All comics by ivytheplant

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by ivytheplant, 1-16-06

 

by ivytheplant
1-16-06

 
by ivytheplant, 1-16-06

 
by ivytheplant, 1-16-06

 

by ivytheplant
1-16-06
Welcome to This Town's Best And Most Popular Restaurant That's Not A Chain, what would you like to order?
New York strip with a side salad, please.
Later...
Here's your fillet of garlic stuffed with garlic, in a garlic glaze, a side of garlic with garlic dressing and your garlic beverage. Anything else?
Um...
How's your fish and chips?
Swimming in garlic.

 

by ivytheplant
1-19-06
What's the square root of 256.79 divided by pi minus the gravitational constant?
What was the natural frequency of the Tacoma Narrows Bridge?
Who was making out with Principal Skeevy in the second floor janitor's closet?
Mandingo.

 

by ivytheplant
1-19-06
While doing homework...
Hrm, globigerina.
Gob o what?
Globigerina is a planktonic form of foraminifera.
Boba Fett.

 

by ivytheplant
1-20-06
So, who'd like to take a leek?
I don't know why I thought the IT people had fixed this storage limit problem that's so annoying...
I just drank endosperm! And it was good!

 

by ivytheplant
1-21-06
I definitely prefer a stick, but I've played around with a few autos here and there.
...
...
I'm talking about cars.
I have a huge erection.

 

by ivytheplant
1-22-06
I'm going to do some homework before I go to the store. What are your plans?
Well...
...and then when he came out of the bathroom, he did his naked kung-fu imitation, cock swinging. Once he got dressed...
*waver*
...he brushed his teeth and put on his shoes. After that, he had to go to the bathroom, so he sat down with a book on UFOs, then he...
*thud*

 

by ivytheplant
1-22-06
Oh man, you wouldn't believe the amazing things boorite can do with his tongue. I've never felt such ecstacy before. My loins are on fire!
Uh-huh...
And after that Ijust can't resist giving him a blowjob. I just crave the feeling of boorite's cock in my mouth.
*whimper*
But the actual fucking is just exquisite. I've actually cried from happiness. There's nothing better than feeling his big, hard cock sliding in and out...
AAAIIIIEEEE!!!

 

by ivytheplant
1-23-06
What the hell is this message?
["DrgnflyJEB: hey bitch, how;s it feel to make new enemies?"]
Who do I know that has the initials JEB and would be ranting about "making enemies"?
[insert more drivel here]
Gasp! Jennifer Erin Boyle! My Crazy Ex Neighbor! She's back!
[sinister music]

 

by ivytheplant
1-24-06
While emailing the IT Help Desk...
"I'm getting literally 500 spam a day. Can you delete my account and create a new one?"
"No, we can't do that. Try settings using the university spam filters."
"I'm sure the spam filters are nice and all, but they filter real messages as spam and let a ton of obvious spam through. It's crap."
"Well, the spam filter always worked well for me."
"I notice from the subject line of the message that your precious filter has marked my email as spam..."
"No speakee engrish!"

 

by ivytheplant
1-29-06
"Miami is so--so careful they're trying to double-team McGrady, okay, and if you double-team him at any time, then that will open up the other guy."
*rewind*
"Miami is so--so careful they're trying to double-team McGrady, okay, and if you double-team him at any time, then that will open up the other guy."
I liked basketball before, but lately it's been really entertaining.
Did they want him from behind?

 

by ivytheplant
1-30-06
It's amazing how much of a difference three inches makes.
The 12-inch is easier to handle, but the 15-inch has so much more staying power.
I think I'm definitely going to have to get the 15 inch based on how much more powerful it is.
Erection.

 

by ivytheplant
1-30-06
So have you always worn the same thing or did you used to wear dresses?
Don't think about it don't think about it don't think about it...
8 years ago...
The establishment sucks. Let's go throw knives at things.
Good idea, Ivy.
*snerk*
Tell anyone and die where you stand.

 

by ivytheplant
1-30-06
Mom is so mean. She makes me do all the work while she sits on the couch and eats chocolates!
Um...
She's right behind me, isn't she?
With a mop.
I don't hear the vacuum!
That's it, I'm running away.

 

by ivytheplant
1-30-06
One day, in 1984...
IVY! What are you doing!?
Rollerskating down the hallway.
What's that in your arms?
My infant brother.

 

by ivytheplant
1-31-06
One day, at a field camp in the Badlands...
I dare you to drink this hydrochloric acid.
Um, no thanks.
It's just a 10% solution! I'll give you twenty bucks.
No.
Oh come on! It's only one fluid ounce! You drank fifteen times that much in cum on this trip!
I hate you.

 

by ivytheplant
2-01-06
I tried to call you to come pick me up, but the cell phone has been disconnected and their customer service is closed.
Ooookay...
The next morning...
So, what's the deal with the disconnect? I paid my bill last week, yo.
Your last bill was returned by the post office as undeliverable.
I don't get paper bills. It's all done electronically.
No habla Ingles?

 

by ivytheplant
2-01-06
I was looking on the Campus Organization website and I found the perfect club for you.
Hot Asian Teen Awareness?
The Cowboy Death March Team.
Hahaha. You're funny.
You start tomorrow morning at five.
*thud*

 

by ivytheplant
2-02-06
Hey boorite, a package just arrived for you. It looks like your machete--
Woohoo!
Time to lock up the cats.

 

by ivytheplant
2-04-06
So I hear you're with that boorite guy. I don't understand why; I'm certainly better than he is.
Yeah, okay, let's play a game of logic here...
Do you like camping, hiking, canoeing, rockhounding, collecting uranium, comic books, cheesy scifi movies, looking for ghosts and UFOs, cats, or cooking?
No, no, no, no, no, no that's lame, no, no, I'm allergic, and no.
But I like gaming.
Wow. We have absolutely no common ground. Thanks for playing. Don't let the door smash your head in on the way out.

 

by ivytheplant
2-04-06
So I hear you're with that boorite guy. I don't understand why; I'm certainly better than he is.
Why is it you want me now that you know I'm in a relationship?
But I'm smarter and I like stuff.
Hellooooo...I'm in love with someone else. Not gonna change.
Oh I get it, you must be a--
If you say "lesbian" I can guarantee you a detachable penis.

 

by ivytheplant
2-04-06
Mmmm...oh yeah...
You like that?
"Meow!"
What the--?
Lily's kneading me.
"Me-yow!"
YeeOUCH!
Well, I can guess where she is now.

 

by ivytheplant
2-07-06
RAAAR! TOBOR WILL CORNHOLE YOU!
Hi! You must be here for the cornhole tournament!
Cornhole... tournament?
Oh yeah! It's the biggest event of the year! People from all over line up for cornhole!
www.playcornhole.org
This is happiest day of Tobor's life!
Come on!

 

by ivytheplant
2-07-06
Rutabaga.
What?
I was just thinking about rutabagas.
Ooookay...
They're a cross between a turnip and cabbage.
I always thought someone should make a turnip smell like cabbage.

 

by ivytheplant
2-07-06
Corn.
What?
100% of the corn crops we plant today are hybrids.
Corn-corn hybrids or corn-fish hybrids?
Just between various corn varieties.
Your exam is over. You can stop thinking about vegetables.

 

by ivytheplant
2-12-06
The more Valentine's Day ads and articles that are forced upon me, the more I hate my gender.
Uh-oh...
They're all squealing about teddy bears, pink jewelry, and shitty, lame romantic movies. And all the women are shallow, materialistic whiners.
You could always get a sex change.
Nah, boys are dumb.
Whew!

 

Tectonic plates need oil to glide over the earth...
The USGS hired me to kill you.
by ivytheplant, 2-13-06

 

The Necronomicon is like, the true grimoire and is like, the best for conjuring Blairitomas, the Dark Lord of Projectile Vomiting.
Oh! My! God! That book is PURE EVIL! The magick contained within should NEVER fall into the hands of mortals!
by ivytheplant, 2-13-06

 

I'll be a better friend to Ivy than boorite could ever hope to be.
Say that to my face, bitch.
by ivytheplant, 2-13-06

 

by ivytheplant
2-15-06
*lick lick lick lick lick lick*
What the hell is that noise coming from the kitchen?
I don't know. You should go check.
*lick lick lick--MEOW!--lick lick lick*
*lick lick lick lick lick lick*
Ashy's grooming the bananas.
I've licked a banana or two in my day.

 

You insult someone's mother to prove how much smarter you are.
"Your mama is not half the historian I AM..."
What's next? My mom wears army boots?
by ivytheplant, 2-16-06

 

...gaming isn't a priority in your life.
But Macs don't have all the latest and greatest games on them!
I'm still playing Mario on my NES.
by ivytheplant, 2-16-06

 

by ivytheplant
2-20-06
One day at the administrative office...
So I says, "Well them tuition increases ain't gonna bill themselves!"
Ha, ha!
Seriously, get to work.

 

by ivytheplant
2-20-06
One day at the ranch...
So I says, "Well, them rotor turbines ain't gonna generate gravitons by themselves!"
Ha, ha!
Who cares? We have enough coal, oil, uranium, and wind to last us a lifetime.

 

by ivytheplant
2-22-06
1979
It's a girl!
A week late and 12 hours of labor. This kid better be a freaking genius!
*coos*
I want to blow something up.

 

by ivytheplant
2-22-06
1979, sometime in the morning...
You're in labor. Go to the hospital right now.
Damn, once I get to the hospital, I won't get anything decent to eat for a while.
Hey, do you want to go out to lunch?
Sure!
Afternoon...
Doctor! Your patient hasn't arrived yet!
My god! What could have happened to her?

 

by ivytheplant
2-22-06
Late afternoon...
I'm here to give birth.
We've been looking everywhere for you! Where have you been!?
I went to lunch.
Oh that makes perfect sense, come right this way.
What's with the needle?
Just a little something to make sure you don't try to go out for supper...

 

by ivytheplant
2-23-06
If a chicken farts across the Grand Canyon and no one is around to hear...
...does he get to the other side?

 

by ivytheplant
2-23-06

 

by ivytheplant
2-23-06
"Here we see the majestic mountain goat in his natural habitat. His magnificence knows no bounds."
Baaa.
"Ahhh, the beauty of nature."

 

by ivytheplant
2-23-06
Hey, the humans wiped themselves out.
Interesting.
And thus, a new race was born.
God, I'm so horny.
Who do I have to fuck to get a carrot around here?

 

by ivytheplant
2-23-06
"I like a warm, loving personality. Must be 5'7" with long blonde hair, high breasts, and a charming face."
"I also like long walks on the beach."
Dear Hot4U, I believe I am indeed what you are looking for. I am a model who is in need of male companionship.
I also live in the Bahamas.

 

by ivytheplant
2-28-06
Purrr. Knead.
Huh? What the--?
Purrr. Cuddle. Nuzzle.
Boorite, it's 5am. We'll have sex when I'm not half-conscious.
*pout*
I'm surrounded by cats.

 

by ivytheplant
3-01-06
Somewhere in India...
These nuclear missile instructions are confusing!
I keep getting error messages! What the hell does "Boot disk error" mean?
That's it, I'm calling tech support.
Surely it's run by knowledgable experts who can help us with their extensive training.
Thank you for calling Nuclear Tech Support. I am an Indian who can barely speak English and reads everything from a poorly-worded script!
NOOOOOOO!

 

by ivytheplant
3-04-06
Where is that cocksmoker?
Mandingo logged off a while ago.
How'd you know who I was talking about?
Intensive study course in Booritese.

 

by ivytheplant
3-06-06
Let me know if the picture I posted in Brad's ass showed up.
Um...
The forum thread!
Right. I knew that.

 

by ivytheplant
3-07-06
What I say...
I'm going to go down to the market on 3rd street near Shari's. Would you like to come?
What he hears...
I'm going to go down on Shari. Would you like to come?
Boorite?
I'm thinking.

Showing page 26.

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