3-26-09
what do we have? well, we have hamburgers, fries, shakes, onion rings, ch... uh... chicken nuggets
what was that last one?
christ, what am i doing? i'm a vegetarian selling meat to the masses. i can't go on like this. i have to be true to who i am. i'm sorry, Frank, but i quit.
I JUST WANT SOME FUCKING CHICKEN!

 

by mandingo
3-29-09
christ, grampa, what happened to your face? you look like you ran into a brick wall
HE FELL!
i fell

 

by mandingo
3-31-09
look, i don't know what pussy ass crime you're in for, but do yourself a favor and stay out of my way
me? what i'm in for? it's kind of gruesome actually
i stabbed a nun in the face with the sharpened femur of an orphan. lay it on me
2 hours later...
...so there i am, climbing out of this fat Haitian i'd used as a Tauntaun, ass deep in dead penguins, and suddenly it occurs to me GODDAMN i love Sea World
GUARD!

 

by mandingo
3-31-09
i just don't get it, John. what could've possibly happened to make you hate penguins so much?
oh, it's a long, convoluted story. it would take hours to tell

 

by mandingo
4-02-09
hey, chuck. saw the new car outside. how can you afford a beamer with the pay freeze? i'm barely making my mortgage
i play some online poker on the side
really? i tried that too for awhile but whenever i'd get a bad beat, i'd go on tilt and blow all my money. don't you have that problem?
i used to. but now whenever i have a bad run, i give up poker completely for a week. if anyone even mentions it, i politely explain this fact then beat them savagely with a certain body part
why are there mushroom shaped bruises all over your face?

 

by mandingo
4-09-09
i know i went a little crazy for awhile, but i'm better now
to tell the truth, Joe, i never thought you were crazy. i just always thought of it as the artistic temperment. all the great ones had it. it was how they kept the world from censorsing them
you know, you're right. i mean look at Van Gogh. cut off his own ear! and still they couldn't stifle his art! that's what it's all about, man! the art! ...you know what? I'M PUTTING ON THE SUIT!
judging by the vigor with which he's making love to that lamppost, i'd say Joe's gone crazy again
pay up.

 

by mandingo
4-13-09
dad, i've got a problem
how many months and are you sure it's yours?
mine?
has she told anyone, do you know her path to school, and are her parents litigious?
i just need to borrow your car this weekend
okay, but you clean the grille

 

by mandingo
4-14-09
look at those homeless children sleeping under the bridge. christ, the world is an ugly place. i wish i had the power to make it prettier
what the hell??
hello, Dan! i am Smyla, a magical jinni! 3000 years have i waited to hear those words! i grant to thee a single wish! use it wisely!
in other news, around the globe today people watched transfixed as millions of homeless children were magically hovered away from their lowly living conditions and flung into the sun

 

by mandingo
4-17-09
for fucksake, you were fired again? why can't you hold down a job?
i'm a troublemaker, never been a faker, doing things my own way, never giving up
that's a Weezer lyric
and i just plagerized it. you know why?
uh... because you're a troublemaker?

 

by mandingo
4-17-09
Mommy, what's the sound of one hand clapping?
What... well, I don't know, sweetie. I never really condidered that one han... I mean, it would raise SO MANY questi... I CAN'T STOP THINKING ABOUT IT!
Hi, Sally. Where's mommy?
Daddy! I read Mommy my string cheese wrapper and she SCREAMED THE LORD'S PRAYER and ran out of the house!
So, to correct myself, when Buddha rides down on the interdimensional mudskipper OR WHEN the ATF shows up, that's when you push the button. Got it?
AND THEN YOU'LL TELL ME?? ABOUT THE HAND?? THE HAND THAT CLAPS AS TWO??

 

by mandingo
4-21-09
Hi, Steve, it's Sandy. How are things? itss' gettn;g hott n her
what the hell?
so i'm sitting there thinking it's one of two things. she either just started typing one handed to cyber with me, or she just had a stroke
which was it?
i have no way of knowing since i only cyber with stroke victims

 

by mandingo
4-22-09
excuse me, could you tell me where the X-Rayted material is?
this is an adult bookstore. it's all X-Rated
no, not X-Rated, X-Rayted. that wonderful genre that centers around a superhero using his X-Ray vision to spy on the girl's bathroom or such
oh, right. Section J, far side of the store. when you see a man dressed similarly to yourself, you'll know you're there
excuse me, is this Section J?
nice.

 

by mandingo
4-24-09
it was a dark and stormy night...
too cliched
it was a dark and starry night...
still a bit cliched
it was a dark and horny night...
i'm leaving

 

by mandingo
4-26-09
hi, Henry, how was your day? did you save any souls? like Jesus?
no, mom, i'm a blacksmith
your brother Jesus was a carpenter but he still found time to save a few billion souls here and there
i'm not Jesus, mom! you've compared me to him my whole life and it's breaking my heart! can't you just love me for who i am? please, mom? please??
Jesus Christ never would have talked to his mother like that
let's go tell him

 

by mandingo
4-30-09
Xaxqablarq Jones? got a letter for you
HOW DID YOU GET IN HERE?? *SPLURT* THIS FLOOR IS LEVEL 9 SECURITY!
i'm a mailman, sir. neither snow nor rain nor heat nor gloom of night...
GET OFF MY BRIDGE!
...nor anal probe nor double anal probe nor half gainer double anal probe nor DOUBLE GAINER DOUBLE ANAL PROBE...
right. sorry about that. never should have put Xkeib in charge of the probing. he's gay as the lay is dong

 

by mandingo
4-30-09
you did it doctor! time travel! i have the scientific proof right here that you travelled back to 440 AD for approximately 6 weeks! how did you spend your time there?!
the huns raped me!
oh... oh my. i'm sorry to hear that
THE HUNS RAPED ME!
that's awful, doctor. i'm truly sorry. but if it's of any comfort to you, the spacetime loop you feared hasn't emerged. and a good thing too! imagine how that would have been! spending all of etern...

 

by mandingo
5-10-09
i think the word genius is overused
i think the same thing but about cocktilla
what the hell's cocktilla?
a cock flotilla
you just made that up, didn't you?
maybe, but you gotta admit. it's pretty genius

 

by mandingo
5-12-09
i think Stephen King's gone batshit. the cover of his new book, "The Van," says by Stephen King, foreword by Richard Bachman.
his pseudonym? he's obviously taking the piss
the back cover has quotes of endorsement from Stephen King, Richard Bachman, Stephen Bach, and Ludwig von DogRabies.
wow
then instead of a biography inside the back cover, there's just "KING BACHMAN THE LIONBREASTED" over and over and a bunch of doodles of how he'd look with a boob job
fiver says i know what he names them

 

by mandingo
5-14-09
you've seen The Ring. you've seen The Grudge. now prepare yourself for the most blood chilling J-Horror yet. from the writer who gave you The Chair...
Linda? Linda, get up. LINDA!
and the director of The Clock and The Ant...
I CAN ONLY GET AN ERECTION IF I KILL!
clocks can only get an erection if they kill
we present the instant classic that is... THE CUP
GET IT OFF ME, GET IT OFF ME!

 

by mandingo
5-19-09
you win the job, John. the other intern you were up against, that tiny midget with the gigantic head, i caught him in bed with my wife so i buried him alive
yeah right, Mr. Sanderson. buried alive!
HEP!

 

by mandingo
5-23-09
if you meet the Buddha... rape the Buddha. if you meet the Buddha... rape the Buddha
"kill"
if you meet the Buddha... rape and kill the Buddha. if you meet the Buddha...

 

by mandingo
5-23-09
putting the word "man" in front of any word makes it instantly funny. watch. man sponge. man hair. go ahead - try it!
man cancer
HAHAHAHAHAH
HAHAHAHAHAHAH

 

by mandingo
5-26-09
so what do you think of Karen?
truthfully? i think you're gonna get bored with her. i mean, i mentioned my patella and she thought i was talking about sandwich spread
instead of your kneecap
i'd like to change my answer

 

by mandingo
5-29-09
you know that song that goes, "i always feel like somebody's watching me"? it's weird, but i really do always feel like somebody's watching me
well, there's Ronald
DO SOMETHING, YOU FUCK
no, i mean besides him

 

by mandingo
10-03-09
FECAL VOMITING!!!
what?
sorry, ever since i found out fecal vomiting is a real thing, i want to see it so bad, i've been trying to scare it out of people
what, like the hiccups?
yes, exactly like thFECAL VOMITING!!!

 

by mandingo
10-31-09
no, no, it's not what you think! "To Serve Klaxnaxians!" do you know what that is?? do you know what that means??!
yeah, they're going to...
THEY'RE GOING TO KNIFE US UP, FISTRAPE EVERYTHING WE LOVE AND SHIT ON OUR MOTHERS' FACES!!!!
A COOKBOOK??

 

by mandingo
11-07-09
what have you done with the baby?
haha. what haven't i done with the baby. i fucked it and i ate it
simultaneously
YOU FUCKATE THE BABY!
i fuckate the baby.

 

by mandingo
11-07-09
Reichenbock, Reichenbock, where have i heard that name before?
History Channel probably, but that was a long time ago and this isn't the fatherland
that's right, it was on my german language tapes. Reichenbock - that means "total eclipse of the fist," right?
are you... crying?
nein

 

by mandingo
12-19-09
easy now, Mr. Alvarez, you're in shock. i know it was a hell of a crash, but it's over now. you can unclench that phantom steering wheel
look, i'm not gonna lie to you, it's gonna get worse before it gets better. but if you somehow, someway, gather the strength to get in that ambulance, you'll be taking your first step toward recovery
where's Mr. Alvarez?
ambulance ate him

 

by mandingo
12-26-09
hey, Larry. you got a rag in your trunk?
Joe, is that you? what the hell? i just saw you walk out of that gay movie house!
i was watching an old gunslinger movie and heard someone say, "fill your hand," which meant "draw." thought it would be a funny thing to shout in a dirty movie theatre
how'd that go?
you got a rag in your trunk?

 

by mandingo
12-26-09
MONKEY KNIFE FIGHT!!!
Oh I haven't seen a good monkey knife fight in weeks!
IKEA affords all the variegated styles needed to decorate in any pastiche one desires.
Particularly pit sweat and puppy sick. No, no, I much prefer Pottery Barn.
And the streak continues.

 

by mandingo
1-02-10
so why should i join the Church of Balls?
well, unlike the corrupt Catholic church which tithes 10%, i tithe 15% and give 5% back
but that still comes to 10%
sure, but it's like getting a thousand dollars back at a car dealership. you still know you're being raped in the ass, but there's enough of a reach around that you can live with it
alright, i'm in.
grab the sex wax and shoe polish and wait in the barn with the others

 

by mandingo
1-16-10
that's not what i asked for!
it isn't?
no, i said i wanted Guitar Hero, not a guitar hero!
but, sweety, Guitar Hero was $80. that's pretty pricey for your father and i right now. Richie Sambora was $4 and a pack of Camels
top bunk.

 

by mandingo
2-03-10
SEXBEARD WILL SEDUCE YOU
sorry, Sexbeard. i'm... uh... a lesbian. yeah, let's go with that. lesbian
SEXBEARD WILL SEX YOU UP
sorry, Sexbeard. i'm allergic to the bearded's semen
SEXBEARD WILL MASTURBATE TO PRETTY IN PINK
sorry, Sexbeard.

 

by mandingo
3-13-10
sorry, Fudd. you shot and killed that wab... rabbit... and it's duck season
i'm being bwackmailed!
GUILTY! and may god have mewcy... mercy... on your soul!
i'm being bwackmailed!
i'm being asswaped!
and bwackmaled... Huh-uh-uh-uh-uh

 

by mandingo
3-27-10
you know how in Nicholas Nickleby they feed the Infant Phenomenon gin and water to stunt her growth so they can charge people to see a "child" genius perform?
wait... you didn't...
everclear and red bull
TABLESAWS!

 

by mandingo
8-28-10
man, i really hit it off with that girl yesterday. by 7 pm, i was sandbagging her
you mean teabagging?
sandbagging's like teabagging except you spend a couple of hours at the beach first. how bout you? any luck with that redhead?
nope. i was so frustrated, i left here and immediately went and pulled a bank job
?
jacked off with a roll of quarters up my ass

 

by mandingo
11-10-10
Chief Science Officer's log -- after slingshotting around the sun, we find ourselves on 1960's earth. after weeks of studying the inhabitants of this time, i believe i've picked up the dialect
no pay, no play, motherfucker
peace, brother. i was simply asking for free love
fuck you, pig.

 

by mandingo
11-10-10
holy shit! RUN!
what was that all about?
haven't the foggiest.
GENTLEMEN!!!
quiet, forest fire. adults talking

 

by mandingo
11-10-10
small order of fries
holy shit, it's the Burger King!
no, no, i'm just a homeless person dressed in the ragtag garb i find in dumpsters. and the crown is just to focus my thoughts into a beam to destroy alien invaders
still want those fries though

 

by mandingo
11-10-10
do say, Steve, is that an asteroid coming our way?!
you just want me to look up so you can pants me again
DEAR GOD, IT'S ENORMOUS!! IF IT HITS US, IT'LL THROW UP SO MUCH VOLCANIC ASH, WE'LL BE EXTINCT WITHIN THE YEAR!!!!
THE YEAR??
*pants*

 

by mandingo
11-10-10
odelay, Ramon, is that an asteroid coming our way?!
ju just want me to look up so ju can el pantso me again
JESUS, MARIA, AND JOSE, IT'S INMENSO!! IF IT HIT US, IT'LL THROW UP SO MUCH VOLCANIC ASH, WE'LL BE EXTINCTO WITHIN EL AÑO!!!!
EL AÑO??
*el pantso*

 

by mandingo
11-12-10
i was born with this sign fused to my hand. which is ironic, because all i want is someone to talk to. though i guess the reason i want someone to talk to is because of this sign
it's kind of a chicken and the egg situation
only with the chicken masturbating to his reflection

 

by mandingo
11-12-10
♫every time i shuck i shuck and every time i jive i jive♫
♫but one time when i meant to shuck, i tripped over a step and accidentally jived♫
and ran into this guy
will you hold this mirror up for me?

Showing page 25.

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